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Crimes against stinkmanity...

Have ye a tale to tell?

  • Yea!

    Votes: 5 55.6%
  • Nay.

    Votes: 4 44.4%
  • I'm inured to potty humor AND stench.

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    9

Tschumi

Member
*disclaimer: i apologize for the gleeful potty humor i'm about to engage in

halloween pentagram GIF
Jack Black Mind Blown GIF by MOODMAN
halloween pentagram GIF


Pray ye to listen to my tale of adventure and heroism in the face of grave danger...

I've committed a horrible crime. A couple of weeks ago I took the ol' Shinkansen up to Tokyo for a month of bidniss, and I've been staying in a nice sharehouse with nice share mates and plenty of personal space.

This house has everything, including - stuck to a wall in the communal space - a giant TV which appears to be made of a reasonably thick card. One thing there is not a surplus of, however, is toilets. There's only one can for the 4 rooms on the top floor, which means that on occasion I've had to go through the awful experience of breathing someone's fecal residue when mounting the throne shortly after their vacating it. This is of course a most serious trial for any soul.

Well I pity the fool
google commute GIF
who steps into that hallowed space after my most recent pilgrimage! I laid down a fetid stink. I'm not even sure where it came from - I've not eaten anything that constituted week old rabbit carcass baked in road tar in at least a week - so I've reported the occurrence to the Vatican as a possible case of inadvertent exorcism...

max von sydow priest GIF

As I sat penitent on the altar, I heard the unmistakable sound of one house mate or another shuffling around outside the door... Sweat broke out on my forehead - I doubt these early- to mid-20s housemates of mine are ready to learn of the implications of a fully matured gut biome without losing their grip on sanity - and although they seemed to quickly turn tail at the gases seeping from beneath the door panel, I started casting around the room for some kind of deodorizer to hopefully mask some small measure of my crimes... Lo! A can of room scent! Fie! It's empty!

... Ah! But what's this I see?

An old bottle of 'room essence', the kind of product that you just leave in a room in the hope that it might generate a sainted miasma to counteract all demonic incursions (yes, I've been playing Diablo 2 Resurrected today) I pick it up. I give it a shake. I sniff, then quickly re-stuff my socks into my nostrils, disappointed that shaking it is clearly not enough to release any scent... I notice that there is in fact some kind of liquid within the essence vestibule so in a last ditch attempt at saving the world from this foul invasion I upended the entire thing and cackled in manic glee as a cascade of oily black scented black oil filled the bowl and liberally splattered the seat for good measure. Carefully replacing the room deodorizer back on the shelf, I took my tally of flushes to 5 and carefully mopped up, scrubbed, burnt and sent away all evidence of my deeds this day.

the lord of the rings GIF

....perhaps i'm insane, but i swear my sweater still radiates the pong..

Anyway enough of that,

Have you ever gone through the public embarrassment of advertising your inner stench in a most ungodly manner?
- Public Flatulence
- Gutsy Burping
- Poorly Located Bowl Movement
- More arcane arts than even I can imagine...
CONFESS YOUR SINS!
 
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Tschumi

Member



That's quite the stinky story. You should always keep some air freshener/deodorizer in the crapper.

I don't have any stories because I always go at home. I can hold it in for a long time.

Camel GIF by memecandy
ur a poop camel

my mum always used to burn a match after she left something vile in the vat, it just meant that i'd grow up knowing what smoky poop smells like
 
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German Hops

GAF's Nicest Lunch Thief
For whatever reason, when I was a teenager, I had to poop every time I played Mega Man 3. I don't know why, but that was just how things went back then. So me and my buddy were playing MM3 and I felt a nice firm poop trying to escape. I put down my controller and told him I needed to go upstairs to use the restroom. At this time, I had just become cool enough to start wearing boxers. Anyways, I began walking up the stairs and I could see that my friend was beginning to follow me. I'm about a quarter way up the stairs when I feel the urge to fart.

I let it loose.

