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How do you deal with long term break ups?

I know this aint reddit or my personal diary but Im afraid I just joined the dumped squad boys. After 3 years of memories and travel and change and growth. My personal story will be below but if you don't need it then maybe you've simply been broken up with or had to dump someone after years and years and can share the experience. How do you carry on? How do you cope? Im just devastated and at loss big time. You'll have to forgive me sometimes its simply therapeutic for me to share both with people I know and online. Im just laying here in bed I can't eat and I can barley motivate myself to walk my dog.




What went down:

I've been involved with this woman for almost 3 years and officially dating for over 2.5 years. She is or was the love of my life and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. We've seen countless movies together, gone to countless new restaurants, we've changed each other for the better, we've had adventures together, we've traveled the country together. We have a dog together. And since May we've been moved in together after about 1.5-2 years of long distance. (4 hours apart). Its been great. The best relationship by far I've ever been in in my entire life.

Well long story short I had this stupid idea to surprise her for the holidays and spend the weekend with her family, so I drive 5 hours up state to do so. Problem is she is extremely family oriented and family and I are a very sensitive subject for her. Very sensitive. Theres a saga of therapy there and mental health I won't even get into. A lot of it spawns from a disapproval of me due to me being atheist and them being heavily religious. As well as intense subconscious approval and validation needing on her end from her family. She's as atheist as me but has been a closet atheist for years now to appease family and not rock the boat. Well I go in and I thought it went well but she absolutely freaked out and panicked basically and later we talked alone and she was crying and anxious and we had a big disagreement over it that led to me driving back home the very next day.

When she returned we had our worst fight yet that im not proud of and she went to stay at her sisters and basically kind of broke things off but indicated we would talk tomorrow and I had hope that this could be salvaged. I couldn't fathom this would end our 3 year involvement almost. Well she comes back and it was immediately clear she had made up her mind to dump me and this was merely a courtesy to come, tell me, let me down easy, get some clothes, and go back to her sisters. All my compromises and postulations were useless and stonewalled immediately. I was heartbroken. I couldn't believe it. I still can't. She explained that she simply can't mix me and family due to mental issues on her part and she will get help for this but not with a boyfriend. And she's moving back home and had her mind set in that. So different cities was a big factor. I even offered to go up with her back to her college town but was again turned down.

I just can't come to grips with this whole thing. Friday night we were great and together and Sunday at 8pm we were basically over. It all happened so fast I can’t even properly process it and I'm already going through the post breakup phase where they're quickly becoming a stranger. Where they don't text or ghost texts. Where communication is just to coordinate the logistics of the breakup. I've been here before its not my first rodeo but this hurts on such a deep level I don't know how im going to carry on.
 

Drake

Member
I've been there. There's not a whole lot of advice I can give you other than time heals all wounds, which I believe is mostly true. During my last bad breakup I got shit faced everyday for a week. Horrible idea, but it did numb the pain at the time. Really, the only advice I can give you would be to do things that take your mind off it. For me, going to the gym and getting back into reading novels helped a lot. The next few months are gonna SUCK. You'll have the urge to reach out to her. This is a bad idea because if you chat and things go even slightly well you'll give yourself false hope of getting back together. Most likely that will not happen and it'll just re-open those fresh wounds. Try not to be too hard on yourself about that family trip. She most likely was planning this for a while and she was probably just looking for any excuse to end it.

So try to keep yourself occupied, stay away from drugs and alcohol and try to re-connect with friends if that is possible. Just keep busy.
 
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RJMacready73

Simps for Amouranth
It sucks balls and hurts far worse than it has any right too but chin up and just power through it and you'll come out the other end a better person, time really does heal everything especially broken relationships, take it from a 50y.o. whose had a few of them
 

Hudo

Member
Take long walks and realize that over time, it hurts less and less. I have yet to discover a method/recipe that helps to "get over it" in, say, a month or so.

Edit: Also, block yourself from any opportunity to "stalk" her, i.e. via Instagram or the like. Because the more/often you look at her profile, the longer it takes. What's past is past.
Edit 2: Lastly, any thought that entertains the idea of "getting back" a significant other or "what could be, if we were together again" is a fools errand. If you got back together, it would not be the same because what happened would hang over the whole relationship like the Sword of Damocles. Waiting to be dropped in a heated moment.
Be happy for the memories you have, let her, and more importantly yourself, go and be free.

