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[Mastermind Vade]

what do you guys think about a guy who has trouble speaking english properly trying to get a girlfriend? Because my friend thinks that its a really big issue that's gonna get in the way of him getting a girlfriend here? Other than not really knowing the norm of certain things here he thinks that this is the other biggest obstacle? What are your guys' honest thoughts on this?

 

[Salamando]

what do you guys think about a guy who has trouble speaking english properly trying to get a girlfriend? Because my friend thinks that its a really big issue that's gonna get in the way of him getting a girlfriend here? Other than not really knowing the norm of certain things here he thinks that this is the other biggest obstacle? What are your guys' honest thoughts on this?

The more he thinks its an issue, the more it'll hurt him. Everyone's got shit that works to their detriment. All you can do is work on it if you can, and strengthen your other characteristics if you can't.

If your friend is just a non-native speaker, he can rock the hell out of it. Teach girls how to swear in his native tongue, while asking them to do the same. If all else fails, get goofy, draw pictures, and communicate with facial expressions. Few weeks later, he might be able to turn his trouble speaking English into an asset.

 

[chicko1983]

Do you live in the mid-80s Soviet Union?

Haha nah man.

Good Friday is a public holiday here, so everywhere is closed for shopping. We also get Monday off on public holiday too. Hence a lot of people were shopping on Saturday morning before they head out of town. Then to add on top of that, we have self service check outs now coming in so people have to do their own swiping of goods and bagging (it's great when no one is lining up and you only have a couple of things to buy). So it doesn't take much to build a line up.

I've never seen a line up that big at the supermarket before.

 

[anaslexy]

So I met this girl at a dance two weeks ago on Friday and we hit it off well. I get her number and we go out for drinks on Sunday which goes well too and we hold hands and make out. We also agree to a dinner date on Wednesday. She cancels because her grandfather had an accident and ends up in the hospital. She suggests that we meetup at a club on Saturday. We meetup and spend a few hours together and have a great time dancing, talking and again making out. We agree to spend the next Sunday together at a winery as she is out of town during the week.
Next day I receive a text saying "Hi there lovely to catch up with you again last night. I have to be honest with you I have realised my heart is still quite shattered from my previous relationship and so I'm just not ready to date or move on at the moment. I'm sorry to let you down. Happy to be friends though"
I said we should speak on the phone and clear this out and she said she will call me. Should I just let this go. I'm very puzzled as things seemed to be going well and out of nowhere I get this text.

 

[chicko1983]

So I met this girl at a dance two weeks ago on Friday and we hit it off well. I get her number and we go out for drinks on Sunday which goes well too and we hold hands and make out. We also agree to a dinner date on Wednesday. She cancels because her grandfather had an accident and ends up in the hospital. She suggests that we meetup at a club on Saturday. We meetup and spend a few hours together and have a great time dancing, talking and again making out. We agree to spend the next Sunday together at a winery as she is out of town during the week.
Next day I receive a text saying "Hi there lovely to catch up with you again last night. I have to be honest with you I have realised my heart is still quite shattered from my previous relationship and so I'm just not ready to date or move on at the moment. I'm sorry to let you down. Happy to be friends though"
I said we should speak on the phone and clear this out and she said she will call me. Should I just let this go. I'm very puzzled as things seemed to be going well and out of nowhere I get this text.

My opinion is to let it go mate.

If she is telling the truth, if you let it go now and give her some time and space, she may call you up in the future. You still have a chance if you leave it here on a good note.

If she is lying and doesn't want to see anymore, then you are better off not pursuing it any further anyway.

It sounds like you don't need too much advice mate, go out, have fun and pick up another girl.

 

[stn]

I said we should speak on the phone and clear this out and she said she will call me. Should I just let this go. I'm very puzzled as things seemed to be going well and out of nowhere I get this text.

A girl asking to meet at a club again is basically asking you to make a very strong physical move (get my drift). You didn't escalate enough. Learn from the mistake and move on.

 

[Royal_Phalanx]

Got replied to by a cute Asian chick. Progress finally. Only thing that bothers me is that based on her answers to the match percentage questions and her profile she doesn't like drinking, she doesn't like having sex on a regular basis and is super introverted (I'm trying to become far more outgoing).

 

[ZackieChan]

Only one way to find out

 

[anaslexy]

A girl asking to meet at a club again is basically asking you to make a very strong physical move (get my drift). You didn't escalate enough. Learn from the mistake and move on.