What followed was the feeling of a single little pebble of turd matter grazing down my upper leg through my boxers, out of my basketball shorts, and right onto the stairs. I kept my cool and continued to ascend the stairs, but I was in pure terror. My buddy walked up behind me and suddenly stopped. He shouted, "what the heck!? there is poop on the stairs!." Keeping my cool, I replied, "Oh, that's weird, it must have been the cat. I'll get it." I then proceeded to the restroom, grabbed a tissue, came back down and picked up my own shit with a tissue then threw it in the toilet. To this day, no one knows that it wasn't the cat. Now I only wear briefs so that my poop has no chance of escaping.

Thanks for reading my brief story.
 
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Tschumi

Member
For whatever reason, when I was a teenager, I had to poop every time I played Mega Man 3. I don't know why, but that was just how things went back then. So me and my buddy were playing MM3 and I felt a nice firm poop trying to escape. I put down my controller and told him I needed to go upstairs to use the restroom. At this time, I had just become cool enough to start wearing boxers. Anyways, I began walking up the stairs and I could see that my friend was beginning to follow me. I'm about a quarter way up the stairs when I feel the urge to fart.

I let it loose.

What followed was the feeling of a single little pebble of turd matter grazing down my upper leg through my boxers, out of my basketball shorts, and right onto the stairs. I kept my cool and continued to ascend the stairs, but I was in pure terror. My buddy walked up behind me and suddenly stopped. He shouted, "what the heck!? there is poop on the stairs!." Keeping my cool, I replied, "Oh, that's weird, it must have been the cat. I'll get it." I then proceeded to the restroom, grabbed a tissue, came back down and picked up my own shit with a tissue then threw it in the toilet. To this day, no one knows that it wasn't the cat. Now I only wear briefs so that my poop has no chance of escaping.

Thanks for reading my brief story.
NSFW post lol i had to bite my lip not to burst out laughing at 'pebble'

happy doctor who GIF
 
One time at a Target, I felt the most heinous of gases brewing within. Sometimes you just know what's about to be released, and I couldn't hold it in. So I let it out, and it offended me, so god knows how others would react. I was too ashamed to remain in the then-empty isle I left it in, so I moved. But as I walked down the next isle I heard some poor lady who had just entered the fog exclaim "Good lord." or something like that - I don't remember her pronouncement of doom any more. She probably never returned to *any* Target. :p
 

Tschumi

Member
One time at a Target, I felt the most heinous of gases brewing within. Sometimes you just know what's about to be released, and I couldn't hold it in. So I let it out, and it offended me, so god knows how others would react. I was too ashamed to remain in the then-empty isle I left it in, so I moved. But as I walked down the next isle I heard some poor lady who had just entered the fog exclaim "Good lord." or something like that - I don't remember her pronouncement of doom any more. She probably never returned to *any* Target. :p
bwahahaha

the linger ah yes we've all been there. worse still the 'cape' that trails us no matter where we run to

Claimed it asap cause it was a perfectly timed work of art.
London Thank You GIF by Lord's Cricket Ground


Robust control over one's sphincter indicates a hale and hearty digestive system of which any man or woman, non-binary, or indeed hippo, would be proud.
 
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ParaSeoul

Member
Think for me it was the final exam of high school of all things, it was a two and a half hour paper, don't remember on what, probably English.
I'm normally pretty good with letting them out silent but deadly style in class especially if I'm sitting at my preferred spot at the back of the classroom. But this time it was different, we were in alphabetical order so I was near the front of the class. It was in the last 40-30 minutes I felt it brewing, no big deal I thought. A few minutes later I realized it was indeed a big deal, began to immediately regret the decision to eat Korean food the night before. In the last 15 minutes, the really loud gurgles started, the people sitting around me actually heard, I could feel their eyes on me.

I knew something big was about to be unleashed so I rushed through the last couple questions,praying that the teacher would let me out early, felt like she took an eternity to walk over to my desk, as soon as she reached out her hand I stood up to hand her the paper and thats when it happened, probably one of the biggest farts I've ever ripped in my life,just 10 whole seconds of raw flatulence, such a relief I momentarily forgot I just dropped a nuke in front of the entire class and probably gave the girl who sat behind me pink eye. I bolted out of class so I didn't have time to gauge the aroma but seeing everyone else, teacher included also just end the test right at that point tells me it was probably not very hospitable. I'm glad I'll probably never see anyone from school again.
 
