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Is it wrong to tell a SO you need more from the relationship before marriage?

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JB1981

Member
Big edit: 10/15/16

I have been thinking about how I presented things in the original OP and I want to backtrack and make the timeline of our relationship a little more accurate. I feel like I may not have been completely fair to my ex with my original version of events. The general theme overall is the same, that I just feel like she was never giving me what I wanted.

So the subject of "marriage" has come up in our relationship many times. Wait, let's go back a little further. When we first started dating, I was living home with mom. I had a job, made pretty good money and commuted over 2 hours a day to work but I got comfortable living home with mom where I didn't have to pay ANY bills. She was jobless when we met, just coming off a nasty separation from the baby's father. We got serious very quickly but about 2+ months into things she got "weird." She would go "dark" sometimes and one night I basically caught her red-handed staying the night at the baby's fathers house. She was adamant that nothing sexual happened between them but she did admit that she slept in his bed. Anyway I'm getting a little sidetracked but long story short I accepted her story and her apology for being shady and we started seeing each other again. She broke things off with me again shortly after this and that's when I said fuck it and found the needed motivation to move out. I got my own apartment in a town closer to my work and I did it partly because she said she was turned off that I was still living at home. So a few weeks after I moved she contacts me and we get serious again.

This leads me to my original OP where we break up another several times. She doesn't know what she wants. She wants to be alone. She doesn't love me. I'm annoying. I have no common sense. I have no drive etc. We get back together again and things are going pretty good and the subject of "moving forward" comes up. She's kind of annoyed that we are seeing each other more regulatory and I still have my apartment. I tell her that our relationship just isn't there yet and because we have broken up so frequently I want to keep my place for my own protection.

Anyway she keeps pushing the "moving forward" thing to which I resist and we have another big break up. I start thinking that maybe she is right that I need to shit or get off the pot so I send her this long, heartfelt email asking her how she would feel if we got married. She says please give me some time to think about it and I'll get back to you. So she takes about a month, does some soul-searching and tells me that she wants to take some time to work on herself and be the best person she can be for our relationship because she now realizes that she has not been good to me and she wants to be the best version of her that she can be. So she goes on medication and goes to therapy and we start seeing each other again.

Now this is where I start to reneg on the marriage question and I tell her honestly that ideally I want to get married but I just don't think we are there yet. So I wanted to update this OP because I felt that I originally did not adequately describe how things have gone down between us. I'm not even sure if anybody cares but it felt good to type it up and set the record straight. The same issues are there though. I just feel like she has never fully committed to me in the way a woman who loves someone and wants to get married should. Maybe it is because of her depression and anxiety that she just does not have the capacity to love another person the way they should be loved in a marriage.


Original post: 10/6/16

By that I mean, I need to feel more loved and wanted, and to desire more stability in the relationship. Is it wrong to ask someone this and hope that things can get better or should you just not be in such a relationship to begin with.

Long story short, I have been with my girl for about 3 years and our relationship has been very up and down. We have broken up probably a dozen times, mostly because she never knew what she wanted. She was in, she was out, she loved me, she hated me, she wanted space, she wanted me back. Surely a lot of this is my fault for even going back and allowing someone to treat me like a fucking yo-yo but it is what it is and its in the past. Now fast forward to year 3 and after her getting some therapy and an extended break up she tells me that she wants to get married, that's she ready to move the relationship forward. And I told her that I actually was not ready for that, that I need to see some stability long-term before we take that step. I offered to move in with her and work on building toward marriage, but she will not hear a word of it.

She wants to get married NOW and she has "nothing more to give" in terms of showing her love and affection for me. I suppose after writing this all out that there are a ton of red flags here and I do believe that I am representing things fairly accurately. I guess my question to you guys is this, is it not fair that I ask my SO to consider what my wants and needs are before marriage. If there are things lacking in our relationship, is it permissible for me to point those things out and ask her to work on them or am I being totally unfair to her and asking her to be someone she is not. Thanks
 
Better to do that before the proposing in any case. If you feel you need more and they aren't willing to provide you can decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with them or not
 
She "has nothing more to give" and you're miserable, you guys constantly break up, and she's giving you a marriage ultimatum?

Say no, let her leave, and be glad you dodged a bullet.
 
Nope. Based upon what you've said I'm with you 100% here. The fact that she's not even willing to live together first is /really/ weird and sets off alarms in my head.
 
No offense to you, OP, but she sounds like an absolute mess and not someone who's ready for a marriage.

Even ignoring all the back-and-forth of previous years between you two, her "not hearing any of it" regarding your concerns shows that she's immature and isn't willing to work with you and compromise in places to come up with a solution that makes you both happy. That's a marriage/relationship killer.
 
Break it off, pronto. She didn't listen to a thing you said, and is pushing you to get married ASAP.

This person doesn't love you, they just want to use you for something.
 

Meatfist

Member
Sounds reasonable to me. There's so many red flags here that I wouldn't even consider marriage until you've lived with her for a while, and even then you need to think long and hard about whether living together is going to improve your relationship or just cause you more stress in the long run
 

JB1981

Member
Couples counseling or bail out.

You're right, there are red flags everywhere.

Do people even do couples counseling if they are not married or have kids? Also she does have a 4 yr old who I am like a father to. I adore her and it has made separating that much harder for me.
 

Jenov

Member
No offense to you, OP, but she sounds like an absolute mess and not someone who's ready for a marriage.

