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Online Dating |OT| Please Respond

U

User 479360

Banned
I'm thinking about just deleting her off Facebook (we don't message there) and then just seeing if she texts me. If she doesn't, I'll eventually delete her off of my contacts and have my answer.

I thought things were going well when we kissed, and had been looking forward to the second date for quite some time. I need to not get my hopes up about anything, because life hates me.
 
S

Salamando

Member
^^^^
If only we always knew what happened in dating....what movie did you end up agreeing to see?

There's two ways an outsider could read what happened tonight, and why she didn't follow through. (1) You had a predetermined idea of what you wanted to do, and weren't flexible to her feelings. You offered "solutions", that still resulted in your original idea. (2) She wasn't that into you to begin with, and just made excuse after excuse. "I'm broke" "Not in the mood for a movie" "I fell asleep" "I mind you paying"

And suggesting she just "pay for a date down the line" isn't a solution to "I'm broke and don't want you paying for me". If she's broke now, she's gonna be broke for awhile, and it'll continue to be a problem while she's broke.
 
U

User 479360

Banned
Salamando said:
^^^^
If only we always knew what happened in dating....what movie did you end up agreeing to see?

There's two ways an outsider could read what happened tonight, and why she didn't follow through. (1) You had a predetermined idea of what you wanted to do, and weren't flexible to her feelings. You offered "solutions", that still resulted in your original idea. (2) She wasn't that into you to begin with, and just made excuse after excuse. "I'm broke" "Not in the mood for a movie" "I fell asleep" "I mind you paying"

And suggesting she just "pay for a date down the line" isn't a solution to "I'm broke and don't want you paying for me". If she's broke now, she's gonna be broke for awhile, and it'll continue to be a problem while she's broke.
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Yeah, that all makes sense. It's tough to argue with.

I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said she didn't know. I remembered her wanting to go to the movies before, so I asked if anything was playing that she wanted to see. She suggested Warcraft or Alice Through the Looking Glass. I did ask her if she liked horror because the Conjuring 2 is supposed to be quite good, but she said no, so I said I was more than fine with the others.

I figured that saying she could pay another time if she wanted would make her feel better, and make it easier for her to accept me paying now. And hopefully hint towards/get a reaction about future dates. I don't mind paying, would have been up for doing anything, but didn't want to just say I could go to her place or something. I also don't mind if I pay for the next several dates.

After I said I was fine with her movie choices, I didn't hear from her for a while as I played video games. I guess she passed out. I texted her hours later to see if she wanted to go to the late show.
 
Z

ZackieChan

Member
You like to focus on the details, but none of them really matter. If she wanted to go out with you she would have. My messaging apps are littered with the rotting husks of dead conversations, one night stands, and relationships that just didn't work out. It's really not something to be too hung up about.

My going theory is that the amount of detail in a post in this thread is directly proportional to the amount of overinvestment the poster has in that relationship (which is generally de facto finished by the time the post is made). It continues to be true.

I know it's frustrating. We're all frustrated about it from time to time. Sometimes it's time to step back and foster some other non-romantic relationships and interests for a while.
 
E

electricshake

Member
Salamando said:
^^^
Chewie, you continue to rely on movie dates way too much. Can't say it enough - movie dates only work if you're sitting on someone's couch or bed. That's it! Can't talk in a theatre, can't snog easily either. I feel like I'm wasting my breath here, but you're truly doing yourself a disservice by sticking to movies.

Once she mentions being broke and unwilling to be carried, the movie date should've been doubly thrown out.

In your situation, I would've suggested something simple and cheap - coffee and a walk through a park.
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Yeh cinema dates are terrible, pretty much the worst type of date unless you already know each other well.

Why not go for a walk or to a cafe or a museum or gallery. Cook a meal together or go for a picnic. Go bowling or to the zoo or a pub quiz. Something that lets you talk to the other person and get to know them.
 
G

gwailo

Banned
ZackieChan said:
You like to focus on the details, but none of them really matter. If she wanted to go out with you she would have. My messaging apps are littered with the rotting husks of dead conversations, one night stands, and relationships that just didn't work out. It's really not something to be too hung up about.

My going theory is that the amount of detail in a post in this thread is directly proportional to the amount of overinvestment the poster has in that relationship (which is generally de facto finished by the time the post is made). It continues to be true.
Click to expand...

