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[demon]

Well, I just felt a need to rant. For a few hours I've been in this really weird mood......kinda of a feeling like I'm buzzed, but without the goodness you get from it. Kind of a weird lethargic, slightly depressed, don't-really-feel-like-doing-anything-but-still-anxious-to-do-something mood......I had had a couple drinks about an hour before I started feeling like this, but I've had way more to drink and never felt like this before.
(just-finished-the-post note: that feeling is now gone, lol)

Anyway, I was thinking maybe it had something to do with my situation and the direction my life is taking. I guess I should be thankful for it, but I feel kind of weird and conflicted about it.

I'm about to go into my last semester of school at UW Madison in which I'll be taking on course (another senior year...), and I'll be moving into an apartment close to campus, and plan to live here indefinitely. I'm almost 23, and my parents will be buying me my first car (which I'm not gonna argue with, considering they bought my 16 year old sister a car a few months ago). I'll be getting some part-time job, and maybe eventually a full-time job. My parents are willing to financially support me for a while, and I'm not gonna feel guilty about it...they already feel guilty enough for raising me the way they did through highschool and not letting me do my own thing and 'explore my interests' (my dads words), so I suppose this is their way for making it up to me.

Today I looked around for apartments, found a nice studio apartment in a nice area next to a lake and fairly close to the campus (about a 5-10 minute walk to State Street if you're familiar with the area), and decided to sign the contract tomorrow.

Anyway, one of the reasons I wanted to do this was because college absolutely sucked for me, from the first month I was an introvert, a recluse, reserved, whatever you want to call it...basically I was shy, had social anxieties, was kind of depressed, and really didn't have much in the way of a social life through college, never really met any girls....I don't really need to go on. Last september I made a vow to change and improve myself, and I've been trying to since then; I got in good shape, tried to conquer my anxieties, improving my people skills, etc. So I feel like I've improved, but that my social life really hasn't...yet. Doesn't matter though, cuz it's too late, since college is pretty much over now. And that thought has had me pretty depressed for a while now......kinda funny how I was more content with my life before I started to improve it and met a girl and got a brief taste of what I've been missing out on all these years.

So, I guess I've felt as though sticking around campus, I'd feel like I would have sort of a second chance at a normal semi-college social life. Obviously I won't be going to college, but it's a huge campus, and a great college town, and....well you'd know if you're familiar with the school. I was hoping I would make the best of my last bit of college, and find a job that would be conducive to meeting people and building connections......if anyone has any ideas on that, too, please feel free to add.

But I've been wondering how good of an idea this is....even though, I suppose, it's the only real alternative I had to moving back in with my mom, and I'd rather doze off in the garage with the ignition on than do that. Is sticking around the area just because I felt like I didn't make the most of it during college a good idea?
On the one hand, it seems people tend to get sick of their campus and school area by the time they're done with college and want to move the hell away.
On the other hand, I really do feel like I wasted my college life, and I really did not experience the "college life" in any way. Nor did I do a lot of stuff around and outside of the campus.....I've been here five years, and last semester I met a girl and we became 'friends', or something, and we ended up going to tons of places (mostly restaurants) that she was familiar with and I'd never even been to....just to give you an idea.
So, I don't know if this more emotional reason for wanting to stick around....feeling like I didn't take full advantage of the place during college....is a good reason for living up here after I graduate.

And then there's that girl I mentioned. I won't...can't...get into that, because it's such a long fucking story, but it started off as kind of a potential relationship thingy, but got a bit strange and now I have a friendship-like relationship with her, although she's never done anything to explicitly tell me I'm in the "just friends" zone.....but again, won't get into that. Anyways, she' the only person I really know up her now, even though we don't hang out a whole lot, and I'm pretty sure that her being up here isn't a reason I wanted to live up here. I thought long and hard about it to make sure, and I am pretty sure she has nothing to do with my decision...at least, directly.
But then again, I think to a year later when she should be graduating, and it sounds like she wants to move away when she does....I picture her moving away, and it makes me more depressed about living here. Almost like a reason why I want to live here would suddenly be gone.....and like I said, I don't want her to be a reason for me living up here. So again, I'm worried about the true reasons for me wanting to live here, and when I think about her leaving it kinda feels like she'd be "moving on" while I'd still be living around campus. But I dunno.....hopefully by then I will have met more people, more girls, and the thought of her moving away won't make me so depressed.

bleh, I should end this post now....didn't think it would be so long. I'm just really confused and conflicted over all of this, frightened about graduating, and really depressed about my "social life" in college and how college is just about over for me.....and I'll be leaving college with no real friends, no actual useful degree, no real goals or big ambitions or 'passions', and in some ways I feel like my life is coming to an end because of that. But I am kind of excited about finally living on my own, having an apartment and finally a fucking car to drive off the fucking campus, and the possible prospect of being in a different environment that might be conducive to meeting people (some kind of job). So....I dunno, I guess I have no question, really. You read this all for nothing...HA! unless you skipped to the end, in that case...fuck you. and if my browser crashes after I hit the submit button, I'm blowing up the fucking world.