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GymWolf

Member
Stop talking like adam warlock if you are gonna ask me a question about farts and burps.

My neighboors hear every fart or burp or anything that comes out by my orifices because we have ultra thin walls dividing the houses...

I don't even need to be in public to get embarassed on a daily bases.
 
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Kind of related, but every pussy I've ever gone down on has been a bit fishy and sweet....once I actually got one that smelled as it was supposed to, a bit chickeny, I recoiled as it caught me by surprise. I was expecting fillet of fish and got a Sunday roast instead.
 

ParaSeoul

Member
Kind of related, but every pussy I've ever gone down on has been a bit fishy and sweet....once I actually got one that smelled as it was supposed to, a bit chickeny, I recoiled as it caught me by surprise. I was expecting fillet of fish and got a Sunday roast instead.
This would have been more applicable in this thread if you were talking about the other side
 

Star-Lord

Member
I remember once when I was a kid, I was playing Goof Troop on SNES with my friend, and really felt the urge to go. I excused myself, went to the bathroom, and went to sit down but noticed a huge spider above the toilet. I legged it, hating spiders as I do. I didn’t mention it to my friend as I was too embarrassed to admit such a fear.

Instead, we carried on playing Goof Troop. My stomach gurgled, loosened, and I felt a nugget of shit ease its way out. I readjusted my position, felt the shit squish beneath me, and carried on playing. My friend eventually picked up on a smell, but couldn’t place it.

It happens to the best of us.
 

IDKFA

I am Become Bilbo Baggins
Okay.

In a previous employment, I was sat at my desk and had the sudden urge to take a shit. It came on so suddenly that the turtle head was popping out of the shell as soon as I stood up. I moved as quickly as I could to the toilet, knowing full well that any wrong move means I'll totally shit my pants.

After making it to the toilet, I was confronted with a toilet that didn't have a toilet seat. I couldn't use the other toilet as it was occupied, so I has no choice but to drop my pants and hover over the rim.

However, I completely misjudged my distance and my 15 inch turd spiraled out of my ass and onto the back rim of the toilet.

I had two choices. First, I wrap my hand in paper and physically pick up my shit and put it in the toilet, or just leave there for somebody else to worry about.

I left it.

I'm ashamed of myself for doing so, but I'm not picking up my own shit. I think we'd all have done the same thing.
 
While most people enjoy crapping on the company dime, I need home field advantage for poopin, only use public restrooms for that in dire emergencies.

My personal bathroom at home is already an unholy mess, but I'm the only one who uses it so idgaf. Single life is still best life.
 

NeoIkaruGAF

Gold Member
Okay.

In a previous employment, I was sat at my desk and had the sudden urge to take a shit. It came on so suddenly that the turtle head was popping out of the shell as soon as I stood up. I moved as quickly as I could to the toilet, knowing full well that any wrong move means I'll totally shit my pants.

After making it to the toilet, I was confronted with a toilet that didn't have a toilet seat. I couldn't use the other toilet as it was occupied, so I has no choice but to drop my pants and hover over the rim.

However, I completely misjudged my distance and my 15 inch turd spiraled out of my ass and onto the back rim of the toilet.

I had two choices. First, I wrap my hand in paper and physically pick up my shit and put it in the toilet, or just leave there for somebody else to worry about.

I left it.

I'm ashamed of myself for doing so, but I'm not picking up my own shit. I think we'd all have done the same thing.
This exact thing happened to me in the first year of middle school. Asked to go mid-class, nobody around. But there were only those squatting-style toilets in there. Not being used to that, and being terrified of shitting my pants as well, I misfired... badly.

News of the... thing I did made the rounds during break, but luckily nobody ever pinned it down to me.
I’ll never forget this one classmate reporting it, grinning from ear to ear, and saying something like “There’s even droplets on the wall! It’s like a horse shat in there!”
 

ParaSeoul

Member
I left it.

