• Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.

Mental Health |AT| GAF

Kev Kev

Member
thank you Tesseract Tesseract and DragoonKain DragoonKain

exercising is one thing i havent been doing for a while. my excuse was bc i was full time work and full time school, but im pretty much done with school now (i have two summer classes i still have to take, but its not like to 15 credits per semester that ive been doing the last 2 years). plus, corona virus has been keeping gyms closed. but going for a walk is a good one Tesseract Tesseract , even if its not for the exercise but just to get out in some fresh air. i kind of live in the hood rn so a walk around hear would be not ao good lmao, but you saying that made me consider heading down to the park by the river and walk. also making music and forgetting all of the theory is a challenge for me, because im always thinking notes and staves and shit, but its so liberating to just create and enjoy it without all that. good ideas man, thank you

and i think youre right DragoonKain DragoonKain about having things you know you need yo do weighing on your mind. id be lying if i said i dont have some of that, but mostly it is anxiety for seemingly no reason which makes me think im broken and its never going to stop blah blah blah. but you saying that got me thinking about what i can do to work on myself. exercise, finishing tasks i never started, getting out of my comfort zone and doing things that have been on my mind for years... i actually do have some of those things in my life that i need to address. thanks for the words! i think im going to try abd get back into routines i used to do, and coincidentally enough i had less anxiety, things like running every morning, cleaning every two weeks, shopping and cooking routines, things that help me feel grounded and accomplished. especially now that i don't have the full time work and full time school excuse

thanks again guys
 
Last edited:

Moogle11

Banned
I don't think we really 'serve any purpose' except to just make the best of the time we all have and try to be positive, have fun and I guess leave this world (hopefully MANY decades from now) in better shape than when we came into it.

Yep. I got and stayed way happier when I just realized all that matters is doing what you can to enjoy life. There doesn’t have to be some higher purpose to life. Just spend as much time as you can doing things you enjoy and as little as you can on things you don’t and try and find a decent work-life balance.

That doesn’t mean being shitty to others or not caring about anyone else by any means. It just means accepting that few people are going to make any meaningful impact outside of their family and social circle and thus we should focus on that. One can have empathy and recognize that a lot of shitty things happen everyday without letting that ruin your life and mental health when it’s things that don’t directly impact you.

For instance, I hate Trump and his allies views and policies, but I don’t have the TDS that many have where they’ve been miserable since 2016 and constantly ranting about things. I disagree with nearly every policy he supports, but none of them really directly affect me so why should I be miserable? My personal life is just as good as it was under Obama who I agreed with far more often.

Same with Covid19. It sucks that people are getting sick, that more people are dying and losing family members than in an average year Itj our a pandemic. I feel bad for front line, public facing workers who have to go to work and accept risk even if they don’t want to as they have bills to pay. But I’m relatively unaffected by it as we can work from home indefinitely so we haven’t fallen into depression like many online seem to. It sucks, but we’re good so we can feel bad for others who are less fortunate without being depressed ourselves.

So yeah, focus on enjoying life and not worrying about having some greater purpose and find ways to care about things you can’t impact without becoming miserable yourself when it’s things thst don’t impact you and that you can do nothing about.

More importantly, seek professional help When you’re really struggling and avoid mental health communities online. There are few professionals on forums like this and it’s not healthy to read posts by other depressed people about how life sucks, they want to die etc.
 

DragoonKain

Neighbours from Hell
thank you Tesseract Tesseract and DragoonKain DragoonKain

exercising is one thing i havent been doing for a while. my excuse was bc i was full time work and full time school, but im pretty much done with school now (i have two summer classes i still have to take, but its not like to 15 credits per semester that ive been doing the last 2 years). plus, corona virus has been keeping gyms closed. but going for a walk is a good one Tesseract Tesseract , even if its not for the exercise but just to get out in some fresh air. i kind of live in the hood rn so a walk around hear would be not ao good lmao, but you saying that made me consider heading down to the park by the river and walk. also making music and forgetting all of the theory is a challenge for me, because im always thinking notes and staves and shit, but its so liberating to just create and enjoy it without all that. good ideas man, thank you

and i think youre right DragoonKain DragoonKain about having things you know you need yo do weighing on your mind. id be lying if i said i dont have some of that, but mostly it is anxiety for seemingly no reason which makes me think im broken and its never going to stop blah blah blah. but you saying that got me thinking about what i can do to work on myself. exercise, finishing tasks i never started, getting out of my comfort zone and doing things that have been on my mind for years... i actually do have some of those things in my life that i need to address. thanks for the words! i think im going to try abd get back into routines i used to do, and coincidentally enough i had less anxiety, things like running every morning, cleaning every two weeks, shopping and cooking routines, things that help me feel grounded and accomplished. especially now that i don't have the full time work and full time school excuse

thanks again guys
Most people don't know themselves as much as they think they do. We know some stuff about ourselves, but most people don't even know their own capabilities. I think finding out what you yourself is capable of is very exciting. To me it's one of the most accomplishing feelings. Doing something and pushing yourself father to see how much you can get done. It's a great way to learn more about who you are and it unlocks more possibilities and curiosity for what you can do. It's a great way to make someone feel proud of themselves.

The hardest part is starting. Once you start that's the easy part in keeping it going because once you build momentum it just carries you. Exercise is a big part, because biologically that helps your mood as well as psychologically, but it doesn't even have to just be that. You can pick up some kind of new hobby and sink your teeth into it. Give you something to be excited about when you get up in the morning. Something your passion is directed toward. The more of these things you have in life, the less room there is for anxiety.

You can only control what you can control and the one thing you can control is putting your mind and body in a better situation to where if it doesn't totally cure your anxiety, it will at the very least put it in a better place, and that's something.
 

teezzy

Banned
Depression is fucking brutal. Woof. Nothing worse when there's shit that's just out of your control, no matter how much you kick and scream. Typically I can throw a hail mary pass and come out on the other end. It's gonna take all my effort to keep going. Keep my head clear. Way too much going on. I'm going to come out of this stronger than ever, I swear to fuck. I will destroy.

umPquXr.gif
 

Tesseract

Banned
all good here, strong and stoic

working a steady 100 hours / week with apex to refract, not a lot else going on

train, work, study, music, games, weed, girls

if there's something else to life, please let me know
 
Last edited:
The state of the world, in specific this country USA, has made me loose sleep. I'm watching actual societal collapse unfold.

I'm being serious when I say I actually miss hearing about Covid-19 around the clock. The violence is making me sick.
 

PanzerAzel

Member
I’m in a pretty dire situation. I suppose I just need to vent and get my feelings out there. This will be long.

I’m 42 and’ve been battling a chronic illness for over half my life. A softball sized mass was discovered in my left chest at 20 that I endured chemotherapy on and off throughout my twenties into my late thirties to survive (Here is an old MRI slice). This eventually shrunk it to approximately the size of an egg, removing the threat it presented in proxy to vital organs (growing into my left lung and heart cavities), but unfortunately, it surrounds both my subclavian artery and brachial plexus nerve branches to my left arm which rules out resection. It is now slowly eating into my nerve. This often causes me very raw, tender, white hot, intense pain that radiates throughout my upper left torso like a burning piece of smoldering coal inside me alongside causing lightning bolts of excruciating pain and involuntary muscle spasms in all areas of my chest, back, shoulder, and arm. Due to this, it’s not a situation that would kill so much as make me wish it would. Symptoms aren’t always severe, but they are always present, and are increasing. Bad days are trials. I ceased treatment at 38 because the tumor had shrunk enough, chemotherapy is no way to live, and my body had had enough. Now, it is sending me all too familiar signals (this will be the fourth recurrence). I’ve been advised to see the doctor for another MRI, but to me this is nothing but a formality in confirming what I already know. I think at this point I would rather exist in ignorance and the possibility of hope it affords me, however delusional, than have it stripped away to leave me in absolute poverty and despair. I don’t want to undergo more treatment, I've been through years of chemo already, which says nothing on whether my body could even handle it if I did. In early diagnosis youth was on my side; yet at my age this is a fading ally and it presses the question of whether it would be more harmful than beneficial. My body cannot handle a war of attrition indefinitely.

