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Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.

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I've been having difficulty with the breakup a couple weeks ago even if I was the one that made the decision.

I know relationships are work but I just felt like there was too much work to do and I just didn't want to do it anymore. There were key mutual interests that were missing and to be totally honest, I don't the think the physical attraction was where it needed to be.

I need to work on myself professionally and personally where I think I can be at the point of committing totally to one person. With this, I hope there's some good dates and short term relationships, and of course reading books so I can have a good picture of what I'm getting myself into. I think my lack of experience ultimately did the relationship in even though I did my best.

All thing being said, one tends to feel guilty about the breakup and also anxious that you'll never find someone who loves you as well as this girl did. Feels bad man.
 

Servbot24

Banned
Never really understood wanting to have a short term relationship... doesn't breaking up a bunch of times kinda suck? Or are you meaning more one night stand kind of things

Anyways being single is awesome. If you're focused you'll get a huge amount of stuff done. I definitely miss it at times.
 

JohnDoe

Banned
I give up. It's the girls market and i'm not even considered on the menu. I guess i'll re-apply when i've become a freaking doctor, grown a full size beard and do idontknowwhatever for a hobby. Fuck this.

I've seen all kinds of dudes get dates bruh, relax... being a doctor with interesting hobbies and fabulous facial hair definitely isn't a requirement lmao.
 
Slept with my ex today. Oops. Not sure if it was a one time thing or not but we're talking about going to a gig together in a couple of weeks. We'll see what happens. Would be good to hang out, even as friends.
 

clav

Member
But the reason I'm unhappy is because no one likes me.
Keep thinking like this, and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

A lot of people are turned off from the way you post in the forum. I care that much just to let you know. Several other posters have alerted you before, so they care, too.

You think one person will solve all your problems, but life doesn't go that way.

I have interests, I have things to share. I can't find a single person who isn't put off by them or myself. That's depressing.

Patience. A lot of us feel this way. The difference is that we keep being content because getting angry/mad/whiny is too easy. Everyone/anyone can be a negative nancy.
 

waypoetic

Banned
I've seen all kinds of dudes get dates bruh, relax... being a doctor with interesting hobbies and fabulous facial hair definitely isn't a requirement lmao.

I don't know, i feel unwanted as fuck. I log on to this dating site i'm on and there hasn't even been a single visitor in a day. And last time i was out with my friends at the bar, my friend (the extroverted fuck that he is) got lucky and my drunken, bitter response was to go full asshole-mode.

Blergh :(
 

stn

Member
@grap3

Remember how you said before your depression and lack of self-respect don't show to people in real-life? Well, they do. That girl who treated you like shit and yet you allowed her to continue? She did so because she knew you didn't respect yourself and exploited it (some people are like that, it happens). Also, what if some GAF'ers in that thread ignored you because they've seen your posts in here?

You really need to accept the fact that you MUST change your outlook first before anything. No single girl is going to change your life.
 
This is the silliest thing I heard all day. Just start shaving your head if you're balding. Believe me, balding has only something to say on your self-image. Not on how others perceive you. If you want to circumvent the whole problem, just shave your head. I know plenty of guys that do, and they're really awesome/handsome people. It's honestly not a problem at all.

I know this, I just like to joke to take the edge off my insecurities
 
Z

ZombieFred

Unconfirmed Member
Well I've decided to give dating a go again and hope I'll find that special other again.I was wondering if you guys are happy to look at my profile and see if this is fine as I would like to try and find someone similar but I've had some fair share of bad online experiences in the past as never seem to find someone I could relate to! And also none of my friends are the going out drinking social type and I live in the UK and not too sure if going out by yourself is a good idea!

Profile here

What do you think?
 

GK86

Homeland Security Fail
Well I've decided to give dating a go again and hope I'll find that special other again.I was wondering if you guys are happy to look at my profile and see if this is fine as I would like to try and find someone similar but I've had some fair share of bad online experiences in the past as never seem to find someone I could relate to! And also none of my friends are the going out drinking social type and I live in the UK and not too sure if going out by yourself is a good idea!

Profile here

What do you think?

Post the profile in the Online Dating thread as well. Can also PM backslashbunny to give it a look and give you a woman's perspective.
 

nullset2

Junior Member
Hey guys, help here.

I have on my rotation one of my best prospects in a huge time, seems to be an amazing chick, and she's from out of town too so this could get HUGE for socialization and fun. Potentially lots of common interests, seems to have great attitude. Friend of my sister's, she's single and is actually proactively looking for cool dates. Very cute looking. She actually told her to have me add her on facebook to begin the interaction, so I gather, she's interested.

I got in touch in facebook, we do actually have a good conversation going. A cool girl replying back to me for a change, first time in years. The usual questions about work, school and hobbies and the like, nothing special. I brought up going out to eat something on the saturday so we can chat in person, and she was all like "hell yeah that sounds great", but the plan ultimately fell through the cracks since she worked on the weekend.

I've just kept messaging to chat about her day, and the ball is in my court right now actually. Wat do. Should I bring up the dinner again? She didn't really reschedule when she dropped the other invitation, but truth be told she seems like a very busy person. She did say she was sorry that she had to work...

Also please someone suggest good questions to make, and good angles to take. I really want to get to know this chick better if possible.
 
