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Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.

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If one's advice is frequently badly received by others then perhaps one should evaluate what kind of advice one gives and why so many disagree. Maybe I'm alone in feeling like that is the case with Tsukomo?

That said I see your point, an echo chamber is not a good thing.

You're not alone, and I disagree with nearly everything Tsukomo says about dating. However, there's value in saying, "Hey, this is why I feel this way." Frankly, I know I'm opinionated in this thread too, and I'd welcome people to explain why they think I'm wrong.

Everyone in this thread's a big boy or girl, and they all make their own decisions. If someone takes the time and effort to respond point-by-point with a thoughtful assessment and offer candid advice (which Tsukomo always does), then I appreciate those contributions to this thread.
 

The Lamp

Member
Are you willing to be single for the next 30-50 years that your mother is on this earth? No? Then at some point you have to put your foot down and tell her to get over it if she wants to be part of your life.

The problem is she knows I'm bi so she pins this on me as my choice to date a man instead of doing the "right thing" in her mind and marrying a woman like she knows I could be attracted to
and giving her grandchildren :(
 
If one's advice is frequently badly received by others then perhaps one should evaluate what kind of advice one gives and why so many disagree. Maybe I'm alone in feeling like that is the case with Tsukomo?

That said I see your point, an echo chamber is not a good thing.

I dunno, I think this only really applies when someone is wrong. There is going to be situations where we all get it wrong and Tsukomo is correct and then what? Is the advice bad if it's correct? Is it bad even if it's incorrect as long as it's justified? I think we generally have consensus in the thread but it's not as though consensus dictates correctness.

As always, with me, I simply think it's not beneficial to say "I don't like what you have to say so stop saying it" in a thread about advice. Advice is crafted so people can gain perspectives. At the end of the day we all filter based on what applies and what doesn't. Even something overtly negative can have purpose if it beneficially informs someone to be more critical of a situation they may be in. More people read this thread than those that post after all.

Yeah, I don't really agree with Tsukomo most of the time. But I don't agree with a lot of posters on gaf, we debate it, we leave it be, then you think about it for the next time. Pretty much the point of a forum.
 

stn

Member
Everyone should be able to post an opinion. If someone is wrong, we should all post why we think that person is wrong. Take Tsukumo's last bit of advice to Jokab: it wasn't wrong per se, perhaps just not a good fit in this particular instance. Push-and-pull is definitely a reality in many relationships, and its unfortunate but some people do gain interest in a person after they've been dumped/rejected.

Besides, even wrong advice is good to have. It tells you what not to do - which is just as important as what to do.
 
Heh thanks guys... I needed the reassurance for what to do next. I'll just straight up ask her out this afternoon/evening most likely. Just needed to vent a bit about that whole stressful day.

Will let you guys know what happens.
 
I dunno, I think this only really applies when someone is wrong. There is going to be situations where we all get it wrong and Tsukomo is correct and then what? Is the advice bad if it's correct? Is it bad even if it's incorrect as long as it's justified? I think we generally have consensus in the thread but it's not as though consensus dictates correctness.

Remember that time when [insert poster's name who thought they were right] showed us all up?

I love you Ray Wonder
 
So someone I dated for a month decided to end things on Wednesday (when I typed this). Telling me that I want a relationship and that she’s not ready for one. We already talked about this and I was into casually dating and seeing where things went. We went on like 10 dates and had lots of sex. We completely hit it off.

She got a little distant randomly this week but was super communicative and affectionate over the phone/texts. Then she cancels way late on me the past two days.

She replies this morning asking if I’m upset and I say no just disappointed you didn’t call like you said you would. No big deal. She then ends it telling me how I feel. I text her a few lines of text that I don’t appreciate her projecting that on to me and think it’s disrespectful. I then say good luck and take care.

She responds ‘Wow. You are so intense all the time. Please stop texting me.’ Literally spins on a dime after speaking to me yesterday, calling me darling, baby, all that stuff. I was not cling-y nor did I ever text her all that much.


I texted her back 'Take care and good luck' and then deleted her number. Deleted IG association.



