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Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.

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Jokab

Member
In all social situations I've become aware of how I hold my arms, and especially so on dates. Crossing your arms sends signals to the other person's subconscious that you're reserved. Having an open posture is generally a sign of interest, so make sure to advertise that fact by minding for example your arms and how you lean.
 

Ray Wonder

Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
Girl says she has a list, a list that's extremely important to her.

On that list, one of the most important things is to not be in a relationship. Said that no matter what I would've done, or how smooth, or perfect I was she wasn't going to get in a relationship with me. She wants to focus on herself. She said she tried to force herself to be with me because she knows I'm a great guy, but then said she was making a mistake by doing that. So we stopped talking.

TBH it sounds like BS to me just to let me down easy, because she says she cares about my feelings, blekh. What do you guys think?

Not that it even matters, considering thinking either way doesn't change anything.
 

Miroku129

Member
Read a passage in Mark Manson's Models that immediately resonated with me called "Finding Your Truth". In my case, figuring out why I crave validation from everyone and bend over backwards to please everyone and why I hate myself so much, and need external validation especially from women to try and convince myself why I'm not a shitty human being. I cringe at my post from last night, and at myself for failing to connect with people in a meaningful sense for so long. Acquaintances from university have completely forgotten that I even exist, for instance.

I need to buy that book like asap
 
Also I don't think being desperate is my problem, my problem is that I've never approached someone before, I got used to it for a long time but now I don't want to be used to it. I want to get over my shyness and fear of talking to people more than anything, this is really my top aim here.

even if the relationship is just friendly that's good for me.

If you're specifically targeting single women, you're desperate.

You can't force relationships. You can improve the odds, but at the end of the day it's about being happy with yourself and a good person.
 

Kurtofan

Member
Getting over your shyness is a good goal, but going to the park to talk to people seems like a bad way to deal with it. Approaching people in a setting like that is very hard, and unless you're hot they might think you come off as creepy.

You should consider taking up a new hobby where you meet a lot of new people. Dance lessons, yoga, some sport, whatever. Go to speeddating events. Do things that force you to talk to other people.

I'm doing yoga and chess at the moment, I'm trying out theater next week (if there's still room, otherwise I may take dance lessons instead). A friend told me about a website that that's kind of like online dating, except in a friends context, I'm interested in this.

Speedating is something that interests me a lot actually, but I'm kind of scared, I've never been on real dates.
 
Girl says she has a list, a list that's extremely important to her.

On that list, one of the most important things is to not be in a relationship. Said that no matter what I would've done, or how smooth, or perfect I was she wasn't going to get in a relationship with me. She wants to focus on herself. She said she tried to force herself to be with me because she knows I'm a great guy, but then said she was making a mistake by doing that. So we stopped talking.

TBH it sounds like BS to me just to let me down easy, because she says she cares about my feelings, blekh. What do you guys think?

Not that it even matters, considering thinking either way doesn't change anything.

Who cares? The only thing to learn from those is that you don't need to know why. It could be à lot of things but considering how it turned out, you shouldn't be wasting any mental energy on trying to figure out a why.
 
Here's a discussion I figured I would start in here, as opposed to making a new thread.

Looking back through facebook timelines of friends, I noticed a few of my friends were never single. Like they'd break up with one long-term GF, and then seemingly immediately be in another relationship. Almost as if they were "snapped up". If someone tends to be single for long periods of time (and is actively wanting/seeking companionship during those periods), does that mean they're less desirable? And, on the flip side, if one is constantly in relationships, entering new ones shortly after, can one assume they're a more desirable person overall? Or can all of that be chalked up to their dating skills?

Sorry if that seems like a really obvious point of discussion.

I have had the same thoughts. It's unbelievable just how many people you hear have broke up with somebody, then immediately there is interest from another person. It is exactly as you say, it is as if they are 'snapped up' quickly because everyone knows they are of value.

Meanwhile, I am perpetually on the shelf. A friend said I would be suitable for the series 'The Undateables', which only made me feel worse. I never wanted to be like this.

The situation is hopeless. You can imagine any one person thinking about any other guy or girl they know of, and wondering who they're dating or fucking at that moment, but if they thought of you, they'd know with 100 percent certainty that you're alone and doing precisely nothing. So therefore you have no value. None.
 
So, actual Dating-Age question:

I've been seeing my girlfriend for almost three months now. Her mother and stepfather are visiting this weekend, and after an initial hiccup, where I didn't know I was invited to a family event, I've cleared my Saturday evening and Sunday to spend time with them.

The mother speaks Portuguese, and I've been learning but can't hold a conversation to save my life; I assume she speaks some English. I know the stepfather does too. So I'm not too worried about the language barrier.