 

[Deleted member 1235]

sounds like you need to make a last ditch effort to shag that girl. you could hang around campus for a little while, but don't become that old dude that likes to act young. fuck that guy. Go get a decent room mate who is cool and can teach you shit, hang out with his mates meet some chicks he knows.

College is fuck all anyways, personally I can't wait till my 30's I've got 5 years left till then, 5 years left to get rich and then live the good life. ah yeah.

 

[The Shadow]

Ok. I'll admit that I tappered off a bit toward the end (South Park is on).

However, I got the jist of it. Let me just say that there is no standard "College Life" that you need to live through. That's just a silly expectation you probably got from watching all those goofy college wackyness movies and MTV Spring Break.

There is no single rule that says you need to do that kind of thing in order to enjoy college. I think just expecting that lifestyle is making you miserable, like you're missing the big party boat.

Don't feel like you need to be on that boat. You don't. And don't feel like this one girl you've got the hots for is your soul mate. You're going to meet a good 12-15 more before you find one you can really marry. Don't get hooked on one single girl if you're not even in a real relationship with her.

 

[Socreges]

I would like to help you out. I'm just afraid that an older person with more wisdom (such as -jinx- or WasabiKing) will come in and ruin anything I have to say.

Well, I think I know what you're going through. That's not to say 'I've been there', but I understand. Moreso than simply laying that friend of yours, I think finding a decent job with people you can talk to and become friends with would be much more important. It would be a very different social environment, but it would replace college's constant potential for socializing that you're going to miss.

Don't cling to the one girl. You'll only scare her away. Stay friends with her as long as possible, of course, but you really need to continue building your social skills. In fact, use her (in a good way) to meet new people. Do different things with her, rather than just going to restaurants.

I've got a friend who I've known since kindergarten. He's a social-retard, pure and simple. He's awesome around me because we've known each other forever, but he gets immediately introverted as soon as unfamiliar people are around. I've tried so much to help him, but encouraging words can only do so much. His brain has been shaped and molded a certain way for 20 years and it will only take more experience for him to turn things around. He desperately wants to make more friends, but is always reluctant to take the necessary steps.

You strike me as being similar. So I'm reluctant to begin suggesting 'ways to live', but I can at least shout out some ideas.

- Get a job that will facilitate socializing. Even if that means a little less money.
- No regrets. Easier said than done, I know, but the moment you begin putting the past behind you, the less anxious you are about the future.
- Try not to care so much about what other people think. It just, of course, makes things much more difficult. My friend, for instance, is always concerned that he'll say something stupid. But everyone will at some point. Just never stop talking after you do. Act like it's nothing because it IS nothing. People are more judgmental of the person who has a big problem with saying something stupid than the ones that do, but move on.
- And dude, do not drink anytime you're alone and depressed. That's a horrible habit. Go for a walk. Clear your mind. Use those times to think things through and maybe get some ideas or [ideally] some new perspectives on life.

[edit] btw, good on you for exercising. I'm sure you've realized how great it can be for your psyche. Working out or playing sports always puts me in good spirits afterwards. Maybe because I'm too exhausted to be upset about anything. (well, actually because the body releases those awesome endorphins, but hey..)

 

[Musashi Wins!]

I don't want this to sound negative or like crotchety old man but....you sound like the type of guy that needs to grab life by the balls a little bit. It's nice that mom and dad want to set you up a bit, they must feel a bit of guilt for contributing to your present neuroticism. That said, lingering in your well well thought over atmosphere doesn't sound like it's necessarily the best move for you. I'd suggest that you do your best to leave the past in the past and not attempt to eke out more of an opportunity at the schoolgrounds. If you can get moving you'll be surprised at the adventures that can await you in a whole NEW life. Yea, easier said than done, and rather vague, but just my two cents at having read your entry.