All this to say, this addresses only the physical aspect of my situation. I don't have much to show for anything in my life currently as treatment constantly pulled me back in for two nearly two decades (along with dealing with the psychological and emotional ramifications) which necessitated a lot of professional, social, and time sacrifices. I've some Jr. college courses, very menial/sporadic work experience, my left arm is disabled, chronic pain and opiates are constant, I live with my folks, subsist on about $1k of disability monthly, find it impossible to relate to and build and hold relationships, and I still have a lot of emotional and psychological baggage. Many of those years were spent simply trying to deal emotionally and not kill myself. In addition to all this, I'm Bipolar II. When I'm not struggling against the lack of motivation or mood swings from it, I'm exhausted by the incessant symptoms of my tumor. Rare is the day I feel both physically and mentally up to snuff enough to do anything. I don't wish to get into it fully as to how my current situation in life doesn't motivate me towards a future one, but I'll just say that the payoff I've gotten for putting up such a tremendous fight, from what I've seen, doesn't warrant any more of it. My symptoms are increasing and I know I've brief time. I try not to think too far off into the future and to take it a day at a time, but worsening symptoms are forcing me to face this reality and what options I have. If I don't undergo more treatment I'm thinking I've 10-15 years (it's a slow growing tumor). That may sound like a lot, but given how bad the symptoms are currently, I don't believe I've more than 5 years, if that, before they become so intolerable that euthanasia or suicide will become reasonable, and appealing, options.

My entire adult life has been spent fighting these illnesses. I'm not an upbeat kind of guy, life's been brutal and it shows. I try to keep a positive and enthusiastic attitude (this has been a must to survive) but it's hard when I'm often in pain and dealing with depression. I'm empty inside, apathy and nihilism are running rampant, and the only thing holding me on is the love for my parents. My mother has dementia and my father is on his last legs. People treat me with disrespect and contempt as I look perfectly healthy from the outside yet am in a position in life that is deemed that of a loser. They see me living with my parents at 40+ with nothing to show that traditionally is indicative of hard work and achievement in society for someone my age. No independence, home, degree, profession, family. They don't understand that that's not due to a lack of ambition or hard work on my part, but is instead the byproduct of the sacrifices I had to make to fight for my health, something they've never had to earn so they see absolutely no value in it. I come from an upper middle class family. My father is an accomplished and well-respected scientist and two of my siblings are Ivy graduates and self-made millionaires. I see everyone with $400k homes, laughing, loving and living high on the affluence the foundation of their health afforded them. Spewing their unearned idealisms to me about how to succeed in life, and their "wisdom" explaining why those that aren't, aren't.....always with a wink. It's never explicitly stated, but is very implicitly expected, always to be expressed in implication, insinuation, subtlety, nuance, and passive aggressiveness. I'm frankly sick of it, and am growing increasingly bitter to have come out of a very dark tunnel, very proud I survived, only to realize I sit in utter poverty when I've poured my heart, soul, my very being for years into something only to get nothing back except stigma, judgement, and not even the health I had when I began. I don't know how to not be bitter and resentful about this. My fight was undertaken in naive idealism in the hope for a better future. Now that I've fought and survived to see that future, it's not one worth living. Even if I found it in me to start a life at this point (however long it would be), I have this fucking thing threatening again, for the FOURTH TIME NOW, to pull me back in to an absolute hellish, miserable existence. On top of Bipolar II, which feels to be worsening and which I know, through experience, that treatment will exacerbate a great deal.

I just.......I feel done. Resigned to a life that seems hell bent on not allowing me to live one. How much can I bear? How much do I owe? How much am I expected to do without an inkling of profit? It never seems to be enough. God knows I've made many mistakes in my life, but fucking Christ. I was on my way at twenty, things were lining up and looking bright. Even when things took a drastic turn 22 years ago, I still held the ideal. I was optimistic for a future. I buckled down and grabbed those bootstraps tight, pulling like an absolute motherfucker for decades to improve my situation in life and it didn't even bring me to the level of status quo. All that effort, pain, for NOTHING. They've consequently snapped, and the ideal has fractured. When life has shown that it doesn't give one shit about the effort I put into improving it, I have to ask myself: why should I?

Yes, I know I'm wallowing in self-pity, well this is the place. I'm not always like this but the past few weeks have been rough. I'm frightened. Absolutely terrified, and I don't know how to deal with this. Many therapists have come and gone, they cannot even scratch the surface, it is wasted money. I'm seriously contemplating saving up a bit and then going on a Bohemian-laden, hedonistic, carnal, drug-filled splurge to end in suicide, preferably with a partner who wants to live sans any and all inhibitions consideration of a future may impose. At this point, I'm not really seeing any other better option.
 

Cutty Flam

Banned
I’m in a pretty dire situation. I suppose I just need to vent and get my feelings out there. This will be long.

I’m 42 and’ve been battling a chronic illness for over half my life. A softball sized mass was discovered in my left chest at 20 that I endured chemotherapy on and off throughout my twenties into my late thirties to survive (Here is an old MRI slice). This eventually shrunk it to approximately the size of an egg, removing the threat it presented in proxy to vital organs (growing into my left lung and heart cavities), but unfortunately, it surrounds both my subclavian artery and brachial plexus nerve branches to my left arm which rules out resection. It is now slowly eating into my nerve. This often causes me very raw, tender, white hot, intense pain that radiates throughout my upper left torso like a burning piece of smoldering coal inside me alongside causing lightning bolts of excruciating pain and involuntary muscle spasms in all areas of my chest, back, shoulder, and arm. Due to this, it’s not a situation that would kill so much as make me wish it would. Symptoms aren’t always severe, but they are always present, and are increasing. Bad days are trials. I ceased treatment at 38 because the tumor had shrunk enough, chemotherapy is no way to live, and my body had had enough. Now, it is sending me all too familiar signals (this will be the fourth recurrence). I’ve been advised to see the doctor for another MRI, but to me this is nothing but a formality in confirming what I already know. I think at this point I would rather exist in ignorance and the possibility of hope it affords me, however delusional, than have it stripped away to leave me in absolute poverty and despair. I don’t want to undergo more treatment, I've been through years of chemo already, which says nothing on whether my body could even handle it if I did. In early diagnosis youth was on my side; yet at my age this is a fading ally and it presses the question of whether it would be more harmful than beneficial. My body cannot handle a war of attrition indefinitely.

All this to say, this addresses only the physical aspect of my situation. I don't have much to show for anything in my life currently as treatment constantly pulled me back in for two nearly two decades (along with dealing with the psychological and emotional ramifications) which necessitated a lot of professional, social, and time sacrifices. I've some Jr. college courses, very menial/sporadic work experience, my left arm is disabled, chronic pain and opiates are constant, I live with my folks, subsist on about $1k of disability monthly, find it impossible to relate to and build and hold relationships, and I still have a lot of emotional and psychological baggage. Many of those years were spent simply trying to deal emotionally and not kill myself. In addition to all this, I'm Bipolar II. When I'm not struggling against the lack of motivation or mood swings from it, I'm exhausted by the incessant symptoms of my tumor. Rare is the day I feel both physically and mentally up to snuff enough to do anything. I don't wish to get into it fully as to how my current situation in life doesn't motivate me towards a future one, but I'll just say that the payoff I've gotten for putting up such a tremendous fight, from what I've seen, doesn't warrant any more of it. My symptoms are increasing and I know I've brief time. I try not to think too far off into the future and to take it a day at a time, but worsening symptoms are forcing me to face this reality and what options I have. If I don't undergo more treatment I'm thinking I've 10-15 years (it's a slow growing tumor). That may sound like a lot, but given how bad the symptoms are currently, I don't believe I've more than 5 years, if that, before they become so intolerable that euthanasia or suicide will become reasonable, and appealing, options.

