Captain_Spanky
Member
So. Long story I guess. I have BPD. 5 years ago I had a breakdown. Lost my home. Got arrested. Bad times. Shortly after met my ex. It was like something out of a film - we couldn't take our eyes off each other. Time stopped. Every cliche you laughed at came true. She was and is the most beautiful woman I've ever, ever seen. And her personality! Sweet to a fault, generous of spirit, community and charity minded. One of my fondest memories of her is the time she insisted we pull over and talk to this old man we saw walking about at night. Turned out he'd disappeared from the local hospital and we bundled him in her car and took him back and made sure he received proper care. Then we, well she, decided to go see him the next day with some chocolate and stuff. it's just the type of person she was. Always doing the right thing because it was the right thing to do.
We fell instantly in lust with each other and it quickly developed in to much more. She was going through a lot at the time too and we really helped each other get our lives get back together.
Despite the length of time we were together we never lived together. She was in the process of getting divorced and once that finished I would have had to buy out her ex-husbands half of the mortgage to live together.
Somehow we made it work. I mostly saw her in evenings or weekends when her three kids were with their dad. Eventually I met them and fell in love all over again.
It was pretty perfect. She and I were completely in love and I can say that with absolute certainty. For my 30th birthday she went so far out of her way to make it special, to make me feel loved and special. It was beautiful.
I was still struggling to get back on my feet, I went back to uni to get my Masters in Drama because for the longest time I wanted to teach and create theatre. I've been steadily gaining experience and work in both fields. I'm not sitting around waiting for a big break, although I do creative work I also facilitate with young people and adults with learning disabilities, and am a support worker. However I'm also not flush with cash, but due to my mental health and criminal record I've struggled to get a foothold. That's finally starting to change thank god, mainly because I've worked my arse off.
The support I did have for my BPD was a community mental health nurse who was cut due to funding. I've been on my own since then and really, without either of us noticing, I was getting worse. Mostly using alcohol to quell the tumultuous emotions and help me sleep. But I was becoming more erratic in my behavior over the past year.
On my 30th we had a massive fight. I was a cock. If you know anything about BPD that's all I need to say. And then a week later we broke up.
This was all 2 months ago (almost exactly). Since then I've stopped drinking completely (I wasn't anywhere near an alcoholic, but it was becoming a crutch and I felt that I needed to face this completely, nakedly, sober or it would continue to be so). I've aggressive and actively engaged with DBT to help with my BPD since I realised I can't keep waiting around to get to the top of a waiting list again while my negative personality traits run wild. I'm starting a new job soon and basically trying to own my shit.
We didn't speak for a while but we're back in contact. She describes me as "perfect" still. Although we probably won't get back together neither of us have said never, we've discussed the possibility and what would need to happen. We've started hanging out together again, she's come round for dinner, watched a movie, we're going to the cinema etc. We talk every day.
When we first met she was very emotionally closed, she described herself as "numb". She had a lot of other stuff in her life that meant for her own sanity she had to keep a lid on herself, or so she felt. Feeling was weakness to her. She's always said I showed her who she really was and let her feel and feel safe. Since we broke up she says she just feels numb all the time again. So I feel massively guilty for putting her back in that place again.
She's seeing someone else. He's rich, like "a real life Christian Grey". I think he's exactly what she needs. Someone that can buy her house, buy her everything her and the kids need etc etc. He's currently still married, may or may not leave his wife, who knows. I think they're separating though.
And I just feel woefully inadequate. Every time I think I've got a handle on it I suddenly don't. I'm sleeping terribly at the moment, I've gone down a clothing size because I'm barely eating (some days I just feel sick or throw up when I do eat). I miss her and the kids every single day. I miss the dog. I miss the cats. I miss helping fix her house. I miss cooking with her in the kitchen. I miss reading bedtime stories. I miss hearing terrible music from her teenager. It's like instead of having one hole in my heart I have four. At least with a normal breakup involving kids I'd still see them.
I've seen other people too, I'm in great shape (physically lol) at the moment and pretty charismatic so I'm getting a fair bit of attention, which is nice. But the people I've gone out with or slept with have really noticed that my heart just isn't in it. But that's what you're supposed to do right? See other people and move on. I don't get why she found that part so easy and I'm finding it so hard.
