Smiles and Cries
Member
Here is a journal for GAF, its been a long time since I wrote down my drama so let me write down a little book about what has been bugging me for a few months now.
I looked up this word this morning
masochism
1. The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused.
2. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself.
3. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.
I think the third part fits me pretty well. I've been depressed all year trying to work hard to put pieces of my life back together after spending 2 and a half years investing everything into making a relationship work with someone who lived a very different lifestyle than I do.
I am a Painter/Artist she is a Virgin Preacher's Kid who goes to Church 3 to 4 time per week. Not in town mind you but driving 90 minutes to get there very dedicated in a very cult like environment. A very reserved Pentecostal group.
It was hell trying to change my own life just to fit into her circle.
When she met me about 10 years. I was just getting out of college.
I met her at the library and I just felt like talking to her. She grew up in the same town as I did in Haiti so we had a few things in common we ended up exchanging numbers.
I was dating someone at the time but she was Haitian and my other relationship was not very deep it was mostly because it was a very hot Jamaican girl and our relationship was mostly physical.
I did not think I wanted anything with this girl I met at the Library. She called me that night we talk. She asked me about my relationship I told her the truth and she in turn told me she was a preacher's kid her father died doing the Lord's work... yadda yadda yadda.
While in College I joined the International Church of Christ in South Florida. A known cult at the time. I was always pretty messed up in the head after seeing my mother die when I was 14. So I thought I did not give the religion thing enough of a chance to make changes in my life. I was also born with a very painful disease. So after this cult thing did not work out. The emotional abuse from that group made me hate all types of Christian talk. I was very bitter and resentful.
So here is this virgin on the phone with me trying to talk to me although I'm so far from a believer at this point. But she had a funny kind of charm about her. She seemed very curious about my relationship, my sex life and other things about me. This little friendship lasted a few years we would meet at the mall and have lunch a few times but being religious and a virgin was like a cross to a vampire to me. I wanted nothing more from her than the casual friendship we shared.
She knew I had women in my life so she also wanted nothing to do with me.
(so I thought)
I little time after I moved lost contact for a bit... One day she found out I was in the hospital and came running. I hate people visiting me when I'm sick. But here she was looking all worried. She wanted a hug. we never hugged! Then before she left she said "I love You..." I dunno I was high on my pain killers anyway... so all that came out was "Ditto" that silly movie Ghost was playing on the TV over my bed.
I got home a few weeks later and she would call all the time. Then she wanted to come over all the time. I could tell she had feelings so I began to panic, she started to tell me about the major Church meetings and Conventions more than usual. It was not a subject I love talking about she knew that but since she saw me sick she felt I could get cured if I attended her Church.
I started to really freak out now so she called on the phone and I cursed her out pretty strongly. If it was any of the other women I hung with it would have been nothing they would just have curse me back and come knocking at my door for make up sex or something. But this was a girl who never cursed, you could not even get her to say the word "Shit"
This is what I wanted I wanted to end things before I started accepting her feelings. I did not want to be forced to join another group just to be with someone.
Life was okay for a few years after that many relationships later. I got very sick so I was not painting or doing shows anymore so money was no longer easy.
but even during this time I had many failed relationships.
in 2001 I had a cool girlfriend I wanted to spend my life with. She was 23 and I was 27
but on September 11th I got her pregnant. She found out a month later, I was very nervous when she took the test but I was not prepared for her reaction at all. She did not want the baby all. Even at 23 she felt her Jamaican parents would be very disappointed in her for being pregnant. So instead of thinking about us and the baby. Not disappointing her parents was the only thing on her mind. She spent the next week coming over depressed and crying until I caved in and supported her choice.
So here I am like the movie "Babyboy" taking my girl to the clinic... but I was not smart enough to stand outside and chew gum. I went in as far as they would allow me held her hand in the waiting room full of 13-16 year old. I was like WTF!@
The screams of little girls while waiting in that room was a nightmare, I would swear to never have sex again.