That's at least the "wisdom" that I accumulated over time...via trial and error...
 
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3 years isn't that long of a time and tbh I think this is blessing in disguise for OP because I don't think this relationship would work out in the long run. If there's stark difference in religion and family values, it'll keep rear its ugly head and that fight will just get bigger and bigger.

Breakups are tough but time will eventually heal those wounds.

I suggest on going on a vacation.
 

AJUMP23

Gold Member
Only from her family:/

Maybe the take away is don’t date family oriented women

I don't think that is the case. I think you want a strong family unit around you. But clearly the lack of faith was the component that the relationship hinged on. Even if it did not bother the girl, it bothered her family and that bothered the girl. I think the lesson to learn is that you need a world view alignment with your significant other, and to some extent the family when they are in the picture.
 
I don't think that is the case. I think you want a strong family unit around you. But clearly the lack of faith was the component that the relationship hinged on. Even if it did not bother the girl, it bothered her family and that bothered the girl. I think the lesson to learn is that you need a world view alignment with your significant other, and to some extent the family when they are in the picture.
She was atheist same as me but her family would and couldn’t never accept that so as you said, it’s a death knell sadly
 

IDKFA

I am Become Bilbo Baggins
It's hard to accept at first. I get it. But if she's ghosting you then it's time to move on and focus your mind on other things.

Get to the gym if you're not already.

Become an sexual walrus. Have a one night stand every night (wrap up)

You'll then meet somebody else from being one of earth's greatest sex conquerors and can finally move on.
 

Majormaxxx

Member
Bruh, here's what to do. Five steps.

1. First realize it wasn't meant since she can't have you and family at the same time. Long term impossible.

2. Very short term (2 weeks) get a good new video game and binge it.

3. Medium term - date 10 new women just to clean your palette. A date can be from coffee to a short or longer relationship. Obviously if you find someone you vibe with no need to continue dating. But even if you don't, date 10 to clean the palette...

4. Long term (but start immediately after the two weeks of gaming are over) decide what kind of woman you want. Then list the qualities this type of woman looks for. Then start working on those. This could be career, fitness, clothes, family values - everything that your ideal woman would look for.

5. Again long term again - in addition to yourself (see 4),work on giving back to others. This is actually selfish because the good you do to others makes you feel good.
 
Bruh, here's what to do. Five steps.

1. First realize it wasn't meant since she can't have you and family at the same time. Long term impossible.

2. Very short term (2 weeks) get a good new video game and binge it.

3. Medium term - date 10 new women just to clean your palette. A date can be from coffee to a short or longer relationship. Obviously if you find someone you vibe with no need to continue dating. But even if you don't, date 10 to clean the palette...

4. Long term (but start immediately after the two weeks of gaming are over) decide what kind of woman you want. Then list the qualities this type of woman looks for. Then start working on those. This could be career, fitness, clothes, family values - everything that your ideal woman would look for.

5. Again long term again - in addition to yourself (see 4),work on giving back to others. This is actually selfish because the good you do to others makes you feel good.
Do you think it says something that 2 years of long distance we’re fine but then like less than 7 months of really being together and moving in it’s done?

I feel like there may have been something to that. As in, this was just kind of never really as solid as I thought with visits and FaceTimes
 

Majormaxxx

Member
Do you think it says something that 2 years of long distance we’re fine but then like less than 7 months of really being together and moving in it’s done?

I feel like there may have been something to that. As in, this was just kind of never really as solid as I thought with visits and FaceTimes
Long distance and online are quite different from being together daily.

She needs to work on herself. You did nothing wrong. You deserve a girl who can be 100% with you. Of course so does she etc

BTW if you start dating and use online to find girls, meet ASAP. Texting is different from actually meeting to see if you like her.
 
Long distance and online are quite different from being together daily.

She needs to work on herself. You did nothing wrong. You deserve a girl who can be 100% with you. Of course so does she etc

BTW if you start dating and use online to find girls, meet ASAP. Texting is different from actually meeting to see if you like her.
I wonder what our odds are ever getting back together after she works on herself

I feel like being in another state even though it’s close makes it very unlikely
 

Majormaxxx

Member
I wonder what our odds are ever getting back together after she works on herself

I feel like being in another state even though it’s close makes it very unlikely
Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't..

