Support NeoGAF

[Petit Melon]

I'm going to be real with you. That dialogue is horrible. I would read up on writing dialogue.

Actually, no, I take it back.

Include lots of exploding shit, find a way to bring the military into it, throw in a couple of penis jokes, include China in the setting somehow, and pitch it to Michael Bay. He'll love it. Keep writing, OP. You'll be ridiculed but you'll be making bank.

 

[nckillthegrimace]

Why is Freeza the first character the audience sees if he's just set up for the next movie? How about starting with Vegeta talking to Nappa or Radditz about Saiyan stuff so the audience knows what that is and what kind of characters these guys are. Or maybe start by having someone explain what the Dragon Balls are because that's the title of the movie.

 

[munchie64]

FADE IN

The Camera pans up to show a small hut, white in color, it is crudley built, but a home non-the less. Oddly, there is what appears to be words scribbled on one side, the red lettering contrasting the white boldly.

FADE IN CLOSER

The Words read 'Kame House',in what may be scribbled red spray paint, the lettering juvenile at best.

CAMERA SLOWLY PANS TO THE FRONT DOOR

A figure appears in the doorway, older in nature, and male. Holding a bad posture, hands held behind his back, all that can be seen are his lower body. Flip flops, shorts, and a Hawaiian themed T-shirt.

OLD MAN: It seems that he's leaving on his journey now... I just hope he knows what's ahead of him.

The man reaches in to his pocket. Out comes... a rude magazine. The man scans the pages, his delighted expression hidden somewhat by his large sunglasses. Blood begins pouring out of his nose, almost like a showerhead.

A gunshot is heard.

FADE OUT TO BLACK

Added a bit.

 

[Brakke]

It's funny how you hold back the surprising reveal of Feezsa's name. The audience for the script is the director. He will not be impressed by this surprise. He's read the thing like a thousand times. The first time through he crossed out CREATURE and wrote in "Freezo".

 

[munchie64]

It's funny how you hold back the surprising reveal of Feezsa's name. The audience for the script is the director. He will not be impressed by this surprise. He's read the thing like a thousand times. The first time through he crossed out CREATURE and wrote in "Freezo".

This is like legit criticism OP. Why even bother hiding his name? If it's meant to be a reveal (and I'm not sure why it is) the people you're revealing it to aren't reading the script. It just complicates things.

Edit: Missed this

Why is Freeza the first character the audience sees if he's just set up for the next movie? How about starting with Vegeta talking to Nappa or Radditz about Saiyan stuff so the audience knows what that is and what kind of characters these guys are. Or maybe start by having someone explain what the Dragon Balls are because that's the title of the movie.

This too. Setting up a sequel from the first scene will lead to problems. Are the Dragon Balls even in your movie?

 

[Tzmhero]

Or maybe start by having someone explain what the Dragon Balls are because that's the title of the movie.

You could just have that set up by acting like it is a quote by a famous person or wise mystic.

'Not many know who created the cursed items, or why Seven were spread about this land, but the ancients believed they were bestowed upon us by the long dead dragons of legend, and great luck would come to those who gathered them all.'
~Random Ancient Wise Mystic Man

You know, something like that.

 

[EmCeeGramr]

So will you be adapting only the canonical material, or will moviegoers get to step into the grand tour

 

[Tzmhero]

Added a bit.

I like your stuff kid. You've got a future in this business. All future scripts will get a second pass by you from now on. You're gunna go places kid. I'm gunna make you a Star.

 

[BladeoftheImmortal]

It's like the generic cliche lines of dialogue from every super hero movie but all rolled into one, and that's just the opening.

You are saying he has a winner?

 

[SalvaPot]

Edit: Wait, I can fix it to add the gunshot,

I hope you don´t mind if I try to keep the story going, feel free to use it if its to your liking:


FADE OUT TO BLACK

SCREEN STAYS BLACK.