I did think of this and I didn't make a move because I could see she was very tired. She had a long day taking care of her grandfather in the hospital and almost didn't make it but I convinced her. I thought escalating in that situation would have seemed rude and selfish and would've ruined my chances considering she said we can meetup next Sunday and hang out the whole day.

 

[anaslexy]

My opinion is to let it go mate.

If she is telling the truth, if you let it go now and give her some time and space, she may call you up in the future. You still have a chance if you leave it here on a good note.

If she is lying and doesn't want to see anymore, then you are better off not pursuing it any further anyway.

It sounds like you don't need too much advice mate, go out, have fun and pick up another girl.

I spoke to her and I told her fine with hanging out without any pressure or expectations. She said she is not ruling anything out but for now she wants to stay friends as she doesn't feel emotionally available. We had agreed to go to a winery on Sunday and she still wants to do that.

 

[Royal_Phalanx]

You made out with her at the club, I think you did just fine with physical escalation, I think she wasn't feeling it for whatever reason.

 

[anaslexy]

You made out with her at the club, I think you did just fine with physical escalation, I think she wasn't feeling it for whatever reason.

Maybe it's because she was tired and wasn't emotionally available?

 

[ZackieChan]

Maybe it's because she was tired and wasn't emotionally available?

I think the answer for you is to be emotionally unavailable as well.

 

[Salamando]

Maybe it's because she was tired and wasn't emotionally available?

Her reasons for not wanting to date you aside...are you capable of throwing aside any romantic feelings toward her? Are you willing to listen to her complain about the guys she is dating?

Or are you staying her friend in hopes that one day she'll be "emotionally available" and willing to start dating you?

 

[ZackieChan]

Her reasons for not wanting to date you aside...are you capable of throwing aside any romantic feelings toward her? Are you willing to listen to her complain about the guys she is dating?

Or are you staying her friend in hopes that one day she'll be "emotionally available" and willing to start dating you?

Put this in the FAQ

 

[Northeastmonk]

I met a girl who works right across the street from me on OkCupid. We talked for about two weeks. We were getting along just fine. We had made plans to go to brunch on a Saturday of all days, yesterday. Well on Friday night I'm talking to her, she's getting read to go to a party. I think it's just a typical Friday night and she's going to go have fun. Well she says she's wearing a tiara to this party. I think nothing of it, so I wish her good luck and tell that I hope she has a good time.

Well about midnight rolls around and I get a text. I ask her how the party went and she tells me it's an acting party, so I ask her, "what kind of acting?". She sends me a snap shot of the wiki page for BDSM. I ask, "Omaha BDSM?" and she responds by saying yes.

I tell her that that's not my thing. She says she wants to learn more and that if she had a good relationship she wouldn't need the group. I'm well aware of what these groups are all about. They have safe words, they use kitchen spoons, and their pictures typically have people with bruises and bloody marks on their body. I tell her that I'm not interested and that I am at the age where I want someone who doesn't need something from a group. I want someone who doesn't have to draw satisfaction from another group of people and that it meant nothing against her.

The next day she texts me about going out to brunch. I confirmed that she kinda scared me away and then I wished her good luck in her future plans.

I have nothing against people liking these swinger groups or BDSM groups in general, but it isn't something I'm interested in. She's divorced and she doesn't think another man is going to fulfill her needs. I hid her profile and deleted her number. That isn't something that I want in my life.

I helped install around 50 or so computers where she works, so I know her building quite well. Thankfully we didn't meet in person.

 

[stn]

I thought escalating in that situation would have seemed rude and selfish and would've ruined my chances considering she said we can meetup next Sunday and hang out the whole day.

I think you made the right move, personally. But it is very likely she was looking for you know what. You just don't invite a person out clubbing unless you're looking for drunk humping or finishing the night in bed. I'd never invite a girl I wanted to either get to know or date to a club, its the worst place you can go. Either way, move on. What's done is done, you very likely will not change her mind.

 

[User 479360]

Finally heard back from the girl I went on a second date with/kissed.

She sent me a message saying Happy Easter...

 

[anaslexy]

Her reasons for not wanting to date you aside...are you capable of throwing aside any romantic feelings toward her? Are you willing to listen to her complain about the guys she is dating?

Or are you staying her friend in hopes that one day she'll be "emotionally available" and willing to start dating you?

Yes I can put aside my emotional feelings because we have great chemistry and this could turn into a shag. If feelings comes later then I'll see

 

[Scotch]

Yes I can put aside my emotional feelings because we have great chemistry and this could turn into a shag. If feelings comes later then I'll see

So, she wants to be friends and you agreed because you want to shag her. Move on, man.