 

[NetMapel]

My answer to you would be to join some clubs at your school. Sport clubs, racial clubs, socializing clubs, and academic clubs are all good clubs to join.

 

[demon]

Ok. I'll admit that I tappered off a bit toward the end (South Park is on).

However, I got the jist of it. Let me just say that there is no standard "College Life" that you need to live through. That's just a silly expectation you probably got from watching all those goofy college wackyness movies and MTV Spring Break.

There is no single rule that says you need to do that kind of thing in order to enjoy college. I think just expecting that lifestyle is making you miserable, like you're missing the big party boat.

Don't feel like you need to be on that boat. You don't. And don't feel like this one girl you've got the hots for is your soul mate. You're going to meet a good 12-15 more before you find one you can really marry. Don't get hooked on one single girl if you're not even in a real relationship with her.

You don't understand....I didn't do shit in college. I know there is no "one" college life, but I didn't even have "a" college life. Seriously. I'm almost embarrassed to go into detail.
Plus, with this girl, I'm not even wanting a "relationship" at this point. She's a cool friend to have, but being really attracted to her kind of...complicates things. And I know that she was, at least at some point, attracted to me and 'interested' in me.

Don't cling to the one girl. You'll only scare her away. Stay friends with her as long as possible, of course, but you really need to continue building your social skills. In fact, use her (in a good way) to meet new people. Do different things with her, rather than just going to restaurants.

Yeah I haven't been clingy with her, I've avoided that really well....in fact she often tells me I'm "impossible to get ahold of", and she got back in touch with me after last semester was over and we didn't talk for several weeks, lol. But that whole situation is just a bit strange, and again, it'd take way too long to get into that.

Anyways, so yeah, I guess my main objective at this point is to find a job that would be as conducive as possible to meeting people. I really have no idea what to look for with that in mind, so again, any advice on that, folks......please!

And I don't think I'm so much a "social retard" as I am just shy. I know there are some real anti-socials out there whom anyone would peg as "fuckin weird" after getting to know for five minutes, and I'm not one of them. I know that this girl, at least on some levels, enjoys spending time with me, and I'm comfortable around her and can have fun with her, nice little convos, tease her a bit, and so on. And I think I do have more confidence and charisma than I sometimes give myself credit for. I just have a hard time really connecting with people and finding things to relate to them with, and after all these years have developed a genuine fear of 'rejection' after or while getting to know me, so that just makes it hard to even attempt getting to know people, approaching them, etc.

- And dude, do not drink anytime you're alone and depressed. That's a horrible habit. Go for a walk. Clear your mind. Use those times to think things through and maybe get some ideas or [ideally] some new perspectives on life.

Okay, I'll admit I sometimes drink by myself (although I really don't get full-fledged drunk alone), but yesterday I just had a couple drinks at a restaurant with my mom when she was in town, helping me look for apartments (I signed the lease today....ParkView apartments in Madison btw, if you're familiar with the area). And I don't know why I was feeling so weird last night.....again, it felt like l was 'buzzed', but not in a good way. As Barney Gumble said, "Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?"

I don't want this to sound negative or like crotchety old man but....you sound like the type of guy that needs to grab life by the balls a little bit. It's nice that mom and dad want to set you up a bit, they must feel a bit of guilt for contributing to your present neuroticism. That said, lingering in your well well thought over atmosphere doesn't sound like it's necessarily the best move for you. I'd suggest that you do your best to leave the past in the past and not attempt to eke out more of an opportunity at the schoolgrounds. If you can get moving you'll be surprised at the adventures that can await you in a whole NEW life. Yea, easier said than done, and rather vague, but just my two cents at having read your entry.

Yeah I know.....that's one thing I was worried about. But like I said, this place is more than a campus. It really is a nice, big college town, and more. And living in a different environment and having a job (and a car) instead of going to school, and hopefully meeting new people, I think my situation will be different enough.

 

[Tekky]

Howdy!

I've got some advice. It's probably going to sound stupid, but here goes:

First off, life is never so bad as you think it is. It's easy to get depressed about shit. But often times, if you try to explain your problems to someone, and you have a hard time doing so, it's because your problems aren't really as bad as you feel they are.

You seem to have zero external problems, near as I can tell. It's all in your head, as they say. You probably realize that, too, and that doesn't really make it any easier, I know. But just the fact that you don't have any big external problems (like huge debt, people who hate you, kids, etc.) puts you leagues ahead in this world, and you should try to consider that an "opportunity".

