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Is it wrong to tell a SO you need more from the relationship before marriage?

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MrMephistoX

Member
Hate to say it but get a pregnancy test first and watch her do it just so you know she isn't trapping you with some other dudes kid.
 

Wads

Banned
I'd bail and bail fast. Understand the attachment to the child as a married father myself, but man every thing you have typed screams run for your life.

She clearly doesn't respect your feelings especially springing that on you with the circumstances why you were just on an extended break. Honestly, you probably should have been done after she yo-yo'd you over and over with the breakups. Certainly doesn't sound like you would end up happy in the long run...
 

jdstorm

Banned
I do love her and I would like to help her get better but even after her apparent suicide attempt it still hasn't registered for her just how unhealthy some of her habits are. The therapist she was seeing before the suicide attempt later referred her to a substance abuse counseler. She is still drinking wine every night. She now takes hits of weed in the basement pretty much every night before bed. And I can't point any of this out to her because she doesn't want to hear it. She doesn't think it's a big deal.

Instead of continuing to drink to excess (which she does often) and hitting the bowl, she should be exercising, changing her diet, getting a good nights sleep etc. If I say things like this she will basically roll her eyes. She can't hear me say things like this because all she hears from my mouth is I'M A PIECE OF SHIT. I'M A PIECE OF SHIT.

OP. Get out as fast as you can. Her self destructive habits arent your problem
thats comming from someone with a history of depression and addictive behaviour. She will succed or fail by her own choices and no amount of support good or bad will change that.

She needs a sponsor, not a BF and definitely not a husband. Stop sleeping with her and have the. I care about you but we should see other people conversation
 
I do love her and I would like to help her get better but even after her apparent suicide attempt it still hasn't registered for her just how unhealthy some of her habits are. The therapist she was seeing before the suicide attempt later referred her to a substance abuse counseler. She is still drinking wine every night. She now takes hits of weed in the basement pretty much every night before bed. And I can't point any of this out to her because she doesn't want to hear it. She doesn't think it's a big deal.

Instead of continuing to drink to excess (which she does often) and hitting the bowl, she should be exercising, changing her diet, getting a good nights sleep etc. If I say things like this she will basically roll her eyes. She can't hear me say things like this because all she hears from my mouth is I'M A PIECE OF SHIT. I'M A PIECE OF SHIT.

None of this sounds like you're in love with her. None of this sounds like you guys are compatible at all. If one of you is down to get blazed like every day and the other one isn't, it's probably not a good fit. And that's without the other issues.
 

K.Jack

Knowledge is power, guard it well
By that I mean, I need to feel more loved and wanted, and to desire more stability in the relationship. Is it wrong to ask someone this and hope that things can get better or should you just not be in such a relationship to begin with.

Long story short, I have been with my girl for about 3 years and our relationship has been very up and down. We have broken up probably a dozen times, mostly because she never knew what she wanted. She was in, she was out, she loved me, she hated me, she wanted space, she wanted me back. Surely a lot of this is my fault for even going back and allowing someone to treat me like a fucking yo-yo but it is what it is and its in the past. Now fast forward to year 3 and after her getting some therapy and an extended break up she tells me that she wants to get married, that's she ready to move the relationship forward. And I told her that I actually was not ready for that, that I need to see some stability long-term before we take that step. I offered to move in with her and work on building toward marriage, but she will not hear a word of it.

She wants to get married NOW and she has "nothing more to give" in terms of showing her love and affection for me. I suppose after writing this all out that there are a ton of red flags here and I do believe that I am representing things fairly accurately. I guess my question to you guys is this, is it not fair that I ask my SO to consider what my wants and needs are before marriage. If there are things lacking in our relationship, is it permissible for me to point those things out and ask her to work on them or am I being totally unfair to her and asking her to be someone she is not. Thanks

I do love her and I would like to help her get better but even after her apparent suicide attempt it still hasn't registered for her just how unhealthy some of her habits are. The therapist she was seeing before the suicide attempt later referred her to a substance abuse counseler. She is still drinking wine every night. She now takes hits of weed in the basement pretty much every night before bed. And I can't point any of this out to her because she doesn't want to hear it. She doesn't think it's a big deal.

