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Is it wrong to tell a SO you need more from the relationship before marriage?

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OP

matrix.gif

Unfortunately, OP seems to be still looking at the bullet, wondering whether or not it's going to kill him if he gets shot
 

MrToughPants

Brian Burke punched my mom
By that I mean, I need to feel more loved and wanted, and to desire more stability in the relationship. Is it wrong to ask someone this and hope that things can get better or should you just not be in such a relationship to begin with.

Long story short, I have been with my girl for about 3 years and our relationship has been very up and down. We have broken up probably a dozen times, mostly because she never knew what she wanted. She was in, she was out, she loved me, she hated me, she wanted space, she wanted me back. Surely a lot of this is my fault for even going back and allowing someone to treat me like a fucking yo-yo but it is what it is and its in the past. Now fast forward to year 3 and after her getting some therapy and an extended break up she tells me that she wants to get married, that's she ready to move the relationship forward. And I told her that I actually was not ready for that, that I need to see some stability long-term before we take that step. I offered to move in with her and work on building toward marriage, but she will not hear a word of it.

She wants to get married NOW and she has "nothing more to give" in terms of showing her love and affection for me. I suppose after writing this all out that there are a ton of red flags here and I do believe that I am representing things fairly accurately. I guess my question to you guys is this, is it not fair that I ask my SO to consider what my wants and needs are before marriage. If there are things lacking in our relationship, is it permissible for me to point those things out and ask her to work on them or am I being totally unfair to her and asking her to be someone she is not. Thanks

Go with your gut on this one and end the relationship.
 
I can never fucking understand how people who have broken up "a dozen times" somehow are still in the relationship and think it's a good idea to try again. By breaking up, you're consciously making a decision that the relationship is not valuable enough to retain. Doing it once is bad enough, but a dozen fucking times? There are 1.7 billion people on this planet, maybe try with someone who you haven't broken up with a dozen times. You're consciously slamming your head against the wall over and over and pretending that "next time" will be different. It won't.
 
I can't even hold all of these red flags. If she refuses to even do a trial move in period (to see if you guys can even stand living with each other), there are so many things that could go wrong.

You sure she's not pregnant?

And didn't you have a famous thread a few years ago about hooking up with a random girl that got derailed by detective GAF?
 
If she's trying to force marriage upon you to feel a sense of security and you feel you aren't getting what you need at all + she's saying how she's given you all she has to offer; marriage won't change anything plus she is being incredibly self-centered.

If she won't communicate and truly believes marriage will fix all your problems, its best if you both split.

this subject won't get better in time, it will get worse.
 

ReAxion

Member
This is exactly what I proposed. I said being that we have had a very unstable relationship, why don't I move in and we can work on things together. By moving in i would actually be added another 35 minutes to my already hour-long drive to work so it's not like i wouldn't be sacrificing anything for the relationship. She absolutely will not entertain the idea of me moving in because of her past experience living with BFs that didn't work out, the heartache of the break up and the fact that she has a daughter and doesn't want to hurt her further if we split up. I can see where she is coming from but I have been heavily involved in her daughters life since she was a 1 year old AND I would spend like 4-5 days a week at her house anyway

this is terrible news, but that kid has little hope as it stands. it's already been tumultuous over 75% of her life, and it would be the same with whoever would be next. "hurt her further" is not a thing; this is one of those slow motion train wrecks you read about.
 

Jeels

Member
I was going to say maybe you are asking for too much based on your thread subject, but after reading your situation, that is not ridiculous at all considering the amount of times you have been in and out. I think it's crazy she doesn't want to move in with you before marriage? To me that's you really reaching out to make it work. You aren't being ridiculous at all.

Edit: Didn't know about the kid and previous bad move ins. I am not so sure that she's completely unjustified. But she has to be prepared for the kid to have a lifestyle change if she wants to marry you...
 
Why does she want to get married so urgently? It's not like I'm rich and can take care of all her problems? Don't you want to "get married" because you finally found someone you love? This feels like a "insert man here" thing to me

Because. She. Wants. That. Ass. On. The. Hook. Don't matter if you can "fix" her problems, she can offload more shit right onto you.

You sure she's not pregnant?