My entire adult life has been spent fighting these illnesses. I'm not an upbeat kind of guy, life's been brutal and it shows. I try to keep a positive and enthusiastic attitude (this has been a must to survive) but it's hard when I'm often in pain and dealing with depression. I'm empty inside, apathy and nihilism are running rampant, and the only thing holding me on is the love for my parents. My mother has dementia and my father is on his last legs. People treat me with disrespect and contempt as I look perfectly healthy from the outside yet am in a position in life that is deemed that of a loser. They see me living with my parents at 40+ with nothing to show that traditionally is indicative of hard work and achievement in society for someone my age. No independence, home, degree, profession, family. They don't understand that that's not due to a lack of ambition or hard work on my part, but is instead the byproduct of the sacrifices I had to make to fight for my health, something they've never had to earn so they see absolutely no value in it. I come from an upper middle class family. My father is an accomplished and well-respected scientist and two of my siblings are Ivy graduates and self-made millionaires. I see everyone with $400k homes, laughing, loving and living high on the affluence the foundation of their health afforded them. Spewing their unearned idealisms to me about how to succeed in life, and their "wisdom" explaining why those that aren't, aren't.....always with a wink. It's never explicitly stated, but is very implicitly expected, always to be expressed in implication, insinuation, subtlety, nuance, and passive aggressiveness. I'm frankly sick of it, and am growing increasingly bitter to have come out of a very dark tunnel, very proud I survived, only to realize I sit in utter poverty when I've poured my heart, soul, my very being for years into something only to get nothing back except stigma, judgement, and not even the health I had when I began. I don't know how to not be bitter and resentful about this. My fight was undertaken in naive idealism in the hope for a better future. Now that I've fought and survived to see that future, it's not one worth living. Even if I found it in me to start a life at this point (however long it would be), I have this fucking thing threatening again, for the FOURTH TIME NOW, to pull me back in to an absolute hellish, miserable existence. On top of Bipolar II, which feels to be worsening and which I know, through experience, that treatment will exacerbate a great deal.

I just.......I feel done. Resigned to a life that seems hell bent on not allowing me to live one. How much can I bear? How much do I owe? How much am I expected to do without an inkling of profit? It never seems to be enough. God knows I've made many mistakes in my life, but fucking Christ. I was on my way at twenty, things were lining up and looking bright. Even when things took a drastic turn 22 years ago, I still held the ideal. I was optimistic for a future. I buckled down and grabbed those bootstraps tight, pulling like an absolute motherfucker for decades to improve my situation in life and it didn't even bring me to the level of status quo. All that effort, pain, for NOTHING. They've consequently snapped, and the ideal has fractured. When life has shown that it doesn't give one shit about the effort I put into improving it, I have to ask myself: why should I?

Yes, I know I'm wallowing in self-pity, well this is the place. I'm not always like this but the past few weeks have been rough. I'm frightened. Absolutely terrified, and I don't know how to deal with this. Many therapists have come and gone, they cannot even scratch the surface, it is wasted money. I'm seriously contemplating saving up a bit and then going on a Bohemian-laden, hedonistic, carnal, drug-filled splurge to end in suicide, preferably with a partner who wants to live sans any and all inhibitions consideration of a future may impose. At this point, I'm not really seeing any other better option.
Although I am not battling your battle, I live with a very rare and painful condition called Hereditary Neuralgic Amyotrophy. I was undiagnosed for years, and the pain essentially aligns up with Fibromyalgia is what many thought I might have been suffering with. Since age 17 I’ve been battling this neurological disease and the pain has been constant

It’s not a matter of giving up for me. There was only one time that I felt like like killing myself, because I never would allow my dreams to fade, but on that day I lay on a bed with several ice packs, nearly unable to move a thing due to so much pain in my legs and back due to several injuries. The thought had entered my mind that maybe I would never climb up out of the unbelievably deep hole I was in. I climbed and clawed and fell down more times than I can even say. Hundreds? Hundreds upon hundreds upon hundreds of setbacks? I think it was around that number, I was constantly straining muscles due to this disease and mistakes made. One time after months and months of PT and giving everything I had; asking questions, taking notes, ice three to five times a day every single day, praying, resting doing everything I possibly could to reach my goal of health and be able to play basketball again—my PT who was a chick looked at me after I was telling her about my issues or something, with cold, contempt eyes, and suggested that maybe it’s in my head and that I was maybe fine (despite not feeling close to ‘fine’ or anywhere near) and it really upset me. One, because she thought I must have been lying or faking or some shit. Two, because she as my PT had given up on me, when I was clearly 100% dedicated to the utmost of improving and doing what I had to do to return to where I wanted to be, to reach my destination and goals. Even therapists betray their very own values. You are never supposed to give up on any person. Yourself included imo. I fought from age 17, PT all over the place, three different places from 17-19, running through quacks and mediocre doctors like nothing. Until one year, my sister’s bf’s sister had recommended her doctor to my sister, who had told my mom. And they set me up with an appt. He checked me out, gave me PT with his team and his guy who he thought was the best, and I repeated the same routine towards reaching excellence with a fiery passion and steadfast belief in chasing my goal. He really was the best, he helped me achieve my goal towards health and I was playing bball again after 5 fierce years of depression, pain, futile attempts that lead to nowhere. It took five years, but I climbed, I clawed, I stumbled and and went two steps backward and one forward many times, but once I was with the right team I had an opportunity. I wouldn’t lose my placing in that dark hole climbing up towards the light. If I had to I was going to punch through the fucking dirt and hang there by my arm so I wouldn’t fall again. It was steady progression all the way; I fiercely stood for it and fought without letting up. Three times a week in the gym doing the small things that would add up, hours dedicated to the fight every day. My mind was on it

And although I did it mostly on my part that I recall, to get my health back in order for my life, I am glad I fought so hard. Because there are people watching over us in this life. Our parents perhaps, our siblings perhaps, you may not even notice it or ever notice it. Even every day people at work or say around you, there are good people doing good things and everybody will hope that you can and will find your way. And above all, God is close wherever you go and He is with you Himself, watching over you with a level of love that would have you in tears if only you could know. If only you could know just how limitless his love for you is. He wants you to succeed and live well and triumph past your greatest roadblocks and struggles. He wants nothing more than that out of love that will be moving towards that. But always remember, we have free will. We are GIVEN free will. It is God’s gift to us to express that we are in charge as much as He is on many levels; to what we can HANDLE. Nothing further than what we can handle is given in my belief. Please understand my brother, that although you are in pain and may feel like giving up; that there is a way through God to achieve what you wish to achieve and what you need to achieve. Your health is worth fighting for with every single cell that you can stimulate in your body, for the cause / for the mission. You know what it will take. You must go for it. With all your might, with all your intelligence. With all your ability and strength and everything you have; your entire spirit must be in this fight. Give it everything and pray to God for guidance, for reassurance, for help, for emotional security, for every single need in this life you must speak with God and He will lead you. You have to believe in yourself and you have to believe in the Almighty God that will undoubtedly guide you towards being your best in this fight

It’s cancer. This is a fight in which only truth; the very strict adherence to truth will save us. It is impossible to succeed if you do not actively seek and adhere to living your life to the truth. What do I mean? You have to come to an understanding of certain truths to advance your health along to where it needs to be. In my case, I had to learn the body’s many systems, the ways of musculature and tissues and nutrition and health its entirely as a subject if I am to live well. I must know it, I must live it and I must never lose sight of it in my mind. There must be MINIMAL slip ups for you and I brother. MINIMAL. Even minimal is too many. You and I must aim for ZERO mistakes in our walking a narrow path towards better health. Sugar? Our liver will create / synthesize what we need. I believe a vegan keto diet filled with raw foods will relieve us the pain we fight daily. You have to start living to eat PERFECTLY my friend. We both do. Everyone does, truth be told, eventually eating all these harmful foods is going to rob everybody of years off their life. There are no exceptions. None. Every single man, woman, and child will be robbed of years off their livelihood based off their choices of what they put into their bodies, and how they think even. Everything counts!

