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Moriarty reviews Jurassic Park 4: The Search for More Money, and the rumors are true!

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Willco

Hollywood Square
Just because the sequels suck, doesn't mean the first one does. And there are redeemable things about the sequels.

Jurassic Park has had its absurd moments, such as dinosaurs running around in downtown San Diego, but nothing and I mean nothing in the series has ever been as absurd as this.

This has always been a monster movie series based somewhat loosely on real science and claiming that it's even remotely similar to the concept of this film is ridiculous.

This is such a stretch.

If Spielberg wants to make Dino Riders: The Movie or some such bullshit, how about calling it Dino Riders: The Movie.
 

Archaix

Drunky McMurder
The jurassic park series has always been trash. At least this looks like it would be fun trash to watch...sort of like the debris left after a trainwreck. That's considered trash, isn't it?
 

Boogie

Member
Bogdan said:
No the series has always been about money.

I too went through a dinosaur phase as a kid, I thought they were the coolest things, I hold a special place for them in my heart. But there is only so much "look at the majestic beast....Ohh my god they are attacking" storylines I can stomach. Maybe you would wait in line, wang in hand, for fifty more of them, but quite frankly I am over it. I like change; I want to see something new. I can't think of an "established" film franchise that has ever veered so of course before, as far as I can recall it hasn't been done. I would love to see it.

Don't be afraid of change. If we had listened to the likes of you we would still be saluting the queen and waiting for lighting to strike a tree so we could cook meat.


How does GAF keep attracting these nutbars?
 

Boogie

Member
Bogdan said:
Does nut bar mean intelectual superior now? Way to back up your claim. GA is the place for one liners with no substance backing things up.

You somehow managed to compare disliking a whack idea for a fourth JP movie to some retarded reference to the American revolution, and the invention of fire.

This is not the sort of analogy made by someone who is my intellectual superior.
 

Tritroid

Member
ghostface said:
Isn't that basically the story in one of the 2 sequels? (i don't remember which)
No. The 2nd movie was based on an island not far from the park where the Dinos had managed to migrate to and breed. The 3rd movie was set also on an island close to the park that was specified as a R&D area to supply dinos to the park. But they have yet to return to the actual park itself after all these years. :p
 
Screaming_Gremlin said:
Was it Dinosaucers?

Dinosaucer1.jpg

I LOVED that show. I liked how they accounted for their tails by having special chairs.

cybamerc said:
A Dino Riders movie would be awesome. JP4 sounds like shit though. You really have to wonder why Spielberg doesn't care more about the quality of these movies.

I pray to God he's too busy making sure the Transformers movie is good.

Willco said:
Jurassic Park the movie is a lot like Jurassic Park itself. A fun ride that over time has managed to do more harm than good.

I'll second that.
 

Bog

Junior Ace
Dinosaurs fighting crime? Been there, done that. Not to mention it had WHOOPI GOLDBERG in it. I don't see Whoopi's name anywhere on JP4.

Theodore Rex

B000099T3L.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg
 

suaveric

Member
I thought the script didn't sound too bad, until the whole super dino team thing. Having dinosuars running around attacking North and South America with UN hit-squads trying to stop them could be fairly interesting.
 
I'll admit that I agree with Bogdan that you can only do the "majestic awe of real dinos/calamity frees them to attack" scenario so many ways and times before it gets old. I actually saw JP3 for the first time last night, and, although it was serviceable, it was basically the same plot device as the first 2 films.


At the end of the 2nd movie, I was hoping it would end before what eventually became the T-Rex rampage in San Diego, because I thought it would be a nice progression for the third film to feature the inevitable arrival of the dinos to the civilized world. I felt it was premature ejaculation of sorts to have the T-Rex rampage and also signaled that the 3rd film would likely not feature such a scenario. As a result we ended up with a third film that mirrored the first 2..ragtag group of humans on the untamed island being pursued by dinos.

All that said I think the plotline proposed for JP4 is about as smooth a transition for the series as Jason X was to Friday the 13th. But something like Jason X is allowed to be self-aware of it's complete camp factor because it's coming from a movie series that has always dipped from the bottom of the barrel. If JP4 were to take itself seriously, it will be a laughing stock, and if it were to wink at the audience with regard to it's ridiculousness, it would compromise the deliberately realistic tone (all gymnastics aside) of the series.

