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Is it wrong to tell a SO you need more from the relationship before marriage?

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Doodis

Member
Having been married for 13 years, I can tell you that marriage does not magically make your relationship better. If you've broken up a dozen times in three years, and she's not giving you what you feel you need, bail out now. Your chances of lasting through a lifetime of marriage are...not good.
 

studyguy

Member




Have you not lived with this person before, OP?
Sounds absolutely sketchy.
 

Seirith

Member
By that I mean, I need to feel more loved and wanted, and to desire more stability in the relationship. Is it wrong to ask someone this and hope that things can get better or should you just not be in such a relationship to begin with.

Long story short, I have been with my girl for about 3 years and our relationship has been very up and down. We have broken up probably a dozen times, mostly because she never knew what she wanted. She was in, she was out, she loved me, she hated me, she wanted space, she wanted me back. Surely a lot of this is my fault for even going back and allowing someone to treat me like a fucking yo-yo but it is what it is and its in the past. Now fast forward to year 3 and after her getting some therapy and an extended break up she tells me that she wants to get married, that's she ready to move the relationship forward. And I told her that I actually was not ready for that, that I need to see some stability long-term before we take that step. I offered to move in with her and work on building toward marriage, but she will not hear a word of it.

She wants to get married NOW and she has "nothing more to give" in terms of showing her love and affection for me. I suppose after writing this all out that there are a ton of red flags here and I do believe that I am representing things fairly accurately. I guess my question to you guys is this, is it not fair that I ask my SO to consider what my wants and needs are before marriage. If there are things lacking in our relationship, is it permissible for me to point those things out and ask her to work on them or am I being totally unfair to her and asking her to be someone she is not. Thanks

I agree with premarital counseling and do NOT move in with her or get married until YOU are happy.

What exactly do you want from her? You said more love, to feel wanted and stability but what can she do and what do you want her to do to feel more loved and wanted? Do you want to see her more? have sex more? Have her more interested when you are together? hold hands more? What is she doing now, that is making you feel unloved and unwanted?

For example, my husband and I have been together for 18 years now, we started dating when I was 14 and he was 18. When we first got together we were all over each other but now after many years together we don't have to be all over each other, walk holding hands and be mushy and I do not feel unloved or unwanted at all.

Also make sure you are being realistic and take into account who she is. Some people are very hugging lovely types and others are not. You cannot make her be someone she is not, but in the end you should both be happy.
 

zbarron

Member
I know it's easy to ignore forum advice since we don't know this person like you do, but seriously, it's obvious you know this is a mistake and are just feeling like the bad guy here, because that is how she is portraying it. Do not under any circumstance marry this woman until she shows she is ready to care for your needs.

You are setting yourself up for misery. She says she has nothing left to give? Bullshit. She can give you time to rebuld your trust. If she can handle that and treat you like an equal without any of this on again off again bullshit at that point you can consider it. Anything before this is a foolish mistake. I would understand just breaking up with her but if you want to give her a chance, go ahead, just nothing permanent.

She's bad news and you know it. You deserve better than how you're being treated.
 

Brazil

Living in the shadow of Amaz
This girl has fucked you up in the head so bad you're actually asking us if you're being selfish by wanting to be happy.
 

Elandyll

Banned
No.

Massive red flags.

If she won't move in with you for at least a year before talking engagement, she's just going through a Wedding fad, and not the actual idea of marriage (living with somebody day in and day out, compromising on a ton of things, with the goal of forming a family unit and possibly some day having children).
 

acohrs

Member
Do people even do couples counseling if they are not married or have kids? Also she does have a 4 yr old who I am like a father to. I adore her and it has made separating that much harder for me.

You may love the kid but it isn't yours so if anything happens, you don't have any legal rights... that sucks but should also be a warning sign that she has all the power and is why she told you her desire and plan and wants you to just go along with it
 
just reading the title I was going to be snarky and say "no you should bury that shit and just get into a marriage with some irreconcilable differences on what you need from a relationship because that way you'll be really happy"

This is a really stupid question, what's wrong with you?

my wife and I are going to be married for 6 years in a few weeks and we still have plenty to show regarding love and affection. if she's done and you aren't even engaged, how do you think this is going to work out?

I had more that I deleted because this situation seems really simple
 



Have you not lived with this person before, OP?
Sounds absolutely sketchy.

My gf, now wife sobbed and sulked that I wouldn't just propose and I stood firm. I wanted to live together first as you don't know someone till ya live with em. Now my parents didn't approve, and her parents didn't approve. But I basically said "tough shit". Cause they ain't the one giving up half if shit goes south.

So we lived together for a year and sure we had fights. But we made it work and it was great. Now we married.