D

Deleted member 47027

Unconfirmed Member
Looking for a bit of advice. I've been out with probably 10 or so women lately and I feel nothing for them. It's good company most times, but I honestly have no desire to see any of them anymore. Anyone else deal with this kind of...indifference on this kind of scale? To clarify, it's not like I'm finding dealbreakers with any of them, I just don't feel anything inside that's special that draws me back. Should I perhaps stop dating for a while?
 
Quick update on this:

Slept with my ex today. Oops. Not sure if it was a one time thing or not but we're talking about going to a gig together in a couple of weeks. We'll see what happens. Would be good to hang out, even as friends.

We had a chat today. Told him I can't trust him right now and if we keep sleeping together I'll fall for him again. Going to take a step back just now and maybe go out for a drink in the next couple of weeks.
 

Septimius

Junior Member
I know this, I just like to joke to take the edge off my insecurities

You're focusing on your insecurities. It's quite the opposite. Making a joke about an insecurity is not removing that insecurity.
Looking for a bit of advice. I've been out with probably 10 or so women lately and I feel nothing for them. It's good company most times, but I honestly have no desire to see any of them anymore. Anyone else deal with this kind of...indifference on this kind of scale? To clarify, it's not like I'm finding dealbreakers with any of them, I just don't feel anything inside that's special that draws me back. Should I perhaps stop dating for a while?

Might be a good idea. You might bore from the same old lap around the house. Perhaps when you feel excited to go on a first date, you might have a better chance of actually liking the person.

Quick update on this:



We had a chat today. Told him I can't trust him right now and if we keep sleeping together I'll fall for him again. Going to take a step back just now and maybe go out for a drink in the next couple of weeks.

Why keep seeing him? You know you can't trust him, now. It's a far, far way away for you to trust him. I don't really see anything good from "taking a step back", but keeping him still within reach.
 

stn

Member
We had a chat today. Told him I can't trust him right now and if we keep sleeping together I'll fall for him again. Going to take a step back just now and maybe go out for a drink in the next couple of weeks.
If you can't trust him now then what difference will a couple of weeks make? Will you suddenly trust him more just because you wouldn't have seen him for two weeks? This is one of those things where you either trust him now and go all out, or don't and just move on.The vibe I'm getting is that you just don't want to completely let go.
 
It's been 6 months, I don't think we can just jump straight back to where we were. So I think taking it slow is a good idea. His trustworthiness is related to his ability to commit to plans, not that I think he'll lie or cheat. And I want to see him because I've never met anyone who made me feel the way he did. Yes he hurt me, but he didn't do it on purpose.
 

mephel

Member
I'm kinda in her shoes. Where I have to spend my money wisely. Sometimes picking which days I can buy myself some real food or not eat until I get home.

I'm currently dating this woman who makes good money. I also don't like her paying, but we trade who pays and whatnot.

I handle it by planning inexpensive dates. Movies at my place, park dates, museums, cheap eats, etc. I don't know where you live, but I'm sure you can find inexpensive things to do. And "splurge" every once in awhile.

I understand that, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I mean, I have it constantly on my mind during the date. She is still studying so the discrepancy is massive (like 20+ times) and I just feel bad about it.

It doesn't help that I hate talking about money (I mean, I wouldn't be opposed to having a discussion about investments or something like that). I have never had to worry about the basic stuff (If I need a new jacket or something, I'll just buy it (which usually takes crapton of time because of how picky I am)) so I have really no idea what to say. I can't very well say "don't worry about it" when she tells me about money issues.
 
As someone who had sex/contact with an ex post-breakup take my word for it, no contact is the way to go. It'll only make things more difficult and confusing. I don't know your situation but I'd bet that's the best option.

Never really understood wanting to have a short term relationship... doesn't breaking up a bunch of times kinda suck? Or are you meaning more one night stand kind of things
Eh, probably more ONS/FWB thing if I can find it. I "grew up" extremely religious and while that helped develop a good certain side to my personality that is beneficial in relationships, it also left me pretty experiences with dating. All of my relationships to date have been "serious" ones. So I think doing a bit of exploring would be good.

That being said, I'm cool with being single for awhile. I'm happy to work on me and enjoy my free time.
 
Hello DatingGAF, first post in this thread!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

About 4 weeks ago I broke up with my ex-girlfriend (of a year, wasn't really serious) and left her for this 25 year old at work (I'm 22). And now the 25 year old (we'll refer to her as "S") left me on Wednesday because she still considers me a "boy" and various other reasons. We live a fair bit away from each other (about a 30 minute drive) but meet up in a mutual place to hang out, etc. It sucks because I wanted it to be my first "real" relationship and not just hanging out with sex involved, you know? She was very cool at first and we had the exact same tastes in a lot of things, and was a really intelligent and beautiful woman.

There's more details to it but the past few days of dating her S was acting very weird and sort of a jerk at times. She got upset at me and said she "feels like I'm in high school again" because I didn't drive all the way to her house to pick her up. And expects me (someone who makes a fair bit less than her) to pay for her every meal and every time we go out, despite S making nearly six figures and having a career because you're "supposed to treat a girl". I'm alright with paying for someone but not all the time. Kept telling me how guys drive her to the fanciest places in town in Ferraris and pay for her meals, etc. I'm still a student technically and can't provide that anytime soon. There's a few more problems I've had with her (like the first time we went out she thought I was checking out another girl and still brings that up weeks after). I think she's insecure or not very trusting towards guys in general.

