It would kill me.
This is going to be long, stupid, and likely a bunch of nonsense. I'm in pain every single day. Extreme pain. The only things that help at all are very strong opiates and the amount I'd have to take to manage the pain regularly would very quickly destroy my body. I've already built up a high tolerance to Hydrocodone and Hydromorphone only helps for a very short time.
Today is a bad day (and a lonely day on top of that) and I just want to take some pills and not feel like shit, but that all goes down a really bad rabbit hole.
I've been in pain for as long as I can remember. I don't know what a day without it is. I'm 32 years old and most days for me are just torture. Some of it's Neuropathy problems, some of it's Arthritis, and some of it various "Specialists" and doctors can't even properly explain to me. None of the various medications they've had me go through do anything at all to curb the pain outside of high doses of Opiates.
I've always had issues with medication. Not the addiction kind of issue though. Something worse. They're terribly ineffective on my body. All kinds of them, from pain killers to anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I'm one of those people they just happen to not work on. They also almost always come with pretty terrible side effects when they're the Psychiatric kind.
I've had lots of experience with the Psychiatric kind. A lot of shit happened around me when I was a kid. I eventually became extremely agoraphobic and depressed. I went from being a kid who started reading full adult-level Novels in First Grade and getting Straight A's to failing classes and dropping out of school at 15 years old. I started almost never leaving my house at that point. I couldn't concentrate and had huge anxiety and depression problems.
My mother tried to get me help, but none of it worked. I saw many psychologists and psychiatrists thanks to insurance being awesome back then. I spent the next 10 years of my life trying literally every medication available at the time and basically feeling like a guinea pig for them. Most had very severe side effects and none of them helped even a little bit. There were also alternative treatments and I was very cooperative and would try anything suggested, but not a single thing panned out.
Eventually, I just gave up on that and resigned myself to only rarely being able to go outside. I figured a decade of slamming my head into a wall while trying everything possible was good enough. I made my peace with that part of the situation.
All the while it had always hurt just to walk on top of all of that. I'm not sure when it started. Maybe it was always there. I've always had physical problems. Not deformities or anything really life-threatening, just extreme levels of constant pain. I more or less lost my sense of smell around age 10 as well. Everything has only gotten worse and worse as I've gotten older. More pain, more problems. Sometimes I wake up screaming in pain, it sucks.
I've always felt pretty lost, like my mind was just constantly drifting. I spend most of my time playing video games, watching Anime/TV/Movies, and reading message boards. What else is there to do when you're stuck inside 24/7, right? I usually try not to think much and just get absorbed in things. I do very much enjoy all of that and truly love it all, I wouldn't do it otherwise, but it's also all just another day for me and makes me feel kind of detached from the world. It can leave me really empty.
Last year was really good for me though. I started up a complicated, but fulfilling long-distance relationship with a woman in December of 2014. It had been a long time since I had been in a relationship and it was messy at times, but it was going well and working out and we had plans to move in together. I still had all my problems and it was tough, but I was feeling like a real person again. I was in as much pain as ever, but it was so much easier to get through and I was quite happy. She understood all of my stuff, had her own issues as everyone does, and was okay with it, and I thought everything was good.
Then on Christmas Eve of December 2015 she told me she had cancer. Best day ever to give someone that news, right? She's gotten through it, but it changed her quite a bit and things have gone downhill since then. We've gotten into some big arguments. Or well, she did a lot of yelling at me anyways. I guess she felt she could fix me, change things. I thought she understood and could accept things, but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. She now says she thought at one point I'd get a job, even though I can't possibly do that in my current condition, and that I "have so much potential" (which is bullshit).
It's not about the money (which was never an issue, thankfully), just that she wanted me to be more of a person or something. She now has it in her head that all I do is spend every day doing nothing but "leisure" and that I should at least go volunteer somewhere. Sometimes it feels like she thinks that you can't or shouldn't enjoy time at home unless you're torturing yourself at a job all day long. Never mind that I'm in more pain than ever and I have to fight anxiety on top of all of that which just kills me. Being here at home all day is not some stroll in the park and it takes everything I have to keep myself together a lot of the time.
Another part of the argument was her being mad at me for "giving up." Never mind the fact that I went above and beyond what anyone would expect of a person with trying medication and treatment for an entire decade of my life. I tried and tried and failed and tried again over and over and picked myself up trying to fix shit no matter how many times it didn't work out for over 10 straight years. I do not give up on anything easily and I think I tried enough. That doesn't seem to matter to her anymore though.
She absolutely hates her job, btw. Most of the things we've "talked" about for a while now is just her telling me about her awful coworkers that she never takes steps to do anything about. She just sits there and puts up with all of it while it totally drains her. Oh, and she never told anyone at work that she had cancer and never took any time off for it. Just worked through it all with some crazy level of stoicism that I can't even comprehend.
So anyways, that relationship has gone downhill. She's always too tired from work now to talk much, we haven't seen each other in a while, and it feels like we've totally drifted apart. Hell, it basically feels like she's bored of me. In one of the last arguments she mentioned she might want to try living/being alone for a while (she was on her 15th year of marriage when we met - yeah yeah, I know). I don't know if it's over, it probably isn't going to work out. I wish it would, but what am I supposed to do at this point?
Now I'm back to feeling how I was before last year. Empty, drifting, trying to keep my head straight while pushing down a shitload of pain that will never ago away.
TL;DR: My insomnia kicked in, I felt like writing down my thoughts for the first time in forever, and I just want to take a shitload of fucking opiates, man. But I can't, because it'll only make things worse.
And sorry if there's already thread more appropriate to put this post in!
