Ray Wonder
Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
Because people have chemical addictions to the feeling of loving someone, and losing that is equal to going through withdrawal. Most times people physically can't just get over it that quickly.
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I'm completely heartbroken
- Thread starter Majine
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Because people have chemical addictions to the feeling of loving someone, and losing that is equal to going through withdrawal. Most times people physically can't just get over it that quickly.
Time, effort and also at least a fair amount of good fortune.
It's been 9 months for me, I did pretty much everything that people recommend in these situations yet fortune wasn't at my side as I lost my job, my wonderful house where I had lived for 6 years and had someone important to me die unexpectedly in the months after the breakup.
Still heartbroken, still struggling, still trying to discover the light in my existence again.
Been through some difficult breakups (including a 6 year relationship) in my past but this last one has been quite the challenge so far.
It's been 9 months for me, I did pretty much everything that people recommend in these situations yet fortune wasn't at my side as I lost my job, my wonderful house where I had lived for 6 years and had someone important to me die unexpectedly in the months after the breakup.
Still heartbroken, still struggling, still trying to discover the light in my existence again.
Been through some difficult breakups (including a 6 year relationship) in my past but this last one has been quite the challenge so far.
SprachBrooks
Member
Last year my ex did effectively the same. I believed we were essentially perfect for each other but it happens.
Only thing I can say is that it takes time; but don't start engaging in destructive behaviours such as believing it's all pointless or just self-loathing. Just try and enjoy yourself, hang out with your friends and play video games.
Only thing I can say is that it takes time; but don't start engaging in destructive behaviours such as believing it's all pointless or just self-loathing. Just try and enjoy yourself, hang out with your friends and play video games.
GreatestHits
Member
Hang in there. Most people don't understand that a demanding percentage of us are dealt an impossible hand. You have a hell of an attitude, respect
My advice: I really value being single, as I think it's important that you can only know and love someone if you know and love yourself. In a way, that sounds completely selfish to put your own needs before others, but I think you can't be in love with someone unless you love being who you are, you know? You need to be happy being a complete whole, and when you find someone that is "their own sphere", you can form a partnership that is on equal terms and respectful.
And even if it doesn't work out, you can go your separate ways and be fine in the aftermath. This is why I find it weird that our culture says that everyone's goal is to find/be in a stable relationship, or "This person is my other-half, and he/she completes me." Because if you break up or go through a fallout, half of who you are is being torn away. Of course, this is something that I think everyone needs to go through at least once, so that you can come to the realization that you need to not only be happy with yourself, as well as love yourself, before you can build towards a solid relationship.
And for all those who are rushing to find that "special someone", it's not a race. The right, complete person will come along when it's time. Just remember to take care of yourself & love yourself.
Easystride
Member
If it makes you feel better, I've been single all 26 years of my life. You gotta just keep on.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Because you didn't maintain a level of emotional independence.
Being in a relationship doesn't mean you give up your individuality, it doesn't mean you invest everything in this person who doesn't really owe you anything either. That's the problem people have with relationships, they over invest and when things go wrong, they are left feeling hopeless, empty, heartbroken because that person was "my everything", they were "my world", they were "the one".
Nah, you just over-invested and didn't take enough care of your own emotional security. Learn from it, learn that this other person isn't everything and you shouldn't invest everything into them.
Lots of good advice already in this thread. But it's time to realize there is no "the one" or soulmates. There are people who have comparable lifestyles and ideals and even then relationships take work from both parties.
Chances are you'll get over this and meet a new girl who is even better.
Chances are you'll get over this and meet a new girl who is even better.
Miles Quaritch
Member
I know how intoxicating that feeling is, but that still doesn't mean your entire life has to revolve that one aspect. If that's all you care about, you will start to come off as desperate and that will turn into bitterness and you're left with a unhealthy view of relationships and romance.
See romantic encounters as a supplement to life, not the primary driver. They make life better, they aren't just what life is all about.
I know how you feel bro. Similar happened to me four months ago. Like you I got that wishy-washy "I don't know how I feel" thing. It was a long distance relationship so I felt like I had no choice but to leave.
The friends thing is difficult. I think you should either make a decision to work on it, or break up. There is no in between. Don't be surprised if she isn't willing to work on it though. 9 times outta 10 the uncertainty is an act. She wants to break up but doesn't have the courage to be blunt about it. It hurts but there is nothing you can do.
There is no magic bullet to feeling better. We all wish there was. Time will heal but until then try to stay active and positive.