I understand that it's very difficult to deal with problems of your own personality. I've got a few myself, and mostly I don't worry about them so much, since it doesn't really matter. But that's actually part of the problem: figuring out what matters and finding the motivation to do something about, and then doing something and sticking with the program.

It looks like you're still in the early steps here, but you seem to want to do something, and you've started to make some plans. That's great. You're already miles ahead of the people who are just suffering and not doing anything about it.

Let me tell you what to do about being shy: You can look at being shy as a deficiency syndrome. You're "afraid" of certain social situations, and therefore you avoid them. Well, the bad news is that if you want to conquer your shyness, what you need to do is to start putting yourself in a lot of these social situations that you're afraid of. As you practice dealing with them, your shyness will diminish.

You can do this by starting with "low risk" situations. Start talking to people on the street. Ask questions, like how to get somewhere, or where a good pizza place is, or anything. It doesn't matter if you know the area like the back of your hand; that's not the point; the point is to talk. You'll find that most people are friendly and want to help you out.

Learn to chit-chat. Try to remember interesting bits of trivia that may be useful in conversation. Memorize some jokes; practice telling them to yourself. I always tend to forget stuff like this, but every now and then I do remember something, and it helps out a lot.

Once you feel comfortable that you're "armed" with some material and some skills, it becomes much easier to deal with all kinds of social situations.

Anyhow, that's enough about socializing.

You also mentioned about "wasting" your school life. I think that's pretty much rubbish. Lots of people just go to school, study, take classes, and don't really do anything else. Actually, lots of people don't go to school, go to a dead-end job, and don't really do anything else. You're only talking about 4 years. I went to graduate school for 10 years, and I can tell you, it didn't feel like 10 years of "living".

The opportunities you need to be thinking about are the ones ahead of you, not the ones behind you. I'd encourage you to get involved in some kind of group activity, whether it's a job in a social situation, a volunteer group, or even just getting a few friends over each week for a regular movie night (try to get at least 4 people together; that seems like the "critical mass" needed for a decent discussion, though at least 2 need to be "talkers").

Last piece of advice: if you ever want a relationship with a girl to move beyond "friends", then you need to be the one who makes the plan and suggests what to do. Generally speaking, you don't get what you don't ask for. And if you don't know how to ask, sometimes just the blunt approach works fine (a poorly-phrased question will generally have much better results than no question).

Anyway, hope you find something useful in what I've typed. Last words of wisdom: don't worry too much about what other people think; but do spend time figuring out what you want and what resources you can use to achieve it.

 

[MrAngryFace]

Life isnt a race, so dont sweat that part. Most relationships are self destructive, so dont sweat that either. You could die tomorrow, so dont really sweat life too much either.

Im 24 finishing another useless degree, and moving back to WA to start from scratch, and I MEAN scratch. I owe people money, my bills are late, and the constant moving hasnt provided any lasting relationships.

Life is actually sorta dumb, come to think of it. Send some booze my way.

 

[karasu]

I'm moving to Seattle in a few weeks and I have nowhere to live lol.

 

[MrAngryFace]

ill be in Kent by October, you me and drinky should hang out and you can teach us kung fu.

 

[Iceman]

Jeez, demon! come hang out at my place and we'll shoot the breeze about your next steps in life as we shoot other people in Halo.

I'm on the south side, on badger rd just off fish hatchery and the beltline. Contact me if you ever want to hang out. I'm still here for another year at least.

 

[skip]

as someone who graduated from uw-madison, you're definitely not alone in feeling like you missed out on a lot of the social aspects. as great a campus as it is, I often felt it was way too big and ended up living off-campus (emerald st., represent!) and only hanging out with a handful of friends in my last two+ years there. three years later, I'm in an entirely different part of the country doing something completely unrelated to my degree and with good friends I had no idea I'd ever meet, so I think in the end I wouldn't put too much stock in it. you're still young, all the stuff you feel you may have missed out on is still out there in one form or another.

I've also learned that setting a goal of "changing yourself" rarely works, because as soon as you suffer a setback in one part of the plan, the whole operation seems doomed. just start changing small stuff that you feel you might want to change. and if it doesn't work, either change back to the old way or find another way. write out a list, work it out in your head...you've got time.

and dear god, do not stay in madison because of a girl. that experience I've had first-hand. it really does seem like you're going through a lot of what I went through 2000/2001 in madison.

 

[slayn]

people should just learn to be happy alone.

I started out the same as you. I had fits of depression and anxiety because of my shyness/never been out with a girl/don't have a social life.