This is going to be long, stupid, and likely a bunch of nonsense. I'm in pain every single day. Extreme pain. The only things that help at all are very strong opiates and the amount I'd have to take to manage the pain regularly would very quickly destroy my body. I've already built up a high tolerance to Hydrocodone and Hydromorphone only helps for a very short time.
Today is a bad day (and a lonely day on top of that) and I just want to take some pills and not feel like shit, but that all goes down a really bad rabbit hole.
I've been in pain for as long as I can remember. I don't know what a day without it is. I'm 32 years old and most days for me are just torture. Some of it's Neuropathy problems, some of it's Arthritis, and some of it various "Specialists" and doctors can't even properly explain to me. None of the various medications they've had me go through do anything at all to curb the pain outside of high doses of Opiates.
I've always had issues with medication. Not the addiction kind of issue though. Something worse. They're terribly ineffective on my body. All kinds of them, from pain killers to anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I'm one of those people they just happen to not work on. They also almost always come with pretty terrible side effects when they're the Psychiatric kind.
I've had lots of experience with the Psychiatric kind. A lot of shit happened around me when I was a kid. I eventually became extremely agoraphobic and depressed. I went from being a kid who started reading full adult-level Novels in First Grade and getting Straight A's to failing classes and dropping out of school at 15 years old. I started almost never leaving my house at that point. I couldn't concentrate and had huge anxiety and depression problems.
My mother tried to get me help, but none of it worked. I saw many psychologists and psychiatrists thanks to insurance being awesome back then. I spent the next 10 years of my life trying literally every medication available at the time and basically feeling like a guinea pig for them. Most had very severe side effects and none of them helped even a little bit. There were also alternative treatments and I was very cooperative and would try anything suggested, but not a single thing panned out.
Eventually, I just gave up on that and resigned myself to only rarely being able to go outside. I figured a decade of slamming my head into a wall while trying everything possible was good enough. I made my peace with that part of the situation.
All the while it had always hurt just to walk on top of all of that. I'm not sure when it started. Maybe it was always there. I've always had physical problems. Not deformities or anything really life-threatening, just extreme levels of constant pain. I more or less lost my sense of smell around age 10 as well. Everything has only gotten worse and worse as I've gotten older. More pain, more problems. Sometimes I wake up screaming in pain, it sucks.
I've always felt pretty lost, like my mind was just constantly drifting. I spend most of my time playing video games, watching Anime/TV/Movies, and reading message boards. What else is there to do when you're stuck inside 24/7, right? I usually try not to think much and just get absorbed in things. I do very much enjoy all of that and truly love it all, I wouldn't do it otherwise, but it's also all just another day for me and makes me feel kind of detached from the world. It can leave me really empty.
Last year was really good for me though. I started up a complicated, but fulfilling long-distance relationship with a woman in December of 2014. It had been a long time since I had been in a relationship and it was messy at times, but it was going well and working out and we had plans to move in together. I still had all my problems and it was tough, but I was feeling like a real person again. I was in as much pain as ever, but it was so much easier to get through and I was quite happy. She understood all of my stuff, had her own issues as everyone does, and was okay with it, and I thought everything was good.
Then on Christmas Eve of December 2015 she told me she had cancer. Best day ever to give someone that news, right? She's gotten through it, but it changed her quite a bit and things have gone downhill since then. We've gotten into some big arguments. Or well, she did a lot of yelling at me anyways. I guess she felt she could fix me, change things. I thought she understood and could accept things, but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. She now says she thought at one point I'd get a job, even though I can't possibly do that in my current condition, and that I "have so much potential" (which is bullshit).
It's not about the money (which was never an issue, thankfully), just that she wanted me to be more of a person or something. She now has it in her head that all I do is spend every day doing nothing but "leisure" and that I should at least go volunteer somewhere. Sometimes it feels like she thinks that you can't or shouldn't enjoy time at home unless you're torturing yourself at a job all day long. Never mind that I'm in more pain than ever and I have to fight anxiety on top of all of that which just kills me. Being here at home all day is not some stroll in the park and it takes everything I have to keep myself together a lot of the time.
Another part of the argument was her being mad at me for "giving up." Never mind the fact that I went above and beyond what anyone would expect of a person with trying medication and treatment for an entire decade of my life. I tried and tried and failed and tried again over and over and picked myself up trying to fix shit no matter how many times it didn't work out for over 10 straight years. I do not give up on anything easily and I think I tried enough. That doesn't seem to matter to her anymore though.
She absolutely hates her job, btw. Most of the things we've "talked" about for a while now is just her telling me about her awful coworkers that she never takes steps to do anything about. She just sits there and puts up with all of it while it totally drains her. Oh, and she never told anyone at work that she had cancer and never took any time off for it. Just worked through it all with some crazy level of stoicism that I can't even comprehend.
So anyways, that relationship has gone downhill. She's always too tired from work now to talk much, we haven't seen each other in a while, and it feels like we've totally drifted apart. Hell, it basically feels like she's bored of me. In one of the last arguments she mentioned she might want to try living/being alone for a while (she was on her 15th year of marriage when we met - yeah yeah, I know). I don't know if it's over, it probably isn't going to work out. I wish it would, but what am I supposed to do at this point?
Now I'm back to feeling how I was before last year. Empty, drifting, trying to keep my head straight while pushing down a shitload of pain that will never ago away.
TL;DR: My insomnia kicked in, I felt like writing down my thoughts for the first time in forever, and I just want to take a shitload of fucking opiates, man. But I can't, because it'll only make things worse.
And sorry if there's already thread more appropriate to put this post in!