A eerie noise can be heard on the distance. A slow, monotone drum can be heard rising in volume, slowly, and closely followed by more and more drums. The eerie noise rises in intensity along with the drumming.

A shine of orange flashes through the screen. Then a second one. Seven Flashes of GLORIOUS orange light invade the screen. The light fades to reveal the name of our story.

DRAGON BALLZ

One last sudden noise... the letter disappears.

Camera focuses now in nice looking room, a TV is sitting neatly in the middle of it and we can clearly hear it. Its displaying the latest on aerobics, Zumba, and nice ladys are shake shaking it at the sound of the greatest classics of avril lavigne. An old man with an hilarious blonde toupee is watching the TV with all the concentration he can muster. A boy enters the room.

Boy
Master Roshi! Master Roshi! Its here! Its here!

The old man, who is named Master Roshi, pays no mind to the short boy that just entered.

Boy
Answer me you perverted old fool!

The boy throws a magazine at the old man face, but he, in a mind blowing maneuver, makes a triple handwave motion with his hands in seven different directions and catches the magazine with his pinky finger, balancing the magazine in it like magic.

He looks smugly at the boy

Boy
...how did you...?

Master Roshi
When you are as wise as I am, The Ki is always protecting you, Krillin, Mah boi.

Krillin
Wooah! You have to teach me The Ki some time Master Roshi.

Master Roshi
In time, mah boi, in time. For now, Let me enjoy my Magazine.

Krillin
What is that magazine anyway, Master? A Martial Arts Publication? You ARE the greatest Martial Artist in the world, so you really do not need that, in the 15 years I have known you in this planet earth I have never seen a person stronger than you!

The camera shows how the Old Man excitedly opens the Magazine and reveals its a "PlayBoyz" and his nose HILARIOUSLY shoots a ton of blood all over the pages. Krillin facepalms. We make a pause here so people can laugh and don´t miss anything of the dialoge.

Krillin
Oh Master, you are...

BOOOM.

A MASSIVE GUNSHOT SOUNDS FROM THE NORTH.

Krillin
Master! Did you hear that?! A massive GUNSHOT sounded from the north!

Master Roshi
Yes, I did! Hurry krillin, take this capsule and go get... him, I will call Bulma.

Master Roshi gives a CapsuCorp capsule to krillin and then grabs his phone, focus on the apple there, I don´t want to be fired.

Krillin opens the capsule and out of it comes a brilliant shiny Mercedez Benz. He takes off in search of... him...

FADES TO BLACK.

 

[triplestation]

I liked it and I'm not even a fan of dragon ball

Bravo op

 

[Sinfamy]

 

[Brakke]

I dunno. It's a weird kind of project, why would you pick this of all scripts? If we ask ourselves "why would someone want to see a DBZ movie?" the answer as I see it would be "to see cool fights and kamehameha beams and shit". The actual meat of the script, the whole reason this project presumably got greenlit, is dope-ass fight choreography. Two horned, sneering, visibly evil dudes standing menacingly in space doesn't really forward that end.

Friesza doesn't need motivation, he's simply Space Evil. You can accomplish that by starting in the middle of him carpet-bombing Saiyan planet with his fists and laughing. Then you get to see this guy being badass and cool and scary *and* you get to accomplish putting Goku in a Superman-style spaceship at the same time.

Because really. The dialog in this script doesn't matter. It *should* be all one-liners and thin cliches to set up Big Cool Fights. You should focus your energy on interesting / creative scenarios / set pieces for the Big Cool Fights.

 

[Sojgat]

I love it.

Note: In my head the parts of King Cold and Frieza are being played by

 

[Evilisk]

You just can't exclude Yamcha like that.

 

[SalvaPot]

I love the kick at the end

"YAAAAAMCHAAAAA"

 

[Nanashrew]

One thing though. Where's Gohan and his non-canon dragon? Those two are pretty inseparable in the movies where Gohan is a kid.

