Official Stream
Thursday, January 14
Quarter Finals - 9 PM EST
Losers Bracket - 6 PM EST
Salty Harbor, South Carolina
Background Music
MODERATORS
Chicken Choker
Neil Cavuto
total jerk
Second Base
Maria Bartiromo
nobodys noticed yet
Booze Guzzler
Sandra Smith
getting through this somehow
Future Challenger
Trish Regan
taking notes for 2020
Sheng Long
John Stossel
invitation to debate was hoaxed
QUARTER FINALS
Zangief
John Kasich
grapples with political reality - mixed reviews for communist banking plan
E. Honda
Chris Christie
shut down George Washington Bridge - wasn't charged
Ryu
Marco Rubio
blocked success by holding back - drops out after defeat on home stage
Akuma
Donald Trump
overpowered god - tournament organizers want him banned
Ken
Ted Cruz
freshman palette swap - runs out the clock on Senate floor
Dee Jay
Ben Carson
pad player - button mashing didn't work for long
Sagat
Jeb Bush
spams negative ads - needs to build his meter
LOSERS BRACKET
T. Hawk
Mike Huckabee
panders to maize farmers - lives up to his name
Chun-Li
Carly Fiorina
off the wall attacks on Planned Parenthood - HP is combo starter
Blanka
Rick Santorum
prominent beastiality activist - shocked by the 21st century
POOLS
Fei Long
Rand Paul
obsessed with patch notes - offensive Al Rekka links
FRIENDLIES
Balrog
Jim Gilmore
just here for fight money - forgot his entry fee
INSERT COIN TO CONTINUE
Guile
Rick Perry
unrivaled mixup game - put on glasses with secret taunt
M. Bison
Scott Walker
disgraced dictator of Wisconsin - quickly deposed by final boss
Dhalsim
Bobby Jindal
stretched record as governor - ignored the elephant in the room
Cammy
Lindsey Graham
deployed on special forces missions - pigtails considered unpresidential
Vega
George Pataki
conservative mask hid beautiful face - clinged to the side of the cage
M FOR MATURE
TOASTY
Sub-Zero
Hillary Clinton
ice cold finishers
Scorpion
Bernie Sanders
drags opponents towards him
Johnny Cage
Martin O'Malley
goes for low blows
FATALITY
Raiden
Joe Biden
sacrificed himself to prevent Armageddon
Kano
Jim Webb
licks his knives
Sonya Blade
Lincoln Chafee
failed Test Your Might on soft granite
Liu Kang
Lawrence Lessig
not the chosen one
NO LINE ITEMS
FACTS ONLY
FINAL DESTINATION
Master Hand
Barack Obama
the invincible hand - closed controversial wavedash loophole
DEBATE PREVIEW
Jeb felt drained and his Super meter was nearly empty. It didnt matter, anyway. He awkwardly grinned, knowing that victory was within his grasp. Nobody seemed to realize why he wasnt fighting back. He only needed to endure debilitating smackdowns for a little longer.
Carson was charged up. His eyelids were closed, but smart people dont need their eyesight to talk. Some observers noted that he was ducking under his podium, but this was mental preperation for a special attack. He had spent most of debate prep learning this move and he was sure to use it on an opponent. But who would it be? He needed time to decide in the manner that all brain surgeons use under pressure.
eeny meeny
miney moe
catch a patient
by the lobe
if he bleeds out
hell never know
eeny meeny
miney moe
my mother said
to put the hammer down
and I choose
Ben was fast asleep, lulled by the gentle rhythm of the rhyme.
Nobody has said anything in ten rounds so I am moving on, said lead moderator John Stossel. Governor Bush, why are you still in the race?
Jeb huffed, Why should I have to leave? I am The Emperor of My Time!
This was the only question reporters asked him these days. He ran his fingers down the massive gash in his chest, a painful reminder of his first encounter with Rubio. Is nobody concerned about his ground game? Jeb thought to himself.
Rubios ground game was notoriously bad, but he was confident his air game would be enough to win. Campaign experts disagreed, citing the vulnerability of jump approaches. Even worse, Trumps air game was on another level entirely. He could shoot fireballs in the air! Two of them! For Rubio to defeat Trump, he would need to master his signature anti-air move, the Surely You Can.
Rubio, Jeb, and Cruz all had a version of this move. Jebs had proven to be a miserable dud. But Cruzs had flames and if anyone could take down Trump, it was him. But Cruz refused to attack Trump and even turned the other cheek when attacked by him. Trump had even thrown some serious punches, accusing Cruz of being an illegal immigrant and promising to distribute pictures of his face to the deportation force. Cruz told the media this was a gentlemans disagreement and would not diminish his admiration for Trump.
Only one other person had a chance at taking out Trump. He could win New Hampshire if establishment Republicans united behind him. Sumo wrestling was a trying path, but Christie was good at it. If he could stop traffic, he could lock down the establishment lane. Soon, he would surge across the entire room, knocking his establishment challengers off the stage.
Despite protest, Kasich didnt have a chance to weigh in on the issues. To be more precise, he had been given opportunities to speak, but always used his time to complain about not being given enough time to explain his positions. This was the optimal strategy, because no Republican approved of his communist policy goals. Fittingly, he stood at the far left podium in the last three debates.
The wind was knocked out of him. Christie flew into Kasich and Rubio, pushing them towards the edge of the stage. Jeb was the last stop in the establishment lane and Christie barreled into him. Jeb casually slapped Christies attack away.
A pa-parry?! Christie stammered. Thats not even in this game!
Christie was out of control. He veered into Cruz, dooming him to the same fate as Kasich and Rubio. Lead moderator John Stossel was caught in the collision as Christie and his passengers flew off the stage and out of the auditorium.
Jebs plan was now clear to everyone. He was paying for access to game mechanics from future games, giving him a clear advantage over his rivals. Trump had built a defensive wall, but cracks had appeared. Jeb could topple him with a well-placed blow. It was a stroke of luck that Jeb remained the last hope of the establishment.
Jeb is a nice guy, Trump started to say. I like him.
Jeb interpreted this as an attack and his Ultra meter came to life.
Yes! he thought. Trumps not blocking with a goofy facial expression. This will hit!
Jeb wailed on the joystick.
↷↬↝
It wasnt the correct input, but he hoped it would be accepted anyway. He just needed to press all three kick buttons to activate his Ultra Combo.
Trump slapped the controller out of Jebs hand.
Oops, Trump said.
Jeb scrunched up his face as he watched Trump perform Raging Demonizer, his ultimate attack. He didnt even have to pause the game to look up the input because he had it memorized. The crowd understood they were doomed but they still cheered. The light faded and everyone in the room was hit by an unblockable, fullscreen attack. Even people watching at home felt the blows. One man stood alone when the lights returned. Kanji glowed on the back of his suit.