 

[Jokab]

So I met this girl at a dance two weeks ago on Friday and we hit it off well. I get her number and we go out for drinks on Sunday which goes well too and we hold hands and make out. We also agree to a dinner date on Wednesday. She cancels because her grandfather had an accident and ends up in the hospital. She suggests that we meetup at a club on Saturday. We meetup and spend a few hours together and have a great time dancing, talking and again making out. We agree to spend the next Sunday together at a winery as she is out of town during the week.
Next day I receive a text saying "Hi there lovely to catch up with you again last night. I have to be honest with you I have realised my heart is still quite shattered from my previous relationship and so I'm just not ready to date or move on at the moment. I'm sorry to let you down. Happy to be friends though"
I said we should speak on the phone and clear this out and she said she will call me. Should I just let this go. I'm very puzzled as things seemed to be going well and out of nowhere I get this text.

I have heard this line countless of times. She's just not feeling it with you for whatever reason and is letting you down easy. Move on.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

Yes I can put aside my emotional feelings because we have great chemistry and this could turn into a shag. If feelings comes later then I'll see

Saints Alive.

BAIL OUT DUDE. This isn't going to turn into a shag. It's done, it's over. You have a much better chance of going out tonight and hooking up with someone else, which is exactly what you should be doing.

Great chemistry. Jesus....

 

[Lone_Prodigy]

Finally heard back from the girl I went on a second date with/kissed.

She sent me a message saying Happy Easter...

People are usually busy over a long weekend. The fact that she messaged you means she was thinking about you. If she wanted to ghost you she would've done so already.

Message her back, ask her about what she did over the holiday, and then eventually ask her out again.

 

[Royal_Phalanx]

So I'm talking about anime with a cute Asian girl on OkCupid and I should watch her favourite series because 'I'm missing out'. I'm aware I have to go for a meetup ASAP, so how should I go and suggest one without seeming to be rushing into one? Or, I'm overthinking it, which also, may well be the case, and I should just go for it

 

[bluethree]

How long have you been talking? My average is probably about 10-15 messages exchanged before I go for it, but others here mention asking after even less.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

So I'm talking about anime with a cute Asian girl on OkCupid and I should watch her favourite series because 'I'm missing out'. I'm aware I have to go for a meetup ASAP, so how should I go and suggest one without seeming to be rushing into one? Or, I'm overthinking it, which also, may well be the case, and I should just go for it

How many messages have you exchanged? If you're worried about coming across too strong, ask for off site contact details first. KiK, Snapchat, Line, WhatsApp, Telegram, etc and then take it from there.

If she's willing to give out that information, the next step to meeting should be easier but it's not guaranteed either.

How long have you been talking? My average is probably about 10-15 messages exchanged before I go for it, but others here mention asking after even less.

Five used to my standard. Strike will the iron is hot and before the conversation goes into messaging only territory.

 

[Royal_Phalanx]

How many messages have you exchanged? If you're worried about coming across too strong, ask for off site contact details first. KiK, Snapchat, Line, WhatsApp, Telegram, etc and then take it from there.

If she's willing to give out that information, the next step to meeting should be easier but it's not guaranteed either.



Five used to my standard. Strike will the iron is hot and before the conversation goes into messaging only territory.

Not a lot, just a handful.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

Not a lot, just a handful.

Ask for off site details and if she's receptive, you can work that into bringing up a meet over the next couple of days.

 

[bluethree]

If she's willing to give out that information, the next step to meeting should be easier but it's not guaranteed either.

Five used to my standard. Strike will the iron is hot and before the conversation goes into messaging only territory.

Yeah I can't tell you how many times a girl has stopped responding while trying to work out the details of an agreed upon meet, lol.

Sooner rather than later is of course better, because you can get into the trap of thinking things are going so well - and then she shuts you down when you actually ask to meet up. Too many girls looking for attention or a texting buddy and you need to filter them out fast.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

Yeah I can't tell you how many times a girl has stopped responding while trying to work out the details of an agreed upon meet, lol.

Sooner rather than later is of course better, because you can get into the trap of thinking things are going so well - and then she shuts you down when you actually ask to meet up. Too many girls looking for attention or a texting buddy and you need to filter them out fast.

The texting buddy thing used to drive me mad. They'd have looking for a long term relationship in the bio but still turn things into just texting and if you call them out on it...oh I was just looking for a friend.

Well, there's an option that says you're just looking for friends. Use it.

 

[bluethree]

The texting buddy thing used to drive me mad. They'd have looking for a long term relationship in the bio but still turn things into just texting and if you call them out on it...oh I was just looking for a friend.