So you must learn nutrition with all your might. You must bro, it’s an everyday factor that determines much

A gallon and a half of the best quality water you can buy, put some Himalayan pink salt in there if you can stand the taste, maybe a teaspoon in the gallon and a half and drink like it’s do or die. Water is UNBELIEVABLY crucial to energy and life. Drink water all the time, make it a habit. Adding trace minerals to it will be even more beneficial for you. And your body regulates water with the help of sodium and potassium by the way. So you need sodium in your diet daily, with each meal, and you need to start thinking about nutrient dense, potassium-rich foods with every meal

Study and know exactly what the body needs for survival. It is mainly water. And oxygen. Perfect your knowledge of water. Perfect the breath. Perfect bringing oxygen to all your body so that it may be delivered in perfect amount to every cell that could use it and needs it. Those are key: Drinking water and breathing. Mastering water intake and mastering the breath

Know ALL nutrients that your body needs and get them in your system. High quality Multi-vitamins will be of great help. And they are extremely useful when you decide to fasg if you decide to fast at any point to rid your body of unnecessary waste and such. Salt either by pink salt or maybe celtic sea salt will give you the minerals you need during a fast as well

Eat foods high in magnesium and dont underestimate powerful foods. Eat superfoods with zero sugar every day. Get vitamin d3 in your system 3,000 IU every day or every other day

All vitamins, minerals, enzymes, probiotics, organic acids, that will help you—include them in your diet. Do not underestimate probiotics, vitamin C derived from plants or herbs with zero to low sugar. Broccoli is filled with vitamin C and low in sugar. Vitamin D I believe regulates over 3,000+ different gene expressions thag determine the strength of our immune system; our immune system’s functioning and strength. Probiotics play a huge role in white blood cells as well I think, I still need to read into that. Linus Pauling, the only individual to win 2 nobel peace prizes in Chemistry has demonstrates that Vitamin C has incredible healing potential when mega dosages are administered so look into that. Nutrition is the doctor. NUTRITION is your ticket out. Everyone’s ticket to be precise. We all must master it if we are to live correctly, and live well. Everybody is suffering at one level or another. Everyone. Why? It’s due to habits that lead to our demise. I watched my grandmother suffer from cancer. Her diet was horrendous. I am sure that played a major part. It was breast cancer. Ever since then, I have to think that poor choices with foods and drinks and anything we put into out bodies is the reason out bodies fail us. The very air we breath is filled with carcinogens. So this world os simply not an ally. Our only ally is God, and ourselves as one family trying to survive here on Earth as best we can. And it is survival. It’s a battle that will taken down even the most legendary warriors that ever put it down here on the planet. But it’s all worth fighting for and fighting hard for. Don’t let anything distract you. Don’t let the evils of this world that is not of us, get to you. The internet at large is a wasteland most of the time, people in the world who say you can do this, or that, or anything negative to hurt and mislead another; that’s there and it exists. But what needs to exist more than anything, is your belief. Believe fully in yourself, in your ability. Believe fully in God and his ways and that there is truth for you to find and live by and when you do all these things and live correctly, you can live the life you want to or at the very least fight to the very best of your ability reaching for it. That’s how I want to go out. I want to one day stand tall before all as a man of God and truth and live the life I want to live and that God Himself would approve of. Because all I aim to do is live well and bring others with me if I can to a better place here on Earth. All I’m shooting for is to improve and live by truth and God as flawed as I am and I believe that will be enough. But I’ve come to realize that through God is the only way to accomplish much. I have lived it. I have been without God in my life because I never intimately had established a relationship with him until age 19. I built with God and Jesus under their teachings any that I could understand and apply to my life. It brought me to certain truths little by little over the years. And as time went by and I continued to learn, I eventually reached a level that I aimed for. And then I continued on. And eventually I lost sight of God’s teachings as many will, and things haven’t been the same since. I’m calling for you and I to live our lives under God’s supervision my brother. His full guidance, so that we may thrive. Let us learn his teachings daily and abide by them so that we can again find truth that will guide us to our salvation. Guide us to life. It’s written that few will find it. And that is true. To find life, you must know life. And to know life in its entirety, I believe it is crucial that you must be on the same page with the Most High. With God

PanzerAzel PanzerAzel

I know it is very difficult. I have had days doubled over at moments in pain that would cripple me for moments or minutes and offset the vicious cycle of pain and injury. But I know there is a way out. I just need to live by God and He will protect me in every way that I allow; by living according to what will being me life. It is the same with you. And it is the same with everyone. Find it in you to fight again. To fight with such a determination, that you believe it is impossible for you to fail. That cookie or cake or ice cream on the table is our enemy. Sugar will feed the cancer cells in our bodies, I believe. Acrylamide in baked goods and highly heated or charred meats, is a carcinogen. Avoid if we can. Carbs will turn into sugar and we can’t allow much of that into our diets. There are so many ways to fight, and protect our bodies. That is what needs be done. There can be no mistakes. A craving? You have to, you have to reach for the healthy teas and stevia or monk fruit. Or drink water. We cant have any sugary drinks. Everything we put into our bodies must be nutrient dense or have healing capabilities within it. Something to aid our bodies or something that will nourish our bodies. It’s tough, but once we finally find t he right diet for health and take no shorts, do not allow any harmful options, I believe that is when true living will be achieved. You need a radical approach because the world we live in is so backwards from what is right for us. For 19 years, I had barely at all even thought of God; and that was what I needed in my life all that time. It was only then that I saw clearly what I must do, and how to do it, and to have the ability to to do what I needed to do. It was all thanks to God and what he gave in my life

And one last thing my bro, success is not living away from your parents or baging an empty bitch in a house you live in alone or even having all the money you could ever need attained by the fruit of your own labor. Look where all these people with money are. They power trip. They put money over people’s heads and kill others for what? For the small bit of respect they demand? Is that what a life is worth to them? That little? They are wrong and they are lost. Many people are wrong and they are lost no matter what material possessions they have in their lives. True success imo is living for God, in harmony with others. Living in harmony with those you love and showing love to others. To even be able to do that, is impossible for some most of the time because their hearts are full of hate. Some days I go most of my day with thoughts of hate, and murder, of violence and other horrible things that stem from my heart. And then I’ll remember God, and I’ll think of those I was just thinking terrible of, and see the beauty of the it being, the power they possess if they would only realize it. How sacred they are to God and their loved ones. And I begin to actually break down in sorrow because I am so wrong at times and missing so many truths because I am not fully understanding all that is in the bible in which I should, all of God’s lessons, commandments, and all in all, God’s word. If I can just get back to that, to that high level of pursuit towards following God and His ways and living according to his instruction, I know and believe I am successful. Because I have felt it. I have been in it. And have experienced what it is like to give sincere dedication to living how He intended for us to approach life. And I have lost my way from that as well. The difference is night and day. You truly can get little to nothing done without God if you stray from the vine and cut yourself off so to say. You must be one with God and everything will be starting to look up in time. I know if I can achieve that same oneness with God again, my problems will be well within solving, and yours will be too. There will be trials ahead, but with God they are doable

And as long as I try my best to reach God and my goals in this life, I die a success. I have been rich in life thanks to God despite having barely enough to get by. The money is trivial. Even in this world where it may seem King; it is trivial. Money is nothing but paper to buy with. And your needs are shelter, food, water, and love is what it comes down to. Real success to me is living by God and achieving my dreams. But I have found that my dreams are impossible to achieve without God. I can’t really describe it fully, I simply know it to be true within me. I’m too prone to fuck things up. But when I am living according to what I believe is the will of God, I find my purpose and my steps are straight forward toward where I need and want to go simultaneously