Have in mind that for girls moving on emotionally is suuuper easy. As in, she could date someone new after 2-3 weeks. Don't take it personally and don't dwell on her. Send her good vibes in your thoughts but know she's now in the past.

Focus on living your life in the best way for you and treat yourself like you would treat your future son.
 

NickFire

Member
I wonder what our odds are ever getting back together after she works on herself

I feel like being in another state even though it’s close makes it very unlikely
Spend some time considering if you would really want that.

There is a huge difference between just dating and living together. And things get even more intense with marriage, with all bets being off once kids show up. It may be hard to see it now, but someday you might consider yourself lucky that the relationship ended before it got more serious and uncoupling would become way messier. I don't mean to disparage either of you by saying you might consider yourself lucky someday. Just saying that not everyone is meant to be together and its a positive if they realize it before marriage and kids.
 
Spend some time considering if you would really want that.

There is a huge difference between just dating and living together. And things get even more intense with marriage, with all bets being off once kids show up. It may be hard to see it now, but someday you might consider yourself lucky that the relationship ended before it got more serious and uncoupling would become way messier. I don't mean to disparage either of you by saying you might consider yourself lucky someday. Just saying that not everyone is meant to be together and its a positive if they realize it before marriage and kids.
It was great living with her for the 6 of 7 months we lasted after we closed the long distance. It seemed like we had all the same quirky and idiosyncrasies and weirdness that the other did and it was just a great fit.

I’m skeptical if another women could check every box she did for me:/
 

Chuck Berry

Gold Member
In my experience, it's always a red flag when the woman is on the outs with the parents for whatever reason and therapy is involved. It always creeps up, out of nowhere in some form and it's usually never in your favor.

I also suggest exercise, videogames and maybe write a bit? After some pretty harsh break ups I would just Dear Diary the fuck out of myself and write pages and pages of my feelings about the whole thing. I felt that was a really good way of release and letting go. And like others said, time will make everything ok.

Also, hopefully you're thankful that there wasnt a kid or kids or a ring involved.

You'll be good bro 🤛
 
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NickFire

Member
It was great living with her for the 6 of 7 months we lasted after we closed the long distance. It seemed like we had all the same quirky and idiosyncrasies and weirdness that the other did and it was just a great fit.

I’m skeptical if another women could check every box she did for me:/
Natural to be skeptical. But you will find someone you click with again. And honestly man, please don't beat yourself up wondering what could have been or was. You two were together for 3 years and living together 1/2 of one. If things were as great as they seemed, you wouldn't have broken up for the reasons you did.
 
In my experience, it's always a red flag when the woman is on the outs with the parents for whatever reason and therapy is involved. It always creeps up, out of nowhere in some form and it's usually never in your favor.

I also suggest exercise, videogames and maybe write a bit? After some pretty harsh break ups I would just Dear Diary the fuck out of myself and write pages and pages of my feelings about the whole thing. I felt that was a really good way of release and letting go. And like others said, time will make everything ok.

Also, hopefully you're thankful that there wasnt a kid or kids or a ring involved.

You'll be good bro 🤛
Sadly she’s leaving me to be a single father of this dog (that she wanted)

It’s also sad because inevitably I will get over it but also the flip side is this person I did so much with and experience so much with will fade into just being another NPC and vice versa for her to me
 
Natural to be skeptical. But you will find someone you click with again. And honestly man, please don't beat yourself up wondering what could have been or was. You two were together for 3 years and living together 1/2 of one. If things were as great as they seemed, you wouldn't have broken up for the reasons you did.
My friends and family couldn’t believe how quickly it all happened. A lot of people told me they’ve basically never seen someone throw away such a long relationship so hastily with such vague reasons and no desire to compromise
 
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NickFire

Member
My friends and family couldn’t believe how quickly it all happened. A lot of people told me they’ve basically never seen someone throw away such a long relationship so hastily with such vague reasons and no desire to compromise
The chances are high that living together was not going as good in her view and she just didn't tell you. And it might not have had anything to do with you specifically. Some people just are not good at relationships or living with others. Her vague reasoning for the break up and weird decision to not ask you to go with her suggests the relationship wasn't as solid on her end but she was afraid to express it.
 