Instead of continuing to drink to excess (which she does often) and hitting the bowl, she should be exercising, changing her diet, getting a good nights sleep etc. If I say things like this she will basically roll her eyes. She can't hear me say things like this because all she hears from my mouth is I'M A PIECE OF SHIT. I'M A PIECE OF SHIT.

How the fuck does a person even consider marriage, after typing all of this???

And you're asking us if it's okay to tell the person you're in a relationship with, that you're not happy, and that her issues are deal breakers?

Communication is the foundation and mortar of a healthy relationship. If you don't even feel comfortable talking about the truth, how can you be talking marriage?

SPOILER ALERT: The marriage would be even worse.

Fuck man, you aren't in love. Leave her and don't turn back.
 

kavanf1

Member
A friend of mine was in a relationship with a girl similar to this. I saw first hand how devastating it was as I went out with her twin sister for a couple of years. (Despite being twins, they weren't alike at all.)

They went out for about 8 years, and after 2-3 the guy wanted out, but she successfully manipulated him for a further 5 or 6 years with threats, mostly about how she'd harm herself if he left her. Cutting herself, pills, emotional blackmail, every kind of manipulation you can think of, she used. She "attempted" suicide several times. It was because she loved him so much, she claimed.

The guy was utterly miserable and felt trapped with no way to escape, as though he was responsible for the situation he ended up in. Just like the way OP describes his partner, she refused to even consider that she might be just a little bit troubled. The entire burden to "fix" her was put on him, not just by her, but by her family, which made his conflicting emotions even harder to deal with.

Anyway, it took years, but eventually he dumped her successfully after the third or fourth serious attempt. To do it he had to involve her family and basically get her committed (not in any extreme One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest kind of way, just a shit load of psychiatric support) in order to break free of her.

He lost a chunk of his life from the age of 19-24 because of her. Everyone who didn't know what was going on under the facade of their apparently great relationship was stunned when they split as they assumed that they'd end up married. He is married now, to someone who isn't fucking crazy. While I haven't talked to him about this thread, I'm fairly confident his advice to OP would be "Run, run like fuck son. Get out while you can."
 

Seriously, jump ship. It won't get better.
 

vern

Member
I'd marry her.

I'm assuming you left out the part about her being a billionaire and super model.
 

Grizzlyjin

Supersonic, idiotic, disconnecting, not respecting, who would really ever wanna go and top that
Spoiler Alert: Sounds like she is trying to use marriage as a bandaid to fix the issues in her life. You'll get married, nothing will change, she'll think kids will change it, and it'll only exasperate your problems.

Homie, you sound like you already know that this is a bad idea. Don't get worn down to feel like you need to get married if you're worried about the stability of your relationship as is.
 
Run for the fucking hills OP. I told my girlfriend (of 5 years at the time) I wouldn't want to commit to marriage unless we had lived together for a minimum of 2 years and she agreed that was sensible. She moved in shortly after & we got married in our third year of living together.
 
You're going to be so damn happy you left when you start your next relationship. You're gunna look back and wonder how you managed to stick around as long as you have already. The memory is going to make you feel like an idiot (I know from experience).

This is so true.
 

JB1981

Member
I know the advice here has been unanimous that I should run away from this girl but I'm still kind or reeling over how things have unfolded. Just last week we spent two days together, had sex multiple times (without protection) and I spent some time watching her daughter. Now I notice today that she has defriended me on FB and I believe she has blocked my calls because I still have some belongings at her house that I need but my calls just keep going right to voicemail. I'm pretty upset, I know the best thing for me would be to put everything behind me but it's fucked up that this woman can't even be an adult and talk to me
 

Al-ibn Kermit

Junior Member
I don't know if it's been mentioned but it sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. If she wants to fix it then it's very treatable but if she doesn't then there's really nothing you can do. I'm guessing you've learned to deal with the patterns of mood swings and whatever but you need to do what's right for yourself and speak plainly about what you think the issue is mentally.