One piece of personal advice - don't try to move on too quickly. After a month I went on Tinder and began dating a girl for over two months. Once the initial buzz faded I was left thinking about my ex even more and comparing the two. I had to be honest with myself and admit it was just a rebound. It wasn't fair on the new girl and I made an even bigger mess which upset her and has set me back a bit.
You are gonna feel pain. You just have to let yourself get through it naturally. It happens to us all. Stay strong.
The friends thing is difficult. I think you should either make a decision to work on it, or break up. There is no in between. Don't be surprised if she isn't willing to work on it though. 9 times outta 10 the uncertainty is an act. She wants to break up but doesn't have the courage to be blunt about it. It hurts but there is nothing you can do.
There is no magic bullet to feeling better. We all wish there was. Time will heal but until then try to stay active and positive.
One piece of personal advice - don't try to move on too quickly. After a month I went on Tinder and began dating a girl for over two months. Once the initial buzz faded I was left thinking about my ex even more and comparing the two. I had to be honest with myself and admit it was just a rebound. It wasn't fair on the new girl and I made an even bigger mess which upset her and has set me back a bit.
You are gonna feel pain. You just have to let yourself get through it naturally. It happens to us all. Stay strong.
Spring Drive
Banned
You shouldn't depend on other people to be happy. Be happy on your own, then other people will like you
Ichabod
Banned
I feel for you OP. I recently went through a break up that gutted me emotionally. Its going on two months now and I still have good days and bad days, but I've moved on. It was hard at first. I would literally be reminded of her everywhere I went; A song we listened to on one of our first dates, a reference to a movie she loved, a funny picture in my news feed that I know she'd dig, would destroy me. Worse, we work at the same place, so I still see her regularly.
The best advice I can give, in addition to what the others have said about time healing all wounds, is DO NOT LOOK BACK. Cut off all ties and don't try to find out what your ex is doing. For the first few weeks I made my pain ten times worse by stalking her Instagram. I was like a version of Jacob from Jacob's Ladder: (Jacob's Ladder spoilers)
Once I stepped back and embraced the fact I had done everything I could possibly do to make things work, I let go and immediately felt peace.
The best advice I can give, in addition to what the others have said about time healing all wounds, is DO NOT LOOK BACK. Cut off all ties and don't try to find out what your ex is doing. For the first few weeks I made my pain ten times worse by stalking her Instagram. I was like a version of Jacob from Jacob's Ladder: (Jacob's Ladder spoilers)
i.e. I was living in a hell of my own creation and the demons that tormented me each day were born of my inability to accept reality and let go.
GreatestHits
Member
Excuse my frankness, but
Are you my ex? F this advice. I would assume you have a lot of sex appeal and not much emotional strength
TheOfficeMut
Unconfirmed Member
This happened to me three months ago. Was with my gf for 3.5 years. We were both in the same graduate program and are working professionals with aspirations to pursue a PhD and make it in our fields. Anyway, like I always do, I started brainstorming out loud with her what to do after our MPA, whether to pursue a PhD now or later, so on and so forth. Simultaneously, I received a new job offer that differed in no way to my then-current job with regard to schedule, but at the same time I was attempting to keep my older job as a part-time gig because I would have been paid approximately 20-25 hours per week for what amounted to 5-10 hours of work from ANYWHERE, be it home or in the office, so I thought it naive to turn down extra income, especially since we both desperately need it.
Turns out she thought I wasn't thinking of our future, which is bogus because we always discussed moving in and marriage and were very much serious and in love with each other. She suggested that I would be too occupied for us and that I should take a break to determine whether the part time job would interfere with our time, which is counterintuitive because I would need to be actively dating her in order to see if I'd be able to make it work.
Anyway, after a week of glossing over most of what should have been evident at first, I didn't feel like going back. I don't know if it was her attempt to rustle some leaves to feel cared for or to see how far I would go for her, but I couldn't justify being with someone who couldn't handle the idea of being with someone who is busy with work and school. Worse yet, she wants to do the same things and naturally as adults seeking to move up the corporate ladder, we would be getting busier. But as of right then I was working 9-5 with some hours from home for the part time job and planning to pursue a PhD by 2018 at the latest, but because she freaked out now, I couldn't and didn't want to return because I knew I'd feel like I am walking on eggshells.
It sucks because I always encouraged her to be as proactive and successful as possible while maintaining I'd still be by her side, but I don't think she was able to express the same feelings without wanting to breakup because she needed more time or attention.