Frustrating but oh well.
In the same boat with ya bud. We'll make it through this.
 

jdstorm

Banned
The problem is she knows I'm bi so she pins this on me as my choice to date a man instead of doing the "right thing" in her mind and marrying a woman like she knows I could be attracted to
and giving her grandchildren :(

Your mother is being selfish right now, guilting you into putting her wants above your own and framing it as a choice. Maybe you will break up with this guy, fall in love with a woman and have kids. Maybe you live happily ever after and eventually adopt if kids are something that you both want.
which might be a conversation you should have with your BF sooner rather then later.

This is a situation where you should put your desires first. Whatever they may be.
 
You can't? Or you don't want to?

If it's the latter, no big deal. If it's the former (i.e. you can't because you're too anxious of whatever, and then regret it afterwards) then that could be a problem. Your posts makes it sound like you regret your decision, but I'm not sure if you regret it for your own sake, or if it's because you think it says something about your manhood (it doesn't).
It's a mix of things. When I think to the one person I've been with (ex), it took time to get there. But by the time we did, I knew this person was my best friend, and they knew me and everything about me and I knew them and everything about them. Things were right, and I trusted this woman more than anyone else in the world. But, even then I was equally as happy just sitting in a park, having a picnic and letting her put flowers in my beard than I was taking her to bed. It's the kind of person I am, and the kind of relationship I long for. And to this day, she's still one of my closest friends, but we had to move on for life reasons. But about last night, it's not even a regret it's just wondering why, is that why can't I do what other people I've known could easily do.

Maybe I just have trust issues or some deep rooted anxiety with getting close to people, and even worse with intimacy. Maybe I'm just a "beta". I'm not exactly sure. Maybe we'll see what happens after date 2? If there's one lol. A part of me really wants to just get in bed! But that might just because of social pressure. And a bigger part of me just kinda wants to build up to it, and find someone to get close to and get to that point eventually. I kinda feel lame about that. But it's who I am, and I'll find my own eventually.
 
GAF you can take my man card, for the second time over. Met up with the tinder date. Went bowling (got my first strike!!), went to get pizza, then talked for two hours in her car while listening to music and watching the lightning and rain. At one point, she even pulled out condoms and said, "look at all these my coworker gave me the other day. She said I'd need them." I think I doubly revoke my man card now.

I know I should take what I can get, and I was feeling the vibe, but damn. I just can't? Something about my own mentality just needs more than pizza and sex after one date?
This is why my ex said I was the chick in the relationship when it came to this.
I'm a 23 year old male, but I'm turning down offers. Kill me.

Maybe you're asexual?
 

Scotch

Member
It's a mix of things. When I think to the one person I've been with (ex), it took time to get there. But by the time we did, I knew this person was my best friend, and they knew me and everything about me and I knew them and everything about them. Things were right, and I trusted this woman more than anyone else in the world. But, even then I was equally as happy just sitting in a park, having a picnic and letting her put flowers in my beard than I was taking her to bed. It's the kind of person I am, and the kind of relationship I long for. And to this day, she's still one of my closest friends, but we had to move on for life reasons. But about last night, it's not even a regret it's just wondering why, is that why can't I do what other people I've known could easily do.

Maybe I just have trust issues or some deep rooted anxiety with getting close to people, and even worse with intimacy. Maybe I'm just a "beta". I'm not exactly sure. Maybe we'll see what happens after date 2? If there's one lol. A part of me really wants to just get in bed! But that might just because of social pressure. And a bigger part of me just kinda wants to build up to it, and find someone to get close to and get to that point eventually. I kinda feel lame about that. But it's who I am, and I'll find my own eventually.
It sounds to me like you know what you want, and sex on the first date is not it. So I'd stop worrying about it. The people in this thread certainly won't think less of you or judge you by it.
Although you might wanna change that username. ;)

edit: and yeah, demisexual sounds like the right term here.
 

gaiages

Banned
The problem is she knows I'm bi so she pins this on me as my choice to date a man instead of doing the "right thing" in her mind and marrying a woman like she knows I could be attracted to
and giving her grandchildren :(

That's her damn problem to work out, not yours. She's being incredibly selfish, and it's not on you to change an integral part of who you are, it's on her to change her mindset slightly. If she doesn't get the fuck over it, then that's her problem and possibly her loss.