Now she called me earlier this morning and one of the things she said was she gave me a chance and didn't ever have strong feelings for me - despite telling me the sweetest things just a week or so before, and being the one that wanted us to be boyfriend and girlfriend in the first place (about two weeks after I started talking to her).

It's just a shitty situation because I feel led on and ultimately mistreated. I never bought into the concept of relationships and love but with her I really wanted to give it to a try. I'll try not to let this experience taint my view but it'll be hard. Don't think I'll date any girl for a while unless it's a one night stand/FWB type deal that I'm used to.
 

beat

Member
said she "feels like I'm in high school again" because I didn't drive all the way to her house to pick her up. And expects me (someone who makes a fair bit less than her) to pay for her every meal and every time we go out, despite S making nearly six figures and having a career because you're "supposed to treat a girl". I'm alright with paying for someone but not all the time. Kept telling me how guys drive her to the fanciest places in town in Ferraris and pay for her meals, etc. I'm still a student technically and can't provide that anytime soon. There's a few more problems I've had with her (like the first time we went out she thought I was checking out another girl and still brings that up weeks after). I think she's insecure or not very trusting towards guys in general.
I mean, I'm sure it does suck, but honestly it sounds like you dodged a bullet there. She sounds … not good.
 

stn

Member
It's been 6 months, I don't think we can just jump straight back to where we were. So I think taking it slow is a good idea. His trustworthiness is related to his ability to commit to plans, not that I think he'll lie or cheat. And I want to see him because I've never met anyone who made me feel the way he did. Yes he hurt me, but he didn't do it on purpose.
This is strictly my opinion, take it as you will. If he makes you feel good but he's not good at committing to things, then you need to lay all your cards on the table and let him know what the deal is. If he's a past offender then this is something you want to set out immediately, not work into. In my experience people generally have a hard time changing. You have to take charge on this and make your demands clear, he won't figure them out otherwise because he's used to not committing and doing things however he does them. The key is for him not to change, but to understand why what he did was wrong.

@Dissonnance

She never liked you. She basically just wanted someone to fit the stereotype and image of a man in a relationship. Her projected view of things is like she's seen on TV, like she's been conditioned to accept by society. You basically dodged a bullet, she was only around you to fulfill her own desires. And yes, she's very insecure. Ignore her and move on.
 

kittoo

Cretinously credulous
God I am getting so many mixed signals, it seems.

This girl keeps saying things to me like you are looking good, you are a 9.5/10 as far as looks and personality are concerned, you have improved yourself so much (I have been working out, have changed hairstyle etc.), she listens to what I say intently, laughs even at my shitty jokes, calls me from my nickname (nobody else does that) and hell, even other people also thought that she liked me.
But she also does this thing where sometimes she invites another guy (let me explain something about that guy. It's pretty clear that he likes her, everyone can see that. But it also seems like he has been friendzoned. We all work at the same place and he is with her all the time, sometimes even when she didnt ask him to accompany her. You get the idea.) when there was clearly a chance that we could be alone together. For example, I told her that I was going to cook food today, she says that she would like to eat that, but then invites that guy along too. God it was so frustrating. To do all the work for three people, where what I wanted was to be able to spend time with her alone. And the guy didnt even ask me if it was OK with me, I was the one making the dinner!
These negative signals are always related to this guy. A lot of times she invites him (he is almost always nearby) and of course he never says no.
I really don't know whats going on here. I hate mixed signals.
 
God I am getting so many mixed signals, it seems.

This girl keeps saying things to me like you are looking good, you are a 9.5/10 as far as looks and personality are concerned, you have improved yourself so much (I have been working out, have changed hairstyle etc.), she listens to what I say intently, laughs even at my shitty jokes, calls me from my nickname (nobody else does that) and hell, even other people also thought that she liked me.
But she also does this thing where sometimes she invites another guy (let me explain something about that guy. It's pretty clear that he likes her, everyone can see that. But it also seems like he has been friendzoned. We all work at the same place and he is with her all the time, sometimes even when she didnt ask him to accompany her. You get the idea.) when there was clearly a chance that we could be alone together. For example, I told her that I was going to cook food today, she says that she would like to eat that, but then invites that guy along too. God it was so frustrating. To do all the work for three people, where what I wanted was to be able to spend time with her alone. And the guy didnt even ask me if it was OK with me, I was the one making the dinner!
These negative signals are always related to this guy. A lot of times she invites him (he is almost always nearby) and of course he never says no.
I really don't know whats going on here. I hate mixed signals.
Stop giving her attention and move on. She obviously isn't into you like that.
 

stn

Member
On the other hand, she could be using the guy as a tool to make you jealous. Inserting him in so you either "fight" him for her affection, or just to make you see she has other male friends. When she said you were a 9.5/10, how did you respond? If you said something like "oh, thanks" and just continued on your business, she could view that as a rejection.

There's an easy solution to this, man. You're worrying about her signals and whatever when you should actually be worrying about your OWN signals. Do you like her? If yes, tell her straight-up that you want to see her alone. If not, continue your business. Though its obvious from your thread that you like her.

Make moves based on you, not based on her.
 