It's just a fucking bad idea, although as I said, another island romp is probably just as lame. They need to do some more considering with regards to the conflict between these ancient animals and the modern world in which they have been brought back into. Cages and restraints aside, the isolated islands they are on aren't all that different from the ancient world in which they occupied. Why can't we see them interacting wholesale with the rest of the world that has advanced with time? Why not have cruise ships passing plesiosaurs in the ocean? Raptors scouring the suburbs? Packs of migrating stegosaurs on the interstate? Pterodactyls perched from skyscrapers? You could do all kinds of things, not unlike an alien invasion film or a monster flick, to make struggle between humans maintaining the status quo and dino's reestablishing dominance. It would be fucking cool. Why not, Spielberg? How hard would that be??
 

impirius

Member
Bog said:
Dinosaurs fighting crime? Been there, done that. Not to mention it had WHOOPI GOLDBERG in it. I don't see Whoopi's name anywhere on JP4.

Theodore Rex

B000099T3L.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg
Oh lordy, I can't look at that thing without cracking up
 

Mama Smurf

My penis is still intact.
I quite liked JP3. I didn't like JP2.

I don't really care about the series though, they can do whatever they like with it.
 

Boogie

Member
If the "Majestic/awe/serious" movies get stale, you don't keep making them, true. But you also don't make change for changes sake, with over-the-top cheesy ideas that are beyond the more "grounded" atmosphere of the first movie. In short, you don't keep making movies, you stop making them. There's a point where you simply let go because there's no quality stories left in a franchise.
 

Ferrio

Banned
Screw that idea, I got a better one.


"Ok, It's the jurrasic period. Dinosaur scientists just figured out how to DNA enhance monkeys to make them smarter. But they weren't counting on the new race of monkeys (humans) on breaking loose. The next 2 hours shows the new race of beings terrorizing the dinosaur civilization and eventually causing the extinction of the dinosaurs"
 

human5892

Queen of Denmark
I've always said it would be fantastically funny if George Lucas did something like this for Episode III. Give Jar Jar an hour long monologue, have a song-and-dance number by the wookies, etc. Also, throw in plot impossibilities that would enrage hardcore fans who get angry when something small is altered on a DVD release or whatnot (i.e., reveal that Luke is Darth Vader's father, and that Darth Vader is Princess Leia's estranged brother). At the end, Captain Jean Luke Picard could save the day with the might of the Enterprise.

I would respect George Lucas a lot more than I do now if this movie ever came out.
 

levious

That throwing stick stunt of yours has boomeranged on us.
that's like the whole running joke on The Critic, sequels that are totally overblown and ridiculous, like a Dirty Harry movie where his partners die at alarming rates, or a Turner and Hooch sequel where Tom Hanks teams up with a Raptor... but they never came up with something this outlandish.
 

Boogie

Member
Bogdan said:
Why stop making them? I don't understand why some of you take things so personal. They aren’t making the movie to spite you. If you don't want to see it don't go. Problem solved.

What about my statement is "taking things so personal"? Which part about stating my opinion, which is that they should stop making JP movies rather than make crappy ones, can in any way be construed as me "taking things personally"? Are you actually paying attention to what I'm posting, or just selecting stock message board insults from a list?

People talk about movies. We talk about ones that look good and exciting, and we talk about ones that look crappy. To suggest that we should simply stop talking about it and resolve not to see it goes against the very point of a discussion board.
 

MrCheez

President/Creative Director of Grumpyface Studios
Bogdan... you can't be serious? Please don't say your serious. Please. It scares me. I'm scared. =(

So no matter WHAT the idea was you would defend it just cause it's crazy? I can appreciate self-parodying films, and campiness. These things can often make a movie funny as hell and fun to watch. But taking a well-known and fairly serious movie franchise and making a "hahaha let's do as much stupid shit as we can"-sequel makes the whole series a joke, and is disrespectful to it's fans.

Honestly, as it's been mentioned, why not just make a new franchise with Dinosaurs?

But really, let me put more focus on the main point: It's not a bad thing to have a "crazy, different, and unique" movie concept. But this idea is none of those things. The thing it is... is retarded. ><
 

=W=

Member
MrCheez said:
But taking a well-known and fairly serious movie franchise and making a "hahaha let's do as much stupid shit as we can"-sequel makes the whole series a joke, and is disrespectful to it's fans.
Anybody that's a fan of Jurassic Park 2 and 3 deserves to be disrespected.



I kid, I kid!



Unless...
 

Memles

Member
Up until he named the Dinosaurs, I can say I'd be interested. It isn't Jurassic Park, definitely. It isn't exactly what one would imagine for the franchise.

Get rid of the mercenary dinosaurs, and it seems like they've adapted the franchise to keep it from getting even more stale...JPII was stale because it tried the same thing as the first, while III, I felt managed to be campy and popcorn enough to work.

This is weird, I'll admit...but I'm not up in arms.
 

MrCheez

President/Creative Director of Grumpyface Studios
Well I really meant JP1. =) 2 and 3 are insulting to fans just because they sucked, but something like this? Just the fact that they are thinking about it boggles my mind.
 