Frankly, there's no excuse to believe this behavior is going away on its own.
 
I know the advice here has been unanimous that I should run away from this girl but I'm still kind or reeling over how things have unfolded. Just last week we spent two days together, had sex multiple times (without protection) and I spent some time watching her daughter. Now I notice today that she has defriended me on FB and I believe she has blocked my calls because I still have some belongings at her house that I need but my calls just keep going right to voicemail. I'm pretty upset, I know the best thing for me would be to put everything behind me but it's fucked up that this woman can't even be an adult and talk to me
Why in the world would you have unprotected sex with her?
 
Same shit, different day. A ring isn't going to fix this.

And I'd stop having unprotected sex with a person who's suddenly desperate to get married. Just saying.

It's obvious from your posts that you're very attracted to this person. But that's not love in and of itself.
 

GatorBait

Member
I know the advice here has been unanimous that I should run away from this girl but I'm still kind or reeling over how things have unfolded. Just last week we spent two days together, had sex multiple times (without protection) and I spent some time watching her daughter. Now I notice today that she has defriended me on FB and I believe she has blocked my calls because I still have some belongings at her house that I need but my calls just keep going right to voicemail. I'm pretty upset, I know the best thing for me would be to put everything behind me but it's fucked up that this woman can't even be an adult and talk to me

At this point, I'd consider leaving my belongings behind if they are inexpensive/easily replaceable. Delete her phone number. Delete her from any other forms of communication. If she tried to contact me, I'd immediately delete the message/block the call/etc. Beyond the fact that you should have cut things off earlier, it's clear she has mentally moved on. It almost seems like she wanted you more for what you could give her and provide her with than wanted YOU as a person.

My condolences. But, as other posters have said, you'll look back on this some day and shake your head over how stupid it all was. You sound like an A+ guy and deserve someone who makes you happy.
 

Boney

Banned
Considering we're not impartial observers and we're forming our advice based on the perspective you share with us, and still there's a unanimous call that this girl will most certainly make you miserable, then there's no doubt about it. You're screaming for help dude, stop hooking up with her and don't let her manipulate you with sex, especially unprotected sex. Get someone to slap your face straight before it's too late.
 
I know the advice here has been unanimous that I should run away from this girl but I'm still kind or reeling over how things have unfolded. Just last week we spent two days together, had sex multiple times (without protection) and I spent some time watching her daughter. Now I notice today that she has defriended me on FB and I believe she has blocked my calls because I still have some belongings at her house that I need but my calls just keep going right to voicemail. I'm pretty upset, I know the best thing for me would be to put everything behind me but it's fucked up that this woman can't even be an adult and talk to me

Dude....she ain't worth it, at all. Plenty of fish and all that.
 

Trojan X

Banned
I know the advice here has been unanimous that I should run away from this girl but I'm still kind or reeling over how things have unfolded. Just last week we spent two days together, had sex multiple times (without protection) and I spent some time watching her daughter. Now I notice today that she has defriended me on FB and I believe she has blocked my calls because I still have some belongings at her house that I need but my calls just keep going right to voicemail. I'm pretty upset, I know the best thing for me would be to put everything behind me but it's fucked up that this woman can't even be an adult and talk to me

You are pussy whipped, aren't you?

I think it's fucked up that you got yourself deeper into the hornet's nest. There is a thing called "walk away" and leave everything. You are obviously too insecure and don't have enough confidence in yourself. You need to urgently believe in yourself and hang around with positive people that will help you move on. Pussy whipping yourself will do nothing but screw yourself further and that's what seems to be happening. It's good, OP.

Sadly.... After everything I told you including other here, I think you still don't believe us... That means you won't react until you get burned or she leaves you completely fucked up. To put it more fictitiously, this was you except the girl was actually the one in control:




Change your attitude and protect yourself or you will continue to be burned. From everything you told us, she isn't doing you any favours and we don't want you to be hurt any further. Be glad that she is cutting you off. Unless there is some information that you haven't told us, leaving is the best course of action for you; follow through and move on.
 