I'm ashamed of myself for doing so, but I'm not picking up my own shit. I think we'd all have done the same thing.
Public restrooms are free for alls in my opinion,let the janitorial staff worry about what happens in there. Used to go to a Nando's for my dumps before/after morning classes in college,answering natures call while latin dance music plays is a special experience. Did it until one day the manager stops me because there were complaints and said I should at least buy something if I was going to destroy their toilets daily.
 

Tschumi

Member
Okay.

In a previous employment, I was sat at my desk and had the sudden urge to take a shit. It came on so suddenly that the turtle head was popping out of the shell as soon as I stood up. I moved as quickly as I could to the toilet, knowing full well that any wrong move means I'll totally shit my pants.

After making it to the toilet, I was confronted with a toilet that didn't have a toilet seat. I couldn't use the other toilet as it was occupied, so I has no choice but to drop my pants and hover over the rim.

However, I completely misjudged my distance and my 15 inch turd spiraled out of my ass and onto the back rim of the toilet.

I had two choices. First, I wrap my hand in paper and physically pick up my shit and put it in the toilet, or just leave there for somebody else to worry about.

I left it.

I'm ashamed of myself for doing so, but I'm not picking up my own shit. I think we'd all have done the same thing.
Twas the month before Christmas
And as i slept in my bed
Visions of 15 inch turds spiralling out of arseholes willy nilly
Danced in my head
 
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For whatever reason, when I was a teenager, I had to poop every time I played Mega Man 3. I don't know why, but that was just how things went back then. So me and my buddy were playing MM3 and I felt a nice firm poop trying to escape. I put down my controller and told him I needed to go upstairs to use the restroom. At this time, I had just become cool enough to start wearing boxers. Anyways, I began walking up the stairs and I could see that my friend was beginning to follow me. I'm about a quarter way up the stairs when I feel the urge to fart.

I let it loose.

What followed was the feeling of a single little pebble of turd matter grazing down my upper leg through my boxers, out of my basketball shorts, and right onto the stairs. I kept my cool and continued to ascend the stairs, but I was in pure terror. My buddy walked up behind me and suddenly stopped. He shouted, "what the heck!? there is poop on the stairs!." Keeping my cool, I replied, "Oh, that's weird, it must have been the cat. I'll get it." I then proceeded to the restroom, grabbed a tissue, came back down and picked up my own shit with a tissue then threw it in the toilet. To this day, no one knows that it wasn't the cat. Now I only wear briefs so that my poop has no chance of escaping.

Thanks for reading my brief story.


755728.jpg
 

Happosai

Hold onto your panties
*disclaimer: i apologize for the gleeful potty humor i'm about to engage in

halloween pentagram GIF
Jack Black Mind Blown GIF by MOODMAN
halloween pentagram GIF


Pray ye to listen to my tale of adventure and heroism in the face of grave danger...

I've committed a horrible crime. A couple of weeks ago I took the ol' Shinkansen up to Tokyo for a month of bidniss, and I've been staying in a nice sharehouse with nice share mates and plenty of personal space.

This house has everything, including - stuck to a wall in the communal space - a giant TV which appears to be made of a reasonably thick card. One thing there is not a surplus of, however, is toilets. There's only one can for the 4 rooms on the top floor, which means that on occasion I've had to go through the awful experience of breathing someone's fecal residue when mounting the throne shortly after their vacating it. This is of course a most serious trial for any soul.

Well I pity the fool
google commute GIF
who steps into that hallowed space after my most recent pilgrimage! I laid down a fetid stink. I'm not even sure where it came from - I've not eaten anything that constituted week old rabbit carcass baked in road tar in at least a week - so I've reported the occurrence to the Vatican as a possible case of inadvertent exorcism...

max von sydow priest GIF

As I sat penitent on the altar, I heard the unmistakable sound of one house mate or another shuffling around outside the door... Sweat broke out on my forehead - I doubt these early- to mid-20s housemates of mine are ready to learn of the implications of a fully matured gut biome without losing their grip on sanity - and although they seemed to quickly turn tail at the gases seeping from beneath the door panel, I started casting around the room for some kind of deodorizer to hopefully mask some small measure of my crimes... Lo! A can of room scent! Fie! It's empty!

... Ah! But what's this I see?