On the other hand, she could be using the guy as a tool to make you jealous. Inserting him in so you either "fight" him for her affection, or just to make you see she has other male friends. When she said you were a 9.5/10, how did you respond? If you said something like "oh, thanks" and just continued on your business, she could view that as a rejection.

There's an easy solution to this, man. You're worrying about her signals and whatever when you should actually be worrying about your OWN signals. Do you like her? If yes, tell her straight-up that you want to see her alone. If not, continue your business. Though its obvious from your thread that you like her.

Make moves based on you, not based on her.

Why bother though? You really want to date someone who's going put of their way to make you jealous and cause awkward interactions. Sounds like an headache waiting to happen, not sure why someone would want to settle for that. Sounds like she's acting childish at best. He can do better than that. Take some pride in yourself.
 

stn

Member
Yes, she's definitely being childish and also using the other guy. Its not something I approve of generally but it is something lots of girls will do. Its part of their version of the game and a reflection of their insecurity. One of my friends did this to me after I met a girl in a club while she was there. She's one of the nicest people out there, she just had a weak moment. I noticed it because it was very obvious, yet it didn't sway me because I wasn't into her physically regardless.

My guess is this girl feels rejected after calling the poster a 9.5/10 and somehow not getting anything out of it. This girl might just be having a weak moment. She could also be the type who does this anyway just out of a huge ego, but that's something we won't know.
 
I mean, I'm sure it does suck, but honestly it sounds like you dodged a bullet there. She sounds … not good.

yep. just get out of there. from the sounds of it, i'm willing to bet you hear from her again. just ignore her and move on.
Thanks guys. That is what I'm thinking of doing. :)

@Dissonnance

She never liked you. She basically just wanted someone to fit the stereotype and image of a man in a relationship. Her projected view of things is like she's seen on TV, like she's been conditioned to accept by society. You basically dodged a bullet, she was only around you to fulfill her own desires. And yes, she's very insecure. Ignore her and move on.
I feel she did at the start but couldn't get over certain aspects and if anything that just told me how superficial she is. No skin off my back, I have no problem talking and dating women. 'twas just a little disappointing how she took a full 180 turn in just a few days.
 

stn

Member
Someone who doesn't want you because of a car or whatever doesn't like you. They just like the combination of you and your assets fulfilling certain desires. My guess is she just wanted a security blanket for whatever reason.

I'll date someone if he has a car, but won't if he doesn't.

To me that example just sounds wrong on so many basic levels. As I said before, just move on. Good luck, man. :)
 

kittoo

Cretinously credulous
Stop giving her attention and move on. She obviously isn't into you like that.

:(

Why bother though? You really want to date someone who's going put of their way to make you jealous and cause awkward interactions. Sounds like an headache waiting to happen, not sure why someone would want to settle for that. Sounds like she's acting childish at best. He can do better than that. Take some pride in yourself.

Yes, she's definitely being childish and also using the other guy. Its not something I approve of generally but it is something lots of girls will do. Its part of their version of the game and a reflection of their insecurity. One of my friends did this to me after I met a girl in a club while she was there. She's one of the nicest people out there, she just had a weak moment. I noticed it because it was very obvious, yet it didn't sway me because I wasn't into her physically regardless.

My guess is this girl feels rejected after calling the poster a 9.5/10 and somehow not getting anything out of it. This girl might just be having a weak moment. She could also be the type who does this anyway just out of a huge ego, but that's something we won't know.

I have thought about it quite a few times. Both the ego thing and 'headache waiting to happen' thing. But I still want some closure. I can't not know what exactly she wants. Is there some chance? I must know! It's stupid but it's the way it goes :(

On the other hand, she could be using the guy as a tool to make you jealous. Inserting him in so you either "fight" him for her affection, or just to make you see she has other male friends. When she said you were a 9.5/10, how did you respond? If you said something like "oh, thanks" and just continued on your business, she could view that as a rejection.

There's an easy solution to this, man. You're worrying about her signals and whatever when you should actually be worrying about your OWN signals. Do you like her? If yes, tell her straight-up that you want to see her alone. If not, continue your business. Though its obvious from your thread that you like her.

Make moves based on you, not based on her.

In the past month, she has complemented me on my looks about 5 times. She also does this thing where she tells me like- 'Did you see? That girl was checking you out' etc.
I always react to these things with a smile and saying- 'Thanks, but I dont think I am that good looking.' and end the matter. I never say anything else. Did I overdo the 'I don't care' part?

I guess if this continues, I will straight up tell her that i want us t o be alone.
 

Femto.

Member
Not sure how to preface this, but here it goes.

At the age of sixteen (in 2009) I had vowed to myself that I was done playing games (the dating kind not the video game kind), and to no longer waste my time on somebody that has no intention of making it work. I became interested in stability, respect, loyalty, and consistency. Shortly after this declaration (a couple of weeks), a very close friend of mine at that time confessed her feelings for me. I had known her for a year at that point, shared mutual feelings, and thought that she was the real deal. The relationship lasted for four years and nine months, I had to terminate the relationship because I could no longer bear the pain from events that took place in 2010 and 2011. The girl I fell in love with was no longer the same girl I had to break up with earlier this year, we were in two different places, and I felt that I have outgrown her. After nearly a year and a half of trying to salvage our relationship, we knew that the undesirable outcome was inevitable. I'll always be grateful for the influence she has had on my life and for how much I have grown from that relationship. Without those experiences I don't think I'd be well off as I am now.