Should I bring them a gift? If so, what? How should I treat my girlfriend in front of them? We're generally very affectionate, but I don't know how it'll be with her folks there. Any other pitfalls or crazy "meet the parents" stories we can learn from?
 
So, actual Dating-Age question:

I've been seeing my girlfriend for almost three months now. Her mother and stepfather are visiting this weekend, and after an initial hiccup, where I didn't know I was invited to a family event, I've cleared my Saturday evening and Sunday to spend time with them.

The mother speaks Portuguese, and I've been learning but can't hold a conversation to save my life; I assume she speaks some English. I know the stepfather does too. So I'm not too worried about the language barrier.

Should I bring them a gift? If so, what? How should I treat my girlfriend in front of them? We're generally very affectionate, but I don't know how it'll be with her folks there. Any other pitfalls or crazy "meet the parents" stories we can learn from?

Depends really, ask you girlfriend what they like? Usually a nice bottle of wine will do the trick. When I first met my girlfriend's parents, I knew her Dad liked whiskey so I got him a bottle of Johnny walker and her mom a nice white. They loved it and my girlfriend said afterwards that they were happy about how thoughtful I was.

Its nice that you're trying to learn the language though. I feel if they are at all reasonable they will appreciate at least trying to speak/learn it, even if you sound silly ;)
 
Yeah, a bottle of wine is usually a safe gift that will earn you some quick brownie points. If you don't know anything more about their tastes, I'd go with that.
 

Aiustis

Member
How much of your life should you have together before dating? Like I can't drive and live in a place where it's kind of a must.
 
How much of your life should you have together before dating? Like I can't drive and live in a place where it's kind of a must.

It's one thing to not have everything together before you start dating. Driving's rather minor and easily correctable. What's stopping you from learning?

It's entirely another thing, however -- and we've seen evidence in this thread -- of people who expect that finding a partner will magically solve every other problem in their life or finally make them happy. Life doesn't work that way.

If driving's your hurdle, go for it. And have someone teach you.
 

norm9

Member
How much of your life should you have together before dating? Like I can't drive and live in a place where it's kind of a must.

Not being able to drive is fine. Suffering from depression without any direction to get out of it is not fine.
 

WolfeTone

Member
Yeah man I've met a few of these! They are fun! You not in China right? She probably just wants to learn a few things and have some life experiences, treat her well and be honest with her and give her those experiences.

Nope not in China but Vancouver has a pretty large Chinese population. Tantan is a little slow compared to things like Tinder but seems to catch a pretty different demographic, more recent immigrants as opposed to the first/second generation girls.

I'll see her again if the feeling is mutual. I'd even settle for having a new jogging partner.
 

Aiustis

Member
I only have one friend with a car and it's not one that's safe. I'm learning off a family member, but they live far away and schedule conflicts prevent meeting up.

I'm depressed but not functionally so and I'm not really looking for dating to fix anything. I just don't want to be stuck and an asocial shut in. I can see that happening.

I've been single for 3 months and while I'm not over the ex, I'm certainly doing myself no favors by sitting around pining especially since I've been getting a lot of messages on Tinder.
 
So I asked this girl out a month ago and she turned me down. Then fast forward to now she seems to be acting uhh flirty around me... Though from when I previously talked to her she seemed to be the kind of person that laments her ex and kind of wants to make them feel bad... I really like her and want to start a meaningful relationship but I'm afraid that if I date her now I'll just be an emotional blanket and just somebody that she can use to make her ex jealous... I'm honestly not sure if that was me just being negative or is real but even if this is true would dating her now and work with the little opening that I do have to start a meaningful relationship with her be a smart idea? Or would it be wishful thinking?
 

WolfeTone

Member
So I asked this girl out a month ago and she turned me down. Then fast forward to now she seems to be acting uhh flirty around me... Though from when I previously talked to her she seemed to be the kind of person that laments her ex and kind of wants to make them feel bad... I really like her and want to start a meaningful relationship but I'm afraid that if I date her now I'll just be an emotional blanket and just somebody that she can use to make her ex jealous... I'm honestly not sure if that was me just being negative or is real but even if this is true would dating her now and work with the little opening that I do have to start a meaningful relationship with her be a smart idea? Or would it be wishful thinking?

What makes you think that she just wants to make her ex jealous?

If this is what you're feeling now why do you want to pursue something with her? It sounds like these issues would only get worse if you were dating her. You would be worrying that she's only using you to make her ex jealous. To me it seems that you'd have a strong possibility of getting your feelings hurt by trying to have something meaningful with her.
 