But constant break ups and make ups and now needing stability with her going in another direction? Its time to stop wasting her time. Let her go. She not ready for marriage if she ain't know what she wants.

Sad thing is this experience will prolly turn her into a great wife for the next dude. But she crazy w/ you. If you ain't gonna wife her time to go.

Having been married for 13 years, I can tell you that marriage does not magically make your relationship better. If you've broken up a dozen times in three years, and she's not giving you what you feel you need, bail out now. Your chances of lasting through a lifetime of marriage are...not good.

For all that is good and sacred on this planet Earth listen to this shit right here!

A wedding ring isn't a magical talisman that fixes shit relationships.
 

JB1981

Member
She sounds completely irrational. She has nothing more to give after being in a really unstable relationship but wants to get married? Hell, she isn't even willing to live with you. What makes you think this will go any better if your married? I would tell her either we move in together and see how it goes or its over. If she says no to that, well that's your answer right there. If she isn't willing to work on problems in the relationship, then you guys have no business being in a relationship together let alone getting married.

This is exactly what I proposed. I said being that we have had a very unstable relationship, why don't I move in and we can work on things together. By moving in i would actually be added another 35 minutes to my already hour-long drive to work so it's not like i wouldn't be sacrificing anything for the relationship. She absolutely will not entertain the idea of me moving in because of her past experience living with BFs that didn't work out, the heartache of the break up and the fact that she has a daughter and doesn't want to hurt her further if we split up. I can see where she is coming from but I have been heavily involved in her daughters life since she was a 1 year old AND I would spend like 4-5 days a week at her house anyway
 
This is exactly what I proposed. I said being that we have had a very unstable relationship, why don't I move in and we can work on things together. By moving in i would actually be added another 35 minutes to my already hour-long drive to work so it's not like i wouldn't be sacrificing anything for the relationship. She absolutely will not entertain the idea of me moving in because of her past experience living with BFs that didn't work out, the heartache of the break up and the fact that she has a daughter and doesn't want to hurt her further if we split up. I can see where she is coming from but I have been heavily involved in her daughters life since she was a 1 year old AND I would spend like 4-5 days a week at her house anyway

That is so irrational I'm a bit dumbstruck. Divorce is infinitely more painful and all around awful for all involved than one person having to move out.
 
She wants to get married NOW and she has "nothing more to give" in terms of showing her love and affection for me.

This is the money quote for me and the reason why you should dodge this while you can.

I don't know any more of your situation and your SO than what you've said so maybe this isn't accurate, but when someone really really really wants to get married like this, a lot of times they look at marriage as the end goal, when in reality it's the beginning of the rest of your life. Your life doesn't end at marriage; in a lot of ways its only begun. To have this kind of *need* for marriage all of a sudden after all these ups and downs tells me that she thinks this is the "silver bullet", this is the thing you guys need to be stable and happy; in reality, marriage is something you do after you're *already* stable and happy, and you decide you want to keep that going for the rest of your life.

Also, if she really has "nothing more to give", how would she react down the line when times get tough? You gotta dig deeper than you ever thought sometimes, and if she feels like she's already at her limit, she won't bend to adversity, she'll break.

Sorry OP. That's just how it is.
 
My friends are getting divorced after about 18 months of marriage due to a similar issue. She wanted an open marriage and told him AFTER they got married, obviously he didnt. They just bought a big new house late last year too.
 

Westonian

Member
I've been married for 17 years. Marriage didn't make any part of our relationship better. You either love someone enough to make continual sacrifices for them or you don't. But that love has to go both ways, or it will breed resentment and bitterness from the other.

Based on what you've said, you'd be a fool to marry this girl. She is not the one for you.
 

Ralemont

not me
This is exactly what I proposed. I said being that we have had a very unstable relationship, why don't I move in and we can work on things together. By moving in i would actually be added another 35 minutes to my already hour-long drive to work so it's not like i wouldn't be sacrificing anything for the relationship. She absolutely will not entertain the idea of me moving in because of her past experience living with BFs that didn't work out, the heartache of the break up and the fact that she has a daughter and doesn't want to hurt her further if we split up. I can see where she is coming from but I have been heavily involved in her daughters life since she was a 1 year old AND I would spend like 4-5 days a week at her house anyway

Cut your losses, it does not sound like she understands how to build a good relationship or even what is required for one. Not because she's lived with boyfriends and it didn't work out, but because she thinks getting married and then living together will fix that issue.
 