I was pretty depressed about the whole thing but I wanted to be strong for her. I love this girl and wanted to do all I could to make things right. Everything in me wanted to force her to have this baby but here I was sitting in this damn place. I felt I made the choice to kill my own child because I was not man enough. I still regret it.
I thought I was saving her from something she did not want. I was wrong the next week she came over she tried to stab herself with a knife which I took from her. then she tried to jump out my window and I stopped her. I lived on the 3 floor she rain out and took the elevator. I ran down the stairs. Had to wrestle her down to the grown to take her keys while she was screaming call the police
She ran away but I had her keys. I really did not want her to drive I feel she really wanted to hurt herself. I believed her because she took sleeping pills while in UCONN because she had a hard time dealing with being sexually molested by a close family friend when she was younger. So this girl had many issues. But so did I. And I wanted her to live.
Anyway police came explained why I took her keys. They agreed she was too upset to drive and gave her a ride to the train station.
I started to worry about what she would do at home when she got there her parents knew nothing about me because she shared nothing personal with them since she felt they would not believe she was molested by that person who ever he was.
So they did not know she had a boyfriend or just had an abortion a week ago.
I decided to call her parents and talked to her mother about how upset and depressed she might be so they could look out for her.
He father came to get the keys. He never met me but I could tell he wanted to kick my ass. He was a short old Jamaican man but mean looking.
A week later she came over with her mom. At her mom's request she wanted to thank me for stopping her from hurting herself because she knew her daughter's history with trying to end her life.
Anyway the family packed up the next day and took her on a month Vacation to Jamaica.
Then Shipped her off to California. Dad did not want her to have anything to do with me. So she obeyed and I never saw her again.
Next major mess came a few years later. I was living a life of Celibacy out of guilt.
So the next twisted woman entered my life.
I was coming back from Washington DC I was there to show my Art at an event.
I was asked to show some work at another event in Connecticut. I did not want to attend but the person asking me wanted a favor so I said okay. It was some Gala black tie event with a bunch of rich people and the mayor of Stamford showing up. I sat outside the main room at a table set up for my Art. Only to go in to get a few words I was asked to do. As soon as I was finished speaking it was time for the dancing part of the night.
I excused myself and with outside to my art table.
The MC came out and some tall dark lawyer dude came out to rap to her. This event was for Sickle Cell so the crowd was mostly upper class black people.
The MC was a local TV personality. She did the local ABC news for years. I remember drolling over her when I was in college. But tonight I did not care I was a broke ass artist and the only reason I was asked to be here was because I had Sickle Cell myself. So I tried to ignore both of them... He was asking her for a dance so she went in for one dance and rushed back out. She started making a fuss over my art. And the Lawyer dude came chasing her again she handed him her camera and said take our picture.
I stood next to her near a painting I had on display.
Lawyer dude soon felt he was not wanted so went back inside. She started telling me that working at the TV Station she met a lot of famous people but never did this before. She said she really wanted me to sign her event book. She wanted an autograph WTF?
Anyway we talked a little bit. She was being very kind with her words. I was acting very meh... but we ended up exchanging emails.
That was the end of September --- 27th I think. I would met her again on my Birthday October 2nd she wanted to take me out to dinner.
We only talked by email for a few days but here I was sitting across the most beautiful sister I have ever had the chance to be with. She was well educated and classy. She left the station after her divorce and was teaching classes at a very respectable school. She was older than me by 5-6 years.
So no matter how much she smiled at me I was feeling very small.
We had diner at a very classy place. I was shocked when she leaned over the table and kissed me not a long kiss but not a peck it was just enough to get my attention.
After diner we talked a bit I dunno how I ended up back at her place but she suggested it. I'm still in a daze I was not thinking of it as a date until she kissed me.
It was my Birthday and this was turning out to be the best bday ever. She wanted to get comfortable but she did not allow me just to sit in the living room, it was a loft still apartment with her bedroom upstairs but open to the whole space. So no walls. Somehow I can't remember why I was still talking to her like her best friend but and on her bed. She took off everything but her bra and panties.