I decided to improve myself and my parents gave me a social anxiety disorder book. I decided that at such and such a moment, my life was going to be different. Before I did so, I went for a walk. I found my way into this small forrest, laid back against a tree, and just started to think. I sat there for a good 6 hours. Thinking.

I came to 3 realizations.

I have lived my life the way I have, not because of having a fucked up mental condition, but because of who I am.

I prefer to be alone. There is nothing more peaceful and I never feel the heighest levels of hapiness unless I am alone.

I have never really felt what it is like to be "lonely." All I had ever felt was guilt for not wanting the same things as everyone else.

After realizing those, I came to the conclusion that the only real problem I had was I was unhappy because there are things in life I hadn't yet experienced that society dictates I should have by now. I didn't actually care myself about those things, I only cared because everyone else says thats the way it should be. All of this, all of my problems, all of my depression, amounted from one fuckload of a "grass is always greener" dilemma.

Since that moment I have spent the rest of my life alone and happy.

 

[skip]

relevant book recommendation: status anxiety, by alain de botton. talks about how people view themselves in relation to what other people have and what they do.

 

[karasu]

ill be in Kent by October, you me and drinky should hang out and you can teach us kung fu.

I can dig it.

 

[MrAngryFace]

slayn pretty much hit the situation on the head. Until you treat your life as your own, you'll always been unhappy and/or lost in the thrall.

 

[happyfunball]

go to grad school.....put real world on hold....get some pussy

 

[The Shadow]

You don't understand....I didn't do shit in college. I know there is no "one" college life, but I didn't even have "a" college life. Seriously. I'm almost embarrassed to go into detail.

Your problem isn't that you didn't have a college life, it's that you expected to have one, or expected someone else's college life to be your own. Wanting a college life is doing you more harm than the actual lack of one.

As soon as you drop that expectation and realize that your happiness isn't there, the depression will end. Hanging around campus waiting for it to appear isn't going to make it happen either.

Probably not the most sympathetic thing to say but it's true. Moping around won't make it happen. If you really truly think a college life, whatever that may be, will make you happy, then you need to take active steps to getting one. Personally, I don't see that as a factor that's going to make you happy, but sitting around expecting whatever it is you want ot come to you most certainly won't do the trick either.

Plus, with this girl, I'm not even wanting a "relationship" at this point. She's a cool friend to have, but being really attracted to her kind of...complicates things. And I know that she was, at least at some point, attracted to me and 'interested' in me.

Dude, you say you don't want a relationship in one sentence and then say you do in the next.

You can't live with that uncertainty. No one can. You can't say you don't want a relationship and then still have "feelings" for this girl, knowing that she had at one time had feelings for you. The friendship is doomed if you're going to continue this way.

Without a real "relationship" you're going to feel extra shitty when she finds some other guy. Then where will your friendship be? Would you be able to view this boyfriend as just a boyfriend of a friend, or as competition? Can you really see yourself not being jealous of some other guy?

That's something you're going to have to figure out. Do you really want to live with that uncertainty? It's just like the college life problem. It's not going to fix itself on it's own. If your feelings are "complicating" things, to me, it's pretty obvious what you need to do. It'll end the friendship, for better or worse, but at least you won't have that uncertainty and regret hanging on you, weighing you down.

If she feels differently and the worst happens, you never see her again. That's a bummer, but hanging around as a friend while she goes dating and getting serious with another guy is going to hurt you far more in the long run.

Just my 2 cents...

 

[Drinky Crow]

As slayn and MAF said. You hafta make your life your own. OTHERWISE THE STATUS QUO TERRORISTS WIN

Seriously, though, you have to accept the decisions you made and ask yourself: "even if I did things different from everybody else and no-one fucking gets me, did I still have a few good times along the way?" When it comes to your opinion of yourself and your life, NOBODY gets ANY fucking say.

 

[MrAngryFace]

I really dont care if he sells out, but if he buys a H2 or some SUV his life is over.

Seriously tho, you are having your college life. They key word being 'your'. Sure its not the same as everyone elses, but that doesnt make it any less valid. The only thing that could, would be you running out there trying to be everyone else.

As for the girl thing, every girl feels like the one, thats what lust (commonly confused with love) is all about. Id hope in retrospect youd be able to lessen your stress.

 

[Drinky Crow]

Fuck yeah if he buys an H2 he dies. I nearly got me and my new kid killed by one of those motherfuckers coming back from the pediatrician; that shit took up 1.5 lanes without even trying.