 

[Rentahamster]

You need to add that Lindelof flavor to your screenplay:

http://collider.com/prometheus-script-damon-lindelof/

You’re pregnant.
Oh.
FUCK
. And that SNAPS Shaw out of her stupor --

DAVID
Well it’s not exactly a traditional
fetus, Dr. Shaw.
Jesus
. And Shaw makes a decision now. She can either cry or
COWBOY THE FUCK UP. She goes with the latter. TOUGH --
SHAW
I want to see it.

 

[Tzmhero]

I think Chichi's name needs to be changed, for obvious reasons.

Maybe something like... Cheryl.

 

[SalvaPot]

I think Chichi's name needs to be changed, for obvious reasons.

Maybe something like... Cheryl.

Bewberta.

 

[Fracas]

Obama chuckled.

"You mean the Chaos Emeralds?"

 

[Tzmhero]

Bewberta.

Breanna Stevens

 

[pants]

When does Gohan come in?

Videl

 

[Veldin]

Reading this had me laughing pretty hard but I'll try to take it seriously for a moment.

Hiding Frieza's name at first doesn't make any sense when King Cold's name is written in there right away. King Cold's name isn't even spoken in the dialogue.

KING COLD
What exactly is so disgusting about nothing, my dear child?

That's one of the first spoken lines and it sounds really awkward to read out loud. He could say "What do you mean?" and it would be just as effective. In fact the whole scene is too wordy and too long overall.

CREATURE
No. The Saiyans are too strong to be quitters… they grow more powerful after every battle.

Does this need to be said now? I imagine the audience would forget this was said by the time it's actually relevant.

KING COLD lets out a big devilish belly laugh.

KING COLD
Ah, there we are. I thought for but a moment that you had grown empathy all of a sudden.

CREATURE
Empathy? In what universe is that useful?

KING COLD
I’ve yet to find one.

CREATURE
Then perhaps we shall find out when we conquer every inch of the galaxy.

KING COLD
My, my, aren’t we getting ahead of ourselves.

Rewrite or cut all of that out. That bit nearly made me fall out of my chair. It's way too early in the script to be dishing out cheesy quips like this.

 

[Canon]

Thanks everyone for the comments. I will respond to the criticisms tomorrow if you still care, so stay tuned for that. Need to get off for now.

One thing to keep in mind though, I did say this was supposed to be a Hollywood style film adaptation. So these comparisons to Michael Bay and whatnot -- Not exactly an insult. Some people liked The Rock. And some other shit.

Also, I think you need to go take a look at the writing in DragonBall Z one more time. The American version anyway. Nothing I wrote is that much more terrible than some of the lines in that. But by terrible I mean in a good way, at least to me when I watched it years ago.

And keep in mind... this is the first four pages. There is set pieces to come. There's shit to be going down, don't worry. Or do worry if you hate me, whatever.

But anyway I'll respond to more specific criticisms tomorrow.

 

[Nudull]

Get Micheal Bay to produce.

 

[LX_Theo]

Make Pan the main character.

 

[Brakke]

Ok OP I wanted to be nice and all but now you've just gone and called The Rock shit and we now we're enemies. Meet me out by the dumpsters at 3:15 tomorrow we're throwing down.

 

[biosnake20]

FADE INTO A DMV

GOKU
We really need to pass this piccolo or chi chi is not going to let me back into the house.

PICCOLO lets out a big devilish belly laugh.

PICCOLO
You're never getting back into that house homie.

 

[DICKS AHOY]

Dragon Ball Evolution is the only movie screening (besides The Room) I've been to where everybody loudly riffed and laughed at the film without anyone minding. Not big into DBZ but that was a hilariously misguided way of bringing the franchise over to Hollywood.

 

[Gobias]

I don't know much about Dragon Ball. When does the PentaGod come in?