It was Angelic! She was babyface video when she was younger so let me tell you this woman was a 10. How the hell was I going to continue to talk like her little buddy while being so close to that body? So I went for it. It was okay for a minute but she stopped me and said she can't do this. She drove me home.
I felt I fucked up a good thing.... but it was more than that... She had just broken up with her boyfriend and was still annoyed about her abusive marriage that ended. She was a Trophy wife to these kinds of men. Very rich and powerful dudes.
Her boyfriend who she said she was broken up with is an extremely famous Jazz dude that you will see on PBS from time to time. Even on Stage with Steve Jobs at a point just to piss me off and make me look smaller. He was an asshat the reason they broke up was because her and her girlfriend went into the city to party got a little too drunk she called him to let them crash at his place.
She was a little too wasted to give him some that night and turned him down but when she work up dude was fucking her best friend right there on the same bed next to her.
I was upset when I heard this story but she had many other issues. Because of her looks she was raped in College, became a trophy wife to a dude who did not love her.
So I could tell she still had feeling for the Jazz dude. And when we hung out again she told me I was not the kind of man she dated at all. Meaning I had no money. But for some reason I was able to win her heart for a little while. The sex was awesome. Although Jazz dude, Lawyer Dudes and a Bunch of Doctor dudes kept calling telling her they wanted to take care of her.
She had dreams of getting her PHD so she wanted to break things off with me to go and teach in California. So for 4 months after proposing to her and her saying yes, SHE WAS GONE. Moved away. A went into another few years of Celibacy broken up inside because I was a failure. I felt like a fucking loser every time I saw Jazz dude on TV and freaking iTunes and Apple kept his face on my damn powerbook
I loved that girl but did not have his kind of money to keep her. So I stayed friends with her she still cared for me but I was not the one you know.
Depressed and out of it I moved to Texas that shit went downhill fast I became homeless, took a trip to South Beach Miami and lived in a Hostel for a 8 months. I loved it until Hurricane Season and some Stalker dude who thought he was the owner of J Records.
3 years ago I move in here at a nice loft for Artists and trying to get my life back on track and bam! Who contacts me... THE VIRGIN girl I started this long story with. After going through all the shit I went through I was more will to listen now... She started slowly coming over after work sometimes late. I remember the first time she came her she stood at my door for 3 hours she said knocking.
I was a sleep and this is a loft I could not hear a knock at my door. But I found it strange that she was at it for 3 hours!
So I decided that was enough dedication for me to ask her out... The Celibacy thing was getting old she was still very religious and still a virgin. We when on our first date. Her first movie theater experience (freaking cults I swear) It was her first MOVIE! first time going out to see one.
"Mr and Mrs Smith" She loved the dancing they did at the start.
So when I got back home we talked about the movie for a long time she wanted to dance with me I said okay... I put on some soft Jazz since I did not want to scare her religious nature to the surface,
I picked - In a Sentimental Mood - Duke Ellington & John Coltrane (on loop)
Danced with her... She was extremely clumsy and shaking. I could tell she liked me so I went in for the kiss after a few loops.
SHE DID NOT KNOW HOW TO KISS WTF!
This girl was so innocent I fell in love right there. I was afraid of her kind years ago but now I felt I wanted to take it slow. She was a religious girl and a virgin. No way I was going to Mike Tyson her into giving me some even though she was at my place after midnight.
After dating for a few months I knew I could be no good to her with my current way of life. I had to make a choice and attend church with her. Get to know what she loved about that whole way of life.
That place was very backwards and closed minded but it was what made her happy.
After two years we made no progress at trying to get married although I wanted to be with her, her family told her she could not marry a man that would die on her at any second. Sickle Cell was a major issue for them so they made me an enemy. The Church was also not a good place at all. During this time I created no art. I placed my life on her path and followed her lifestyle.
Blue balls every night... although I started to pressure her after 6 months the most I did to her was heavy petting and oral sex on her. I never got more that a hand job.
I wanted to kill someone by the end of 2006 so I broke it off it was too much... I was becoming very abusive and mean towards her because of all the pressure and everything that surrounded us.