Well, there's an option that says you're just looking for friends. Use it.

Judge by actions, not by words I guess lol. It is especially maddening on Tinder in Asia because some girls legitimately use it for making foreign friends, while others just say that in their bio to mask what they really want. I just ask for a date (with that exact word) quickly to filter out the one's who'd actually be interested and are on the same page.

 

[Royal_Phalanx]

Judge by actions, not by words I guess lol. It is especially maddening on Tinder in Asia because some girls legitimately use it for making foreign friends, while others just say that in their bio to mask what they really want. I just ask for a date (with that exact word) quickly to filter out the one's who'd actually be interested and are on the same page.

This whole online dating thing annoys me a great deal anyway, I hate it, but it's a necessity now because I don't meet many girls in real life anymore. And when I do, they're not single or not interested :/ Why do people use dating sites for friends, lol. I just want to fuck, goddamnit.

 

[bluethree]

This whole online dating thing annoys me a great deal anyway, I hate it, but it's a necessity now because I don't meet many girls in real life anymore. And when I do, they're not single or not interested :/ Why do people use dating sites for friends, lol. I just want to fuck, goddamnit.

I'd say someone should make a platonic Tinder, but that kind of thing would have the opposite problem and be overrun by people looking to fuck, lol.

 

[Whales]

Hi guys, I just noticed this thread and I actually have some stuff to ask

I've been with my gf for about 9-10 months now. I'm 20 and she's 19 ( soon to be 20 too)

She's a very religious girl, and for no sex before marriage. It's the same for me, so it's cool. I don't mind at all.

The problem is that, well, she literally never wants to kiss me, hug me or even hold my hand. At first I thought that was normal because she's kind of shy, but now it's been 10 months and she's still the same. When I try to hug her she basically goes '' get off me, stop '' and it's the same for even trying to hold her hand. I was okay with it but now i'm just getting tired of it. I did try talking to her and saying that I seriously am not liking that she NEVER wants to, and all she had to answer was '' well showing love with a hug sucks anyways, talking and being together is better''.

I can only remember ONE time during this whole relationship where she was the one to want to kiss me.

I'm getting kind of tired of this, because I know that after marriage I want to ,well, have sex. But seeing how she is so relunctant to just do basic stuff now almost 1 year in the relationship i'm starting to be afraid she'll just never want to..

 

[Llyranor]

If you are fundamentally incompatible when it comes to basic intimacy, you cannot salvage this one. Sorry, Whales. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can move on. Healthy relationships are not one-sided - your needs and wants should be satisfied as well.

I mean, how is this different from hanging out with a female friend?

 

[Dryk]

Some people just can't stand physical affection. For me personally I can't stand physical contact with ordinary people for the longest time but my brain mostly overrides it when it comes to relationships. But everyone is different, it might suck for your relationship and ultimately lead to it unraveling but she has the right to feel that way.

I mean, how is this different from hanging out with a female friend?

I would argue intent. But it's clearly not working for Whales so it's probably best to move on.

 

[ant_]

Hi guys, I just noticed this thread and I actually have some stuff to ask

I've been with my gf for about 9-10 months now. I'm 20 and she's 19 ( soon to be 20 too)

She's a very religious girl, and for no sex before marriage. It's the same for me, so it's cool. I don't mind at all.

The problem is that, well, she literally never wants to kiss me, hug me or even hold my hand. At first I thought that was normal because she's kind of shy, but now it's been 10 months and she's still the same. When I try to hug her she basically goes '' get off me, stop '' and it's the same for even trying to hold her hand. I was okay with it but now i'm just getting tired of it. I did try talking to her and saying that I seriously am not liking that she NEVER wants to, and all she had to answer was '' well showing love with a hug sucks anyways, talking and being together is better''.

I can only remember ONE time during this whole relationship where she was the one to want to kiss me.

I'm getting kind of tired of this, because I know that after marriage I want to ,well, have sex. But seeing how she is so relunctant to just do basic stuff now almost 1 year in the relationship i'm starting to be afraid she'll just never want to..

This is a huge part of a relationship, don't feel bad ending things because of this. If she was willing to talk but unwilling to listen, I don't see it getting much better.

I'd try and talk again and make it clear how important this issue is to you.

 

[Ape]

Hi guys, I just noticed this thread and I actually have some stuff to ask

I've been with my gf for about 9-10 months now. I'm 20 and she's 19 ( soon to be 20 too)

She's a very religious girl, and for no sex before marriage. It's the same for me, so it's cool. I don't mind at all.