With that being said, I'm going to refer to my past again to provide more context to my current problem.

I transferred to a new high school for senior year (2010-2011), only because my ex girlfriend was home schooled when we started dating junior year and we decided to go to her local high school together for our senior year. First person I met at the new school was a girl who I will refer to as "Ay", and my ex will be "Dy". Ay and I met in an architecture class, after a day of the class I decided to drop it and swap for another elective because I found the teacher to be dull. Ay and I ran into each other a few times during the fall semester and would casually talk. Come spring semester (Jan 2011), Ay and I ended up having the same government class together.

Come early Mar 2011, Dy and I broke up for the first time (first out of the two break ups). This break up was devastating for me, and I was not handling it the way I normally would. I don't chase girls, but Dy was the first.

Late Mar 2011: In my government class a project was assigned to us that required groups of two, Ay and I sat next to each other so we chose each other by default. We would work on the project at Ay's home.

It was mid-semester at this point and I got to know Ay with the time spent at her house working on the project along with being in-class together. I realized that I liked her, not just as a crush but a genuine "like", which was something that threw me off. Because when Dy and I broke up senior year we were nearly two years together and I was deeply in love with Dy. Only reason as to why this came as a shock was because I'm picky (in terms of character, not looks. Obviously I have to be attracted to a the girl) when it comes to finding someone ideal as a romantic partner.

Prom was coming up and I heavily considered asking Ay if she wanted to go with me. However, by doing so that would have given Dy the green light to do as she pleases. Being as prideful as I was and confident that I would have her back, I foolishly denied myself the chance to move on from Dy. So I reserved myself. Ay not having a clue.

Post HS Graduation

Dy and I got back together mid summer 2011, and I stay in contact with Ay via text/social media. To be clear, our conversations were always friendly, casual, and not that often. I never pursued anything with Ay while being back with Dy because I'm not that type of guy. If I'm going to play around, which I won't, I wouldn't waste someone else's time.

Anyway, Ay and I only ran into each other twice on college campus, given that we attend the same institution, and that was as far as it went.

Now here is the real problem that I bring to you today, GAF:

Fast forward to Spring 2014, I've broken up with Dy and Ay texts me a couple of weeks after my break up, we catch up, and decide to meet up at the school's periodicals.
We met up twice that month, we casually talked and studied together. Nothing came after that, which I was fine with me because I had just ended a long term relationship that wasn't easy for me to do.

Now the snowball begins to fall down the mountain, come mid August (the 18th) Ay texts me telling me that she was reading a novel that made references to psychology (my major) and thought of me. Within that same greeting text she asks what my schedule for fall semester will be like, so I assume that she wants to see me. Which was a correct assumption, from this point until Sept 28 we texted almost every day. Within that time frame we saw each other four times, and this time off campus. Things were moving slow and I was okay with that.

The last time we've talked or seen each other was September 28th when I took her out to a hockey game. At this point it had been over a month (42 days) and I got to know more about Ay. Also, I disclosed information about me to her that I normally wouldn't because she made me feel that comfortable. I had grown to like her even more than before, and I felt a similar feeling that I had for Dy in 2009.

The day we went out for the hockey game/lunch went great, and on our way back home I decided that I should say something because I could no longer hold it in. I had no specific desired outcome, I just needed to say it and for the first time I felt confident enough to be straight forward with a girl. (I was really timid in HS)

I began to express myself to her, I could already tell that she didn't feel mutual, but I continued anyway. She respectfully listened as I parked my car outside of her house, I confessed to her that I wanted to take her out to prom, and she replies in shock saying that she went alone along with having no idea that I was (or would be) into her back then. I told her right after that I once passed up an opportunity with her and that I didn't want to do it again. She also giggled at some of the compliments I gave her while expressing myself, such as that she was pretty, smart, etc. I told her the important reasons why I liked her and the superficial ones (similar interests, physical attractions, etc). Also saying "wow" (not in a sarcastic tone) after certain statements, such as not wanting to pass up an opportunity with her again.

After my somewhat sloppy declaration she spoke, prefacing with that she isn't trying to undermine my feelings, but she felt that we were barely building a friendship at that point. I replied with telling her that I felt the same way, telling her that it only makes me believe that my feelings for her are legitimate since it's been so innocent between her and I. (No moves have been made, is what I mean by innocent,) She then continued to disclose that she has a hard time expressing herself and that she doesn't develop feelings so hastily. Adding that whenever she does develop feelings she fears of becoming too needy or she begins to doubt herself. Also, that she had just gotten over a "all guys are stupid" phase. Telling me that the past two years hasn't been that great for her (I believed her since she has told me about previous dates/boyfriends, she has not had the best luck with her choice of men.) and by stating that she has never had a serious relationship before. Then she proceeds to tell me that she doesn't like to feel cornered, as in a guy pushing her to make it official, PDA, and things along that line. She also said that she would rather want someone than need someone, and that she was just trying to focus on doing her for now. I told her that I agree on both statements, but I didn't want to let this up once again. I did not want to repeat the same mistake I made three and a half years ago.