So I had to let go. Its not like she did not want to marry me, but she was extremely afraid of Sex and also was afraid I was too worldly to be her husband.
So 2007 and broke all year, because I had placed my work on hold all my time was spent with her at Church for 2 years.
This summer after finding out a friend died for Sickle Cell... Each and every night all I can think about is how to end my life in the painless way possible.
I got sick a few times and tried not going to the hospital for help just to see if this shit would just take its course and be done with it.
I also felt for a month now that God is bullshit. I want to believe but it feels like a cruel joke.
I'm highly depressed but I hate to lose so I keep going everyday... She emailed me last night. It reminded me how lonely I am. I kept away from everyone I never leave my house but to eat or do a favor for someone asking me to do something for Sickle Cell.
Last month I shipped most of my left over art some of my best work and donated to a Children Hospital in California. I've been preparing to end my life for a while now. I was looking at the Japanese Suicide thread and I wish I had the same mentality. But I grew up with the ideals of never allowing myself to stop fighting to live and survive this disease. Most people with Sickle Cell died at a very young age. I dunno why the fuck I'm still alive. It has has not been a quality life. I had very few happy times. Just many many unpleasant or trying experiences.
Part of me just wishes I could make up with my ex and try again but I can't fucking stand church and her family downing me... I'm just going to grow to resent her for it thats why I left, so I would not abuse her out of frustration.
What a fucking joke a woman who is kind to me and seems to love me but is bound by a strange fear from being intimate with me.
So why can't I DO IT?! Why can't I off myself I really want to do it but I sleep on it and think about maybe things will change. But I feel if things keep going this way I'll ended up harming other people instead of myself. I'm slowly losing it, so thats my story GAF I'm tired I did not sleep last night again... I'm trying to laugh at all of this shit but its just not funny any more. Why do I keep living?
Like I said I think I am a masochist
3. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.
Fuck this EMO Shit I'm going to sleep...
EDIT: Mods please do not BAN in this thread
Ok GAF I gave you enough fuel, gone to bed now meh
I looked up this word this morning
masochism
1. The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused.
2. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself.
3. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.
I think the third part fits me pretty well. I've been depressed all year trying to work hard to put pieces of my life back together after spending 2 and a half years investing everything into making a relationship work with someone who lived a very different lifestyle than I do.
I am a Painter/Artist she is a Virgin Preacher's Kid who goes to Church 3 to 4 time per week. Not in town mind you but driving 90 minutes to get there very dedicated in a very cult like environment. A very reserved Pentecostal group.
It was hell trying to change my own life just to fit into her circle.
When she met me about 10 years. I was just getting out of college.
I met her at the library and I just felt like talking to her. She grew up in the same town as I did in Haiti so we had a few things in common we ended up exchanging numbers.
I was dating someone at the time but she was Haitian and my other relationship was not very deep it was mostly because it was a very hot Jamaican girl and our relationship was mostly physical.
I did not think I wanted anything with this girl I met at the Library. She called me that night we talk. She asked me about my relationship I told her the truth and she in turn told me she was a preacher's kid her father died doing the Lord's work... yadda yadda yadda.
While in College I joined the International Church of Christ in South Florida. A known cult at the time. I was always pretty messed up in the head after seeing my mother die when I was 14. So I thought I did not give the religion thing enough of a chance to make changes in my life. I was also born with a very painful disease. So after this cult thing did not work out. The emotional abuse from that group made me hate all types of Christian talk. I was very bitter and resentful.
So here is this virgin on the phone with me trying to talk to me although I'm so far from a believer at this point. But she had a funny kind of charm about her. She seemed very curious about my relationship, my sex life and other things about me. This little friendship lasted a few years we would meet at the mall and have lunch a few times but being religious and a virgin was like a cross to a vampire to me. I wanted nothing more from her than the casual friendship we shared.
She knew I had women in my life so she also wanted nothing to do with me.