Dthomp

Member
I wonder what our odds are ever getting back together after she works on herself

I feel like being in another state even though it’s close makes it very unlikely

Don't think about it, anything can happen but honestly if it was this easy for her to break stuff off without a conversation she was already half a foot out the door without you knowing....and EVEN IF you got back together the next time will be even easier cause she will recall what made her bail the first time.

It might suck for a little while, it may suck for a long time. My first real relationship when I was younger was 3+ years and she broke it off out of nowhere and moved on immediately and that shit hurt for years. Best advice is just work on you, don't worry about finding the next girl cause that isn't going to work for you while you are healing. Indulge in a hobby that you like, if it's gaming dip into a MMO or something you can sink some time into and heal emotionally. If you're a gym guy go there, just keep yourself occupied so you don't sit around thinking about "what if i did this" or "what did I do wrong" Not to be mean, but she sounds a little messed up in the head (could be religious upbringing and hooking up with an atheist), long term you will likely see you dodged a bullet. You were still in the honeymoon phase of living together and anything long term really doesn't count as it's just two people texting/chatting versus living in a day to day relationship.

Best of luck

TLDR: It'll get better, don't dwell and don't stalk socials
 

Mossybrew

Member
3 years isn't that long of a time
Yeah I don't consider that a long term relationship, but it probably feels like it if you are still fairly young, which I'm guessing OP is.

You've got a lot of life yet to go OP, I think it's healthy to go through a breakup like this, which might sound absurd at this moment, but it's a valuable lesson for the future, you will probably have another relationship end at some point in your life and you'll know from experience that you can get over it and move on with time.
 

Chuck Berry

Gold Member
Sadly she’s leaving me to be a single father of this dog (that she wanted)

It’s also sad because inevitably I will get over it but also the flip side is this person I did so much with and experience so much with will fade into just being another NPC and vice versa for her to me

What kind of dog? And that’s her loss. The dog should be a wonderful source of unconditional love and support for you right now. You should think of that as like a bonus parting gift. She gets to deal with all her bullshit meanwhile you got yourself your own homie (or homette).
 

MastAndo

Member
My friends and family couldn’t believe how quickly it all happened. A lot of people told me they’ve basically never seen someone throw away such a long relationship so hastily with such vague reasons and no desire to compromise
To be honest, it does sound like a rash decision, based on your post...as if it was something she had been thinking about, and this was the final straw. Sure, you shouldn't have surprised her like that (which it sounds like you're aware of), but it doesn't sound like something two people who have been in a loving relationship for 3 years couldn't talk through. Plus, she's the one living a lie and needs to sort things out with her family, so I don't know how that results in her pulling the plug so abruptly. You two aren't the ones with clashing views.

I wish I had some advice for you, but all my long-term relationships ended with a sigh of relief. The first one was still rough though, as it made me physically ill to think about her with another guy after me, but that was my ego messing with me. All of that pain goes away and life goes on. Work on yourself, and when you're ready, put yourself out there again...or you might even enjoy being single. There's no shame in that. Best of luck to you.
 

Puscifer

Member
Relevant post to myself OP

Long story short, take a break, find yourself, readjust to life without your ex first and re-establish healthy patterns of a solo life, whatever that looks like for you right now, and when you do that just start moving on.

I didn't want to jump into a relationship even though we had separated and divorced over a 2 year period because I was stupidly feeling bad over hurting someone's feelings who mentally and physically abused to me which is the dumbest shit possible.

 
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The chances are high that living together was not going as good in her view and she just didn't tell you. And it might not have had anything to do with you specifically. Some people just are not good at relationships or living with others. Her vague reasoning for the break up and weird decision to not ask you to go with her suggests the relationship wasn't as solid on her end but she was afraid to express it.
Yeah with the benefit of hindsight it seems likely she was homesick far longer than I thought and going up for the holidays advanced the feelings rapidly
 
Don't think about it, anything can happen but honestly if it was this easy for her to break stuff off without a conversation she was already half a foot out the door without you knowing....and EVEN IF you got back together the next time will be even easier cause she will recall what made her bail the first time.