An old bottle of 'room essence', the kind of product that you just leave in a room in the hope that it might generate a sainted miasma to counteract all demonic incursions (yes, I've been playing Diablo 2 Resurrected today) I pick it up. I give it a shake. I sniff, then quickly re-stuff my socks into my nostrils, disappointed that shaking it is clearly not enough to release any scent... I notice that there is in fact some kind of liquid within the essence vestibule so in a last ditch attempt at saving the world from this foul invasion I upended the entire thing and cackled in manic glee as a cascade of oily black scented black oil filled the bowl and liberally splattered the seat for good measure. Carefully replacing the room deodorizer back on the shelf, I took my tally of flushes to 5 and carefully mopped up, scrubbed, burnt and sent away all evidence of my deeds this day.

the lord of the rings GIF

....perhaps i'm insane, but i swear my sweater still radiates the pong..

Anyway enough of that,

Have you ever gone through the public embarrassment of advertising your inner stench in a most ungodly manner?
- Public Flatulence
- Gutsy Burping
- Poorly Located Bowl Movement
- More arcane arts than even I can imagine...
CONFESS YOUR SINS!
Have many great stories...but..I'll share just one about my Dad.

My Dad would let go of barn burners all the time (by the way -- barn burner is one that burns on the way out, sulfuric in smell and tends to melt or burn things down; not limited to a barn as we grew up on a farm).
One night when I was in high school -- my Dad called me into the living room and asked me to get rid of a wasp that was tripped in one of our windows. Then he turned around and was like, "I have to go pick your sister up from marching band practice." Completely none related to what he was saying and where he was going, he lifted one leg up and let go of a low bass bohmp. Before I could laugh at the sound - the room was filled with a terrible vapor of boiled eggs and a savage week old ham sandwich. He walked out very quickly and left. Somehow, the wasp was still alive and I left the room due to the smell more than anything else. I went to look for a better swatter to kill the wasp (this was a type of wasp which would get into clothing back then and sting multiple times). Their exoskeletons are very strong and they don't go down easily. Nearly 25-minutes later, I went back into the living room with a harder plastic swatter and was taken back by the same rotten smell that my Dad dropped nearly half an hour before. I've never known a fart to stick so long in a room like that. I'm not sure if that's when I made up my own definition of 'barn burner.' But that was a barn burner and I was able to kill the wasp but again...just surprised that the toxic cloud has not killed it prior.

I've got a few more but I'll leave it at that for now.
 

Lunarorbit

Member
I just found out what Fouriers gangrene is but browsing reddit. That sounds stinky.

Do not look it up. I saw a pic of Emma Watson being grabbed by weinstein and read about it there. Fucking heinous. Basically his dick is necrotic and there is all kinds of grossness happening.

It's not about shitting in public but I had to share that disgusting story. Again probably don't do an image search cause I havent.
 

Tschumi

Member
Have many great stories...but..I'll share just one about my Dad.

My Dad would let go of barn burners all the time (by the way -- barn burner is one that burns on the way out, sulfuric in smell and tends to melt or burn things down; not limited to a barn as we grew up on a farm).
One night when I was in high school -- my Dad called me into the living room and asked me to get rid of a wasp that was tripped in one of our windows. Then he turned around and was like, "I have to go pick your sister up from marching band practice." Completely none related to what he was saying and where he was going, he lifted one leg up and let go of a low bass bohmp. Before I could laugh at the sound - the room was filled with a terrible vapor of boiled eggs and a savage week old ham sandwich. He walked out very quickly and left. Somehow, the wasp was still alive and I left the room due to the smell more than anything else. I went to look for a better swatter to kill the wasp (this was a type of wasp which would get into clothing back then and sting multiple times). Their exoskeletons are very strong and they don't go down easily. Nearly 25-minutes later, I went back into the living room with a harder plastic swatter and was taken back by the same rotten smell that my Dad dropped nearly half an hour before. I've never known a fart to stick so long in a room like that. I'm not sure if that's when I made up my own definition of 'barn burner.' But that was a barn burner and I was able to kill the wasp but again...just surprised that the toxic cloud has not killed it prior.