This is exactly what I proposed. I said being that we have had a very unstable relationship, why don't I move in and we can work on things together. By moving in i would actually be added another 35 minutes to my already hour-long drive to work so it's not like i wouldn't be sacrificing anything for the relationship. She absolutely will not entertain the idea of me moving in because of her past experience living with BFs that didn't work out, the heartache of the break up and the fact that she has a daughter and doesn't want to hurt her further if we split up. I can see where she is coming from but I have been heavily involved in her daughters life since she was a 1 year old AND I would spend like 4-5 days a week at her house anyway

You're putting in the work with no end goal in site. Not one that will make you both happy anyway. It doesn't sound promising.
 
That's not how marriage works. She's wrong to try and force you into that decision when you have valid concerns about the relationship. If she can't recognize those concerns now, she certainly won't give any weight to your voice if you do get married and the relationship needs work.

If she won't or can't respect where you're coming from, there's no relationship to build a marriage on.
 

Risible

Member
I don't understand how someone could write that OP and then not read it back and immediately think "WTF am I thinking?!"
 

Beartruck

Member
Oh jeez shes a single mother too? Look forward to paying alimony if you get married and it doesnt work out (and it won't). Bail the fuck out like shes a german u-boat and you're on the lusitania.
 

Tanston

Member
If it's right you'll know it's right without asking random internet people. Too many red flags and if there's any doubts about the relationship then it's not the right time for marriage. In this scenario it sounds like marriage will only make the next break up more expensive.
 

shadowkat

Unconfirmed Member
No, it's not wrong. It's definitely something you should talk about before marriage. If the relationship is already troubled, marriage will not change that.
 

Meliora

Member
This is exactly what I proposed. I said being that we have had a very unstable relationship, why don't I move in and we can work on things together. By moving in i would actually be added another 35 minutes to my already hour-long drive to work so it's not like i wouldn't be sacrificing anything for the relationship. She absolutely will not entertain the idea of me moving in because of her past experience living with BFs that didn't work out, the heartache of the break up and the fact that she has a daughter and doesn't want to hurt her further if we split up. I can see where she is coming from but I have been heavily involved in her daughters life since she was a 1 year old AND I would spend like 4-5 days a week at her house anyway

I honestly don't see her point. Will you not be living together if you are married? If so, marriage is no guarantee that it wont end well and you will move out anyway. It will just be lot more complex and troublesome and worse for every part. Her reasons doesn't make any sense to me. Don't do it OP.
 
I honestly don't see her point. Will you not be living together if you are married? If so, marriage is no guarantee that it wont end well and you will move out anyway. It will just be lot more complex and troublesome and worse for every part. Her reasons doesn't make any sense to me. Don't do it OP.

Bingo

OP, why the fuck are you even entertaining this? The only way this relationship is going to end is badly.
 

JB1981

Member
This is the money quote for me and the reason why you should dodge this while you can.

I don't know any more of your situation and your SO than what you've said so maybe this isn't accurate, but when someone really really really wants to get married like this, a lot of times they look at marriage as the end goal, when in reality it's the beginning of the rest of your life. Your life doesn't end at marriage; in a lot of ways its only begun. To have this kind of *need* for marriage all of a sudden after all these ups and downs tells me that she thinks this is the "silver bullet", this is the thing you guys need to be stable and happy; in reality, marriage is something you do after you're *already* stable and happy, and you decide you want to keep that going for the rest of your life.

Also, if she really has "nothing more to give", how would she react down the line when times get tough? You gotta dig deeper than you ever thought sometimes, and if she feels like she's already at her limit, she won't bend to adversity, she'll break.

Sorry OP. That's just how it is.

Yea this speaks to exactly what I mean by "needing more" in the OP. I have been there for her through thick and thin. Through a very difficult child support battle with her ex and battles during mediation. She was so stressed out that she got Alopecia and lost all of her hair. I was the there for her the first day she decided to buzz off all her hair. I buzzed her hair for her and constantly reminded her how beautiful she looked. When she started wearing wigs, I took pics of her and told her how great the wigs looked on her. I bathed, fed, consoled and loved her child like she was mine. I got very close to her family and spent time with them constantly. When I say that she hasn't proven herself to me it's because I have never really felt truly valued or appreciated by her because she so routinely discarded me or broke up with me. She hit rock bottom several months ago when she swallowed a bottle of pills as her daughter slept. After she took the pills, she immediately called her mom and her mom raced by and forced her to throw up. She was then admitted to a psychiatric ward for a week with no access to any personal belongings or sharp items. We were on a long break at this point and this was after she said she wanted to marry me the first time but I told her I needed time to think about what is best for me.
 

HariKari

Member
I don't understand how someone could write that OP and then not read it back and immediately think "WTF am I thinking?!"