You are obviously a true fighter with an immense spirit. I believe you are. You have to believe you are too and that’s why you need to give this challenge, this battle your absolute all. I believe with God that you will be able to rid yourself of whatever you set your mind to. I have a nerve disease that affects me but I fully and I mean 100% with zero doubt, believe that one day I will have the recipe for living my life without having to deal with an attack again. Through optimal nutrition. Exercise. Through breathing and overall living as I should. And God will be the reason I am able to achieve that reality. I believe it 100% is so, and possible, and that’s why I refuse to give up. I’m praying that you too will find your way and resolve all your problems, and rid your body of the mass. I think it is possible, and that you should seriously consider mapping out the ultimate plan and strategy to fight this thing, and go for it firing everything you have at it. If I leave you with anything, it is the sole fact that my greatest strengths and feats in this life are thanks to God. And that I know that it is truly possible to achieve what you set out to achieve within reasonable limits. Ridding yourself of the mass in your upper chest is reasonable and possible, please believe in yourself and please seek God and His way, his teachings, and commandments. Following God and Jesus, I believe, is what sets a man straight in this life where it is easy to go astray and lose much without their help

I came to this thread in pain, and a lot of emotional built up trauma. But your post has made me realize what I need to do. I need to do exactly as I said: reach for more understanding, reach for more perfection and truth and mend myself as I have done before. I’ve been broken for years at a time since 17, having a year of success or so where I was alright only to fall down again and repeat the same vicious cycle all over again as it’s happened before. I believe it comes back to me because I am not living right. Not living according to truth. Not living according to God. I cannot win without them. I simply cannot. I think it’s finally time to go for it like I never have before and never look back. This is what is will be, to love God with all my might and all my spirit. I’m going to find my best years in this life soon, and I’m going to do it all with my efforts and sticking close to God. I think you need to do the same and you will be well just as I will be in time
 

PanzerAzel

Member
I came to this thread in pain, and a lot of emotional built up trauma. But your post has made me realize what I need to do. I need to do exactly as I said: reach for more understanding, reach for more perfection and truth and mend myself as I have done before. I’ve been broken for years at a time since 17, having a year of success or so where I was alright only to fall down again and repeat the same vicious cycle all over again as it’s happened before. I believe it comes back to me because I am not living right. Not living according to truth. Not living according to God. I cannot win without them. I simply cannot. I think it’s finally time to go for it like I never have before and never look back. This is what is will be, to love God with all my might and all my spirit. I’m going to find my best years in this life soon, and I’m going to do it all with my efforts and sticking close to God. I think you need to do the same and you will be well just as I will be in time

Thank you for this reply and relaying your experiences. I really appreciate it.

What do you mean by "live right"? I don't believe in God, and I mean no disrespect to you (and know you are of the best of intentions with your reply), but it's a bit insulting to imply that I (and you ) are both deserving of these continuing hardships because one's not living according to truth and to God. I was a believer at diagnosis, and in fact I mourned the loss of my faith for many years. Looking back, it was one of the hardest aspects for me. I spent countless amounts of time opening myself up, crying, begging, screaming, surrendering myself in whatever manner I could. Trying to live right amongst confusion and chaos. I gave God a very good chance, I put in my part, and it was the unending nature of my illness that ultimately destroyed my faith. Trust me when I tell you I was desperate for anything to help. I don't grant to God the feats of what are my strengths and accomplishments, they are mine alone, and they've been earned with endless amounts of continual struggle. If that is to continue because I'm not living right by or following Him, then he is not one worthy of the title bestowed upon Him. He is worthy of nothing but contempt and scorn.

I can win without Him, and I did. This tumor wouldn't stop, the chronic pain wouldn't cease, the depression wouldn't rise, if I were to let God into my heart. Because the fact is, He already had it when I got the call from the doctor that night that changed my life. And now He's to be given credit? Certainly not by me. It's wonderful that you have a strong belief in God to help you, perhaps my faith wasn't strong enough. But I lived right as best as I knew how and I can't be blamed for that.
 

Cutty Flam

Banned
Thank you for this reply and relaying your experiences. I really appreciate it.

What do you mean by "live right"? I don't believe in God, and I mean no disrespect to you (and know you are of the best of intentions with your reply), but it's a bit insulting to imply that I (and you ) are both deserving of these continuing hardships because one's not living according to truth and to God. I was a believer at diagnosis, and in fact I mourned the loss of my faith for many years. Looking back, it was one of the hardest aspects for me. I spent countless amounts of time opening myself up, crying, begging, screaming, surrendering myself in whatever manner I could. Trying to live right amongst confusion and chaos. I gave God a very good chance, I put in my part, and it was the unending nature of my illness that ultimately destroyed my faith. Trust me when I tell you I was desperate for anything to help. I don't grant to God the feats of what are my strengths and accomplishments, they are mine alone, and they've been earned with endless amounts of continual struggle. If that is to continue because I'm not living right by or following Him, then he is not one worthy of the title bestowed upon Him. He is worthy of nothing but contempt and scorn.

I can win without Him, and I did. This tumor wouldn't stop, the chronic pain wouldn't cease, the depression wouldn't rise, if I were to let God into my heart. Because the fact is, He already had it when I got the call from the doctor that night that changed my life. And now He's to be given credit? Certainly not by me. It's wonderful that you have a strong belief in God to help you, perhaps my faith wasn't strong enough. But I lived right as best as I knew how and I can't be blamed for that.

By living right I mean what I have found out by years and years of countless trial and error, mistake after mistake after mistake that brought me down to the ground where I would be but have another opportunity to get up to my feet and try again, to do things the correct way in life

Whenever I would fail, there was a lesson that was repeating but I was too young to understand it at age 17. It wasn’t until I got older and had done much studying and thinking and maturing that I would come to find out the truth that is: I cannot live well, UNLESS I go all out in my ability to live according to what science deems is the best way live. What we have found to be certain, scientifically proven to help my situation. I have to live by that 100% if I can, and I believe that is possible if I truly have my sights set 100% at all times. And I must live by God’s teachings and his will if I can do better each day to do so. There are so many distractions. Everything is against us I believe, even our own minds that we possess and are in full control of will go astray and that will damage us or even lead to certain death with the wrong decisions. And I mean that fully. One meal, a few drinks could be damaging your body’s cells if you choose wrong. Or edge even a few feet from the path. For example, I decided it would be okay to have some coconut ice cream even though I knew it was going to be a horrendous choice. Vitamin C fights with sugar to get into your cells. With my condition, training is a way for me to ascend past the complications. I train, I get strong and pain, as time goes on, lessens as I grow stronger and more muscular. But when I eat sugar I essentially rob my body of Vitamin C as does everyone else. Vitamin C is needed for many crucial functions involving immunity. And it’s also needed for synthesizing tissue and repairing tissue that you break down. So I basically robbed a lot of my cells the vitamin C needed for me to progress and get that much closer to being at my best. And because of that slip up, I injured my brachialis area yesterday while training. Another set back because I wasn’t focused and going down the right path. I wasn’t fully focused on doing every thing I possibly could, making every single choice I need to make, to make sure I am progressing towards my goal to pain-free health and active living; the full life that I want to
live

I am saying that some people have little margin for error. I cannot make mistakes if I want to succeed. I can make a small mistake here and there, it’s going to happen. But the mentality I must take on, is that I cannot make mistakes. I cannot afford to. They’re going to bring me down to square one when I am riddled with injuries and pain. Some people such as you and I, cannot afford many mistakes. Everything must be on point. Our will must be strong. Our plan must be fool-proof. We must know all the ins and outs, essentially, to what we are doing and cannot miss a beat if we are to be successful. Following God will allow that. His teachings will guide us away from trouble. We will instead be on the narrow path in which is spoken in the bible. There will be light shined on that narrow path so that we do not stumble, trip, or fall. We will be protected and avoid all the pitfalls of this life; simply by listening to God and loving God by keeping his commandments. Everything else is a waste of time. I’ve lived it. I’ve seen it. Living contrary to God in just t smallest of ways or the slightest ways even is a major waste of our limited time and during that time disobeying Him we are certainly not focused on what will bring us to where we want to be