(so I thought)
I little time after I moved lost contact for a bit... One day she found out I was in the hospital and came running. I hate people visiting me when I'm sick. But here she was looking all worried. She wanted a hug. we never hugged! Then before she left she said "I love You..." I dunno I was high on my pain killers anyway... so all that came out was "Ditto" that silly movie Ghost was playing on the TV over my bed.
I got home a few weeks later and she would call all the time. Then she wanted to come over all the time. I could tell she had feelings so I began to panic, she started to tell me about the major Church meetings and Conventions more than usual. It was not a subject I love talking about she knew that but since she saw me sick she felt I could get cured if I attended her Church.
I started to really freak out now so she called on the phone and I cursed her out pretty strongly. If it was any of the other women I hung with it would have been nothing they would just have curse me back and come knocking at my door for make up sex or something. But this was a girl who never cursed, you could not even get her to say the word "Shit"
This is what I wanted I wanted to end things before I started accepting her feelings. I did not want to be forced to join another group just to be with someone.
Life was okay for a few years after that many relationships later. I got very sick so I was not painting or doing shows anymore so money was no longer easy.
but even during this time I had many failed relationships.
in 2001 I had a cool girlfriend I wanted to spend my life with. She was 23 and I was 27
but on September 11th I got her pregnant. She found out a month later, I was very nervous when she took the test but I was not prepared for her reaction at all. She did not want the baby all. Even at 23 she felt her Jamaican parents would be very disappointed in her for being pregnant. So instead of thinking about us and the baby. Not disappointing her parents was the only thing on her mind. She spent the next week coming over depressed and crying until I caved in and supported her choice.
So here I am like the movie "Babyboy" taking my girl to the clinic... but I was not smart enough to stand outside and chew gum. I went in as far as they would allow me held her hand in the waiting room full of 13-16 year old. I was like WTF!@
The screams of little girls while waiting in that room was a nightmare, I would swear to never have sex again.
I was pretty depressed about the whole thing but I wanted to be strong for her. I love this girl and wanted to do all I could to make things right. Everything in me wanted to force her to have this baby but here I was sitting in this damn place. I felt I made the choice to kill my own child because I was not man enough. I still regret it.
I thought I was saving her from something she did not want. I was wrong the next week she came over she tried to stab herself with a knife which I took from her. then she tried to jump out my window and I stopped her. I lived on the 3 floor she rain out and took the elevator. I ran down the stairs. Had to wrestle her down to the grown to take her keys while she was screaming call the police
She ran away but I had her keys. I really did not want her to drive I feel she really wanted to hurt herself. I believed her because she took sleeping pills while in UCONN because she had a hard time dealing with being sexually molested by a close family friend when she was younger. So this girl had many issues. But so did I. And I wanted her to live.
Anyway police came explained why I took her keys. They agreed she was too upset to drive and gave her a ride to the train station.
I started to worry about what she would do at home when she got there her parents knew nothing about me because she shared nothing personal with them since she felt they would not believe she was molested by that person who ever he was.
So they did not know she had a boyfriend or just had an abortion a week ago.
I decided to call her parents and talked to her mother about how upset and depressed she might be so they could look out for her.
He father came to get the keys. He never met me but I could tell he wanted to kick my ass. He was a short old Jamaican man but mean looking.
A week later she came over with her mom. At her mom's request she wanted to thank me for stopping her from hurting herself because she knew her daughter's history with trying to end her life.
Anyway the family packed up the next day and took her on a month Vacation to Jamaica.
Then Shipped her off to California. Dad did not want her to have anything to do with me. So she obeyed and I never saw her again.
Next major mess came a few years later. I was living a life of Celibacy out of guilt.
So the next twisted woman entered my life.
I was coming back from Washington DC I was there to show my Art at an event.
I was asked to show some work at another event in Connecticut. I did not want to attend but the person asking me wanted a favor so I said okay. It was some Gala black tie event with a bunch of rich people and the mayor of Stamford showing up. I sat outside the main room at a table set up for my Art. Only to go in to get a few words I was asked to do. As soon as I was finished speaking it was time for the dancing part of the night.