Even ignoring all the back-and-forth of previous years between you two, her "not hearing any of it" regarding your concerns shows that she's immature and isn't willing to work with you and compromise in places to come up with a solution that makes you both happy. That's a marriage/relationship killer.

This ^^^
 

Xe4

Banned
Don't get married until you feel like you're ready to get married. If she can't accept that, then you obviously aren't meant to be together.

Also, if you break up more than once or twice, that shit ain't meant to be. It has to be tough though, so I definitely empathize.
 

Leatherface

Member
Nope. The least you deserve is exactly what you asked for. Why would you ever commit to anyone who wasn't committed to you already?! Bail out OP!
 

gogosox82

Member
She sounds completely irrational. She has nothing more to give after being in a really unstable relationship but wants to get married? Hell, she isn't even willing to live with you. What makes you think this will go any better if your married? I would tell her either we move in together and see how it goes or its over. If she says no to that, well that's your answer right there. If she isn't willing to work on problems in the relationship, then you guys have no business being in a relationship together let alone getting married.
 
200px-BulletBillMK8.png


It's comin'. Dodge it if you can.
 

RDreamer

Member
DO NOT MARRY HER UNTIL YOU ARE SURE THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

Divorce is a bitch, and you don't want to go through with that. Both parties should be absolutely sure they want marriage and things are stable and healthy before going that route. Marriage doesn't fix anything and it surely doesn't remove doubts and worries. Get through that shit before getting hitched. It'll save you a lot of stress, pain, and heartache in the long run. If she isn't willing to take your feelings into account on what is a mutual act of love and commitment then I think you can guess how that act would fare down the road.
 

Richie

Member
Do people even do couples counseling if they are not married or have kids? Also she does have a 4 yr old who I am like a father to. I adore her and it has made separating that much harder for me.

Why she wants to marry asap suddenly became much clearer.
 
Nope. Based on what you're telling us, the relationship is not stable enough for marriage. and if she is being unreasonable about this and says she needs to get married NOW, shes obviously not ready. If she's not willing to work on this and take things at a pace you can both agree on, especially with how she's treated the relationship before then it's really time to end it OP.
 

FairyD

Member
Nope not at all wrong. She needs to consider your needs and what you want before you two decide to get married.
 

LordOfChaos

Member
Colossally bad idea to let your SO pressure you into marriage if you don't feel things are there yet. If they want it now and you aren't ready, it could be you'd be best parting ways.
 
Do people even do couples counseling if they are not married or have kids? Also she does have a 4 yr old who I am like a father to. I adore her and it has made separating that much harder for me.

There's the reason she wants you married...she wants that ass on the hook.
 
eject eject eject

Seriously, jumping from an "extended break up" to marriage is a red flag tied to a red flag pole with red string on top of an active volcano.

Feeling like she's ready after a little bit of therapy shows at the very least she needs a lot more of it.

And it'll be hard and sad to give up on the relationship, but it's very obviously not working out well for the either of you.
 
Marriage isnt something you just do because reasons, OP. It's a commitment to spend the rest of your life with someone.

Sounds like you aren't even sure you want to spend the rest of the week with her.
 

rokkerkory

Member
Why is that wrong?

Depends on what it is but if it is reasonable then nothing wrong with it. Marriage is a 2 way street and needs commitment from both parties.
 

snacknuts

we all knew her
OP, if whether or not you should be marrying someone isn't completely clear to you, it is clear in its own way: don't do it.
 
I think you're in the right. There are a lot of red flags. You can't string someone along like that and then immediately ask for marriage after a break.
 

Simplet

Member
You should tell her in so many words that she has been less than committed to the relationship in the past and that you're not ready to get married to her immediately after an extended break up. It sounds like she's planning to use the marriage as some kind of a cage that will prevent her from running away again, and that doesn't seem very healthy.
 
I think you already know what to do, OP.

But seriously, you don't even live with each other and she wants to get married? Am I reading this right: She doesn't want you to move in unless you get married?
 

gamma

Member
You offered to move in first and she declined so that are two big no-nos already. First the fact that you haven't already lived together and second that she doesn't want to move in together before marriage.
 
Do people even do couples counseling if they are not married or have kids? Also she does have a 4 yr old who I am like a father to. I adore her and it has made separating that much harder for me.

Sure, I know a number of couples who did that specifically because they were getting married. It's not that strange.

Granted, all of those couples were in much healthier places than what you describe. But I know it's a lot easier for us to tell you to end it than it is to actually do it, so if you want another chance, I think that would be your best option.
 
Red flags all around. Do not get married. You two didn't even move in together! How about trying that for a year or two and then asking her if things are still going well. If she isn't open to that, there is something wrong.
 
I think any person who talks/writes about their relationship in the terms you just did OP, knows fully well what is going to be the end result. I'm sorry.
 

dem

Member
lol..
broken up a dozen times in 3 years?

Marriage should not be in your vocabulary.
 

levious

That throwing stick stunt of yours has boomeranged on us.
Do people even do couples counseling if they are not married or have kids? Also she does have a 4 yr old who I am like a father to. I adore her and it has made separating that much harder for me.


Absolutely. Even some churches will reccomend pre marital counseling.
 
She's fucking nuts, and is basically forcing you to get married NOW against your wishes?

Yeah, obviously go for it. That would be logical and rational.
 
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