People need to understand that it is crucial to communicate with God, live by the way he has meant for us to live, and do the work we must

For you, your work I cannot say. Only you know what you must do. What you were meant to do. You know it fully, but I can only guess. But I know that you must conquer your issues just I must, so that I can show others going through the same problems or similar in life, that it is possible and we can do it. We can overcome. There is a way, I know it for fact, and I can help you do it if you listen. That’s what people need. That kind of love. It’s so rare to find. But the world needs more people who can fully overcome and conquer their major life issues. Overcome disease. Overcome anything in our way of living the life we should all be enjoying. This world needs more warriors that are willing to fight and overcome

I am simply saying that there is a right way to go about goals, our visions, our dreams. I do think it is wise to walk with God and Jesus and they will be there to make sure we do not fall. They will have their hands close by for ever should we start lose direction, to keep us from going astray even a little bit. When we’re walking along the path and are weak, I believe God and Jesus will hold us up so that we may continue

It is no insult. I have lived it. Without God showing me the truth, I would have never found peace or even stretches of my life in which I lived without pain. I achieved those pain free stretches thanks to God and constantly seeking truth. And living a certain way. It is crucial that we consider what is holding us back. A lot is. And that is why I try to stay close to God. I am too prone to harming myself when I think I know it all and can do it all by myself

And faith alone will not solve your problems. Make no mistake, it will be you who solves this issue. I am saying, in my belief, that praying for answers and truth, and help is what will aid you in your mission to rid yourself of the tumor. You need to fight for answers that will lead you to a certain diet, a certain pattern of lifestyle you can make habit and live by, that will reduce and eventually eliminate your tumor. It is my belief that God, in time, will set up the path for you if you simply ask. But you must always do your part. You are sovereign. God has given us all free will. But only you have the power to ask God for help and assistance, whatever you may need, to get to where you believe you need to go. I urge you seek truth. That is what helped me. That’s what will help you. Truth and applying it to your life
 

Tesseract

Banned
most ofl my friends and family have moved on or died, it's just me now and i'm feeling stuck where i am with no personal connections to anyone

dunno what i'm gonna do, maybe join the military once and for all, roam the earth for a couple months, live in the sprawl or become a farm hand somewhere

i'm tired of the industry, it was fun in my twenties but the hours were miserable and my own projects suffered

couldn't ask for a better den of cunts, thanks for keeping the lights on
 
Last edited:

DogofWar

Member
Hmm interesting thread. I have been depressed most of my life and even now that I am happily married and have two wonderful kids that "black hole" that absorbs everything is still there. I have the last couple of weeks finally come to my senses enough to "see someone", I am doing a test to see if I have ADHD. Which everything seem to indicate that I have. I haven't been able to finish any post high school studies even though everyone in my family are academics and I am generally intelligent enough to do it. I can't work from home, even though that is my dream. As I am always distracted by something else. Etc etc, my depression definitely stems from this. And without giving my entire life away I can just say a couple of things I have learned from this:

Don't blame yourself. If you are severly depressed, it is not your fault. Consider seeing someone but most importantly, keep yourself busy. As you should know by know if you are depressed the worst moments are the ones where you sit alone and contemplate. If you have no friends where you live join some club of ANYTHING. Like a chess club or anything. It will do wonders.

Be outside and exercise. You wont be motivated to do so at all but do it! Watch some Rocky-montage or something to get you motivated and go out and run until you can't run anymore. Seriously this will do you wonders. Do it right now when you are reading this even if it is in the middle of the night.

Know that your life is your life, and when it gets better you will realize that even the harsh period you are in now will be what leads up to the better part of your life. I would never have met my wife if it wasn't for that I walked the exact path in life that I did. And if I had not met my wife my two beautiful kids would never have come to be. My daughter would never have smiled the way she does and talked about what butterflies she loves the most and my son would not be sleeping in my lap right now. The two most beautiful things in the universe exist simply because I perservered all those horrible nights of self loathing and despair.

And finally, don't be ashamed. Writing here is one thing but talk about how you are feeling with your loved ones. If you live too far away from them or somehow am solitary enough that you don't consider yourself as having loved ones right now. See a proffessional. Even Tony Soprano did it after all!

I went to the community section to praise the sun with people playing Dark Souls and now I wrote a lenghty post about mental health. Dammit NeoGaf!

Have a great day/night whoever is reading this.
 

MetalAlien

Banned
all my friends and family have moved on or died, it's just me now and i'm feeling stuck where i am with no personal connections to anyone

dunno what i'm gonna do, maybe join the military once and for all, roam the earth for a couple months, live in the sprawl or become a farm hand somewhere

i'm tired of the industry, it was fun in my twenties but the hours were miserable and my own projects suffered

couldn't ask for a better den of cunts, thanks for keeping the lights on
Tag quote...
 

MaestroMike

Gold Member
I’m in a pretty dire situation. I suppose I just need to vent and get my feelings out there. This will be long.

I’m 42 and’ve been battling a chronic illness for over half my life. A softball sized mass was discovered in my left chest at 20 that I endured chemotherapy on and off throughout my twenties into my late thirties to survive (Here is an old MRI slice). This eventually shrunk it to approximately the size of an egg, removing the threat it presented in proxy to vital organs (growing into my left lung and heart cavities), but unfortunately, it surrounds both my subclavian artery and brachial plexus nerve branches to my left arm which rules out resection. It is now slowly eating into my nerve. This often causes me very raw, tender, white hot, intense pain that radiates throughout my upper left torso like a burning piece of smoldering coal inside me alongside causing lightning bolts of excruciating pain and involuntary muscle spasms in all areas of my chest, back, shoulder, and arm. Due to this, it’s not a situation that would kill so much as make me wish it would. Symptoms aren’t always severe, but they are always present, and are increasing. Bad days are trials. I ceased treatment at 38 because the tumor had shrunk enough, chemotherapy is no way to live, and my body had had enough. Now, it is sending me all too familiar signals (this will be the fourth recurrence). I’ve been advised to see the doctor for another MRI, but to me this is nothing but a formality in confirming what I already know. I think at this point I would rather exist in ignorance and the possibility of hope it affords me, however delusional, than have it stripped away to leave me in absolute poverty and despair. I don’t want to undergo more treatment, I've been through years of chemo already, which says nothing on whether my body could even handle it if I did. In early diagnosis youth was on my side; yet at my age this is a fading ally and it presses the question of whether it would be more harmful than beneficial. My body cannot handle a war of attrition indefinitely.

All this to say, this addresses only the physical aspect of my situation. I don't have much to show for anything in my life currently as treatment constantly pulled me back in for two nearly two decades (along with dealing with the psychological and emotional ramifications) which necessitated a lot of professional, social, and time sacrifices. I've some Jr. college courses, very menial/sporadic work experience, my left arm is disabled, chronic pain and opiates are constant, I live with my folks, subsist on about $1k of disability monthly, find it impossible to relate to and build and hold relationships, and I still have a lot of emotional and psychological baggage. Many of those years were spent simply trying to deal emotionally and not kill myself. In addition to all this, I'm Bipolar II. When I'm not struggling against the lack of motivation or mood swings from it, I'm exhausted by the incessant symptoms of my tumor. Rare is the day I feel both physically and mentally up to snuff enough to do anything. I don't wish to get into it fully as to how my current situation in life doesn't motivate me towards a future one, but I'll just say that the payoff I've gotten for putting up such a tremendous fight, from what I've seen, doesn't warrant any more of it. My symptoms are increasing and I know I've brief time. I try not to think too far off into the future and to take it a day at a time, but worsening symptoms are forcing me to face this reality and what options I have. If I don't undergo more treatment I'm thinking I've 10-15 years (it's a slow growing tumor). That may sound like a lot, but given how bad the symptoms are currently, I don't believe I've more than 5 years, if that, before they become so intolerable that euthanasia or suicide will become reasonable, and appealing, options.

