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[Prospero]

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Actor

Every actor eventually is called upon to act drunk. Most do this by slurring their speech, stumbling around, and perhaps drooling a bit. This is what a freshman drama teacher calls “indicating.” A better way to appear drunk is to act very, very sober. Walk very carefully, and try not to let anyone see that you’re inebriated. This is much more subtle and will register on a level the audience won’t immediately recognize.

Cartographer

Mapmakers will often use “copyright traps,” bits of information in their maps that are purposefully wrong. They might label a body of water “Lake Strongbad,” for instance, and then examine the next editions of competitors’ maps to see if the incorrect information makes an appearance.

Landscape Architect

You will often have to create a large presentation for clients, and will spend hours coloring in landscape illustrations with markers. But if you say the drawings are “rendered” rather than “colored,” you can charge four times as much.

 

[AeroGod]

Cardboard Box Flattener

Looks like im getting a new job

 

[Ferrio]

Because developers don’t expect testers to read through their code, doing so is a quick and easy way to find possible bugs. Look for comments like “// HACK” or “// fix this crap later.”

Hehehe.

 

[Azih]

Wedding Coordinator

People’s fingers swell when they get nervous. So, when exchanging rings, tell couples to only slide the ring up to the first knuckle and let the other person push it up the rest of the way. Otherwise you run the risk of the groom breaking his bride’s finger in the middle of the ceremony.

Holy crap, that must be a pretty common thing for there to be a workaround.

 

[bjork]

"And when doing botanical work in South America, steer clear of the monkeys: They will throw sticks at you with surprising accuracy."

I thought monkeys throw poop?

 

[maharg]

Hehehe.

Mistaken motivation, there. Usually HACK, XXX, or TODO indicate something more along the lines of that the thing to do is to resolve corner cases and it simply gets forgotten in the crunch to finish the project.

 

[darscot]

Because developers don’t expect testers to read through their code, doing so is a quick and easy way to find possible bugs. Look for comments like “// HACK” or “// fix this crap later.”

Only rookies do this stuff. Any decent developer has a codeword. I myself use Fuck. No one expects to see profanity.

 

[carpal]

I worked with a guy who always complained about the problem being between the keyboard and the chair. I wanted to punch him.

The graphic design and technical support tips were really good ones!

 

[Catzgirl]

Wedding Coordinator

People’s fingers swell when they get nervous. So, when exchanging rings, tell couples to only slide the ring up to the first knuckle and let the other person push it up the rest of the way. Otherwise you run the risk of the groom breaking his bride’s finger in the middle of the ceremony.

Ooo, that would suck.

 

[demon]

Botanist
...And when doing botanical work in South America, steer clear of the monkeys: They will throw sticks at you with surprising accuracy.

Proof yet again that monkeys are awesome.


Desktop Support
When desktop support technicians resolve a ticket, they are usually required to document the cause and solution to the problem. Supervisors see these records, so you have to be professional, but can usually get away with using the acronym “PEBKAC” in situations where the user caused the initial problem. PEBKAC stands for “Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair.”

Haha, gold.

 

[Error Macro]

My occupational secret: Wear sunglasses so people can't tell that you have your eyes closed while sitting at your desk.

 

[impirius]

Technical Support

When helping someone fix their computer over the phone, and you want them to see if all the cables are plugged in correctly, don’t ask, “Have you checked to see if the cable is plugged in?” because the customer will always say, “Of course I did, do you think I’m a moron?” Instead say, “Remove the cable, blow the dust out of the connector, and plug it back in.” The customer will most likely reply, “Hey, it’s working now—I guess that dust really builds up in there!”

This one is GOLDEN. It has saved me countless headaches. I haven't tried the "dust" angle, though... I usually just tell them to unplug the cord and plug it back in so the computer will "recognize" the device.

 

[Deleted member 1235]

I worked with a guy who always complained about the problem being between the keyboard and the chair. I wanted to punch him.

That is my workmates (of 4 years, vomit) ONLY joke, and he tells it weekly and expects a laugh, I have complained about this exact gag on this forum before.

It's even worse when they try to get you to fill in the blanks.

"I know where the problem is!........" *rubs hands, grins gleefully* "It's between........."

 

[Deleted member 1235]

Desktop Support
When desktop support technicians resolve a ticket, they are usually required to document the cause and solution to the problem. Supervisors see these records, so you have to be professional, but can usually get away with using the acronym “PEBKAC” in situations where the user caused the initial problem. PEBKAC stands for “Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair.”

Haha, gold.

THAT IS NOT GOLD

 

[Mama Smurf]

"Massage Therapist

In massage, properly orienting the top sheet over the client is referred to as “draping.” To keep female clients from having their breasts exposed while draping them for an abdominal massage, start with the client face up with the top sheet fully covering her from the neck down. Now, put a pillowcase over her neck, rumpled up. Pinching the pillowcase and sheet together, pull both down, with the pillowcase unraveling and trailing the sheet down the client’s body. Once the pillowcase has covered the breasts, leave it behind and continue with only the sheet until her abdomen is exposed. Tuck in pillowcase and sheet, and voila!"

No...no, I just don't understand. I'll read it one more time, but then I'm giving up.

 

[Error Macro]

No...no, I just don't understand. I'll read it one more time, but then I'm giving up.

You had a problem with that one too? I read it twice, and decided it wasn't worth the time to go back and analyze it carefully.

 

[demon]

It's basically a way of smoothly covering the tits without first exposing them. The pillowcase and sheet are pinched together with the pillowcase over the neck. The two are pulled down until the pillowcase is covering the tits, at which point you stop pulling down both the pillowcase and the sheet, and continue pulling only the sheet so that her legs and virginia are covered by the sheet, her tits are covered by the pillowcase, but the abs are inbetween and exposed.

Who's smart.

I am.

 

[Error Macro]

It's basically a way of smoothly covering the tits without first exposing them. The pillowcase and sheet are pinched together with the pillowcase over the neck. The two are pulled down until the pillowcase is covering the tits, at which point you stop pulling down both the pillowcase and the sheet, and continue pulling only the sheet so that her legs and virginia are covered by the sheet, her tits are covered by the pillowcase, but the abs are inbetween and exposed.

Who's smart.

I am.

I can't be bothered to make sense of that. Can you sum it up in seven words or less? I have a short atten

 

[Dilbert]

The best advice I ever got was in an elevator conversation...and it probably doesn't apply to only my line of work. I was telling a friend that I was really stressed that I might not be able to meet a deadline that I had suggested to a boss because the project ended up being FAR more work than I anticipated, and a senior engineer who overheard me nodded sagely, and offered up this helpful suggestion:

"Never promise ANYTHING to ANYONE unless you already have it done."

 

[Mister Zimbu]

Parimutuel Clerk

TIP US GOD DAMMIT

Not from the article, not even in context to what the article was about, just so very very frusturated.

Sorry for the threadjack