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[DeafTourette]

Real talk though I’m goofin off because I found out today that my wife is pregnant and I’m in a silly mood and want to spread the love. I’m gonna be Daddy Matthew soon

Spoiler

Seriously though I’ve gained 5 kg in 3 weeks due to excessive juicing. Send help.

Man, congratulations!

 

[Trojita]

Real talk though I’m goofin off because I found out today that my wife is pregnant and I’m in a silly mood and want to spread the love. I’m gonna be Daddy Matthew soon

Spoiler

Seriously though I’ve gained 5 kg in 3 weeks due to excessive juicing. Send help.

Matt I think you are preggers too. Congratulations!

 

[plushyp]

Real talk though I’m goofin off because I found out today that my wife is pregnant and I’m in a silly mood and want to spread the love. I’m gonna be Daddy Matthew soon

Spoiler

Seriously though I’ve gained 5 kg in 3 weeks due to excessive juicing. Send help.

Whaaaaaaaaat? You're married and now have Matt jr. on the way?!! Congratulations!!

Just don't do this:

 

[GymWolf]

Whaaaaaaaaat? You're married and now have Matt jr. on the way?!! Congratulations!!

Just don't do this:

I...don't understand this video...

 

[jufonuk]

The mushed goodness of nature has built up in to a 5Kg mega-turd.

Prepare your arsehole for

Destruction. Like the end scene in Akira. But it’s just your turd.
Also congrats on becoming a father.

 

[plushyp]

I...don't understand this video...

Good, there is still hope for you then.

 

[highrider]

Ever since you climbed the mountains and you returned different. If you were raped by a bear you can talk to me. I’m your brother Matty

I always say, Mista, he ain’t heavy....

 

[Rentahamster]

Real talk though I’m goofin off because I found out today that my wife is pregnant and I’m in a silly mood and want to spread the love. I’m gonna be Daddy Matthew soon

Spoiler

Seriously though I’ve gained 5 kg in 3 weeks due to excessive juicing. Send help.

Gaining weight? Maybe you're the one who is pregnant.

#shymallamallamaman

 

[Cybrwzrd]

Congrats on the sex, and I'm sorry that your days of having it are over.

 

[DeepEnigma]

You're an abnormal freak and should check yourself in, for science?

Unless you are gaining lean muscle mass. But fat? Nah.

 

[off duty ninja]

So I bought a cold press juicer a few weeks back and it’s pretty sweet. The Breville Big Squeeze, to be specific. Only problem is I’ve gained 5 kg (11 lbs) in just under 3 weeks. I bought it so I could slam kale and turmeric like a champ but I’ve also been slamming fruit juice. Oranges, mangoes, apples, even beets though they’re technically vegetables. I’ve been having like 3 glasses of that good shit every day but it ain’t so good for me apparently. I’m feeling great but fat!

mods halp

 

[Papa]

I am not the artist formerly known as Cunth

 

[brap]

Young brap is gonna have a baby brother/sister

Oh yeah and congrats on the sex. Can't wait for the gender reveal!

 

[Virex]

I’m consuming other things besides juice obviously. Super Male Vitality, for example.

 

[Airola]

SLAYYYYYY

 

[MaestroMike]

All you need to do is to start eating in a caloric deficit to lose weight. Like with me right now, I'd start losing weight by 1-2lbs a week on 2450 calories a day if I was going to the gym for 5 days a week. Try an online calculator to estimate your daily calorie requirements and go from there.

Don't start too low on calories as eventually weight loss will plateau and you'll end up starving and going back to old habits.

Stick to a sustainable eating plan that's about 60% healthy foods and 40% of foods you typically enjoy so like, for me I'll have a Mars Bar, some Pringles and ice-cream in moderate amounts daily. Some days I'll have a pizza instead to hit my calorie and macro requirements.

It's the amount of calories at the end of the day that pushes weight loss, not what foods you eat. People have lost weight on junk food diets or McDonalds diets.

EDIT: If you've gained weight then you're eating at a surplus instead of a deficit, so you need to cut back on some things for weight loss to happen. Track absolutely everything you eat and drink. Weigh out food and liquids. So many people underestimate how much they consume when first starting out.

I feel like there is a minimum amount of calories everyone needs everyday like at least 2000. Is it possible to maintain the same amount of calories and engage in a micronutrient surplus to utilize the excess energy???

 

[Durask]

Drinking fruit juice is no different than drinking cola or sprite.

Even vegetable juice leads to a spike in blood glucose.

Juicing is not a good idea.

 

[Bigrx1]

Lol - I hadn’t heard about juicing in a while, wasn’t that like the big fad 5 years ago? Regardless, idk OP but good luck

 

[Tesseract]

i guarantee you can fly now, find the tallest building and jump through the toughest rated window you can find

you will fly, you can do anything

kids, go on the free way

 

[Dirk Benedict]

i guarantee you can fly now, find the tallest building and jump through the toughest rated window you can find

you will fly, you can do anything

kids, go on the free way

 

[Barsinister]

Sympathy weight gain is not unusual, I believe. There are few things on Earth like being a dad. It changes your worldview. I enjoy seeing good news for good people.

 

[Romulus]

Alot of people eat more when they start practicing better habits. It's a subconscious reward thing we do.