It's your life, and she already knew you were bi... how is you falling in love with a man such a big damn surprise? Tell her if you and he stay together, and you both agree on it, you can adopt. Giving birth isn't fucking fun, anyway.

If she keeps being like this, don't choose her. Like someone else said, do you just wanna be miserable and not able to be who you are because of her selfish notions until the day she kicks the bucket? That's what'll happen if you give in now.

Sorry for the cussing, parents like that make me SO SO SO angry
 
It's a mix of things. When I think to the one person I've been with (ex), it took time to get there. But by the time we did, I knew this person was my best friend, and they knew me and everything about me and I knew them and everything about them. Things were right, and I trusted this woman more than anyone else in the world. But, even then I was equally as happy just sitting in a park, having a picnic and letting her put flowers in my beard than I was taking her to bed. It's the kind of person I am, and the kind of relationship I long for. And to this day, she's still one of my closest friends, but we had to move on for life reasons. But about last night, it's not even a regret it's just wondering why, is that why can't I do what other people I've known could easily do.

Maybe I just have trust issues or some deep rooted anxiety with getting close to people, and even worse with intimacy. Maybe I'm just a "beta". I'm not exactly sure. Maybe we'll see what happens after date 2? If there's one lol. A part of me really wants to just get in bed! But that might just because of social pressure. And a bigger part of me just kinda wants to build up to it, and find someone to get close to and get to that point eventually. I kinda feel lame about that. But it's who I am, and I'll find my own eventually.

I think me and you are kind of on the same page.

I totally fell for a girl i got to know over the course of a couple of years, it took time to get there and to be honest that it is the first time i truly felt like i could be in a relationship with someone, they were apart of me and vice versa. Unfortunately she was taken and things never moved on.

But that as freaked me out a little bit, because up to then, i felt as though i was normal. It has kicked off some serious anxiety issues and a good hard look at my sexuality. I'm 30 by the way. I always been interested by girls, had the odd thing with some, but sex and relationships never really crossed my mind. I have been wondering if i am gay, but then it occurred to me that i never noticed men, it never even crossed my mind, but this whole questioning/ocd as stressed me out big time.

I've really gone to town on the whole overthinking. What is attraction, Was is sexual attraction, checking my reactions to people etc and it's been constant, 24/7. I'm just longing for days when i wake up and not think. It hasn't helped that all my best friends have got married this year.

So please don't try to overthink this. It turned my life upside down.

All this as come at the same time when i was particularly stressed out about my flat, flat mate, career and health, for the first time my OCD started to really affect my day to day life. So i don't know what is real or not and what emotions and thoughts to trust.

For the first time really over the last few years i have felt as though girls liked me on a regular basis as well so the attention as been there. Thinking about it, they always did, but i was obvious to signs, and i was always interested in someone specific (always girls). I had a massive crush on a girl in my teenage years but never anything that came close to those feelings till the last year.

But i am wondering if i, and you just put ourselves out there more often we wouldn't really have a problem. Or at least it make us understand ourselves better. At the moment i'm finding it tough, trying to understand what i want. I become aroused by girls, i flirt with them, i can feel my body opening up to them, but for the last two years my head as gone "you're gay" but i never once even considered or even had a an attraction to men. So i don't know whats up. I told my friends about this so i don't think it is a case of being afraid of peoples reactions, i have quite a few gay friends and it never crossed my mind that i could be, and my family and friends are really open minded so that side isn't really an issue. Perhaps i have internalised homophobia, but i again, i never had or thought about attraction to men. I don't even go , perhaps you could be bi, it's either one thing or the other.

Over the course of the weekend i been thinking about asking a co-worker out, she is a little bit younger than me, and technically i'm her boss too, so it seems a stupid idea, and with this constant doubting about myself as well, i just don't what to do.