Zakalwe

Banned
OP, from what you're telling us it really does seem that cutting ties would be for the best. The girl also seems to require some kind of intervention for her behaviour. Nothing that's happening here is healthy for anyone.

You are pussy whipped, aren't you?

Please stay away from relationship threads in future if this kind of shit post is all you have to offer.
 

Trojan X

Banned
Please stay away from relationship threads in future if this kind of shit post is all you have to offer.

No, I'm not going to stay away and that was not all I had to offer. You responded just before I managed to edit my premature post that was sent accidently. He simply needs to leave the relationship for his own good. If he doesn't then all the signs indicate that he will be burned. He must not pursue further not investigate for answers (all signs that he was pussy whipped). You and I don't want that for him nor anyone and what you said is practically the same as I.
 

Dipper145

Member
Why in the world would you have unprotected sex with her?

I believe this thought was unanimously in everyones head who have been following this thread at all.

Glad to see this relationship ending for you. Keep a level head and just be you. Don't try to contact her or anything if she doesn't have anything you absolutely need like a passport. Things can be replaced.

I understand where you came from in the sense that you could see the good in her and want to help save her, but some people can't really be saved.
 

Zakalwe

Banned
No, I'm not going to stay away and that was not all I had to offer. You responded just before I managed to edit my premature post that was sent accidently. He simply needs to leave the relationship for his own good. If he doesn't then all the signs indicate that he will be burned. He must not pursue further not investigate for answers (all signs that he was pussy whipped). You and I don't want that for him nor anyone and what you said is practically the same as I.

No, what we wrote was not the same thing. And even if you had more to offer, that first line was/is totally uncalled for. And as that was all you posted initially, my response was valid.

But whatever man, you be you I'll be me.
 
Well, at least you didn't get engaged. That is what I thought was gong to happen from my experience with relationship advice threads.

Pull yourself together and realize you are part of the problem. You couldn't even put on a condom before you had sex with the woman that wants to be married at all costs and has mental issues.
 

JB1981

Member
you folks deserve each other smh

I feel like I did honestly try my best in this relationship and there was not much more that I could give. I asked a person to meet me in the middle and she could not even do that. You are correct that I have not made the best decisions in this relationship but it's also kind of hard to describe the complex mix of emotions you feel when you have been with someone for three years of your life and you dearly love their child. I wish I could always stay rational and make the best, most level-headed decisions but sometimes my emotions and the desire to be loved gets in the way. Of course none of what I am feeling is especially unique, people all over the world experience the same emotions. You are right that I have a lot to learn.
 

Trojan X

Banned
No, what we wrote was not the same thing. And even if you had more to offer, that first line was/is totally uncalled for. And as that was all you posted initially, my response was valid.

But whatever man, you be you I'll be me.


I think you may have forgotten what pussy whipped means. Everything that happened were signs of OP being under her control/influence. It doesn't mean strictly sex so I don't know why on earth you think that it was uncalled for.

Nevermind. As you said, you be you and I'll be me. Just be glad that in the end, we want the same thing for OP.
 
Forcing into marriage tho? ✋

That's a bye for me. OP, if she isn't giving you what you want then truly, why even still be in the relationship at all? What's making it hard for you to just 100% quit? I get being with someone for so long grows an attachment but it just doesn't sound like she is stable and you trying to make the steps to that with her rejecting it seems like a major red flag. Your marriage will be miserable especially if something as simple as this can't even be compromised.

I hope your attachment to her isn't for something shallow as sex but from a personality aspect, she just doesn't seem like the one to put a ring on and go forward with. After 3 years, if things didn't change then I'm afraid it won't change in the next 5-10 to a lifetime. I would say end it tbh but no, it's not wrong to tell your SO you want more. But if they aren't willing to give more, then leave tbh.
 

