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Kotaku's review of Kingdom Hearts III is... uhm... something else.
Lionel Richie
Member
His prolific style could benefit from a change of career as there are definitely other areas where it might be better used. If he were to learn how to code, for instance, it would do wonders.
ExpandKong
Banned
Solarstrike
Member
I feel violated. Holy shit.
scary
scary
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Red Crayon Aristocrat
Member
Are you telling me there's a parody of this guy's work from all the way back in early 2006? He's been around that long and still writes in this same style?
Nickolaidas
Member
That explains a lot, Mr Martin.
ExpandKong
Banned
Right? As I said before I just assumed he choked to death on his own farts. Was very surprised to see his name on the byline here.
megamerican
Member
Not even joking it's like my eyes want to cross reading that shit. Have to look away.
He's like trying be David Foster Wallace, except 10 years too late and not even a little bit clever.
He's like trying be David Foster Wallace, except 10 years too late and not even a little bit clever.
Dr. Claus
Vincit qui se vincit
I want to say he was trying to be comedic, but it just comes across as sad.
JareBear: Remastered
Banned
Well according to what I’ve been told in this thread, if you have to even ask this question then your IQ isn’t high enough to qualify as a Tim Rogers Reader, or some bullshit like that.
Guess you and I both get to sit at the Dumb Dumb Table from now on.
Pot Meet Kettle
Member
Is it bad that I still see some consistent internal logic with the shit Kotaku is used to churn out?
Feminist critical theory. Check.
"Let's unpack this" for a moment. Let's review this review.
Elsa's Let It Go musical number isn't a mundane cutscene, it's an important sacred feminist sermon preaching about Elsa's liberation from society. The mere presence of three penis-donning lifeforms is according to the reviewer TAINTING this sacred ceremony.
The word "voyeurism" is used, which implies her dignity is being defiled by their presence and witnessing the scene. Their uncritical admiration for her musical number didn't save them.
Goofy and Donald's voice are an affront to the sacred event, SHUT UP, you are unintentionally invoking a "meta" TROPE that might indirectly make Elsa seem as less-than-perfect than the Mary Sue she is, and the viewer might be incited to laugh.
Autism. Check.
Analyzed a 36 line dialogue through the prismatic kalediscope and then a period blood stained concave lens of intersectional critical theory to check for narrative dissonances.
"Hey I played the game" Game related anecdote. Check.
The selfies don't give the player enough options, or whatever the player random action does don't all necessarily factor in the true ending (whereas if they did... the arcane, complicated, random ending requirements would be controversy bait). Not enough optional selfies with Disney princesses that are needed -as political statements of couse, no matter how little it makes sense for the story, even by KH standards- as MAJOR plot twists. Also I really hate Sora, this PTSD addled retard and wish he'd collapse under his complexes' weight already.
Sensitivity signaling. Check.
The anecdote with the random Japanese lady serves as a grim reminder how offense ready the review is at strangers poking his mind for conversion starters, because they are invading his/her privacy, YET the reviewer is all too willing to make the review all about himself, not the game, and take pride in voicing his egocentric worldview.
The very fact this contradiction between hostility at the thought strangers are interested in his egosphere, and expectation that his egosphere is all important, is voiced in this review, is not a coincidence. It's a WARNING.
Like bright colors and polka dots on poisonous tropical frogs, this is a very clear message.
Ｉ ａｍ ａ ｖｅｒｙ ｔｒｉｇｇｅｒｅｄ， ｈｉｇｈｌｙ ｓｅｎｓｉｔｉｖｅ ｐｅｒｓｏｎ．
Ａｆｔｅｒ ａ ｌｏｎｇ ｓｅｎｓｉｔｉｖｉｔｙ ｔｒａｉｎｉｎｇ， Ｉ ａｍ ａ ｍａｓｓ ｏｆ ｄａｎｇｅｒ ｔｏ ｂｅｈｏｌｄ．
Ｔｈｅ ｐｅｒｓｏｎ ｂｅｓｔ ｅｑｕｉｐｐｅｄ ｔｏ ｓｐｅａｋ ｏｎ ｍａｔｔｅｒｓ ｏｆ ｏｆｆｅｎｄｉｎｇ ｍａｔｅｒｉａｌ．
Ｄｏ ｎｏｔ ｍａｋｅ ｌｉｇｈｔ ｏｆ ｍｙ ｗｏｒｄｓ． Ｔｈｅｙ ａｒｅ ｖａｌｕａｂｌｅ．
Ｈｅｅｄ ｍｙ ｗｏｒｄｓ ｉｆ ｙｏｕ ｖａｌｕｅ ｙｏｕｒ ｄｉｇｉｔａｌ ｌｉｆｅ， ｌｅｓｔ ｍｙ ｆｕｒｙ ｂｅｆａｌｌｓ ｙｏｕ．
The tl;dr?
