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[Epcott]

and

Get it together, go to LinkedIn, USAJOBS, or indeed and find something, then worry about dating only after you can stand on your feet.


Guess that's about it, really

 

[SneakersSO]

Honestly, it sounds like you guys have been trying to keep this thing afloat way past the point of expiration. Some relationships are meant to last, others are meant to teach you what you really want & really need from a partner. She wants out & it sounds like she's wanted out for awhile, even during counseling sessions. She wouldn't continually being throwing things that you two had worked past back in your face if she wasn't searching for excuses to bail. To be honest OP, I don't think you having a job would've prevented any of her feelings. It might've helped you feel more stable, but thats not why she's leaving.

There are a lot of lessons for you to learn from this. Understand one thing - none of the mental effort you can put forth to winning her back is being put to good use. Instead, use that mental hang up on processing the lessons the last 3 years imparted on you. You say you're not a pet person yet lived with her for years with a cat despite the fact its not what you wanted. Obviously, some concession should be made in all relationships, but it sounds like larger issues regarding family & kids were also on the table along with pets.

I'd like to think you'll sit here & listen to our collective advice, but I also know exactly what yo're going through. If this is your first real heartbreak & you're over the age of 21, then its going to feel even worse. There are a lot of lessons we learn with dealing with heartbreak when we're in our adolescent years that are considerably more painful to learn after we're adults. This means that the pain of getting over her might be considerably more painful than what it would normally be. Know this - all your feelings of doubt, anguish & depression will pass. Time heals all wounds. No, the pining you feel will not last forever. And while you may ultimately try & convince yourself that just getting back together will make that feeling go away, know that it ultimately won't fix anything, and eventually you'll be right back where you started. It's best to just learn how to deal with this pain. Many of us forget how awful the feeling of that first heartbreak is.

Honestly, going by the rest of your story, it sounds like there are plenty of things you have in your life to potentially distract you from your romantic life. Try & focus on getting a job, preferably in the place you want to be in your life. You say you want to move to Seattle - go for it. Pack up your shit and go. You don't have a place to stay right now anyway. Pull some strings, borrow some money & move. And when you get there, take on any job you can find. You're a software engineer? Great - while you wait for a call back, work on your resume & apply to any retail or service job you can find. Get some income coming in, take up your time with things that you can do instead of just thinking about her.

 

[Vigilant Gambit]

Why?

My cousin told me this when I got broken up with and it helped me get through it but if there is something I failed to miss I am all ears.

I think because it implies that as soon as the potential for a breakup is brought up, that mentality essentially means that you would throw out all your trust in your SO.

As far as a coping mechanism to get through a breakup, though, I don't see an issue with it. The more important thing is probably not to bring any baggage into the next phase of your life, much less the next relationship.

impressive!

Thanks, but that's not what I've heard from literally every single employer I have spoken to this year has said, when it comes right down to it. It's always "you're not good enough." I got one on-site interview all year, and that was at Amazon, but still. Nobody else has even given me a chance to talk and solve problems in person.

One thing that really irks me is, I found out that a former boss of mine is a VP of Engineering at one of the companies I applied at. I found out when their recruiter told me that he had all sorts of great things to say about me. I still couldn't get an on-site interview.

Try posting your resume on reddit's cscareerquestions for more guidance.

https://www.reddit.com/r/cscareerquestions/

You have solid experience and you're clearly skillful, but your school's name probably puts you at a disadvantage. More personal projects would definitely help, especially while you're unemployed. I'm jealous that you got to work at EA!

Now is as good a time as any to work on a game. If you're looking for software engineering positions, it might not be a bad idea to work on your own game engine as you would learn a lot about design, resource management, multi-threading, the inner workings of a "game loop", lower level graphics rendering, etc. SFML is a great library to work with.

You could also contribute to some open source projects. And definitely consider working on your algorithmic thinking with sites like topcoder or even just reading the Algorithm Design Manual.