I excused myself and with outside to my art table.
The MC came out and some tall dark lawyer dude came out to rap to her. This event was for Sickle Cell so the crowd was mostly upper class black people.
The MC was a local TV personality. She did the local ABC news for years. I remember drolling over her when I was in college. But tonight I did not care I was a broke ass artist and the only reason I was asked to be here was because I had Sickle Cell myself. So I tried to ignore both of them... He was asking her for a dance so she went in for one dance and rushed back out. She started making a fuss over my art. And the Lawyer dude came chasing her again she handed him her camera and said take our picture.
I stood next to her near a painting I had on display.
Lawyer dude soon felt he was not wanted so went back inside. She started telling me that working at the TV Station she met a lot of famous people but never did this before. She said she really wanted me to sign her event book. She wanted an autograph WTF?
Anyway we talked a little bit. She was being very kind with her words. I was acting very meh... but we ended up exchanging emails.
That was the end of September --- 27th I think. I would met her again on my Birthday October 2nd she wanted to take me out to dinner.
We only talked by email for a few days but here I was sitting across the most beautiful sister I have ever had the chance to be with. She was well educated and classy. She left the station after her divorce and was teaching classes at a very respectable school. She was older than me by 5-6 years.
So no matter how much she smiled at me I was feeling very small.
We had diner at a very classy place. I was shocked when she leaned over the table and kissed me not a long kiss but not a peck it was just enough to get my attention.
After diner we talked a bit I dunno how I ended up back at her place but she suggested it. I'm still in a daze I was not thinking of it as a date until she kissed me.
It was my Birthday and this was turning out to be the best bday ever. She wanted to get comfortable but she did not allow me just to sit in the living room, it was a loft still apartment with her bedroom upstairs but open to the whole space. So no walls. Somehow I can't remember why I was still talking to her like her best friend but and on her bed. She took off everything but her bra and panties.
It was Angelic! She was babyface video when she was younger so let me tell you this woman was a 10. How the hell was I going to continue to talk like her little buddy while being so close to that body? So I went for it. It was okay for a minute but she stopped me and said she can't do this. She drove me home.
I felt I fucked up a good thing.... but it was more than that... She had just broken up with her boyfriend and was still annoyed about her abusive marriage that ended. She was a Trophy wife to these kinds of men. Very rich and powerful dudes.
Her boyfriend who she said she was broken up with is an extremely famous Jazz dude that you will see on PBS from time to time. Even on Stage with Steve Jobs at a point just to piss me off and make me look smaller. He was an asshat the reason they broke up was because her and her girlfriend went into the city to party got a little too drunk she called him to let them crash at his place.
She was a little too wasted to give him some that night and turned him down but when she work up dude was fucking her best friend right there on the same bed next to her.
I was upset when I heard this story but she had many other issues. Because of her looks she was raped in College, became a trophy wife to a dude who did not love her.
So I could tell she still had feeling for the Jazz dude. And when we hung out again she told me I was not the kind of man she dated at all. Meaning I had no money. But for some reason I was able to win her heart for a little while. The sex was awesome. Although Jazz dude, Lawyer Dudes and a Bunch of Doctor dudes kept calling telling her they wanted to take care of her.
She had dreams of getting her PHD so she wanted to break things off with me to go and teach in California. So for 4 months after proposing to her and her saying yes, SHE WAS GONE. Moved away. A went into another few years of Celibacy broken up inside because I was a failure. I felt like a fucking loser every time I saw Jazz dude on TV and freaking iTunes and Apple kept his face on my damn powerbook
I loved that girl but did not have his kind of money to keep her. So I stayed friends with her she still cared for me but I was not the one you know.
Depressed and out of it I moved to Texas that shit went downhill fast I became homeless, took a trip to South Beach Miami and lived in a Hostel for a 8 months. I loved it until Hurricane Season and some Stalker dude who thought he was the owner of J Records.