Wrapping up, I told her that I understand where she was coming from and that I didn't feel undermined. I let her know that I wanted to respect her boundaries and that if "this" went anywhere beyond this point that I'd hoped she'd find it in herself to trust me. Since she disclosed some information of her past relationships I did the same, trying to make her feel that I too have been hurt. Lastly, I told her that I don't play games, that I'm not the type of guy to see multiple people, and that I don't agree with the dating patterns that our generation condones. I then tell her that we (men) are not all jerks.

Ending our talk, we get out of the car and she approaches me for a hug as per usual, but this time a longer one. She says "I had a great time tonight". I reply, "Me too, obviously", she giggles. Then she wishes me good night and I do the same. We haven't talked since and tomorrow will be a month of this silence.

I did not approach her afterwards because I felt as if my hands were tied.

On one end, I want to go after her but I had no idea on how to follow up on this. I didn't think it this far through, I was going based off of my intuition and gut feeling. I also didn't want her to think that I was just an act, wanting to have her believe what I said to her that night was true.

On the other end, I wanted to keep my word when I told her that I respected her space and her pace of things. I didn't want to be another one of the guys that "corners" her. I unloaded a lot on her that night and I'm not sure if it overwhelmed her. She said she has a hard time being expressive, and I hard time reading her that night. I couldn't get anything solid out of her. So I froze, I had no idea what to do.

I talked to a sibling and a co-worker about this and they both advised that I'd wait for her to get back to me, because to them the ball was in her court, so to speak. This month of silence has left me with more questions than answers. If Ay wasn't romantically interested in me, then why did she approach me the way she did back in August? Is she the one that's playing games and knowing that I'm not all about that, she backed off? I can handle rejection and the "friendzone" but being left in the dark like this is really bothersome.

I would usually consult these kinds of matters with Dy (when we were friends) or my best friend. However, he has moved to Seattle with his fiance and we never speak of these things over the phone, but he will be in town this weekend. So I was left to do this all on my own.

Yesterday, Ay posted a tweet saying "Tired of dudes being lil b words."
Yeah, it's not safe to assume that it has anything to do with me, but I have nothing to go off of right now. I may be only 21 but I'm too old to not know what's going on, and too old to be entertaining someone just for the hell of it.

Lecture/advise me, GAF.
 
Lecture/advise me, GAF.
Move on.

Give yourself some time to move on and find someone who can reciprocate your interest. You not talking to her since then would make me think that you had no further interest in continuing friendship after rejecting you, if I were her.

Maybe it will be weird between you from now on, or maybe you both need some time for it to stop being weird if you're both interested in being friends with each other. Sometimes, though, it's healthier (or necessary) to cut someone out from your life completely if the foundation of the friendship was corrupted or weak from the onset.

The ball isn't in anyone's court because there's no ambiguity about it. She may not have been a great friend if she hasn't initiated since then (or it got awkward for her), but it doesn't sound like you've contacted her since then, either.
 

Femto.

Member
Move on.

Give yourself some time to move on and find someone who can reciprocate your interest. You not talking to her since then would make me think that you had no further interest in continuing friendship after rejecting you, if I were her.

Maybe it will be weird between you from now on, or maybe you both need some time for it to stop being weird if you're both interested in being friends with each other. Sometimes, though, it's healthier (or necessary) to cut someone out from your life completely if the foundation of the friendship was corrupted or weak from the onset.

The ball isn't in anyone's court because there's no ambiguity about it. She may not have been a great friend if she hasn't initiated since then (or it got awkward for her), but it doesn't sound like you've contacted her since then, either.

I haven't contacted her since because of my incompetence to do so, I had no follow up. How does someone approach that? This is was has kept me from contacting her again.

I tried to show that I was still interested that night regardless of the outcome and I'd want to follow up if she allowed it. Problem is, I don't know how. Yes, it may be too late but I wouldn't rule anything out. I wish it was weird because then I would at least know where we stand on the situation.
 
I haven't contacted her since because of my incompetence to do so, I had no follow up. How does someone approach that? This is was has kept me from contacting her again.

I tried to show that regardless of the outcome that night that I'd want to follow up if she allowed it. Problem is, I don't know how. Yes, it may be too late but I wouldn't rule anything out. I wish it was weird because then I would at least know where we stand on the situation.
You don't need to have a formal follow up. Just say hello. Talk. Say the usual stuff. You said your piece, and she gave her response. It's only as weird as you make it from now on. But if you find that you cannot continue being friends with her without you sitting there holding out hope for more, then it wouldn't be healthy.
 

Femto.

Member
You don't need to have a formal follow up. Just say hello. Talk. Say the usual stuff. You said your piece, and she gave her response. It's only as weird as you make it from now on. But if you find that you cannot continue being friends with her without you sitting there holding out hope for more, then it wouldn't be healthy.

After how long it's been, would I have to apologize for the silence? I'd like to continue the friendship but my concern is that she may consider everything I do from there on out is with the intention of "making us happen", obviously that's my desire but I don't know what she would consider as pushy. However, she never ruled out the possibility of progressing during the discussion nor did she say that it would be best to just stop.
 

Gromph

This tag is currently undergoing scheduled maintenance...
Staff Member
I haven't contacted her since because of my incompetence to do so, I had no follow up. How does someone approach that? This is was has kept me from contacting her again.