Feels as though i been thrown in the deep end a little bit. Perhaps we just desire something different when it comes to the conventional view of sex and relationships, my gut feeling is that i need to be able to be really communicative with that other half, and needing stability and wanting something to last, but also afraid to commit.

Ha! Sorry for hijacking your post, i have a tendency to do that and make it about me. Sorry!

My best advice is probably try and not think about it (which is hard i know) and just live your life and just to get to know people, you might find someone that ticks those boxes, even if you don't quite know what they are yet.
 

efyu_lemonardo

May I have a cookie?
Is anyone familiar with a source that has genuinely insightful dating advice?
I feel like there's something basic I've been doing wrong and haven't been able to identify what..
 
It's a mix of things. When I think to the one person I've been with (ex), it took time to get there. But by the time we did, I knew this person was my best friend, and they knew me and everything about me and I knew them and everything about them. Things were right, and I trusted this woman more than anyone else in the world. But, even then I was equally as happy just sitting in a park, having a picnic and letting her put flowers in my beard than I was taking her to bed. It's the kind of person I am, and the kind of relationship I long for. And to this day, she's still one of my closest friends, but we had to move on for life reasons. But about last night, it's not even a regret it's just wondering why, is that why can't I do what other people I've known could easily do.

Maybe I just have trust issues or some deep rooted anxiety with getting close to people, and even worse with intimacy. Maybe I'm just a "beta". I'm not exactly sure. Maybe we'll see what happens after date 2? If there's one lol. A part of me really wants to just get in bed! But that might just because of social pressure. And a bigger part of me just kinda wants to build up to it, and find someone to get close to and get to that point eventually. I kinda feel lame about that. But it's who I am, and I'll find my own eventually.

I'll give you a piece of advice counter to what you've gotten thus far. There is nothing wrong if you wanna get to know someone before you get intimate with them. But this idea you have formed is that every relationship you go into has to have the same progression as your last one and you are going to be disappointed if you keep holding that mindset. (Well more disappointed I suppose)

There is nothing particularly unique about what you have described. In a relationship if you don't genuinely enjoy your partners company apart from sex it's likely isn't a healthy relationship anyway. You sound far more to me like you A) are not over your ex, B) want to have sex but are afraid for w/e reason and C) have an unrealistic expectation of how a relationship should progress.

This doesn't strike me as having to do with simply not wanting to have sex immediately. The frequency and negativity of your posts in this thread dont paint that as the story. People who are able to know wjat sex means to them and brush it away even when its easy to get are generally confident in themselves and their wants. That isn't the case you have described

I'm not saying toss aside your feeling and just have sex. But I am saying that if you feel you need to build that level of emotional connection with a girl before you can have sex, you're going to pass up on a lot of quality girls. Despite the idea that men are sex addicts women also enjoy having sex too. And the way you describe things I dont see many having the patience for what you seem to be suggesting. So if this is about having a girl be your best friend before you reach comfort, I literally have no useful advice for you because I lagely suggest you do the opposite when you are in the dating phase.
 
It's a mix of things. When I think to the one person I've been with (ex), it took time to get there. But by the time we did, I knew this person was my best friend, and they knew me and everything about me and I knew them and everything about them. Things were right, and I trusted this woman more than anyone else in the world. But, even then I was equally as happy just sitting in a park, having a picnic and letting her put flowers in my beard than I was taking her to bed. It's the kind of person I am, and the kind of relationship I long for. And to this day, she's still one of my closest friends, but we had to move on for life reasons. But about last night, it's not even a regret it's just wondering why, is that why can't I do what other people I've known could easily do.

Maybe I just have trust issues or some deep rooted anxiety with getting close to people, and even worse with intimacy. Maybe I'm just a "beta". I'm not exactly sure. Maybe we'll see what happens after date 2? If there's one lol. A part of me really wants to just get in bed! But that might just because of social pressure. And a bigger part of me just kinda wants to build up to it, and find someone to get close to and get to that point eventually. I kinda feel lame about that. But it's who I am, and I'll find my own eventually.