A lot of this could help take your mind off your relationship. I know it definitely sucks, and you remind me a lot of myself (if you don't believe me, check my thread history... yikes). It definitely sucks, but if you take some time out to reflect on yourself and the relationship (this could take over a year if not longer!) you will grow in the long run.

I posted my resume on one of the regular critiquing threads on that subreddit, but didn't get any feedback. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to just keep posting it there until someone responds.

As far as my school's name, I actually took it off of a more recent revision of my resume. So far, outside of having to enter it when asked during an online application, I've only actually had to tell someone where I went to school twice. It's a really sad state. I know multiple people who have the same degree I do, but literally are incapable of a hello world.

I've been trying to focus any side project efforts into a project using UE4. I was actually working on a sort of 3D remake of Windjammers, but then this happened. Sort of took the wind out of my sails.

I have used SFML on previous side projects, though. It was amazing, as I recall. I'm just not sure I wanna go back to 2D development, given the rich amount of free, high-quality 3D assets that are out there if I wanna go the 2.5D route. Also, UE4 experience could help me get a job I'm actually interested in down the line.

I checked your post history and had to stop on the vaporwave thread. Maaaaaaaannnnnnn.... I forgot all about that genre. I might have exactly the right vibe to get me through this now.

Also, going back to that Henri Laborit thing, I found a pretty cool article.

The main theme of the movie was that achieving the right equilibrium between action and inhibition of action is paramount to mental and physical health. Fleeing is the solution to escape inhibition of action, when other behaviors are not possible.

This should be obvious to me, I guess, but it's basically saying that it's scientifically proven that the best move for me to make is to get the hell away from my ex as soon as possible. I'm gonna watch the movie this guy made about his findings tomorrow, and hopefully it'll help me decide if I'll continue going to the meetup.

Good luck OP, I sympathize with you. You can only move forward. Have no regrets, it didn't work out for a reason.

Most important of all, be kind to yourself. Don't put yourself down for not having a job yet, or thinking that you caused the relationship to fail. It always takes two to make it work. You are not inadequate. You were both simply mismatched. Like I said, be kind to yourself and you will rise again from the ashes!

It's a struggle to shift "she broke up with me, so I'm the problem" to "we both had significant, recurring problems that she was unwilling to put enough effort into to adequately address them in a lasting way, so she took the more painful short term, less painful long term route of breaking up with me, knowing that it was truly the best move for both of us" due to the aforementioned emotional issues I'm still having, plus my inexperience with this sort of thing. That "it always takes two to make it work" bit really hits home for me. If I'm being honest, I kind of always resented the apparent fact that I always seemed to be the only one willing to actually try to make the relationship work when things got rough. She would start leaning towards "maybe we shouldn't be together?" in a "hey, I think I want to break up if you can't talk me out of it now, I guess" way, as opposed to "whoa, I love you, and I want to be with you, but these problems are really getting in the way, so let's work together to solve them," which is the closest I would ever get to actually breaking up.

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through but I've been through the exact same thing.

What I will say is that for a relationship to last, both people have to be willing to weather the hard times. Life has its ups and downs, and if you're not a person who can stick through the hard times then that relationship was going to fall apart eventually anyway. It was just a matter of time. Be glad it ended before things got too serious.

It was probably entirely the unemployment. This can happen to anybody. It could have been her but it happened to be you. Unfortunately our society has a lot of double standards for men and women. Some are unfair to women. Others are unfair to men. One of the double standards that's unfair to men is that unemployment is very often a relationship killer. Most men seem to be willing to stick by a female partner that has lost their job but you'll find fewer women who'll do the same. That's on them though.

Just be glad you didn't find this out when you really needed her like with a disability where you depended on her for support. Just take this as a sign she's sorted herself out as someone who wasn't worth committing to long term. It's foolish to stand by someone who won't stand by you.

Forget about her. Focus on what's best for you and find someone that's worth fighting for and not someone who's just going to bug out when things get hard.