I've got a few more but I'll leave it at that for now.
Ye gads, what new devilry is this? An stank that doth not dissipate?

I must contact the Vatican...

We must discount one possibility though:

Could it have been your upper lip?
 

Tschumi

Member
I just found out what Fouriers gangrene is but browsing reddit. That sounds stinky.

Do not look it up. I saw a pic of Emma Watson being grabbed by weinstein and read about it there. Fucking heinous. Basically his dick is necrotic and there is all kinds of grossness happening.

It's not about shitting in public but I had to share that disgusting story. Again probably don't do an image search cause I havent.
Jesus :sick: crime against stinkmanity confirmed...
 
I think I spoke about this before, but there was a time my brother and I both had the gases, we went into a Walgreens, it was like those video game missions where you have to plant C4 everywhere except with fart bombs, aisle by aisle we released punishment in haste, making sure not to retrace our steps as Keelber and Lucky stared on from the shelves and bitter employees no doubt screamed. We got to the check out and a bit of remorse seeped into my mind as I wondered what the next group of customers would think as the pungent disease invaded their nostrils. We had made it out, but others battles had just begun.
 

Tschumi

Member
I think I spoke about this before, but there was a time my brother and I both had the gases, we went into a Walgreens, it was like those video game missions where you have to plant C4 everywhere except with fart bombs, aisle by aisle we released punishment in haste, making sure not to retrace our steps as Keelber and Lucky stared on from the shelves and bitter employees no doubt screamed. We got to the check out and a bit of remorse seeped into my mind as I wondered what the next group of customers would think as the pungent disease invaded their nostrils. We had made it out, but others battles had just begun.
Sometimes you just need to make the insertion, execute the objective and hel'o outta there before reinforcements come

Sempre fi
 
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Happosai

Hold onto your panties
Ye gads, what new devilry is this? An stank that doth not dissipate?

I must contact the Vatican...

We must discount one possibility though:

Could it have been your upper lip?
It would be easy to blame it on a stinky booger but I think it has to do with what my Dad's diet was back then. My Dad's the 5th generation owner of the family Ag Engineering business. Back then, he'd get up around 5AM to go to work and eat dark coffee with some pretty high cal pastries. He has always had workers coming in and out to have to train; so he'd usually eat fast food for lunch and drink Diet Coke. That part of anyone who partakes in a diet of fast food and all that is going to be throwing out some barn burners. Even the smallest "pop" fart had enough power to leave scorch marks.
 

Tschumi

Member
Oh, woe is me, my latest deuce was of the same foul breed as OP... The wallpaper in my toilet twists, the enamel of the bowl is burning away, my fair frizzles into nothingness... Any trace of disease in my system has surely been atomized by the intense radiation emanating from the putrid pile ... My nostrils feel red raw...

william friedkin exorcism GIF by gifnews
 

ParaSeoul

Member
Considering this has just become the designated fart thread on here,I have to share this. I think I unleashed the biggest fart humanly possible back in 2020. I was at my friends house with my Ex and a couple of other friends. It was after a rather big lunch. The less fart tolerant among us made a rule that if anyone had to let one rip,they had to go down to the garage. Even before it happened I think I felt it build up for an hour and I knew it was going to be massive so I recorded it. I'll let the clip speak for itself,I would be surprised if anyone can top this.
 
Considering this has just become the designated fart thread on here,I have to share this. I think I unleashed the biggest fart humanly possible back in 2020. I was at my friends house with my Ex and a couple of other friends. It was after a rather big lunch. The less fart tolerant among us made a rule that if anyone had to let one rip,they had to go down to the garage. Even before it happened I think I felt it build up for an hour and I knew it was going to be massive so I recorded it. I'll let the clip speak for itself,I would be surprised if anyone can top this.

Absolutely stunning.
 

AJUMP23

Member
This past Sunday a church when I was teaching the children, one of the workers discovered that one of the boys who was at the Foosball table peed in the corner of the room and covered it with a chair. I guess he didn't want to leave the table and go to the restroom so he went over to the corner, peed, and set a chair over it. That was a new one for me. The bathroom was literally 20 ft away.
 
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