And then there's that. Extended breakup, and all.
 

NeonBlack

Member
Why does she want to get married so urgently? It's not like I'm rich and can take care of all her problems? Don't you want to "get married" because you finally found someone you love? This feels like a "insert man here" thing to me

Did you asked her why she wants to marry you?
 

Therin

Member
I guess she believes that marriage will somehow magically upgrade your relationship? It's bizarre that she doesn't even want to try living with you first .. :/ I think your concerns are completely valid. How can you pledge to spend life with someone whose feelings & intentions are so inconsistent & are still a mystery to you?
 
Why does she want to get married so urgently? It's not like I'm rich and can take care of all her problems? Don't you want to "get married" because you finally found someone you love? This feels like a "insert man here" thing to me

Because she's found someone who will deal with her shit and she wants to lock that down. Simple as that. She doesn't care about you. She cares about you caring about her.
 

SnakeXs

about the same metal capacity as a cucumber
Shes getting what she wants from you.

Stability when she needs it, someone to make her feel good when she wants it, and someone content to stay out of her way when she's less needy or more independent.

You are obviously not happy with what you've gotten from her in the relationship.

Put yourself first for once. If you aren't 100% content with an arrangement don't consider wit an even bigger commitment. 3 years feels like a lot but its nothing.
 
i might be late on this but jesus christ op GET OUT.

Youre her constant. You'll always be there no matter what she does. she KNOWWWWSS ITTT.

and youre very very clearly not getting what you want
 

JB1981

Member
I can't even hold all of these red flags. If she refuses to even do a trial move in period (to see if you guys can even stand living with each other), there are so many things that could go wrong.

You sure she's not pregnant?

And didn't you have a famous thread a few years ago about hooking up with a random girl that got derailed by detective GAF?

Haha yes. That was a different girl. She was awesome but we broke up after like 2 months.
 

gwailo

Banned
Why would you even consider marrying someone you have broken up with 12 times? I wouldn't fathom moving in with her either. You just need to break up permanently with her and find someone that you actually get along with.
 

catbird

Neo Member
OP, I worry for you. Based on what you wrote, do not marry this woman.

The child makes it even more difficult, I know, because I am a stepparent. She will likely expect you to act as a father but without any of the the respect a father deserves, or the legal rights. I suspect you will feel very protective of this child and have bitter fights with the mother that you will always lose. You can not save the kid or her mom. Don't do this.
 
Um...everything about your post OP sounds like you two should NOT get married. You two should really be talking more about living together and seeing how that works before even considering getting married. The fact that she won't even listen to your requests on that and that she has "nothing more to give" should be telling you to truth of the matter.

You see the red flags yourself....get out OP. You deserve better than that.
 
Yea this speaks to exactly what I mean by "needing more" in the OP. I have been there for her through thick and thin. Through a very difficult child support battle with her ex and battles during mediation. She was so stressed out that she got Alopecia and lost all of her hair. I was the there for her the first day she decided to buzz off all her hair. I buzzed her hair for her and constantly reminded her how beautiful she looked. When she started wearing wigs, I took pics of her and told her how great the wigs looked on her. I bathed, fed, consoled and loved her child like she was mine. I got very close to her family and spent time with them constantly. When I say that she hasn't proven herself to me it's because I have never really felt truly valued or appreciated by her because she so routinely discarded me or broke up with me. She hit rock bottom several months ago when she swallowed a bottle of pills as her daughter slept. After she took the pills, she immediately called her mom and her mom raced by and forced her to throw up. She was then admitted to a psychiatric ward for a week with no access to any personal belongings or sharp items. We were on a long break at this point and this was after she said she wanted to marry me the first time but I told her I needed time to think about what is best for me.
From this, it sounds like she needs time to think about something like marriage. Maybe she thinks the marriage will be some sort of solution? I would overall recommend not to do it. I think you know what you want to do.
 

platocplx

Member
Yeah a title change isnt going to fix things. Your approach is reasonable and if she cant even meet you half way and understand your feelings you all may not even be a great match in marriage. Because one key thing is being able to compromise.
 