It might suck for a little while, it may suck for a long time. My first real relationship when I was younger was 3+ years and she broke it off out of nowhere and moved on immediately and that shit hurt for years. Best advice is just work on you, don't worry about finding the next girl cause that isn't going to work for you while you are healing. Indulge in a hobby that you like, if it's gaming dip into a MMO or something you can sink some time into and heal emotionally. If you're a gym guy go there, just keep yourself occupied so you don't sit around thinking about "what if i did this" or "what did I do wrong" Not to be mean, but she sounds a little messed up in the head (could be religious upbringing and hooking up with an atheist), long term you will likely see you dodged a bullet. You were still in the honeymoon phase of living together and anything long term really doesn't count as it's just two people texting/chatting versus living in a day to day relationship.

Best of luck

TLDR: It'll get better, don't dwell and don't stalk socials
No she is. That was a chief reason why she broke it off because she realized this and felt that upon reflection her reaction and the whole weekend made her realize she needs help but she wants to get help in the other state and also single so that was that
 
What kind of dog? And that’s her loss. The dog should be a wonderful source of unconditional love and support for you right now. You should think of that as like a bonus parting gift. She gets to deal with all her bullshit meanwhile you got yourself your own homie (or homette).
Little Harley. She’s a girl. A cute little pit puppy
 
For more context guys, cause this has made a lot of people I’ve talked to kinda go “ooooooh… yeah dude this was inevitable”

I’m 25 and she is only 22 years old. I was her first everything. And she’s extremely family oriented. But yeah not even 23
 

MastAndo

Member
I'm still confused though. She can't seem to deal with dating an atheist (while being one herself) because it will cause issues with her family. So, she wants someone who is heavily religious to avoid that? Won't that just cause bigger problems in her actual relationship with this person since they would be so diametrically opposed on an important issue?
 
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I'm still confused though. She can't seem to deal with dating an atheist (while being one herself) because it will cause issues with her family. So, she wants someone who is heavily religious to avoid that? Won't that just cause bigger problems in her actual relationship with this person since they would be so diametrically opposed on an important issue?
So it’s very nebulous but as I understand, she’s not going to get a new person at all. She indicated she won’t be romantic or looking for someone for a very very long time. It’s that she realized she has major issues relating to family and identity and individuality and will seek therapy or self help but not with a bf and not in my home state of texas with me

She is basically just trading our life down here to go and watch jeopardy with the grandparents and play cards with the cousins and sister
 

sono

Gold Member
Hey we are here for you. It isnt easy. As other have said, time really will help, try to find things to occupy your mind, use the gym, study, work whatever works for you. Go out with friends and look forward to the next chapter. Its time to move on now.
 
A lot of it spawns from a disapproval of me due to me being atheist and them being heavily religious. As well as intense subconscious approval and validation needing on her end from her family. She's as atheist as me but has been a closet atheist for years now to appease family and not rock the boat. Well I go in and I thought it went well but she absolutely freaked out and panicked basically and later we talked alone and she was crying and anxious and we had a big disagreement over it that led to me driving back home the very next day.

When she returned we had our worst fight yet that im not proud of and she went to stay at her sisters and basically kind of broke things off but indicated we would talk tomorrow and I had hope that this could be salvaged. I couldn't fathom this would end our 3 year involvement almost. Well she comes back and it was immediately clear she had made up her mind to dump me and this was merely a courtesy to come, tell me, let me down easy, get some clothes, and go back to her sisters. All my compromises and postulations were useless and stonewalled immediately. I was heartbroken. I couldn't believe it. I still can't. She explained that she simply can't mix me and family due to mental issues on her part and she will get help for this but not with a boyfriend. And she's moving back home and had her mind set in that. So different cities was a big factor. I even offered to go up with her back to her college town but was again turned down.

After reading this portion, my initial thought was doubt. Doubt that one big argument would kill 3 years. Usually it means that person was looking for an 'out' and found it within a well-timed moment. However, after reading this:

I’m 25 and she is only 22 years old. I was her first everything. And she’s extremely family oriented. But yeah not even 23
I have changed my mind. Pre-25 year old relationships can be fickle for everyone, and simply having anything beyond a year+ is something to be thankful of. A lot of the secondary stuff that bogs down what could be a great relationship slowly sheds away post 25, maybe even closer to 30, once each party is more aware of what they want and aren't so keen on letting other factors ruin it for them.