 

[ArtHands]

I have one too which serves as a prequel to Resurrection of F:

- Goku train under with Whis, while Vegeta is at Earth
- 3 Saiyans arrived on Earth and planned to attack it until they saw Prince Vegeta
- They relay to Vegeta (and other Z fighters) that they were planning on the attack because they needed a new planet to stay. They were happy to see Vegeta, because they haven't see much Saiyan (besides Tarble) after what happened to planet vegeta. they have been living with tarble
- the planet they (and Tarble) were residing was attacked and taken over by some alien terrorists. They escaped except Tarble, who got caught by them
- Vegeta lead the Z fighters and the 3 Saiyans to the planet to rescue Tarble and defeat the terrorists
- On arrival, krillin, tien and Piccolo guard their spaceships
- Vegeta and the saiyans go on the rescue mission, on their way, one of 3 saiyans suddenly killed another one of the saiyan. apparently he has decided to betray them and this is a trap
- The terrorists has went to attack the other Z fighters to destroy their spaceships while the saiyans were leaded to nowhere by the betrayer Saiyan. The rest of the terrorists and their leader appear and the saiyan betrayer joined their side. apparently he can turn into super saiyan too, but was shock that Vegeta and co can do so as well
- Z fighters vs terrorists. Z fighters won the fight but failed to defend the spaceships. they were too tired to do anything else now.
- Vegeta/Gohan/Gotenk vs Terrorists leader/Super Saiyan betrayer/Terrorists cannon fodders
- The 3rd saiyan goes to rescue Tarble successfully
- Terrorists leader absorb his cannon fodders and become very strong.
- Vegeta/Gohan/Gotenks have a hard time defeating him, and berated at the traitor for losing his saiyan pride at the same time. Tarble and the other saiyan joins the saiyan at this point
- The saiyans decided that Vegeta has to go saiyan god for a chance, but they needed time for the ritual. The betrayer realises his mistake and turns good by buying time for their ritual. he sacrificed himself as a result
- Vegeta turned to SS God with help from Gohan, Tarble, Trunk, Goten, the 3rd saiyan
- SSG Vegeta defeated the terrorist leader
- The Z fighters returned to Earth (by the terrorists' spaceships) while Tarble, his wife and the 3rd saiyan remains on the planet
- On Earth, Whis informs them that he have relayed what happened to Bulma and co, who have collected the dragonballs to revive the 2 saiyans who died. Whis said he saw the fight and is impressed with Vegeta. he then invite Vegeta to train under him...

which leads to the resurrect of F movie.

- post credit scene, the betrayer apologize to his fellow saiyans on the new planet. The 3 saiyans, Tarble and his wife continue to live there.

 

[Mortemis]

FADE IN

The Camera pans up to show a small hut, white in color, it is crudley built, but a home non-the less. Oddly, there is what appears to be words scribbled on one side, the red lettering contrasting the white boldly.

FADE IN CLOSER

The Words read 'Kame House',in what may be scribbled red spray paint, the lettering juvenile at best.

CAMERA SLOWLY PANS TO THE FRONT DOOR

A figure appears in the doorway, older in nature, and male. Holding a bad posture, hands held behind his back, all that can be seen are his lower body. Flip flops, shorts, and a Hawaiian themed T-shirt.

OLD MAN: It seems that he's leaving on his journey now... I just hope he knows what's ahead of him.

PAN TO YOUNG MAN FLYING INTO THE SUNSET

OLD MAN: Good luck, Vegeta Sanchez.

FADE OUT TO BLACK

Fixed.

 

[WickedLaharl]

You are a god. Keep honing your skills

 

[heliosRAzi]

If that's supposed to be the opening, it was boring. Just two aliens talking shit about Earth is not entertaining.

 

[True Savior]

Any suggestions or criticms on this DragonBall Z movie script I'm writing?

YES


This

First thing is, my attempt is based on DRAGONBALL Z. Not DragonBall as Evolution was. And just as importantly, it's based on the American version -- not that there's any major differences in the story but the terminology is different from the Japanese.