My entire adult life has been spent fighting these illnesses. I'm not an upbeat kind of guy, life's been brutal and it shows. I try to keep a positive and enthusiastic attitude (this has been a must to survive) but it's hard when I'm often in pain and dealing with depression. I'm empty inside, apathy and nihilism are running rampant, and the only thing holding me on is the love for my parents. My mother has dementia and my father is on his last legs. People treat me with disrespect and contempt as I look perfectly healthy from the outside yet am in a position in life that is deemed that of a loser. They see me living with my parents at 40+ with nothing to show that traditionally is indicative of hard work and achievement in society for someone my age. No independence, home, degree, profession, family. They don't understand that that's not due to a lack of ambition or hard work on my part, but is instead the byproduct of the sacrifices I had to make to fight for my health, something they've never had to earn so they see absolutely no value in it. I come from an upper middle class family. My father is an accomplished and well-respected scientist and two of my siblings are Ivy graduates and self-made millionaires. I see everyone with $400k homes, laughing, loving and living high on the affluence the foundation of their health afforded them. Spewing their unearned idealisms to me about how to succeed in life, and their "wisdom" explaining why those that aren't, aren't.....always with a wink. It's never explicitly stated, but is very implicitly expected, always to be expressed in implication, insinuation, subtlety, nuance, and passive aggressiveness. I'm frankly sick of it, and am growing increasingly bitter to have come out of a very dark tunnel, very proud I survived, only to realize I sit in utter poverty when I've poured my heart, soul, my very being for years into something only to get nothing back except stigma, judgement, and not even the health I had when I began. I don't know how to not be bitter and resentful about this. My fight was undertaken in naive idealism in the hope for a better future. Now that I've fought and survived to see that future, it's not one worth living. Even if I found it in me to start a life at this point (however long it would be), I have this fucking thing threatening again, for the FOURTH TIME NOW, to pull me back in to an absolute hellish, miserable existence. On top of Bipolar II, which feels to be worsening and which I know, through experience, that treatment will exacerbate a great deal.

I just.......I feel done. Resigned to a life that seems hell bent on not allowing me to live one. How much can I bear? How much do I owe? How much am I expected to do without an inkling of profit? It never seems to be enough. God knows I've made many mistakes in my life, but fucking Christ. I was on my way at twenty, things were lining up and looking bright. Even when things took a drastic turn 22 years ago, I still held the ideal. I was optimistic for a future. I buckled down and grabbed those bootstraps tight, pulling like an absolute motherfucker for decades to improve my situation in life and it didn't even bring me to the level of status quo. All that effort, pain, for NOTHING. They've consequently snapped, and the ideal has fractured. When life has shown that it doesn't give one shit about the effort I put into improving it, I have to ask myself: why should I?

Yes, I know I'm wallowing in self-pity, well this is the place. I'm not always like this but the past few weeks have been rough. I'm frightened. Absolutely terrified, and I don't know how to deal with this. Many therapists have come and gone, they cannot even scratch the surface, it is wasted money. I'm seriously contemplating saving up a bit and then going on a Bohemian-laden, hedonistic, carnal, drug-filled splurge to end in suicide, preferably with a partner who wants to live sans any and all inhibitions consideration of a future may impose. At this point, I'm not really seeing any other better option.



Ever try eating a lot of anti-cancer foods and less animal protein? I crush a lot of plant matter. You won't be able to really think too much and you'll spend a lot more time digesting your foods, but your body is going to be working around the clock healing itself. Most animals in nature spend all day eating plant matter, anyhow. A blender is very useful in breaking the veggies and nuts and seeds down and making them easier to digest. I blend everyday and can get at least a pound of kale in me within two days and a ton of nuts and seeds, lemons, oj and pound of beans. Because of the fiber these powerful chemicals will stay in ur body around the clock that it can use to heal/repair itself.
 

justAjohn

Member
Funnily enough, once I realised that I could kill myself without anybody stopping me I came to the conclusion that ending it might deprave me of the good that could come in the future. So far, I am not convinced but at least I want to take care of my parents until they (hopefully) peacefully depart first.
 

PanzerAzel

Member


Ever try eating a lot of anti-cancer foods and less animal protein? I crush a lot of plant matter. You won't be able to really think too much and you'll spend a lot more time digesting your foods, but your body is going to be working around the clock healing itself. Most animals in nature spend all day eating plant matter, anyhow. A blender is very useful in breaking the veggies and nuts and seeds down and making them easier to digest. I blend everyday and can get at least a pound of kale in me within two days and a ton of nuts and seeds, lemons, oj and pound of beans. Because of the fiber these powerful chemicals will stay in ur body around the clock that it can use to heal/repair itself.

The thing is, my body can't distinguish between these cells and my healthy ones. My tumor is comprised of scar tissue and my body is operating, biologically, upon the "belief" that it is healing me when it is in fact killing me. Eating well and taking steps towards a healthy lifestyle doesn't fight these cells, it in fact actively assists them and makes my disease worse. If I'm under chemo, sure, healthy eating is a necessity to help recover from the attrition of treatment, but in terms of that treatment, destruction of ALL of my cells is what is needed because there's no distinction my body can make. I essentially need to wage a war on the very process that helps me live, to live.

And I've had people over the years come to me and tell me I'm a fool for undergoing chemo, it's a scam by the big bad pharmas, that I should do this, do that, buy this snake oil and I'll be well within a year.......and ALWAYS from those whose lives aren't on the line and who hold no wager in the bet (I'm not implying you or anyone ITT are doing this, btw). I can forgive them, because despite their ignorance, I understand their advice comes only from the best of intentions. But many people have a very formulaic, step by step, dogmatic process to problem solving in the world, which they have to because it grants them the comforting notion that they are actually in control of whatever event can shift their circumstances in a heartbeat. Hopefully, they'll never have it called out and held to the fire, because I believe they will find they're going to be in for a very quick and harsh reeducation.

In the end, the only thing I've found in life that has helped is chemo. Horrible as it is, I'm living proof it works. Everything else has fallen into the pool of naive idealisms and false promises. Believe me when I say I wish that weren't so, but after two decades of living with it.....it's not there.
 
Last edited:

PanzerAzel

Member
Funnily enough, once I realised that I could kill myself without anybody stopping me I came to the conclusion that ending it might deprave me of the good that could come in the future. So far, I am not convinced but at least I want to take care of my parents until they (hopefully) peacefully depart first.
Are your parents the only thing keeping you here?
 

TaySan

Banned
Welp, my Alaskan vacation was cancelled and my father was really disappointed since this will probably be our last vacation together. :( Damn you, Covid for ruining everything.
 
I find that when I eat too many calories/fast food/sugary junk at once, I'm out of it for at least 2 hours, and 3 it's usually almost gone. For normal folk it's not an issue, but for people who are more driven by cognitive activities it really makes it seem like the world is going to end. Doesn't seem to be anyway around it. I remember watching a video where there was a mention that yoga practitioners (the real deal in South Asia etc) would only eat twice a day, around 8-12 in the morning and again around 8pm at night.

Seems like the right idea to feel good, but there's always that feeling like you're not going to have ENOUGH fuel to keep going, or when the cravings start you feel you must have. I think we've mostly forgot what real hunger is, eating constantly all the time, and it's a big reason a lot of us can feel shitty. The most productive person and smartest asshole I know eats goddamn nothing all day, except caffeinated drinks, though he did blow his thyroid eventually.
 

DunDunDunpachi

Patient MembeR
I find that when I eat too many calories/fast food/sugary junk at once, I'm out of it for at least 2 hours, and 3 it's usually almost gone. For normal folk it's not an issue, but for people who are more driven by cognitive activities it really makes it seem like the world is going to end. Doesn't seem to be anyway around it. I remember watching a video where there was a mention that yoga practitioners (the real deal in South Asia etc) would only eat twice a day, around 8-12 in the morning and again around 8pm at night.