This is really spot on. Not just in this thread but on other forums. You will see people literally analyzing every single word of messages, but won't see the forest through the trees. In this case, when Chewie asked what the girl wants to do and got back "I don't know". Short non-committal responses generally indicate the person isn't interested, end of story. No reason to over analyze the movie choices or her financial situation, but I will say that

I figured that saying she could pay another time if she wanted would make her feel better, and make it easier for her to accept me paying now.
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is not a good way to go. It creates a sense of debt/obligation in the other person which can be very uncomfortable. Chewie, you need to think differently about your dating techniques. You're doing the same thing over and over. It's summer out and IIRC you live in at least a decent sized city. There is so much more to do than go to a movie. Hell, even if you still wanted to go to a move a lot of cities have some form of "movies in the park" where the movie is free on an outdoor screen. Bring a blanket, bottle of wine, and some snacks and you will actually be able to have a conversation and cuddle, rather than sitting in a cold dark theatre staring at a screen. Plus it is a cheap date without making you seem like a cheapskate.
 
T

TerminalDogma

Member
Hey GAF, I recently made some pretty big life changes and dropped off from dating for the last few months while going through these changes-namely quitting my job to pursue acting and moving back to NJ and into my mother's house. I'm still not entirely settled in yet (don't have any kind of part time job currently, and I'm in the process of losing some weight but haven't had any real progress yet). It may just be all the extra time I've got right now, but I've had that dating itch start getting at me the last few days.

I suppose my question is, how badly are my chances of finding a date if I am currently unemployed (though I have enough money saved up right now to last me a few months without any kind of cash flow) and living in my mom's house? In my mind these are huge detriments and a major step back from where I've been before, but maybe that is just me overthinking things? Give it to me straight, GAF. Should I hold off on entering the dating scene again until I'm employed (this would only be a part time job, just enough to pay bills while I pursue acting) and moved out, or is it not as big a deal as I'm making it out to be?
 
L

Lulubop

Member
I got a date in a bit with like a legit 10/10. She's from Lithuania staying the city for the summer. Fucking nervous. She's a bit younger than me though, 21/28.
 
S

Scotch

Member
TerminalDogma said:
Hey GAF, I recently made some pretty big life changes and dropped off from dating for the last few months while going through these changes-namely quitting my job to pursue acting and moving back to NJ and into my mother's house. I'm still not entirely settled in yet (don't have any kind of part time job currently, and I'm in the process of losing some weight but haven't had any real progress yet). It may just be all the extra time I've got right now, but I've had that dating itch start getting at me the last few days.

I suppose my question is, how badly are my chances of finding a date if I am currently unemployed (though I have enough money saved up right now to last me a few months without any kind of cash flow) and living in my mom's house? In my mind these are huge detriments and a major step back from where I've been before, but maybe that is just me overthinking things? Give it to me straight, GAF. Should I hold off on entering the dating scene again until I'm employed (this would only be a part time job, just enough to pay bills while I pursue acting) and moved out, or is it not as big a deal as I'm making it out to be?
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I found my current girlfriend while not being employed, and so did a friend of mine. Both of us didn't have trouble finding dates.

I think living with your mom is a bigger issue, though. Not only can it give people the impression that you're not fully independant or grown-up, but it can be troublesome in a practical sense while dating (you can't take a date home).

I'd give it a shot, though. You don't lose anything by trying. Don't hide it, explain your situation to potential dates. The ones who'll understand and don't think it's a big deal are the ones you want to be dating.
 
Z

Zerokku

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
I understand why it is, but I wish online dating wasn't so picture focused. I'm a relatively unattractive dude and I've come to terms with that a long time ago, but trying to get some half decent pictures for an online profile is going to be the death of me :(
 
J

Jhoan

Member
effingvic said:
I live in Queens but I work in Midtown. Do most of my Tindering from work so I think I'm getting matched with girls in Manhattan for the most part.

A lot of the girls that I'm passing up just dont seem interesting or I dont find attractive since theres nothing on their profiles or they have one or two pics that do nothing for me. I tend to run a quick "would I want a relationship with this person?" as I scan their profile. And now that I think about it, its probably a ridiculous thing to do when I no next to nothing about a person lol.

Thing is, I'm looking for something a little serious so I'm not sure if Tinder is the best place for it. Maybe I should spend most of my energy on OkC?