GatorBait

Member
I feel like I did honestly try my best in this relationship and there was not much more that I could give. I asked a person to meet me in the middle and she could not even do that. You are correct that I have not made the best decisions in this relationship but it's also kind of hard to describe the complex mix of emotions you feel when you have been with someone for three years of your life and you dearly love their child. I wish I could always stay rational and make the best, most level-headed decisions but sometimes my emotions and the desire to be loved gets in the way. Of course none of what I am feeling is especially unique, people all over the world experience the same emotions. You are right that I have a lot to learn.

So she has defriended you on Facebook, and isn't taking your calls. What's your next move? What's your plan? In some ways it almost sounds like you're resigning yourself to the idea of trying to make up with her again?
 

Trojan X

Banned
I feel like I did honestly try my best in this relationship and there was not much more that I could give. I asked a person to meet me in the middle and she could not even do that. You are correct that I have not made the best decisions in this relationship but it's also kind of hard to describe the complex mix of emotions you feel when you have been with someone for three years of your life and you dearly love their child. I wish I could always stay rational and make the best, most level-headed decisions but sometimes my emotions and the desire to be loved gets in the way. Of course none of what I am feeling is especially unique, people all over the world experience the same emotions. You are right that I have a lot to learn.

Don't worry, OP. I was in a similar situation (though a child wasn't involved). Just make sure you learn from this and protect your heart more. Yes, you've been with her for 3 years but you need to keep your eyes more open for signs and be braver on calling things for what it is. No one should be taking you for a ride and if anyone is then you need to be braver to stand up and telling her what's on your mind, and you need to be strong enough to walk away when needed. Not saying you should never try to fix a relationship, but make sure you always know where your white-line is so you can put your foot down whenever anyone crosses it.

So again, please learn from this and remember that when you are with a partner you need to look at the whole package. Ultimately, you need to grow up and be stronger for you didn't have to go through that, no matter how many positive point she has, no need to go deeper into the hornet nest.

Good luck on your next potential partner. I hope you will get one that loves, adore and do anything to make you happy as how you would do anything for her.


However, let's be clear for the sake of this thread that you started: Are you done truly with her now that she cut you off? Are you going to move on? What are you going to do?
 

JB1981

Member
So she has defriended you on Facebook, and isn't taking your calls. What's your next move? What's your plan? In some ways it almost sounds like you're resigning yourself to the idea of trying to make up with her again?

I am moving into a new townhouse in a few weeks and I guess I'm going to do best to move on, date other people, focus on work and get my life together. I'm hurt by the fact that I have made so many attempts to explain the logic behind why I want to live together for a while before marriage and work on our relationship only to be met by intractable disagreement. I have never walked away from her. She has walked away from me so many times and she thinks just because she has met the very low bar of seeking therapy and going on meds that she is "doing all she can" for our relationship. I have been to therapy myself because I have struggled with anxiety and mild depression for years and I know how long that journey takes. You can't just take pills and go through the motions of therapy and not make any behavioral changes. So I grant that she did take some positive steps but parallel to that she is still continuing her destructive ways: smoking, drinking, not taking care of her health.
 

hey_it's_that_dog

benevolent sexism
Does all this drama bullshit thrill you, OP, rather than make you completely miserable? Do you believe you will not find another partner if you leave her? Or that your own flaws will doom any relationship you have so you might as well stay with what you're used to? Being in a long term relationship can gradually normalize toxic dynamics that are totally obvious to an observer but don't feel that crazy to the participants.

You live one life and then you're dead forever. Is this how you want to spend that life? She's not going to change.

Not using serious birth control with a partner you aren't fully committed to suggests you aren't going to make a rational decision here. So what do you want us to say? Are you waiting for that one post that says things will probably work out just fine?


Edit: oh you're moving on. Good luck and good choice!
 
Nah man, shes been manipulating you and it seems like only going back to you when its convieniet for her, fuck that. Dont get locked into something that toxic, its bad news for both of you
 
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