Seems like the right idea to feel good, but there's always that feeling like you're not going to have ENOUGH fuel to keep going, or when the cravings start you feel you must have. I think we've mostly forgot what real hunger is, eating constantly all the time, and it's a big reason a lot of us can feel shitty. The most productive person and smartest asshole I know eats goddamn nothing all day, except caffeinated drinks, though he did blow his thyroid eventually.
Fasting is a healthy practice. Go for 24 hours without food and feel the clarity of getting off the sugar-cravings carousel.
 

edbrat

Member
PanzerAzel PanzerAzel your post made me feel for you dealing with your health issues, the injustice you feel comes across I'm sorry you're suffering like this. You say you wonder if all your sacrifice, all the effort you put in fighting this fight is at all worth it, and it's a tough question but an important one. What I think is that from reading your posts in this thread it is obvious you're still there despite all the shit, and that is impressive in itself. To me, it looks like you have more than a little to fight for.

And your idea to save up and go and enjoy yourself? Just do it (minus the suicide bit at the end :) noone even needs a terminal illness or elaborate reason to justify cutting loose and enjoying oneself. If everything else feels like its going to shit then what do you have to lose, hell at worst you'll have some good anecdotes to share with us once you sober up. Much strength man.
 

Cutty Flam

Banned
Welp, my Alaskan vacation was cancelled and my father was really disappointed since this will probably be our last vacation together. :( Damn you, Covid for ruining everything.
I hear you TaySan TaySan . Past three months have been filled with excruciating emotional and physical anguish for me personally. And I know most everyone is taking a hit a suffering greatly due to the Covid-19 pandemic

Mistakes are crushing me atm but I know tomorrow I can have another chance, there is another opportunity

I wont let it get to me too much. Drowning in the overflow of sadness and misery caused by my mind, or fighting in several ways instead? I have to always pick the second option if I can see it clearly in the moment

Wish I could respond and help more people, but I have to focus on myself. It’s a constant battle with no end in sight but that’s okay fuck it, if that’s how it is then it was either meant to be or meant to be changed imo. All I can do is try my best to do something and in time maybe I’ll have solutions to little problems and major problems alike. That’s the way I see it
 
Yoga! If you can physically do it. Was having a really bad day and then became deliriously happy after trying yoga for the first time in 3 months. I think I stopped before because I made it a daily obligation that I have to summon effort to start. Also tried starting 3 months before with a tougher variant than beginner. I want to join a yoga club maybe when all this blows over.

For posture I've been sitting exclusively on the floor with some meditation pillows/bench to raise my butt up, keeps back straight. Trying to undo damage from sitting in a desk chair for 10,000's of hours over 17 years.

And meditation. Basically learning to concentrate..... I feel the voodoo stuff obscures what's really happening. You're just locking your mind to one thing, and not trying to solve anything with your mind at the same time, which is what most of your thoughts are, to avoid danger as adults. It's the reason we go from happy kids to miserable adults.

Carry on lads.

 
Last edited:
I've went from insomnia with a sleep cycle that constantly gets later each day to sleeping at will but only for 2-3 hours with mad REM dreams before waking up. Doesn't feel too bad. I feel better. Putting it down to raising my bed at the head area, which I think allows me to awaken when my stomach acid starts going crazy and meditative breathing daily. It's almost like I'm having restorative sleep way earlier than I would before.

So meditative breathing. "Just focus on the breath" is difficult when you're borderline ADD. I've found myself drawn to breath holding and it makes it much easier, also with the benefit of slowing your heartrate. Breathe in, hold for a few seconds (without straining), breathe out, hold for a few seconds (try to hold off the panic breaths, it's normal).

Hope it lasts. And sorry for the blogging but just if anyone else has similar problems with possibly similar solutions it's a nice thought. These are the things nobody teaches you.
 

Tuff McNutt

Member
I've went from insomnia with a sleep cycle that constantly gets later each day to sleeping at will but only for 2-3 hours with mad REM dreams before waking up. Doesn't feel too bad. I feel better. Putting it down to raising my bed at the head area, which I think allows me to awaken when my stomach acid starts going crazy and meditative breathing daily. It's almost like I'm having restorative sleep way earlier than I would before.

So meditative breathing. "Just focus on the breath" is difficult when you're borderline ADD. I've found myself drawn to breath holding and it makes it much easier, also with the benefit of slowing your heartrate. Breathe in, hold for a few seconds (without straining), breathe out, hold for a few seconds (try to hold off the panic breaths, it's normal).

Hope it lasts. And sorry for the blogging but just if anyone else has similar problems with possibly similar solutions it's a nice thought. These are the things nobody teaches you.

The one thing I have learned after dealing with my issues is that nothing works for everyone - but you have to be willing to try different things and accept that what you have been doing isn't helping. That is what pissed me off about the mental health thread on the "old" board. It's was just a circle jerk of people using their misery as lube and no one would take any advice seriously.

I use the Calm app for meditation/breathing. I have pretty bad anxiety and it helps. I will also run the "white noise" part of the app while I sleep.

You may also want to look into a sleep study. I had one done and I was not breathing about 30 times a hour. I use a CPAP now, which is kind of a hassle, but I generally get much better quality sleep.

If you have bad acid reflux, try omeprazole. You'll have to take it for a week or 2 before you see results, but it is really helpful for me. I used to get reflux so bad that I would get into coughing fits that would make me vomit and I haven't done that in a long time since I started using it on a regular basis.
 
Great topic...as someone who has a personal history with mental illness, and now a case manager who helps individuals who have suffered/are suffering with the same things, I appreciate when people discuss the topic with others...because honestly, the best place to talk about it is with individuals you don't have a personal connection with, that deal with many of the same issues, regardless if its personal, or with a loved one.
 

TheContact

Member
Reckful killing himself hit me a lot harder than I expected it to, even though it wasn't too much of a surprise. Really, really tragic what happened to him.
 


One time, me and an ex girlfriend trespassed into an empty summer house and we stayed all night in their yard. We fucked like mad people in their pool. If that wasn't irresponsible enough, it was a very stormy night and lightning fell everywhere. She had a fake red hair, closer to orange and a weird emo cut. She was hot, but not hot enough so this is a strictly erotic memory in my mind. She was also kind of an asshole, so I have no unresolved feelings for her. I think of this and feel a melancholic yearning for the things I've been through, I see my life moving past me.

And I would sell my soul to get back to that evening just one more time, but I wouldn't do it now. That person is gone and I'm a boring adult now. I would have to go back in time and get there as early 20's me. I don't like this weepy soft music, but that person I miss does.

Anyway, I needed to share that lol. We're complicated beings. Even if you don't enjoy your life (and I absolutely didn't at that time), you will look back at it with some joy in the future. And you will be sad because you miss it. So it's a double whammy of sadness and yet it's a joyful one. Again, complicated beings. I guess this is what based japanese people call mono no aware and it's been on my mind all day.
 

Happosai

Hold onto your panties
all my friends and family have moved on or died, it's just me now and i'm feeling stuck where i am with no personal connections to anyone

dunno what i'm gonna do, maybe join the military once and for all, roam the earth for a couple months, live in the sprawl or become a farm hand somewhere

i'm tired of the industry, it was fun in my twenties but the hours were miserable and my own projects suffered

couldn't ask for a better den of cunts, thanks for keeping the lights on
You're probably one of the most optimistic blokes I know here. Just read your post.

I lost all three of my teaching jobs back in March. Selling things to get by. I developed acute insomnia, panic/anxiety attacks, and go through cycles of depression.

I have a great wife who encourages me. So, I get up early and do house work then check to see what's going on. I won't even write to family on Facebook. I feel social anxiety and Facebook is too close for comfort. So, I hang out on here.
 

ThatGamingDude

I am a virgin
Bleh
Fine

*Prophetical vague post until I get comfortable*
Having to describe how my childhood was and meeting expectations of others in more...normal...circumstances tends to destroy me.
And a new territory is added to it being in a committed in a relationship after 7-8 years of chilling with floozies
 
Top Bottom