I tried to show that I was still interested that night regardless of the outcome and I'd want to follow up if she allowed it. Problem is, I don't know how. Yes, it may be too late but I wouldn't rule anything out. I wish it was weird because then I would at least know where we stand on the situation.

That's the most easy question to answer

"Hello, I was writing a post and it reminded me of you" like the book :)

Or just Hello
 
After how long it's been, would I have to apologize for the silence? I'd like to continue the friendship but my concern is that she may consider everything I do from there on out is with the intention of "making us happen", obviously that's my desire but I don't know what she would consider as pushy. However, she never ruled out the possibility of progressing during the discussion nor did she say that it would be best to just stop.
Anything would be better than maintaining the silence. Say what needs to be said. If you feel that you should apologize because you were afraid that you had scared her off and that she didn't want to be your friend anymore after that, then let her know. But stopping treating her like a friend like you are right now will do your friendship no favors. Only she knows what she wants to do with the relationship, but you'll never know unless you actually talk to her. And if you find that the desire to take it further never dissipates after that, it might be better to either find someone else or take a break from her.
 

stn

Member
Not sure how to preface this, but here it goes.

I talked to a sibling and a co-worker about this and they both advised that I'd wait for her to get back to me, because to them the ball was in her court, so to speak. This month of silence has left me with more questions than answers. If Ay wasn't romantically interested in me, then why did she approach me the way she did back in August?

I cut out most of your story since the quote would be huge. So, why did she approach you in August? Merely as a friend. Your first mistake was hanging out with her for so long and creating a friendship with her, the comfortable kind that includes zero physical attraction and flirting. The main rule when liking a girl is to make it clear immediately. Or, at least build a friendship based on flirting and subliminal sexual stuff. Your mistake was lingering around for so long.

Your next mistake involves all of your confessing. You came out of nowhere and hit her with a wall of feelings, all of which she did not reciprocate. She does not like you. All of the stuff she said, such as the fact that she is figuring herself out or whatever, is bullshit. It always is. People will say all kinds of stuff when all they really want to say is "NO". If she liked you she would have jumped on you after being given the opportunity.

The most important rule when trying to date some girl for the first time is to keep it short, sweet, and fun. And that goes for asking her out, talking to her, and everything else. There should be NO existence of feelings and deep emotions before the first date. Finally, actions speak louder than words. I've been repeating this sentence frequently as of late and I will repeat it here. What someone says means nothing, all that counts is the end result. Someone can say you're amazing, cool, fun, and so forth, but it means shit if you aren't dating or banging that person.

What's the end result here? You guys aren't talking to one-another. Everything that happened before this outcome is irrelevant. Even looking at my own experiences, this rings true. I have never pursued a girl further after she cut contact with me. The girl didn't suddenly become too inept to use a phone.

The part I quoted is what I wanted you to see. Your co-workers and friends are smart, follow their advice. Ditch this girl and move on, unless she contacts you. DO NOT contact her again.

EDIT: If you end up ignoring my advice, at least don't ignore this part. Do not apologize to her for anything. Seriously. You apologize when you've done something wrong. Telling a girl you like her is not wrong. It was nothing more than a bad move, that's it. Make your mistakes but own them. People will admire this kind of confidence.



kittoo said:
In the past month, she has complemented me on my looks about 5 times. She also does this thing where she tells me like- 'Did you see? That girl was checking you out' etc.
I always react to these things with a smile and saying- 'Thanks, but I dont think I am that good looking.' and end the matter. I never say anything else. Did I overdo the 'I don't care' part?

I guess if this continues, I will straight up tell her that i want us t o be alone.
Dude, no. Do you like her? If yes, you will go tell her you want to be alone with her immediately. Don't wait for her to compliment you again, she might be tired of it now after doing it five times prior. Also, if she compliments you then accept it with a smile. Never express insecurity in such a way, nobody will be attracted to it. You don't have to be cocky, just be confident in yourself.
 

SeriousApes

Member
I'm trying to get back into the dating scene. Things are a little weird right now. I'm coming off a sorta long relationship, but that was officially done 2 months ago, so I think it's time to start moving on.

Anyway, I tried OKC and Tinder. I don't think I'm hot enough for Tinder, haha, but I did meet someone on OKC and we've become friends. She's pretty chill. We were both going through post-breakup shit. She said she has feelings for me, but I didn't think either of us were ready yet. I dunno, mainly I don't want to lose the friendship, so we'll see how that goes.

I started talking to this one girl from Tinder, and we set up a hookah date, but the first time we were supposed to meet, she overslept. Apparently she set her alarm to 6 am, instead of 6 pm. No big deal, she works nights and is also studying for the LSATs, so we rescheduled. The second time, I overslept! But, to be fair, we were going to meet at 8, but her parents came back from vacation and they wanted to do a family dinner thing, so it got pushed back to 10, then to 11. It was my Friday and I had been awake since 2 am, so I didn't make it. I passed out and she called me when she was at the place. Oh well, now we're even, I guess. So tonight was supposed to be attempt 3. But over the week, she didn't contact me or anything and I decided that I didn't feel like being the one always initiating, so I decided that if I didn't hear from her today, I'd consider it cancelled. I kinda lost interest in her anyway, so no worries.

I think it's time to start trying to meet people in the real world!
 

Femto.