I'm gonna follow up slightly on what Gotdatmoney said - be careful you're not over-romanticizing the idea of sex. You sound like how I used to be about sex - that sex is only good if it's with a person if you really know them and it's a person you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with. But the thing is - sex is just sex. There isn't anything special about it, and it goes in both directions - it shouldn't be your goal in every interaction with your preferred gender, but it also isn't sacred and special and only to be shared with that one special flower. Sex is just another activity like playing a video game or playing golf. If you want to have it, have it. If you don't, don't!

But it does sound like you've tied up the act of sex with memories of your ex, in which case it might be better to do something with someone you're less attached to so you realize sex doesn't have to be a strong emotional affair. They call it rebound sex for a reason.

Again, though, you should never have sex if you're not comfortable with it. It's always fine to say no, and nobody (guys or girls) that is worth your time should make fun of you or reject you if you aren't ready. Just be sure that you're not tying your future up with your past.
 

efyu_lemonardo

May I have a cookie?
Cross-posting from the online dating thread, in case anyone here is interested or has anything to add.

I've been giving this a lot of thought recently: not just because of the one bad date, it's been a recurring pattern for me over the last year since I returned to dating. I keep getting the same feedback, that I'm a good person and good conversationalist but there's no "click", no chemistry.

And I think the reason is that while my verbal communication skills are good, my nonverbal ones are lacking.
As such I'll be looking into practicing and improving nonverbal communication skills.

The descriptions on this page seem to fit well with what I'm experiencing. I'm sure there are others here who can benefit from this as well, so I'll post any additional references I find in the future that I think are helpful
.
 
Your nonverbal communication on a date should be showing your romantic intentions. Playful and casual touching. That should escalate as the comfort level increases. I used to never touch women on dates, and now I'm making physical contact as soon as possible and as often as possible. Be honest with yourself and your intentions, and let that honesty manifest itself through both your verbal and nonverbal communication.

No hover hand, also.
 

Astral

Member
My ex sent me a text last night and another text today telling me last night's was a drunk text and I responded both times fuuuuck. She mentioned getting a new number before blocking me before so I guess this is it. I felt nothing last night because I was tired I guess but now that she sent me this other one I feel like shit and kinda pissed off. Telling me to delete her pictures and stuff. No shit I deleted them. Would it be wrong to just lie and say I won't delete them just to spite her? Who am I kidding, of course it'd be. Ugh I'm so mad.
 

Astral

Member
The proper response was not to respond at all :S

Yeah I know. I already settled it though. She kept telling me to show her proof that I deleted the pictures. Wtf is that? I didn't owe her shit so I just ignored her and eventually blocked her. I admit though, the last thing she said cut really deep. "I hope you never fall in love with another girl. For her sake."
 

windz

Member
Yeah I know. I already settled it though. She kept telling me to show her proof that I deleted the pictures. Wtf is that? I didn't owe her shit so I just ignored her and eventually blocked her. I admit though, the last thing she said cut really deep. "I hope you never fall in love with another girl. For her sake."

She sounds like a real steaming pile of shit. You dodged a bullet. Keep at it, and you'll find someone much much better suited for you :).
 
Yeah I know. I already settled it though. She kept telling me to show her proof that I deleted the pictures. Wtf is that? I didn't owe her shit so I just ignored her and eventually blocked her. I admit though, the last thing she said cut really deep. "I hope you never fall in love with another girl. For her sake."

Fuck, man. I almost hope you didn't delete the pictures now. grrr
 

Astral

Member
Maybe not a steaming pile of shut but definitely a shitty fucking brat. Maybe it's messed up but I feel slight comfort in the fact that it either most likely won't work out with the new guy because I know how they both are or it'll at best be dysfunctional. But fuck it I just don't care anymore. And I'm not sure what good would come from still having her pictures lol.
 

jdstorm

Banned
Maybe I just have trust issues or some deep rooted anxiety with getting close to people, and even worse with intimacy. Maybe I'm just a "beta". I'm not exactly sure. Maybe we'll see what happens after date 2? If there's one lol. A part of me really wants to just get in bed! But that might just because of social pressure. And a bigger part of me just kinda wants to build up to it, and find someone to get close to and get to that point eventually. I kinda feel lame about that. But it's who I am, and I'll find my own eventually.