It will take a lot of time and you might even encounter a rebound relationship OP, but you will have to endure through it. I just hope that if you do end up going into a rebound relationship instead of taking time to yourself, try your hardest to not treat that person like they're being used solely for personal gain. At the end of the day humans are still humans, and being on the other side of a person rebounding is also a terrible thing for one to feel.

Edit:
So it’s very nebulous but as I understand, she’s not going to get a new person at all. She indicated she won’t be romantic or looking for someone for a very very long time. It’s that she realized she has major issues relating to family and identity and individuality and will seek therapy or self help but not with a bf and not in my home state of texas with me

She is basically just trading our life down here to go and watch jeopardy with the grandparents and play cards with the cousins and sister
And this is why the doubt still lingers above. Coming from someone who has been through, seen, and heard enough bullshit in life, this very much feels like a load of it. Then again, 22 is young. Only 4 years after high school and people around that age are treated like they should have all of the answers but they don't. I'm just not sure.
 
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It's hard to accept at first. I get it. But if she's ghosting you then it's time to move on and focus your mind on other things.

Get to the gym if you're not already.

Become an sexual walrus. Have a one night stand every night (wrap up)

You'll then meet somebody else from being one of earth's greatest sex conquerors and can finally move on.
I'm with this guy.

Get out there and get fucking anything that moves. If it's got a back-bone, FUCK IT! 😜
 

NecrosaroIII

Ask me about my terrible takes on Star Trek characters
You find someone new to date. And also don't be diametrically opposed in beliefs.
I think it can work, but it requires a level of work and respect to do. I'm an atheist, my wife is a devout Christian. The type that volunteers at her church when she can.

We're both mature about it and not try to convince each other to convert to the others beliefs. We've had some incredible theological conversations because we both try to see the other side's points and treat each other with respect. The key is to not insult each other's beliefs and not have the need to be "right".
I don't know if that's common though. It requires a mindset a lot of people don't have.
 

Winter John

Gold Member
Your dating some girl for 3 years who instantly dumps you because you showed up at her parent's to surprise her huh? Bullshit. Total 100% bullshit. The whore was cheating on you. Religion my ass. What happened was you turned up and ruined the slut's weekend fuck fest. God just gave you an easy out buddy. Take the win.
 

EviLore

Expansive Ellipses
Staff Member
Tough situation to happen when you were trying to do something kind. But if she’s willing to break it off in response, then she didn’t see you as the one and was looking for a reason. So it’s better that it happened now rather than after more years invested.

You’re young, this is how it goes, don’t sweat it.

Hit the gym, live life to the fullest, meet new people. Don’t withdraw from the world and spiral into the abyss. Time heals wounds but only if you have new experiences to supplant the old ones.
 

jason10mm

Gold Member
This sounds fishy to me. What religion we talking about, Bible thumping catholic or stone throwing Muslim? Mormon?

Anyway, i'd say give it a week for her to clear her head. Either she will come back after the dust settles or she is gone for good and you move on with vigor.

But unless she makes some pretty positive moves to reconcile with you don't be trapped in her orbit. This is your time to start dusting off your game, flirt with other girls, just get a sense of yourself. Try not to play the "what if, if only" game and definitely understand this is a "her problem" not a "you problem".

And bang all her friends and/or sisters....just to be sure :p
 
This sounds fishy to me. What religion we talking about, Bible thumping catholic or stone throwing Muslim? Mormon?

Anyway, i'd say give it a week for her to clear her head. Either she will come back after the dust settles or she is gone for good and you move on with vigor.

But unless she makes some pretty positive moves to reconcile with you don't be trapped in her orbit. This is your time to start dusting off your game, flirt with other girls, just get a sense of yourself. Try not to play the "what if, if only" game and definitely understand this is a "her problem" not a "you problem".

And bang all her friends and/or sisters....just to be sure :p
Hardcore Old Testament Christians :/. Baptists. That’s the family.
 
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