Tool said:
I think it's time for Vince Carter to make his movie debut.
"Go for their knees, it's their only weakness"

edit: Does anyone have/remember those trading cards of when Dinosaurs came through a portal that scientists created, and they rampage through the city? The pictures were really gorey and awesome.

Free tag of choice to anyone who can find a picture/pictures or link to these cards.
 

Mason

Member
The premise described in that AICN article sounds insane. I don't know where they came up with that or why. Honestly, I like the idea he mentioned of dinos attacking the mainland and an all-out urban warfare type of thing. But hey, whatever. This idea sounds crazy enough I'd like to see it happen for some bizarre, twisted reason.
 

drohne

hyperbolically metafictive
that's fucking awesome. the premise sounds as if it was cooked up by children with ADD. or marketing execs on bad coke. which is pretty much the same thing. more action movies should strive to be as amazingly, transcendentally stupid as is possible.
genetically enhanced secret agent dinosaurs?
john sayles? i am THERE.

the joke, ultimately, is on geeks who take purely disposable, commercial films like jurassic park seriously. i fart in your general direction. "BUT BUT BUT IT TOTALLY UNDERMINES THE JP CANON!!!" stop being so fat. bathe occasionally.
 
scola said:
Awesome! Is there any chance you can find the one of the dog getting crushed? Or the little girl shooting the grandmother with the shotgun?

Oh, and tell me what you want your tag to be too.
 

sc0la

Unconfirmed Member
At your service

df08.jpg

df32.jpg

haha

Check out the index I linked a few posts back for all the cards.

tag: Building a better tomorrow
 

Shinobi

Member
mrmyth said:
JP1 wasn't even good. It was the fact that they pulled off good CG dinosaurs that freaked everybody the fuck out. The entire audience was like Dr. Malcolm - "You did it. You crazy sunovabitch, you did it."

Word up...it's gotten worse with each successive viewing. A far cry to something like Jaws, which used suspense instead of special effects as it's crutch.




Willco said:
Haha! JURASSIC PARK 4: DINOSAURS ON A PLANE.

Hell, we've already had "Dinosaurs on a boat" and "Dinosaur smacks the fuck out of a bus", so why not?




Tritroid said:
Why don't they base JP4 on a team actually RETURNING to the original park island and have the story set there, possibly with certain members who were in JP1. THAT would hold my attention, THIS would not. I vomit upon the person, and the person's children, and the person's person's children who thought up this fucking awful idea.

I've been asking this question since the sequel. How many islands are there now, 12?



Tool said:
I think it's time for Vince Carter to make his movie debut. What a cross-promotional opportunity here.

games_fierce_loading.jpg


"I think I'm gonna need more Fierce."



Bogdan said:
Does nut bar mean intelectual superior now?

lol.gif
lol.gif
lol.gif




human5892 said:
I've always said it would be fantastically funny if George Lucas did something like this for Episode III. Give Jar Jar an hour long monologue, have a song-and-dance number by the wookies, etc. Also, throw in plot impossibilities that would enrage hardcore fans who get angry when something small is altered on a DVD release or whatnot (i.e., reveal that Luke is Darth Vader's father, and that Darth Vader is Princess Leia's estranged brother). At the end, Captain Jean Luke Picard could save the day with the might of the Enterprise.

I would respect George Lucas a lot more than I do now if this movie ever came out.

lol.gif
lol.gif
lol.gif




Bogdan said:
I don't understand why some of you take things so personal.

Heh, you should talk...



drohne said:
the joke, ultimately, is on geeks who take purely disposable, commercial films like jurassic park seriously. i fart in your general direction. "BUT BUT BUT IT TOTALLY UNDERMINES THE JP CANON!!!" stop being so fat. bathe occasionally.

lol.gif
lol.gif
lol.gif
 

AeroGod

Member
drohne said:
the joke, ultimately, is on geeks who take purely disposable, commercial films like jurassic park seriously. i fart in your general direction. "BUT BUT BUT IT TOTALLY UNDERMINES THE JP CANON!!!" stop being so fat. bathe occasionally.

ROOFLES. brilliant
 

Dead

well not really...yet
After reading the actual report....holy mother of fuck this has to be made. this sounds so completly insane and so over the top in its ridiculousness that theres no way it will but if it is? oh man...

BARON VON DRAX DEMANDS THIS FILM TO BE MADE
 

ManaByte

Rage Bait Youtuber
The question remains, what will be worse? Jurassic Park IV or Drew "Moriarty" McWeeny's Universal Soldier ripoff that only got one good script review and it was from his pal Harry Knowles.
 
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