This "Alpha" "beta" stuff is just internet bullshit. There is nothing wrong with you for finding a person sexually undesirable. And there is certainly nothing to feel guilty about for not sleeping with someone who you find sexually undesirable.
It feels like shit and is normally terrible
Part of dating is learning to savour the experience, not just having as much meaningless sex as possible.

Good luck.
Ps
. If you are watching porn regularly try cutting back. That tends to cause problems in this department
 

NIGHT-

Member
I have a date set up with a gorgeous girl on Thursday, but I'm super nervous. We have so much in common, it's crazy. I'm really hoping this one works out. She's been going on dates but hasn't met anyone she been impressed by or had good chemistry with, so it makes me nervous. Cross your fingers for me!
 

efyu_lemonardo

May I have a cookie?
Your nonverbal communication on a date should be showing your romantic intentions. Playful and casual touching. That should escalate as the comfort level increases. I used to never touch women on dates, and now I'm making physical contact as soon as possible and as often as possible. Be honest with yourself and your intentions, and let that honesty manifest itself through both your verbal and nonverbal communication.
It's still occasionally counterintuitive to me. When meeting someone new I'm naturally much more verbal and logical at first than emotional and physical, and I keep being surprised by the fact that a date may find this off putting since in my mind "I'm here, having a fun and interesting conversation with you, and I say I had a good time at the end of the evening, so clearly that means I'm interested... Why isn't that enough on a first date?"

Plus there's the whole fear of initiating any form of physical contact, as a man, that may be unwanted by the woman. That's a big one since nowadays you hear so many terrible stories about men behaving like jerks. So I've grown accustomed to waiting for the woman to initiate anything nonverbal.

No hover hand, also.
Lol, yeah never done that :)


Edit:
Oh god, I had to stop watching before they even met. Who in their right mind would go along with this?
 
Maybe not a steaming pile of shut but definitely a shitty fucking brat. Maybe it's messed up but I feel slight comfort in the fact that it either most likely won't work out with the new guy because I know how they both are or it'll at best be dysfunctional. But fuck it I just don't care anymore. And I'm not sure what good would come from still having her pictures lol.

This is why as soon as you identified the trxt as being from your ex you should of just blocked the number. Don't back and forth. Especially over pictures lol. Not to say you should keep them (though me personally, once they send it to you I'm not really interested in discussions about it. It's the digital, we all know wtf we're doing, I'm not gonna be harassed over this) but I wouldn't waste my time trying to ease my ex girl's mind.

And yeah, she's a steaming pile of shit. Who the fuck sends thay kind of text to someone?
 

Booser

Member
Yeah I know. I already settled it though. She kept telling me to show her proof that I deleted the pictures. Wtf is that? I didn't owe her shit so I just ignored her and eventually blocked her. I admit though, the last thing she said cut really deep. "I hope you never fall in love with another girl. For her sake."

Holy crap. What happened here?
 

SLV

Member
I got my first '' date'' today, my first date ever, I am 27 years old. Through tinder, I am slowly starting to freak out.
 

GK86

Homeland Security Fail
I got my first '' date'' today, my first date ever, I am 27 years old. Through tinder, I am slowly starting to freak out.

Relax. You will psych yourself out if you don't.

Just talk to them like they are a human being. Because guess what? They are!
 

vern

Member
I got my first '' date'' today, my first date ever, I am 27 years old. Through tinder, I am slowly starting to freak out.

Don't freak out. She's a person, same as anyone else. Just enjoy the company and be yourself.

Edit: I see GK86 has it covered.
 
Because I'm not sure on how it all will play out, and what her intentions actually on us meeting are. Oh well.

Of course you're not sure how it will play out. You haven't met yet.

As far as her intentions on us meeting, it's pretty clear: to see if she likes you enough to see you again.

It's literally not any more complicated than this.
 

SLV

Member
All went well,in my opinion,as usual I was scared for nothing,we had a nice chat,a drive around the city,and we watched planes land and lift off for a bit while we had some sushi. Hopefully there will be another date with her.
 
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