Whats a drawing event?
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I never did respond to this because I'm a terrible procrastinator. Hopefully you've gotten some dates since then! I went to this Drink N Draw which happens every week in Bushwick. There's another one that meets once a month called Drink N Draw NYC which is more of a mentoring-like one since a bunch of aspiring/pro artists go to that one including a GAF member. Society of Illustrators also has a sketch night every Tuesday and Thursday. If you want to come out to something, check out the NYC GAF thread which I can't plug enough!

TerminalDogma said:
Hey GAF, I recently made some pretty big life changes and dropped off from dating for the last few months while going through these changes-namely quitting my job to pursue acting and moving back to NJ and into my mother's house. I'm still not entirely settled in yet (don't have any kind of part time job currently, and I'm in the process of losing some weight but haven't had any real progress yet). It may just be all the extra time I've got right now, but I've had that dating itch start getting at me the last few days.

I suppose my question is, how badly are my chances of finding a date if I am currently unemployed (though I have enough money saved up right now to last me a few months without any kind of cash flow) and living in my mom's house? In my mind these are huge detriments and a major step back from where I've been before, but maybe that is just me overthinking things? Give it to me straight, GAF. Should I hold off on entering the dating scene again until I'm employed (this would only be a part time job, just enough to pay bills while I pursue acting) and moved out, or is it not as big a deal as I'm making it out to be?
Click to expand...
As someone who's semi-employed, works gigs from time to time, and lives at home I hear you but it's not the end of world to date. I get plenty of dates easily and do things that I'm passionate about (volunteer work). My brother is unemployed and like you, he has money saved up but he's not actively dating at the moment since he's focusing on himself.

I don't think it's a big deal to be honest and even then, I don't see why there's a huge stigma with living at home in the US because in the end of the day, you're paying bills like everyone else as you mentioned above and it's not like you're sitting around doing nothing at all. As long as you get some kind of privacy and your mom doesn't mind if you bring someone over, who cares? One girl might not like it, but the next won't mind.

So I would encourage you to go for it, keep it cheap, and if asked about your employment/living situation, just state it matter-of-factly and put a positive spin about it since you do have an end goal (lose weight, get a job, save up money to eventually fly the nest again). I don't bring up living with my mom unless asked so I mention that I live with my brother (also true). The arts field is tough as someone trying to do the same so it's good to support yourself with some kind of day job while you get acting gigs on the side.

Lulubop said:
I got a date in a bit with like a legit 10/10. She's from Lithuania staying the city for the summer. Fucking nervous. She's a bit younger than me though, 21/28.
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I don't see the problem with this. I just turned 28 on Sunday and have been messaging a 20 year old on OKC that's potentially leading to a date since we have a few things in common. Heck I even message older women (34 and over) because I don't care. Enjoy the ride. As always, if you make it an issue, it will be an issue.

-
Speaking of 20 year olds, I haven't posted in here in a while so I'll try to keep my online dating updates brief. Was supposed to go out with another 20 year old yesterday but I never heard back when I asked if still on for the night and got the impression that she was an attention whore because she sent me all these pics when I gave her my number (they weren't nude). Won't be contacting her again.

Went on another date 2 Sundays ago and wasn't feeling the girl/super invested in it so I didn't contact her again. She was cool but not really my type. Plus it was made more awkward by the fact that my older brother was at the same event with his wife/nieces and she lives across the street from him (he's moving out next month).

The only thing that seems promising was a med school girl I went on a date with 3 weeks ago and fell off with me because she was falling behind on her studies. She has a big exam today so I texted her out of the blue last night wishing her good luck and she responded warmly to it. I'm looking forward to hanging out with her again after she gets back next week.

@Zerokku, if you're comfortable, mind sharing some pics? You can use the email tags if anything. I think people on GAF downplay their looks constantly when it turns out that they're decently attractive.
 
L

Lulubop

Member
Oh I don't have a problem at all, just a different mindset. Date went really well, she was just as smoking in person as she was in picture. Great smile to boot. We got drinks at some random spot after the spot we agreed to was way to crowded. After too drinks I mentioned I liked to dance, and she said we should do that. Kinda spontaneous but we hit up some dance bar around the area I knew of. We were all over each other the rest of the night. I think she might have a think for Latino dudes after she spent last summer living in Washington Heights, certainly into darker features.

I'm like super confident in my appearance now.
 
T

TerminalDogma

Member
Thanks for the advice, guys. I'll be giving online dating (and dating in general) a shot again! My room is in the back of the house and essentially has it's own entrance way, so I suppose that isn't so bad anyhow. Expect me back soon to ask about my dating site profiles and pics, haha.
 