Sometimes it's easier to stay with the known rather than face the unknown, even if the known is batshit crazy I suppose.

Really, there's no reason for OP to have entertained this craziness for so long. Find someone that wants to be with you.
 

TheGrue

Member
Marriage is a partnership and you both need to feel stable with each other before you enter into it. Sounds like you don't feel stable and there's nothing wrong with living together to test the waters before you feel like taking the next step. If she flat out refuses, sounds like there's no sense in getting married.

Is it permissible to point those things out?

Permissible

OP, c'mon man.

 

Lebron

Member
Sounds like she thinks getting "married' will somehow fix the remaining issues she is struggling with. She doesn't care if you're not ready, she wants to get it done now. The marriage would be over in 1-3 years.

Bail out, bruh. It sucks, but she isn't the one to ride or die with.
 
Yea this speaks to exactly what I mean by "needing more" in the OP. I have been there for her through thick and thin. Through a very difficult child support battle with her ex and battles during mediation. She was so stressed out that she got Alopecia and lost all of her hair. I was the there for her the first day she decided to buzz off all her hair. I buzzed her hair for her and constantly reminded her how beautiful she looked. When she started wearing wigs, I took pics of her and told her how great the wigs looked on her. I bathed, fed, consoled and loved her child like she was mine. I got very close to her family and spent time with them constantly. When I say that she hasn't proven herself to me it's because I have never really felt truly valued or appreciated by her because she so routinely discarded me or broke up with me. She hit rock bottom several months ago when she swallowed a bottle of pills as her daughter slept. After she took the pills, she immediately called her mom and her mom raced by and forced her to throw up. She was then admitted to a psychiatric ward for a week with no access to any personal belongings or sharp items. We were on a long break at this point and this was after she said she wanted to marry me the first time but I told her I needed time to think about what is best for me.

Yeah, uh. Relationships are full of give and take. Sounds like you're a giver (which is fine, so am I) but you need her to give back as well. Ask yourself honestly if she would do the same if the roles were reversed. I feel like you already know the answer.
 

hamboner

Neo Member
Yea this speaks to exactly what I mean by "needing more" in the OP. I have been there for her through thick and thin. Through a very difficult child support battle with her ex and battles during mediation. She was so stressed out that she got Alopecia and lost all of her hair. I was the there for her the first day she decided to buzz off all her hair. I buzzed her hair for her and constantly reminded her how beautiful she looked. When she started wearing wigs, I took pics of her and told her how great the wigs looked on her. I bathed, fed, consoled and loved her child like she was mine. I got very close to her family and spent time with them constantly. When I say that she hasn't proven herself to me it's because I have never really felt truly valued or appreciated by her because she so routinely discarded me or broke up with me. She hit rock bottom several months ago when she swallowed a bottle of pills as her daughter slept. After she took the pills, she immediately called her mom and her mom raced by and forced her to throw up. She was then admitted to a psychiatric ward for a week with no access to any personal belongings or sharp items. We were on a long break at this point and this was after she said she wanted to marry me the first time but I told her I needed time to think about what is best for me.

Jesus. DO NOT MARRY THIS GIRL.

While your at it, strongly advise her mom to seek custody of her daughter.

Back on to the marriage bit, marriage is work for both parties. She's not willing to put in the work, it WILL end bitterly if you get hitched.
 

Avari

Member
I think the advice has generally been quite good. Do not enter a marriage where you are not satisfied your partner is prepared and committed. Marriage itself does not fix existing issues - partners needs to communicate and work at them. The sudden rush to get married is very suspicious - any chance she's pregnant?
 
I'm not detecting any unfairness from your statements and with your relationship history it makes sense. Don't rush into this or fall for an ultimatum.
 

platakul

Banned
You can probably evaluate your own behavior too (like are you meeting your partners needs? (Not necessarily hers but in general))
But you absolutely deserve a partner who gives you what you need, otherwise why fucking bother? Break up and do nooooot get married
Marriage only makes everything worse not better

Also don't bother with marriage counseling. People never change
 

FaintDeftone

Junior Member
If you think you're relationship is rocky now, just wait until you get married. As someone who's been married for 3 years, I can tell you that it's difficult and requires effort on both ends to really make it work. You're setting yourself up for disaster if you marry this girl. Ditch her and move on.
 

JB1981

Member
Sometimes it's easier to stay with the known rather than face the unknown, even if the known is batshit crazy I suppose.

Really, there's no reason for OP to have entertained this craziness for so long. Find someone that wants to be with you.

Why does she want to get married so urgently? It's not like I'm rich and can take care of all her problems? Don't you want to "get married" because you finally found someone you love? This feels like a "insert man here" thing to me
 
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