 

[DESTROYA]

Found your video on juicing

 

[Kadayi]

 

[Tesseract]

can you juice rats and squirrels?

 

[TrainedRage]

Just fast every day for 12 hours. It's an easy way to kick into fat burning while not having to diet.

Or just go throw up after you eat, my ex did that all the time and stayed pretty thin.

 

[Papa]

Sympathy weight gain is not unusual, I believe. There are few things on Earth like being a dad. It changes your worldview. I enjoy seeing good news for good people.

How about good news for NeoGAF’s Meanest Member™?

 

[bronk]

Aw man I wanted to talk roids but that juicer looks awesome.

 

[bitbydeath]

Sounds like Couvade syndrome Papa .

You’re a woman now!

 

[Barsinister]

How about good news for NeoGAF’s Meanest Member™?

I am unfortunately out of the loop and cannot figure out who that is. But here is a story...

I once got so emotionally invested in the Sylvester Stallone movie "Lock Up" that at the end, spoiler, when he wrapped that belt around his hand on the lever of the electric chair and was going to take out Donald Sutherland's character with him, I felt a release of tension when Donald confessed that I have never felt before in a movie or since.

Who is the Meanest Member? I am on tenterhooks until I find out.

 

[Papa]

Sounds like Couvade syndrome Papa .

You’re a woman now!

Does this mean I have to suicide my GAF account and join Ree?

 

[bitbydeath]

Does this mean I have to suicide my GAF account and join Ree?

The good news is it’s only temporary until your wife gives birth, I’ll be on the lookout for any erratic mood swings.

 

[Macapala]

Fuck I don’t wanna turn gay. I’ll start juicing steak instead.

It's too late man. You gay now!

 

[lock2k]

 

[Cato]

So I bought a cold press juicer a few weeks back and it’s pretty sweet. The Breville Big Squeeze, to be specific. Only problem is I’ve gained 5 kg (11 lbs) in just under 3 weeks. I bought it so I could slam kale and turmeric like a champ but I’ve also been slamming fruit juice. Oranges, mangoes, apples, even beets though they’re technically vegetables. I’ve been having like 3 glasses of that good shit every day but it ain’t so good for me apparently. I’m feeling great but fat!

mods halp

(A lot of fruit juice contains more sugar than even Coca Cola, so yeah, don't be surprised )

 

[Cato]

Real talk though I’m goofin off because I found out today that my wife is pregnant and I’m in a silly mood and want to spread the love. I’m gonna be Daddy Matthew soon

Spoiler

Seriously though I’ve gained 5 kg in 3 weeks due to excessive juicing. Send help.

With all that soy you are consuming with the overpriced blender your kid will have two mommys.

But congrats on the kid! Kids are great. You can train them to do errands and they don't even need to be paid a salary.

 

[Cato]

Try to use lower glycemic fruits, and the rest of the juice should be from celery, green leafy veggies and so on.

Wouldn't that make the juice taste like shit? You are suggesting he should pay big money for a glorified blender and make juice that tastes like shit?

 

[Cato]

No more jokes. Time to be serious.

I am Dr Phil and I will give you medical advice and explain what is wrong with your body and how to fix it.


The medical term for what you are experiencing is called Pseudocyesis.
Basically, in a herd it is very common that once one female gets pregnant, other females in the herd will develop pregnancy like symptoms AND WEIGHT GAIN to simulate that they are also pregnant.

What probably led up to this was that you have been consuming so much Shelila juice recently, leading to a severe testosterone deficiency, tricking your body into thinking you are a Sheila.
But you are not a Sheila, you are a Boss.

The path to recover and healing here should be fairly simple but you need a diet change to consume juice more suitable to a Boss.
Try swapping all these fruits and veggies to these ingredients instead and see how it goes:
* 1 cup whiskey
* 200-300g of red meat
* 1 or 2 red onions (very important, this is where you will get most of the testosterone back)

You should be all good and back at being a proper Boss in only a couple of weeks.
That was all for now. I am Dr Phil and this was my medical advice.


EDIT: probably also worth trying to get the mental side on track too. I would suggest watching at least an hour of lesbian action on pornhub every night. Remember, if you do it for medical reasons you can claim the pornhub subscription fee back on your tax return!

 

[Papa]

But the pregnancy happened after the weight gain

 

[Jesus Carbomb]

Congrats

 

[Tesseract]

snort that juice

 

[Papa]

snort that juice

Snort da jews

 

[Cato]

But the pregnancy happened after the weight gain

Look, you have basically become a Sheila for a while.
Not judging but your concept of linear time and spatial space is impaired.

Go with my diet suggestion for a couple weeks and everything will become clear again.

 

[brap]

Snort da jews

Fuck off back to /pol/.

 

[captainraincoat]

Less sugar fruit...more green shit and lots of water....at least 3 litres

 

[Papa]

Less sugar fruit...more green shit and lots of water....at least 3 litres

Beef is a vegetable right

 

[Tesseract]

Beef is a vegetable right

yep, so is human flesh

 

[Starlight Lotice]

Exercise is the best way to lose the weight.

By drinking juice, your body will still feel hungry as your mouth is not chewing to recognise if your stomach has ate anything, so it is reacting by storing fat.

Mix in the Juicing regime with Fitness and it should get back to normal.

Good Luck.