J

Jhoan

Member
Lulubop said:
Oh I don't have a problem at all, just a different mindset. Date went really well, she was just as smoking in person as she was in picture. Great smile to boot. We got drinks at some random spot after the spot we agreed to was way to crowded. After too drinks I mentioned I liked to dance, and she said we should do that. Kinda spontaneous but we hit up some dance bar around the area I knew of. We were all over each other the rest of the night. I think she might have a think for Latino dudes after she spent last summer living in Washington Heights, certainly into darker features.

I'm like super confident in my appearance now.
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Glad to see it went well. I haven't matched up with her so I'm definitely not your competition. ;)

In fact, I haven't really gotten much going on Tinder lately. I get matches but no replies or replies that fizzle. OKC has been better for me but that's because I'm much better with words than with pictures.

TerminalDogma said:
Thanks for the advice, guys. I'll be giving online dating (and dating in general) a shot again! My room is in the back of the house and essentially has it's own entrance way, so I suppose that isn't so bad anyhow. Expect me back soon to ask about my dating site profiles and pics, haha.
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That's even better. Keep in mind that when you're dating, they're not expected to meet your mom until it's progressed enough to that stage that you feel comfortable enough to properly introduce them.
 
L

Lulubop

Member
I feel like I'm the only Latino dude in the city doing it up like this. I mean I even have this english sugar momma thing going on. Where ya at? It probably helps that I look white as fuck, although my name is a dead give away. I guess I attract those into both, but man it's been crazy. I changed my profile pick about two weeks ago and I've gotten like 350+ matches. It slowed down on Monday for some reason ( I think because I was swiping in another part of town), but still no shortage. I wish I didn't have to work most evenings, but I'm still enjoying it.

We both said we'd like to hang again, but she works a weird schedule and I can only imagine how many matches I girl of that caliber gets so we'll see.
 
Z

Zerokku

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
Jhoan said:
@Zerokku, if you're comfortable, mind sharing some pics? You can use the email tags if anything. I think people on GAF downplay their looks constantly when it turns out that they're decently attractive.
Click to expand...


First one is admittedly a shitty pic I took when I first started buzzing my hair a couple months ago and could probably be improved by good lighting and a better angle that doesn't make me look *as* bald.


Second one (most recently) here was an unexpected pic for me (despite my friends reaction) at a con a couple weeks ago.

The part I hate the most is that I can look in the mirror and I actually don't mind how I look most of the time and even think I'm not half bad. But I tend to fucking hate every picture that gets taken of me/I take of myself since I always feel like I look like ass,can see neck/chin fat, look more bald than I feel I look when I see myself in the mirror, and usually simply doesn't capture what little I like of myself when I look in the mirror. I feel like either I'm anti-photogenic or simply not very attractive and I've resigned myself to the fact it's the latter.
 
J

Jhoan

Member
Zerokku said:

First one is admittedly a shitty pic I took when I first started buzzing my hair a couple months ago and could probably be improved by good lighting and a better angle that doesn't make me look *as* bald.


Second one (most recently) here was an unexpected pic for me (despite my friends reaction) at a con a couple weeks ago.

The part I hate the most is that I can look in the mirror and I actually don't mind how I look most of the time and even think I'm not half bad. But I tend to fucking hate every picture that gets taken of me/I take of myself since I always feel like I look like ass,can see neck/chin fat, look more bald than I feel I look when I see myself in the mirror, and usually simply doesn't capture what little I like of myself when I look in the mirror. I feel like either I'm anti-photogenic or simply not very attractive and I've resigned myself to the fact it's the latter.
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Duder, you're a handsome guy and it's all in the eyes. You look like Will Sasso. Ever try growing out your hair or is it thinning out? If it's the former, do grow out your hair. If it's the latter, shave your head and embrace the baldness. If it's the chin fat that's bothering you, I don't want to say that it's as easy as hitting the gym because that's only one half of the equation so I'll recommend Shyness by Phillip Zimbardo and do the exercise where you look at yourself in the mirror hard. Since you said you think you don't look half bad, you gotta own up to it and fully embrace/believe it.

As for pics, have a friend take candid shots of you since some people look better when they're doing natural actions as opposed to poses. That could be activities or socializing. It's all in the way you carry yourself in pics since a guy who's slouching and looks serious versus a guy who's smiling and has good posture gets completely different results.
 