Jhoan

Member
It sucks getting rejected in cases like this, but if she really did reject you because of your job or whatever she is doing you a favor. Your job/source of income is definitely going to be important to many women, but plenty don't care if you're rich or do something outside of the typical 9-5 stuff.

I teach English in Asia now and many girls on online sites outright stop replying to me when they learn what I do. The field carries a certain stigma with it (i.e. backpackers who make shit money and just want to travel for a few years), but my particular position is quite good and not the sort of thing that anyone can get easily.

Yet there are just as many women (in fact, many more women, even those my age or older) who don't care or don't jump to conclusions, and I'd rather date girls like that anyway.
I definitely agree seeing as in the end of the day, it's a trial by fire affair to meet those kind of girls. Gotta go through the muck before finding the diamonds in the rough. In my position, it would be incredibly difficult to explain to someone that my income is essentially tied into my mom's income so I don't bring it up at all since I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing that all. Hence why I refer to doing freelance work/these internships as my front. Teaching English in Asia or joining the Peace Corps is something I'm considering doing if I'm not content where I am next year.

I actually met a girl that I hit it off with while volunteering at an event this weekend who's in a similar point as me (college grad between jobs figuring stuff out) but I forgot her name and didn't leave with her yesterday to exchange numbers. A friend of mines who I ran into yesterday said that he met his gal pal while reading comics in a book store so it was interesting.

I'm about ready to take another temporary break from online dating until the summer. In my drunken stupor on Saturday, I went on an online dating messaging spree including asking one girl out who unmatched me on Bumble and another who responded quickly on OKC before I passed out but declined my invitation to meet up so that was that. I think online dating has made me rather jaded and cynical especially since the last time I hit it off well on a date with someone was in August.

The girl I was supposed to meet up with today has been flaky but suggested meeting up tomorrow since she has no classes but I had to decline because I'm slated to meet up with another girl tomorrow night. I'm thinking about cutting her loose since it seems like it's been a hassle to meet up with her what with her having classes in the evening. On the flipside, I got an unsolicited message and a few replies on OKC.
 

Valhelm

contribute something
I went on a couple dates with this amazing, beautiful girl, but she told me that she doesn't want a relationship and only wants me for casual hookups. It's fucking miserable.

How can I bounce back from letdowns like this? I really thought we could have a future.
 

Cudder

Member
I went on a couple dates with this amazing, beautiful girl, but she told me that she doesn't want a relationship and only wants me for casual hookups. It's fucking miserable.

How can I bounce back from letdowns like this? I really thought we could have a future.
Stop picturing your life with a girl you only went out with twice.
 

Ray Wonder

Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
Who cares? The only thing to learn from those is that you don't need to know why. It could be à lot of things but considering how it turned out, you shouldn't be wasting any mental energy on trying to figure out a why.

She hit me back up and said she thinks she made a mistake.

😑😫
 
So I asked this girl out a month ago and she turned me down. Then fast forward to now she seems to be acting uhh flirty around me... Though from when I previously talked to her she seemed to be the kind of person that laments her ex and kind of wants to make them feel bad... I really like her and want to start a meaningful relationship but I'm afraid that if I date her now I'll just be an emotional blanket and just somebody that she can use to make her ex jealous... I'm honestly not sure if that was me just being negative or is real but even if this is true would dating her now and work with the little opening that I do have to start a meaningful relationship with her be a smart idea? Or would it be wishful thinking?

She turned you down a month ago and you've kept in touch and still really like her?

Did her rejecting you count for nothing? Does the fact that she's very likely using how you feel about her to make her feel good about herself not bother you? That you're merely just something she can use and then throw away when someone, nay, anyone, better comes along?
 
After two dates? That's not healthy thinking.
Like I said, it always depends on how seriously you take your thoughts. I love doing this and, to some degree, I don't think it's possible to not have romantic future thoughts about a girl you really dig. I mean, come on... We all lie in bed and think about that shit before we fall asleep. You wanna tell me you don't? Get outta here.
 
Like I said, it always depends on how seriously you take your thoughts. I love doing this and, to some degree, I don't think it's possible to not have romantic future thoughts about a girl you really dig. I mean, come on... We all lie in bed and think about that shit before we fall asleep. You wanna tell me you don't? Get outta here.

Not after two dates, because when I was dating, I wasn't just seeing one person so I didn't invest so much into anyone. That's really a level of investment that should be reserved for when you know this person is the one you want to date exclusively.
 
I went on a couple dates with this amazing, beautiful girl, but she told me that she doesn't want a relationship and only wants me for casual hookups. It's fucking miserable.

How can I bounce back from letdowns like this? I really thought we could have a future.

Enjoy being used for casual hookups while you continue to look elsewhere.
 