To your topic, OP, I mention all of this because for the first two months I was depressed and not doing too well, until I really came into my own and convinced myself, for better or worse, that if she couldn't handle me working a 9-5 and a few hours at a part time job, with the prospect of a PhD in the future, even though she was looking toward a PhD as well, then it wasn't meant to be. If she feels this way now, then it's only going to get worse in the future and I didn't want to try to make it work because I felt it would be futile anyway. It also didn't feel very fair to me.
Convince yourself that she is doing what's best for her. Channel that thought because it'll make you a little angry and possibly propel you to say, "Well, fuck it, if she can work on herself then so can I." You are your best friend. Improve yourself and work toward your goals. She is but a component to your life that is replaceable. You are the main hardware. Replace what doesn't work or eliminate it all together. Think of this as a stepping stone with regard to experience and freedom.
Turns out she thought I wasn't thinking of our future, which is bogus because we always discussed moving in and marriage and were very much serious and in love with each other. She suggested that I would be too occupied for us and that I should take a break to determine whether the part time job would interfere with our time, which is counterintuitive because I would need to be actively dating her in order to see if I'd be able to make it work.
Anyway, after a week of glossing over most of what should have been evident at first, I didn't feel like going back. I don't know if it was her attempt to rustle some leaves to feel cared for or to see how far I would go for her, but I couldn't justify being with someone who couldn't handle the idea of being with someone who is busy with work and school. Worse yet, she wants to do the same things and naturally as adults seeking to move up the corporate ladder, we would be getting busier. But as of right then I was working 9-5 with some hours from home for the part time job and planning to pursue a PhD by 2018 at the latest, but because she freaked out now, I couldn't and didn't want to return because I knew I'd feel like I am walking on eggshells.
It sucks because I always encouraged her to be as proactive and successful as possible while maintaining I'd still be by her side, but I don't think she was able to express the same feelings without wanting to breakup because she needed more time or attention.
To your topic, OP, I mention all of this because for the first two months I was depressed and not doing too well, until I really came into my own and convinced myself, for better or worse, that if she couldn't handle me working a 9-5 and a few hours at a part time job, with the prospect of a PhD in the future, even though she was looking toward a PhD as well, then it wasn't meant to be. If she feels this way now, then it's only going to get worse in the future and I didn't want to try to make it work because I felt it would be futile anyway. It also didn't feel very fair to me.
Convince yourself that she is doing what's best for her. Channel that thought because it'll make you a little angry and possibly propel you to say, "Well, fuck it, if she can work on herself then so can I." You are your best friend. Improve yourself and work toward your goals. She is but a component to your life that is replaceable. You are the main hardware. Replace what doesn't work or eliminate it all together. Think of this as a stepping stone with regard to experience and freedom.
OP, you know it will get better, but that improved future does not seem very palpable to you. We understand. But focus on the simple pleasures of life that will never go away: play games, friends, eat chocolate, improve yourself, etc. Take it easy with yourself, you have no pressure, just a responsibility to enjoy the beautiful life you have beyond the breakup, out of respect for the less fortunate. Keep your chin up!
tkscz
Member
Best thing to do is give yourself time. It's going to hurt, nothing you can do about that, but try and keep focus on the aspects of life that make you happy. You'll get over here. Sooner or later she'll be just another drop in the pool that's your life. Also, NEVER ASSUME SOMEONE IS THE ONE. Even after marriage. Not saying that to be cynical or anything but never make that assumption. Let life take it's course with love man.
boiled goose
good with gravy
I understand the feeling of pointlessness.
Time.
Get busy.
Time.
Get busy.
Draconestra
Member
Hey OP, this was me a little over two months ago. Like you, we left the door open because we still loved each other. We broke up amicably because she wasn't entirely ready to fully commit yet. She felt like she needed to experience some stuff in life before settling down. I being older on the other hand already had an idea of what I wanted in life. So, understanding that we were at different points in our lives we tried to stay friends.
It worked for a while. Unfortunately, we couldn't share mutual friends. Drama ensued all from her and she made my life a living hell. A little over two weeks ago I cut contact from her completely like I should have, and I feel a lot better. So far, my life has actually improved! I'm working out, I have new friends and things to do. It's actually pretty awesome. Of course, I still miss my ex because she was nice to talk to. However, I know better. Because of all the BS she put me through, I closed that door permanently. This is what you need to do OP, close that door for good. Mourn your loss, don't bottle it up, accept it, and close the door.