KH3 is worthless. Its story isn't enough of a political statement. The one political statement I love (Elsa) was ruined by the presence of that shitty cast from the game. Too much game, not enough politics. Also, I'm a dangerous reviewer Square Enix and you better look out, your Elsa scene barely saved you, but it and the other princesses is NOT ENOUGH and you really messed up.
Feminist critical theory. Check.
"Let's unpack this" for a moment. Let's review this review.
Elsa's Let It Go musical number isn't a mundane cutscene, it's an important sacred feminist sermon preaching about Elsa's liberation from society. The mere presence of three penis-donning lifeforms is according to the reviewer TAINTING this sacred ceremony.
The word "voyeurism" is used, which implies her dignity is being defiled by their presence and witnessing the scene. Their uncritical admiration for her musical number didn't save them.
Goofy and Donald's voice are an affront to the sacred event, SHUT UP, you are unintentionally invoking a "meta" TROPE that might indirectly make Elsa seem as less-than-perfect than the Mary Sue she is, and the viewer might be incited to laugh.
Autism. Check.
Analyzed a 36 line dialogue through the prismatic kalediscope and then a period blood stained concave lens of intersectional critical theory to check for narrative dissonances.
"Hey I played the game" Game related anecdote. Check.
The selfies don't give the player enough options, or whatever the player random action does don't all necessarily factor in the true ending (whereas if they did... the arcane, complicated, random ending requirements would be controversy bait). Not enough optional selfies with Disney princesses that are needed -as political statements of couse, no matter how little it makes sense for the story, even by KH standards- as MAJOR plot twists. Also I really hate Sora, this PTSD addled retard and wish he'd collapse under his complexes' weight already.
Sensitivity signaling. Check.
The anecdote with the random Japanese lady serves as a grim reminder how offense ready the review is at strangers poking his mind for conversion starters, because they are invading his/her privacy, YET the reviewer is all too willing to make the review all about himself, not the game, and take pride in voicing his egocentric worldview.
The very fact this contradiction between hostility at the thought strangers are interested in his egosphere, and expectation that his egosphere is all important, is voiced in this review, is not a coincidence. It's a WARNING.
Like bright colors and polka dots on poisonous tropical frogs, this is a very clear message.
Ｉ ａｍ ａ ｖｅｒｙ ｔｒｉｇｇｅｒｅｄ， ｈｉｇｈｌｙ ｓｅｎｓｉｔｉｖｅ ｐｅｒｓｏｎ．
Ａｆｔｅｒ ａ ｌｏｎｇ ｓｅｎｓｉｔｉｖｉｔｙ ｔｒａｉｎｉｎｇ， Ｉ ａｍ ａ ｍａｓｓ ｏｆ ｄａｎｇｅｒ ｔｏ ｂｅｈｏｌｄ．
Ｔｈｅ ｐｅｒｓｏｎ ｂｅｓｔ ｅｑｕｉｐｐｅｄ ｔｏ ｓｐｅａｋ ｏｎ ｍａｔｔｅｒｓ ｏｆ ｏｆｆｅｎｄｉｎｇ ｍａｔｅｒｉａｌ．
Ｄｏ ｎｏｔ ｍａｋｅ ｌｉｇｈｔ ｏｆ ｍｙ ｗｏｒｄｓ． Ｔｈｅｙ ａｒｅ ｖａｌｕａｂｌｅ．
Ｈｅｅｄ ｍｙ ｗｏｒｄｓ ｉｆ ｙｏｕ ｖａｌｕｅ ｙｏｕｒ ｄｉｇｉｔａｌ ｌｉｆｅ， ｌｅｓｔ ｍｙ ｆｕｒｙ ｂｅｆａｌｌｓ ｙｏｕ．
The tl;dr?
KH3 is worthless. Its story isn't enough of a political statement. The one political statement I love (Elsa) was ruined by the presence of that shitty cast from the game. Too much game, not enough politics. Also, I'm a dangerous reviewer Square Enix and you better look out, your Elsa scene barely saved you, but it and the other princesses is NOT ENOUGH and you really messed up.
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And your impression would be quite wrong.
Makariel
Member
Why not? It's one review out of dozens on mainstream sites on this game, plus countless others on YouTube channels and smaller sites. I don't think the world is going to end because one of them is a bit out there. Personally I don't read kotaku and this gonzo style isn't my cup of tea anymore (admittedly I did enjoy it in my late teens), but I can see why some folks might enjoy this. So instead of shaking my fist angrily I say they can enjoy their gonzo reviews and I just ignore them myself.
Danjin44
The nicest person on this forum
Umm.......this feels like his own personal blog rather than proper review. Reviews are opinions but at the same time it needs help reader decide if the game is for him/her but this so called "review" doesn't seem is not about helping the reader.
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