I don't even know why I'm posting. I just need some advice. Or help. Or someone to let me know it'll be ok, whatever that means. Just whatever you think is best really. And obviously all from my perspective so please feel free to prod or ask for more details either in comments or PM.
I apologise because this is super all over the place, but then so am I right now. Most days I'm ok. Today has been a struggle which is why I posted.
tl;dr: End of 4 year+ relationship (3 kids involved). She's moved on in under 2 months. I'm still a bit of a wreck emotionally
We fell instantly in lust with each other and it quickly developed in to much more. She was going through a lot at the time too and we really helped each other get our lives get back together.
Despite the length of time we were together we never lived together. She was in the process of getting divorced and once that finished I would have had to buy out her ex-husbands half of the mortgage to live together.
Somehow we made it work. I mostly saw her in evenings or weekends when her three kids were with their dad. Eventually I met them and fell in love all over again.
It was pretty perfect. She and I were completely in love and I can say that with absolute certainty. For my 30th birthday she went so far out of her way to make it special, to make me feel loved and special. It was beautiful.
I was still struggling to get back on my feet, I went back to uni to get my Masters in Drama because for the longest time I wanted to teach and create theatre. I've been steadily gaining experience and work in both fields. I'm not sitting around waiting for a big break, although I do creative work I also facilitate with young people and adults with learning disabilities, and am a support worker. However I'm also not flush with cash, but due to my mental health and criminal record I've struggled to get a foothold. That's finally starting to change thank god, mainly because I've worked my arse off.
The support I did have for my BPD was a community mental health nurse who was cut due to funding. I've been on my own since then and really, without either of us noticing, I was getting worse. Mostly using alcohol to quell the tumultuous emotions and help me sleep. But I was becoming more erratic in my behavior over the past year.
On my 30th we had a massive fight. I was a cock. If you know anything about BPD that's all I need to say. And then a week later we broke up.
This was all 2 months ago (almost exactly). Since then I've stopped drinking completely (I wasn't anywhere near an alcoholic, but it was becoming a crutch and I felt that I needed to face this completely, nakedly, sober or it would continue to be so). I've aggressive and actively engaged with DBT to help with my BPD since I realised I can't keep waiting around to get to the top of a waiting list again while my negative personality traits run wild. I'm starting a new job soon and basically trying to own my shit.
We didn't speak for a while but we're back in contact. She describes me as "perfect" still. Although we probably won't get back together neither of us have said never, we've discussed the possibility and what would need to happen. We've started hanging out together again, she's come round for dinner, watched a movie, we're going to the cinema etc. We talk every day.
When we first met she was very emotionally closed, she described herself as "numb". She had a lot of other stuff in her life that meant for her own sanity she had to keep a lid on herself, or so she felt. Feeling was weakness to her. She's always said I showed her who she really was and let her feel and feel safe. Since we broke up she says she just feels numb all the time again. So I feel massively guilty for putting her back in that place again.
She's seeing someone else. He's rich, like "a real life Christian Grey". I think he's exactly what she needs. Someone that can buy her house, buy her everything her and the kids need etc etc. He's currently still married, may or may not leave his wife, who knows. I think they're separating though.
And I just feel woefully inadequate. Every time I think I've got a handle on it I suddenly don't. I'm sleeping terribly at the moment, I've gone down a clothing size because I'm barely eating (some days I just feel sick or throw up when I do eat). I miss her and the kids every single day. I miss the dog. I miss the cats. I miss helping fix her house. I miss cooking with her in the kitchen. I miss reading bedtime stories. I miss hearing terrible music from her teenager. It's like instead of having one hole in my heart I have four. At least with a normal breakup involving kids I'd still see them.
I've seen other people too, I'm in great shape (physically lol) at the moment and pretty charismatic so I'm getting a fair bit of attention, which is nice. But the people I've gone out with or slept with have really noticed that my heart just isn't in it. But that's what you're supposed to do right? See other people and move on. I don't get why she found that part so easy and I'm finding it so hard.
I don't even know why I'm posting. I just need some advice. Or help. Or someone to let me know it'll be ok, whatever that means. Just whatever you think is best really. And obviously all from my perspective so please feel free to prod or ask for more details either in comments or PM.
I apologise because this is super all over the place, but then so am I right now. Most days I'm ok. Today has been a struggle which is why I posted.
tl;dr: End of 4 year+ relationship (3 kids involved). She's moved on in under 2 months. I'm still a bit of a wreck emotionally