I hope you get better, and if you feel like talking you're more than welcome to PM me.
It worked for a while. Unfortunately, we couldn't share mutual friends. Drama ensued all from her and she made my life a living hell. A little over two weeks ago I cut contact from her completely like I should have, and I feel a lot better. So far, my life has actually improved! I'm working out, I have new friends and things to do. It's actually pretty awesome. Of course, I still miss my ex because she was nice to talk to. However, I know better. Because of all the BS she put me through, I closed that door permanently. This is what you need to do OP, close that door for good. Mourn your loss, don't bottle it up, accept it, and close the door.
I hope you get better, and if you feel like talking you're more than welcome to PM me.
This could not be more spot on.
Miles Quaritch
Member
There is some truth to that advice, but it's not something that anyone should immediately after a break up. There needs to be some introspection, time taken to work through the feelings and emotions, time for self reflection and self criticism of how you behaved and what needs to be different next time, only then should you realistically begin the process of finding someone new.
But that shouldn't take months either, we're talking weeks.
Good Guy Gone Bad
Member
Let it burn for a few months and then move on. Cease contact and find things to occupy your time.
You'll be over it before you know it
You'll be over it before you know it
Ignatz Mouse
Banned
Story of my (very happy) life.
OP, I suggest dating. I did right after my breakup, and it was horrible and awkward, but it also helped get myself over her. My first date is super-cringey to think about in hindsight, but it was also a milestone. Have a casual date with no expectations, just to get talking with somebody else.
Everyone has their own timeframe. I just know that for me "weeks" wasn't enough, and I wished I hadn't done it. But maybe in time I'll look back and be glad I learned lessons there too.
I think my problem is I am too self-loathing, so I put all my love in someone else without reserving some for my own, so it creates the "The one" situation, and it made it a lot worse when you're been rejected.
I don't know how to love myself when I have no one to love me. She did that job for me.
I don't know how to love myself when I have no one to love me. She did that job for me.
GreatestHits
Member
Well you exposed the problem. Start the epic journey of loving yourself. It's harder than your dick and more rewarding than walking on Mars
Top tip.
My first big break up of the Facebook era I made the mistake of not doing this for months, and added a lot of unnecessary time to the recover process.
Your not alone, OP. This happens on a regular basis, always feels like the end of the world, but in virtually every case it isn't. Time is a great healer. Keep busy, pour your energy into advancing your work or hobbies, and make sure you get out and about on a regular basis. With friends if you can, just generally out in public if you can't.
EDIT: Don't forget to look after your health too. Eat good shit, and get whatever exercise you can.
This, no other way about it, nothing else will help, sadly, but staying busy will at least keep your mind off overthinking things for a while. Hit the gym, start something new.
Bloody_Five
Banned
First, however painful it might be, remember that it's better for this to happen now rather than later when you have kids,a house etc...
If you decided to break-up, there was probably a good reason for it.
A powerful and 100 million years old mate selection-program is running on your system background.
Now, I don't now if this will help or not but there is a scientific explanation for what is happening to you.
it was explained by Professor Henri Laborit, the father of neuroleptic medecine.
Very basically, when you are with someone, your brain receives positive feedback.
Example: you see her/him, he/she smiles, you feel good because the image of this person triggers the release of some hormones (dopamine) in your brain.
When the person leaves or dies, the positive feedback is stopped but your brain got used to it and is asking for it, thus causing pain.
To oversimplify, it's like going cold-turkey on chemical feedback.
It's pretty much the brain equivalent of the phantom limb phenomenon.
I have oversimplified for the sake of clarity but the key mechanism is still the same.
Just know that the pain is the sign of your body working normally and has a new chemical equilibrium is established, things will get better with time.
EDIT: As some people suggested, keeping your mind busy with something else is a good way to trick your brain and lessen the pain.
If you decided to break-up, there was probably a good reason for it.
A powerful and 100 million years old mate selection-program is running on your system background.
Now, I don't now if this will help or not but there is a scientific explanation for what is happening to you.
it was explained by Professor Henri Laborit, the father of neuroleptic medecine.
Very basically, when you are with someone, your brain receives positive feedback.
Example: you see her/him, he/she smiles, you feel good because the image of this person triggers the release of some hormones (dopamine) in your brain.
When the person leaves or dies, the positive feedback is stopped but your brain got used to it and is asking for it, thus causing pain.
To oversimplify, it's like going cold-turkey on chemical feedback.