If you genuinely like the girl beyond sex and want to make it more serious when she doesn't, it shouldn't be too hard to understand. They want different things.

And the poster can either break things off and look for someone else or enjoy the casual hookups while still looking for something else.

The only negative here is the poster's over investment after just two dates. You barely know someone after two dates, to be thinking about a future with someone after that length of time isn't healthy.
 

Miroku129

Member
So dating GAF, I meet a nice girl on tinder and ask her for a date for this Sunday. She agreed for the good ol coffee n' talk.

I should keep talking to her on Whatsapp running out of conversation topics until the sunday or don't talk to her, with the possibility of she getting bored and go away?
 

gwailo

Banned
I would think it's ok to send a few messages here and there, it shows you're interested. But keep it to a minimum and leave the deep conversation for the actual date. Also you should be getting her actual phone number and moving off of apps.
 
I would think it's ok to send a few messages here and there, it shows you're interested. But keep it to a minimum and leave the deep conversation for the actual date. Also you should be getting her actual phone number and moving off of apps.

Covered all the bases.

Get that number the next time you talk to her.
 

Salamando

Member
I would think it's ok to send a few messages here and there, it shows you're interested. But keep it to a minimum and leave the deep conversation for the actual date. Also you should be getting her actual phone number and moving off of apps.

What's the advantage to getting her number when you're already chatting via a messaging app? If they were chatting via Tinder or OKC still, then yeah, get off that. Whether he gets the number or not, he's still capable of spending messages directly to her phone.
 
What's the advantage to getting her number when you're already chatting via a messaging app? If they were chatting via Tinder or OKC still, then yeah, get off that. Whether he gets the number or not, he's still capable of spending messages directly to her phone.

You have a direct line to their phone and it's less likely they'll flake on you? Of course they still could, but the likelihood of it tends to go down if you have contact details.
 

Salamando

Member
You have a direct line to their phone and it's less likely they'll flake on you? Of course they still could, but the likelihood of it tends to go down if you have contact details.

If anything I'd think it would be the opposite, that a girl would be more likely to follow-through if they knew they could ghost or otherwise block a creep-ass with minimal difficulty. If it came down to it, changing your WhatsApp name is much easier than changing your number.

And WhatsApp in particular is still mostly direct.
 
If anything I'd think it would be the opposite, that a girl would be more likely to follow-through if they knew they could ghost or otherwise block a creep-ass with minimal difficulty. If it came down to it, changing your WhatsApp name is much easier than changing your number.

And WhatsApp in particular is still mostly direct.

Personal experience says if someone isn't forthcoming with off site contact details, they will flake.

WhatApp works by giving out your number. You might be thinking about KiK.
 

Newlove

Member
Seen someone from my workplace on a dating site (wearing the lanyard). Don't recognise her from my campus. Very tempted to message however I don't want to be in that awkward spot on staff development days where all campus staff converge and she recognises me as that creepy guy who attempted to message her and was awkwardly ignored. I may be over thinking it though.
 
Seen someone from my workplace on a dating site (wearing the lanyard). Don't recognise her from my campus. Very tempted to message however I don't want to be in that awkward spot on staff development days where all campus staff converge and she recognises me as that creepy guy who attempted to message her and was awkwardly ignored. I may be over thinking it though.

You are. Shoot over a message, if she responds, she responds.

I mean, why would she ever find you creepy for messaging her on the dating site? You going to send some stupid shit?
 

Salamando

Member
Personal experience says if someone isn't forthcoming with off site contact details, they will flake.

WhatApp works by giving out your number. You might be thinking about KiK.

Right, my mistake.

My personal experience has been the opposite. No one's ever no-showed, but only girls whose number I've gotten have ghosted after the date was setup but before the date occurred. So, *shrug*

Seen someone from my workplace on a dating site (wearing the lanyard). Don't recognise her from my campus. Very tempted to message however I don't want to be in that awkward spot on staff development days where all campus staff converge and she recognises me as that creepy guy who attempted to message her and was awkwardly ignored. I may be over thinking it though.

You're overthinking it.
 

bluethree

Member
Personal experience says if someone isn't forthcoming with off site contact details, they will flake.

WhatApp works by giving out your number. You might be thinking about KiK.

Yes. Had a tourist on tinder do this once. Refused to give out off-site details, and stopped replying while working out the details of a meet (part of the reason I don't like dealing with tourists on that site even though I don't mind the idea of a casual fling).

Not giving off site details is a huge red flag that they don't want to meet you. I like using LINE in Asia because you don't have to give out your number or anything - so if a woman isn't giving me her LINE name early on, then it's a waste of time. I had this seemingly really cool girl stop replying after I suggested moving off site yesterday actually. Oh well.
 
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