3 years ago I move in here at a nice loft for Artists and trying to get my life back on track and bam! Who contacts me... THE VIRGIN girl I started this long story with. After going through all the shit I went through I was more will to listen now... She started slowly coming over after work sometimes late. I remember the first time she came her she stood at my door for 3 hours she said knocking.
I was a sleep and this is a loft I could not hear a knock at my door. But I found it strange that she was at it for 3 hours!
So I decided that was enough dedication for me to ask her out... The Celibacy thing was getting old she was still very religious and still a virgin. We when on our first date. Her first movie theater experience (freaking cults I swear) It was her first MOVIE! first time going out to see one.
"Mr and Mrs Smith" She loved the dancing they did at the start.
So when I got back home we talked about the movie for a long time she wanted to dance with me I said okay... I put on some soft Jazz since I did not want to scare her religious nature to the surface,
I picked - In a Sentimental Mood - Duke Ellington & John Coltrane (on loop)
Danced with her... She was extremely clumsy and shaking. I could tell she liked me so I went in for the kiss after a few loops.
SHE DID NOT KNOW HOW TO KISS WTF!
This girl was so innocent I fell in love right there. I was afraid of her kind years ago but now I felt I wanted to take it slow. She was a religious girl and a virgin. No way I was going to Mike Tyson her into giving me some even though she was at my place after midnight.
After dating for a few months I knew I could be no good to her with my current way of life. I had to make a choice and attend church with her. Get to know what she loved about that whole way of life.
That place was very backwards and closed minded but it was what made her happy.
After two years we made no progress at trying to get married although I wanted to be with her, her family told her she could not marry a man that would die on her at any second. Sickle Cell was a major issue for them so they made me an enemy. The Church was also not a good place at all. During this time I created no art. I placed my life on her path and followed her lifestyle.
Blue balls every night... although I started to pressure her after 6 months the most I did to her was heavy petting and oral sex on her. I never got more that a hand job.
I wanted to kill someone by the end of 2006 so I broke it off it was too much... I was becoming very abusive and mean towards her because of all the pressure and everything that surrounded us.
So I had to let go. Its not like she did not want to marry me, but she was extremely afraid of Sex and also was afraid I was too worldly to be her husband.
So 2007 and broke all year, because I had placed my work on hold all my time was spent with her at Church for 2 years.
This summer after finding out a friend died for Sickle Cell... Each and every night all I can think about is how to end my life in the painless way possible.
I got sick a few times and tried not going to the hospital for help just to see if this shit would just take its course and be done with it.
I also felt for a month now that God is bullshit. I want to believe but it feels like a cruel joke.
I'm highly depressed but I hate to lose so I keep going everyday... She emailed me last night. It reminded me how lonely I am. I kept away from everyone I never leave my house but to eat or do a favor for someone asking me to do something for Sickle Cell.
Last month I shipped most of my left over art some of my best work and donated to a Children Hospital in California. I've been preparing to end my life for a while now. I was looking at the Japanese Suicide thread and I wish I had the same mentality. But I grew up with the ideals of never allowing myself to stop fighting to live and survive this disease. Most people with Sickle Cell died at a very young age. I dunno why the fuck I'm still alive. It has has not been a quality life. I had very few happy times. Just many many unpleasant or trying experiences.
Part of me just wishes I could make up with my ex and try again but I can't fucking stand church and her family downing me... I'm just going to grow to resent her for it thats why I left, so I would not abuse her out of frustration.
What a fucking joke a woman who is kind to me and seems to love me but is bound by a strange fear from being intimate with me.
So why can't I DO IT?! Why can't I off myself I really want to do it but I sleep on it and think about maybe things will change. But I feel if things keep going this way I'll ended up harming other people instead of myself. I'm slowly losing it, so thats my story GAF I'm tired I did not sleep last night again... I'm trying to laugh at all of this shit but its just not funny any more. Why do I keep living?
Like I said I think I am a masochist
3. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.
Fuck this EMO Shit I'm going to sleep...
EDIT: Mods please do not BAN in this thread
Ok GAF I gave you enough fuel, gone to bed now meh