Mohasus

Member
Looks to me like she realized at therapy that you are her best shot, and now she wants to tie the knot. The problem is that everything you typed about her sounds so selfish, just like this decision to suddenly marry you.
 

weekev

Banned
Don't think of it as 3 years lost OP. Remember the good times, learn from the mistakes and get yourself back out there.
 
I really hope this a OP that listens to what at this point is a universal HELL NO to getting married and doesn't just ignore everything here.

OPpls
 

kavanf1

Member
Damn she must be fine af for your head to be so screwed up on this.

If you take that out of the equation, can you see yourself spending your life with her? It doesn't sound like it based on OP.
 

Sanchito

Member
Your relationship sounds so dysfunctional, OP. My first marriage, many, many years ago, was to someone who could not compromise and we fought a lot. We did have lots of good times too. I ignored the red flags and we got married anyway. While it was great sometimes, we still fought at least once every couple weeks or so. Eventually she cheated on me and we got divorced. It just wasn't meant to be.

No matter how hard you try to "make" things work, it seems pretty obvious that your relationship will most likely end in heartache. You BOTH need to be on the same page. She should care about how you feel and vice versa. Getting married and THEN going through a breakup is a pain in the ass, legally speaking.

Hope for the best for you!
 
You have every right to ensure your emotional needs are being met. Based on your story, she's not able/willing to meet them. Marriage would be a complete mistake in that situation.
 

Goro Majima

Kitty Genovese Member
This sounds like a horrible idea.

Nothing about your relationship sounds like it has the base to form a successful marriage. Every additional layer of a relationship has to be built on the foundation before it.

So when you go relationship > marriage > marriage with kids, you want each step before it to be rock solid. If she doesn't even want to live together for a while then you're setting yourself up for failure.

Another factor - let's say it doesn't work and you get divorced. Even if you have an easy divorce, loads of women in their 20s treat divorcees like lepers when you get back to dating. It really kinda sucks having that handicap but what can you do?
 
Op, some people have extremely rocky extended relationships and begin thinking that marriage is a "fix" for it, that they can use the "structure" of a marriage to settle down.

It almost never works out and easily one of the fastest recipes for disaster. If she doesn't even want to move in with you first it's pretty indicative she's only looking to marriage as a "fix" to her problems, which it simply isn't.
 

Thaedolus

Member
Marriage doesn't fix anything, it amplifies issues. Don't do it until you're both 100% on the same page or it'll either not last or you'll be miserable
 
She "has nothing more to give" and you're miserable, you guys constantly break up, and she's giving you a marriage ultimatum?

Say no, let her leave, and be glad you dodged a bullet.

OP please listen to the thread and posts like these.

Marriage ultimatum = hit the fucking eject button. Dont play her game because you will lose. Stand your ground and if she doesnt like that then she is free to leave.
 
Bail. This sounds like a fucking nightmare waiting to happen. Get married, get her pregnant, she wants to divorce, boom, you are fucked for a long ass time.
 
This is destined for horrific failure. People don't change; not that drastically, anyway. My friend dated a crazy girl and they had a kid together partially because he is an idiot and partially because they assumed that would be some sort of binding force to magically strengthen their relationship. She went crazier than usual, got a restraining order against him, told him she had canceled the restraining order when she hadn't, called the cops and got him put in jail for violating the restraining order he thought had been overturned. Now that's an extreme case, but the moral still holds; people will repeat past behaviors. Your relationship has never had any semblance of permanence; why would a legal obligation suddenly change that? Hell, I dated a crazy chick for years because I was in love and the sex was great, but we eventually realized that we didn't actually work very well as a couple; now we're both happily married to other people. Don't try to force something that isn't working.
 

Wiz

Member
Red flags everywhere. Marriage isn't going to magically fix everything. If the relationship has problems before, it will definitely have problems after.

End it while you still can.
 
Most people want a wedding, but aren't ready for a marriage. I've seen more than a few couples get divorced in their mid-20's too, and some more than once.

It really is sad. I didn't get married until I was 28, and even then my wife and I lived together for three years before doing so.
 
A couple comments about the comments here:

1- You're never going to be "100% on the same page" as some people are claiming for marriage, absurd idea.
2- Be mentally ready for the massive guilt-trip she's gonna lay on you when you (hopefully) breakup
 
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