Member
That's the most easy question to answer

"Hello, I was writing a post and it reminded me of you" like the book :)

Or just Hello

/dead

Anything would be better than maintaining the silence. Say what needs to be said. If you feel that you should apologize because you were afraid that you had scared her off and that she didn't want to be your friend anymore after that, then let her know. But stopping treating her like a friend like you are right now will do your friendship no favors. Only she knows what she wants to do with the relationship, but you'll never know unless you actually talk to her. And if you find that the desire to take it further never dissipates after that, it might be better to either find someone else or take a break from her.

That's what I'm currently looking for, a solid affirmation of "what happens now?". Whether it concludes or continues doesn't matter, I obviously have a preference for the outcome but I want an outcome, nonetheless.

I'll admit, I have difficult time wording these thoughts over text. I prefer in person but there is no way that could happen.

Honestly, I thought she was probably taking a break from me, but I'm not so sure anymore. Only reason why I thought that was because she has texted me every time we went out, except the last time. Obviously.

Edit:
I cut out most of your story since the quote would be huge. So, why did she approach you in August? Merely as a friend. Your first mistake was hanging out with her for so long and creating a friendship with her, the comfortable kind that includes zero physical attraction and flirting. The main rule when liking a girl is to make it clear immediately. Or, at least build a friendship based on flirting and subliminal sexual stuff. Your mistake was lingering around for so long.

Your next mistake involves all of your confessing. You came out of nowhere and hit her with a wall of feelings, all of which she did not reciprocate. She does not like you. All of the stuff she said, such as the fact that she is figuring herself out or whatever, is bullshit. It always is. People will say all kinds of stuff when all they really want to say is "NO". If she liked you she would have jumped on you after being given the opportunity.

The most important rule when trying to date some girl for the first time is to keep it short, sweet, and fun. And that goes for asking her out, talking to her, and everything else. There should be NO existence of feelings and deep emotions before the first date. Finally, actions speak louder than words. I've been repeating this sentence frequently as of late and I will repeat it here. What someone says means nothing, all that counts is the end result. Someone can say you're amazing, cool, fun, and so forth, but it means shit if you aren't dating or banging that person.

What's the end result here? You guys aren't talking to one-another. Everything that happened before this outcome is irrelevant. Even looking at my own experiences, this rings true. I have never pursued a girl further after she cut contact with me. The girl didn't suddenly become too inept to use a phone.

The part I quoted is what I wanted you to see. Your co-workers and friends are smart, follow their advice. Ditch this girl and move on, unless she contacts you. DO NOT contact her again.

EDIT: If you end up ignoring my advice, at least don't ignore this part. Do not apologize to her for anything. Seriously. You apologize when you've done something wrong. Telling a girl you like her is not wrong. It was nothing more than a bad move, that's it. Make your mistakes but own them. People will admire this kind of confidence.

One half has me thinking this way, and the other has me doubting myself. I have always played the part of not contacting a girl after being cut off in the past (high school), and it has always worked. They come back, only reason I doubt myself now is because of b**tching out before on her.

As for the bolded part, I didn't pursue her this way because I know how she is. She hates PDA and is the kind of girl that downplays being hit on. Also, she likes to take things slow, that's one of the first things she told me when we went out for a cup a coffee. We were talking about deal breakers/relationship stuff. A fault I admit will be that I was way too late on the complementing part. I seriously just freeze up when it comes to her, I hate it. But it means I actually like her.

As for the part saying what she said was BS, yeah I thought of that too many times since. I don't understand why people can't own up and be honest. I can take a no, seriously. Also, did I really have no other choice but to confess? I was out of the "game" for five years.

How would you handle this? It's obviously not irreversible, and I hate being all talk. Problem is, I am stumped right now. My mistake was, as you said, I didn't handle this the right way from the get go.
 

nullset2

Junior Member
I don't know, i feel unwanted as fuck. I log on to this dating site i'm on and there hasn't even been a single visitor in a day. And last time i was out with my friends at the bar, my friend (the extroverted fuck that he is) got lucky and my drunken, bitter response was to go full asshole-mode.

Blergh :(

Fail with people a thousand times until you stop giving a fuck, you'll evolve over time and hopefully that'll change the situation.

Believe me, I was in your same boat, but that fixed it. Just keep hacking at it. Talk to a million women in a million ways.
 

Mr Swine

Banned
Do you guys even bother writing to people that basically say that they only give you ONE chance to impress them? Lots of profiles say that :/
 

Neoxon

Junior Member
Here's the whole story.

I met this Greek girl on the bus to my class. We got along pretty well & she invited me to go to some salsa dancing event followed by us exchanging numbers. I went to the event but I had to leave early due to an unforseen conflict. Before & after the event, we were texting. On Sunday, I asked if she wanted to meet up for lunch & she agreed. I just want Wednesday to go well.
 

Gromph

This tag is currently undergoing scheduled maintenance...
Staff Member
Here's the whole story.

I met this Greek girl on the bus to my class. We got along pretty well & she invited me to go to some salsa dancing event followed by us exchanging numbers. I went to the event but I had to leave early due to an unforseen conflict. Before & after the event, we were texting. On Sunday, I asked if she wanted to meet up for lunch & she agreed. I just want Wednesday to go well.

Then make it go well.

Don't get nothing planned as conversation, just talk of whatever you guys feel confortable.
 
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