It's pretty much the brain equivalent of the phantom limb phenomenon.
I have oversimplified for the sake of clarity but the key mechanism is still the same.
Just know that the pain is the sign of your body working normally and has a new chemical equilibrium is established, things will get better with time.
EDIT: As some people suggested, keeping your mind busy with something else is a good way to trick your brain and lessen the pain.
Draconestra
Member
Everyone has that problem at some point, but it's good that you're aware of it. I'm still working on that myself. Recently I also realized that my relationship was mostly about my ex. I did everything and anything for her and her child, but I neglected my own happiness. I didn't stand my ground, and when I did I was emotionally sabotaged so my ex could get her way. I was way too deep in that relationship to realize how emotionally abusive it was. Now things are clearer and I know it would never work out between us.
Also agree with everyone about "The One". There's no "The One", and you need to stop thinking that way. There's tons of great women out there, and you'll eventually bump into the right one, two, or more. Just think of this as a learning experience.
Well, what were her concerns about the future? Financial? Lifestyle? Affection?
I'm asking because with different circumstances you're gonna have to do different measures to pick yourself back up together. It's gonna be shit for a few days, but don't try to make it miserable intentionally by punishing yourself.
I'm asking because with different circumstances you're gonna have to do different measures to pick yourself back up together. It's gonna be shit for a few days, but don't try to make it miserable intentionally by punishing yourself.
Reckheim
Member
If you don't remember her phone number from memory, delete that as well.
Be glad you actually got to talk about it with her. My ex fucked me up by just disappearing then after about a week I was having a panic attack from finals in school and that I had no idea where she was. I started to imagine she was ignoring me and when I finally got mad in one of messages I finally got a response and it quickly turned into we should break up over text when I had just spent a week worrying if she was hurt or something. I never got to see her in person again after our last date that actually went really well. It was brutal and I was devastated for a few months but I can say I got over it and am now extremely happy because I have found a person for me that is 10x better and I would've never found her had I not been looking because of what happened.
Just learn to enjoy being single and work on yourself and do some deep thinking about who you are, don't let the memory of them continue to impact you for too long. They didn't think you were important enough to stay in their life so you owe it to yourself to respect yourself and not stay miserable. Chances are after finding yourself and being happy again that will attract someone else into your life that will be even better than you could've hoped and you'll realize the last one wasn't the be all end all. Good luck man! I understand the feeling but life is still good and it goes on.
Just learn to enjoy being single and work on yourself and do some deep thinking about who you are, don't let the memory of them continue to impact you for too long. They didn't think you were important enough to stay in their life so you owe it to yourself to respect yourself and not stay miserable. Chances are after finding yourself and being happy again that will attract someone else into your life that will be even better than you could've hoped and you'll realize the last one wasn't the be all end all. Good luck man! I understand the feeling but life is still good and it goes on.
lordfuzzybutt
Member
This post just reminded me that I still remember my ex's number from 8 years ago.
Hey OP, I went through an absolutely brutal breakup about 8 months ago where my girlfriend of 4.5 years dumped me out of the blue (the reality is she was likely fucking one of my friends at the time). So please trust me when I say that the best things you can do are;
- Keep yourself busy
- Surround yourself with some friends and family
- Do shit you enjoy doing
Miles Quaritch
Member
Sure, but sometimes you need give people a push. It's not healthy for someone to still be getting over a break up six months later. It shows they aren't actually dealing with the issues.
User 479360
Banned
Stay busy. Good luck, friend.
Just try to keep moving.
Just try to keep moving.
I'd add 'remember to drink fluids' to that list but apart from that I agree whole heartedly.
SamuelSupreme
Banned
Its hard man. But the thing about heartbreak is that it teaies you about yourself and what you want from a relationship. Also none of this take a break shit. Youre either in or youre not. there is no in between.
andythinkpad
Member
If she doesn't want to share the future with you, there is no saving it.
kavanf1
Member
Try to stay busy, signing up for a Gym might be a good idea, that's what I did.
And one important advice, never call or contact her unless she wants to, it will only make you feel miserable if you keep getting rejected. I'd say completely abandon the idea of even getting back together, but I know how hard it is. I hated when people told me this back when I was dumped but really, there are worse things in life you will survive this.
And one important advice, never call or contact her unless she wants to, it will only make you feel miserable if you keep getting rejected. I'd say completely abandon the idea of even getting back together, but I know how hard it is. I hated when people told me this back when I was dumped but really, there are worse things in life you will survive this.
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