Z

ZackieChan

Member
Zerokku said:

First one is admittedly a shitty pic I took when I first started buzzing my hair a couple months ago and could probably be improved by good lighting and a better angle that doesn't make me look *as* bald.


Second one (most recently) here was an unexpected pic for me (despite my friends reaction) at a con a couple weeks ago.

The part I hate the most is that I can look in the mirror and I actually don't mind how I look most of the time and even think I'm not half bad. But I tend to fucking hate every picture that gets taken of me/I take of myself since I always feel like I look like ass,can see neck/chin fat, look more bald than I feel I look when I see myself in the mirror, and usually simply doesn't capture what little I like of myself when I look in the mirror. I feel like either I'm anti-photogenic or simply not very attractive and I've resigned myself to the fact it's the latter.
Click to expand...

Take a lot of photos. I have to work hard to find photos that make me look less bald. Smile in your pictures, too. Don't smirk, though - this isn't a Madagascar movie.

Don't take a photo in front of a bookshelf full of extremely nerdy books, either. 😉

You look fine. You just need to find a way to show it off. Cute dogs don't hurt.

Also what he said ^
 
G

gwailo

Banned
Your profile pic is bad. You look like you just ripped a bongload. The other ones of you posing are way too forced. More natural pics with you doing activities instead of hamming it up for the camera. You mention your friends and dog in your profile, maybe have pictures of you with them.

Your profile is kinda generic. Try to be something more than "I like to laugh, hanging out with friends, and watching Netflix" that thousands of other profiles have. Cut out the Netflix stuff entirely, there's too much of it and it makes you seem like a shut in who just sits at home watching TV.
 
S

Salamando

Member
TerminalDogma said:
Ok people, I'm back with an OKCupid profile. Loosely based off my old OKCupid profile, give me some critiques GAF! What's good, what's bad, what could be better? Pretty sure these profiles are the hardest part (that's a lie, getting a response is). I used a decent amount of photos from a headshot shoot, should I do away with those?
Click to expand...

Your typical friday night is the same as millions of others. "Might be going out, might be staying in, might be working. If something doesn't set you apart from everyone else, it doesn't belong in your profile. That also applies to the rest of your profile...saying you're "a great person to be around" is just cliche. No one's going to say "I'm a bit of a dick. You won't enjoy my company"

More generally, your profile tells me you're an aspiring actor and you like cooking and Netflix. If there's anything else your profile is trying to sell, I didn't get it.
 
T

TerminalDogma

Member
Salamando said:
Your typical friday night is the same as millions of others. "Might be going out, might be staying in, might be working. If something doesn't set you apart from everyone else, it doesn't belong in your profile. That also applies to the rest of your profile...saying you're "a great person to be around" is just cliche. No one's going to say "I'm a bit of a dick. You won't enjoy my company"

More generally, your profile tells me you're an aspiring actor and you like cooking and Netflix. If there's anything else your profile is trying to sell, I didn't get it.
Click to expand...

Ok, so take aways from you and gwailo:

1. Eliminate any and all references to Netflix. Easily doable (even the binge watching joke? I like that one, but it's probably just me being too close to the joke).

2. My profile is generic/boring. This is one I suppose I'm having a tougher time with. For instance- the typical Friday night question. What else am I supposed to put there? I don't have a "thing" that I do on Friday nights, or really any night of the week. It could be a handful of things, all of which I suppose are generic? On Monday evenings I'm going to be attending an improv comedy class, should I just put that there instead? That doesn't even start for another month. In addition to that, I'm trying to start up a podcast with some friends, and pursue my acting goals. But nothing has really started up yet. Most of my days right now are looking for auditions. I'm not doubting you guys for saying my profile is generic, but I guess I'm just at a loss as to what else to put there?

3. Posed pictures aren't good. Ok, so I'll have to get some non studio pictures. I have older ones that are doing activities with friends etc, but they are me with longer hair for the most part and don't really portray how I look now. Obviously I'll need to work on getting some newer, more natural pictures up there.

Thanks for the quick responses, and I'll take to heart what was said.

Edit: I've gone ahead and removed most references to Netflix (kept the binge watching bit, but if you guys really think it's a stinker I'll let it go). Added in improv classes and interest in podcasting. Probably didn't help much, though.
 
L

Lulubop

Member
Nah, I haven't peaked yet for that title.

giphy.gif


This gif is a top tier Tinder first message btw.

I can't OKC, Tinder is just so much more low effort, with better results and more attractive women.
 
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