 

[MikeDip]

Is this Canon?

 

[donkey show]

You just can't exclude Yamcha like that.

Yeah you can. Just have the opening scene be this:

 

[Forkball]

What's the point of putting Freiza in the beginning of the film if he never shows up again and is only important in the later movies? You don't really need to give him a "muahaha" scene at the beginning. As for the rest of the plot, it sounds like 1:1 with Superman.

A Dragon Ball (not DBZ) movie is super easy.

Heroes live idyllic life
Shit fucks up their idyllic life
Introduce Dragon Balls and their power
Bad guys want the Dragon Balls
Good guys need to stop the bad guys from getting said Dragon Balls
[insert adventure here]
Bad guys get all the Dragon Balls and wish for something but the heroes still defeat them/good guys get the Dragon Balls and wish for something good/Dragon Ball wish is fucked up and good guys fight bad guys
END MOVIE

Throw in kamehamehas as needed. You could even fit the World Martial Arts tournament in there somewhere. Like one of the prizes for the tourney is a Dragon Ball so the bad guys enter so they can get it. This shit literally writes itself.

 

[FuuRe]

If i were you i'd work on converting and expanding the driver's license episode into a full fledged movie trilogy

Also you must include Maron

 

[Deleted member 20920]

FADE INTO A DMV

GOKU
We really need to pass this piccolo or chi chi is not going to let me back into the house.

PICCOLO lets out a big devilish belly laugh.

PICCOLO
You're never getting back into that house homie.

We need a dude Bro road trip movie with these guys. And Yamcha, Vegeta, Tien and Chaotzu.

 

[Yaponchik]

That's really good OP. You should continue and keep updating us.

 

[E the Shaggy]

FADE ONTO THE DEATH STAR

HARRY POTTER
It's imperative that I find Goku.

SPIDER-MAN
What is it? What's wrong?

HARRY POTTER
I have to tell him....that I'm pregnant.

 

[Frustrated_Grunt]

sounds hype tbh. people complaining that it sounds silly or whatever, have u ever watch dbz. this is exactly the tone.

What I was thinking too. If this was said in a DBZ episode, I probably wouldn't bat an eye. Not a bad thing at all.

If i were you i'd work on converting and expanding the driver's license episode into a full fledged movie trilogy

Also you must include Maron

This guy gets it.

 

[AGoodODST]

FADE INTO WHITEHOUSE

President Obama sits at his desk, the phone clutched lazily in his hand.

"You mean my salt and pepper Chicken Balls?"

Obama lets out a big devilish belly laugh.

Gunshot is heard in the distance.

FADE OUT TO BLACK.

 

[richiek]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6WYxD17Wn0

 

[Arthr2ShdsJcksn]

This is not...

Just.... no. It's better to not say anything bad.

I need to leave.

 

[daveo42]

Uhh...post it to a fanfic site maybe? Idk man...

Edit: FYI...showing Frieza off at the start of the film is probably a bad idea if he isn't even going to be at the end of the film as the big bad. This almost seems like something you'd hint at during the course of the film and then bring Frieza in at the end to set up your next movie. Btw...your dialogue at least sounds like the 90s dub of DBZ...so you have something there at least.

 

[Rockandrollclown]

Cutting out Nappa? You've already lost. I suppose next you're going to try and have a Frieza saga without Super Kami Guru and Nail?

 

[Ganzlinger]

You could just have that set up by acting like it is a quote by a famous person or wise mystic.

'Not many know who created the cursed items, or why Seven were spread about this land, but the ancients believed they were bestowed upon us by the long dead dragons of legend, and great luck would come to those who gathered them all.'
~Random Ancient Wise Mystic Man

You know, something like that.

So much this!

And OP, your dialogue is already better than most of Dragonball's.

And we should start discussing something fun: casting!