The problem is that, well, she literally never wants to kiss me, hug me or even hold my hand. At first I thought that was normal because she's kind of shy, but now it's been 10 months and she's still the same. When I try to hug her she basically goes '' get off me, stop '' and it's the same for even trying to hold her hand. I was okay with it but now i'm just getting tired of it. I did try talking to her and saying that I seriously am not liking that she NEVER wants to, and all she had to answer was '' well showing love with a hug sucks anyways, talking and being together is better''.

I can only remember ONE time during this whole relationship where she was the one to want to kiss me.

I'm getting kind of tired of this, because I know that after marriage I want to ,well, have sex. But seeing how she is so relunctant to just do basic stuff now almost 1 year in the relationship i'm starting to be afraid she'll just never want to..

Super weird. The girl I'm boning is super religious and is 19 turning 20 very soon. She told me "no sex" before we started really talking but the last few weeks all we've been doing is boning every weekend or so.

 

[EchoChamber]

I'm going to invite this girl to a second date but I want to be more physical (hold hands,kiss etc)but how I will know when is the right time to do that? Because I want to give her the message I want to be more than friends.
Sorry for the broken English

 

[Whales]

Alright guys, thanks for the tips.

I'll wait until the semester ends to talk to her more seriously about the matter. We'll see what she thinks of it

 

[ZackieChan]

Alright guys, thanks for the tips.

I'll wait until the semester ends to talk to her more seriously about the matter. We'll see what she thinks of it

This is the main problem with waiting until you're married. For something that's so important to the health of a relationship going forward, making it a surprise that happens only after taking on a lifelong commitment is backwards thinking to me. Sounds like she has intimacy issues, and those won't magically go away when you're married.

 

[MrToughPants]

Nm

 

[Count Dookkake]

Tell her that her memory sucks.


EDIT:

Nm

No fair!

 

[Whales]

This is the main problem with waiting until you're married. For something that's so important to the health of a relationship going forward, making it a surprise that happens only after taking on a lifelong commitment is backwards thinking to me. Sounds like she has intimacy issues, and those won't magically go away when you're married.

Well, I wanted to giver her time tbh I kind of expected her to change after a few months but its been like 10 months now, clearly that isn't gonna happen

 

[ZackieChan]

Well, I wanted to giver her time tbh I kind of expected her to change after a few months but its been like 10 months now, clearly that isn't gonna happen

Maybe she's not the one for you. Sorry man.

 

[Llyranor]

Well, I wanted to giver her time tbh I kind of expected her to change after a few months but its been like 10 months now, clearly that isn't gonna happen

People change for themselves. You can't expect people to change for you (some might, but you can't rely on that).

Let's say you do have a discussion and talk about possibly breaking up. In her panic for fear of losing you, she might "change" for you. She'll hold hands, she'll cuddle, maybe even a kiss. But how long is that going to last? How long until she takes you for granted again and reverts back to her comfortable non-contact self?

And let's say she DOES keep it up, then what? You know by her present actions that she does not enjoy physical intimacy. How much of a strain is this going to have on the relationship? Is she going to start feeling resentful because she feels she has to do this? Obviously, compromise can be important in a relationship, but in this particular case, if it was an easy compromise for her, she would have been doing it already. So, either she is significantly uncomfortable with it (which is a problem since you seem to want that physical intimacy), or she does not respect you (a bigger problem). So, tread carefully.

 

[demosthenes]

I'd say someone should make a platonic Tinder, but that kind of thing would have the opposite problem and be overrun by people looking to fuck, lol.

Bumble has that. Called BumbleBFF.

 

[Leeness]

Just got back from my "date" with the infamous leeness. She's nowhere near as awful as she claims here, in fact she's actually pretty cool! She showed me a little bit around Vancouver's downtown, including a sweet steam powered clock. She also tried to push all kinds of maple based products on me but I don't want to appropriate Canadian culture so I refused. Would totally hang out with her if I lived around here (and if she also wanted too, she probably hates me &#128517

Did you at least get a Nanaimo bar? :/

 

[Dryk]

Oh man that "date" sounds awesome

 

[bluethree]

I'm going to invite this girl to a second date but I want to be more physical (hold hands,kiss etc)but how I will know when is the right time to do that? Because I want to give her the message I want to be more than friends.
Sorry for the broken English

Since everyone seems to read Models here, this is also relevant:
http://markmanson.net/shut-up-and-kiss-her

TLDR don't necessarily wait for the perfect moment or a specific green light.