Thanks for doubling down on the "working together" bit. It really helps drive that home. That's one of the key things here.

I don't think it was necessarily entirely the unemployment. Knowing what I know now? The first time things got "potential breakup" bad was late November, and I definitely was making good money back then. I don't recall what her job situation was like, though. Actually, I think she had a stressful student job and heavy course load. Even then, the only reason we didn't break up back then, I think, is because we eventually came up with counseling as a potential way to resolve our issues. And that's only because I pushed really hard to continue the conversation until we figured out a way to deal with what was bothering her. The issues I had with her weren't even really the subject at that point.

Knowing what I know now? I would have said, "hey, if things are bad enough that you're considering a breakup, and I'd have to try to convince you to stick around, then maybe we aren't right for each other after all, because I am, or was - kinda not sure right this second - definitely willing to do what it takes to preserve what we have. If we aren't on the same page on this, then it should end." And then I wouldn't have signed a lease on a new, slightly more expensive apartment 2 months into my unemployment.

You seem to very qualified! Hopefully you will find something soon. My advice is to currently focus on yourself. Your ex is obviously not willing to put the effort to fix your relationship. It's time to give up on that, and that's the hardest part sadly.

Yesterday marked the 1 year anniversary of me breaking up with my BF. A day after my birthday, and it was very painful. Looking back, I have done a lot to improve on myself. I am currently in shape and doing very well in school. The pain is still there, but it's no longer an issue. Don't blame yourself for what happened and I promise you that you will find someone who is better!

Actually, I might be getting a phone interview for a position that seems to match my kind of experience almost exactly (expert in a couple things, a little bit of knowledge in a lot of other things) in Seattle soon. I'm tentatively excited about it, since I don't wanna get my hopes up before the statistically-inevitable rejection email.

Thanks for the uplifting words. It helps to get perspective from a breakup-er rather than just other breakup-ees. One thing I wonder, though, is if/when I'll be comfortable being friends with her. It seems that conventional wisdom says to cut off all ties, but given that we aren't exactly enemies at this point, I dunno. From experience, I know that one kind of relationship with someone going badly doesn't necessarily preclude a great relationship of another kind with that same person. As an individual who hates having roommates, I moved in with my best friend, and didn't really enjoy it, pretty much for all the reasons I thought I wouldn't. There was definitely some resentment during that time. The thing is, though, we remained great friends afterward. Granted, there was nothing at all like a breakup involved, but still. What I've heard from you guys and elsewhere seems at odds with the concept of "being friends with an ex."

Any relationship is essentially dealing with their partners bullshit. The love you have for the other person simply has to outweigh the skeletons in the closet, to make people still want to be in the relationship.
It sounds to me like, between her paying all the bills, your depression and your anger issues, that it became too much for your ex, and she gave up on you. She might have lost respect for you as well.

You... I like you. This is a conclusion I came to myself very early on in the relationship. "Wow! I can put up with all her bullshit! This is great!"

The one... wrinkle I didn't mention, is that we had a sort of arrangement. There were periods during our relationship when we lived together and she either had no job or had an extremely low-paying job. During those times, I was paying for the lion's share of the bills. When she had no job, she was able to contribute using money from her considerable student loan disbursements. Anyway, the plan was, between the money she was making at her current job, and the money I had in savings, we had a runway from the start of January to some time in August or September before I'd run out of money and our combined bills would exceed our combined ability to pay them. My ex was actually willing to let this arrangement continue. She broke up with me, and after a few minutes, said that she was willing to continue living with me in the same apartment for as long as it took until I got a job and was able to move out. My buddy and my mother both were ultimately able to convince me not to agree to that arrangement, and to GTFO of that living situation as soon as I could, for my own sanity.

That's not to say that my being a leech didn't contribute to her stress, just that she seemed just fine with supporting me, simply because she's that kind of person. Throughout the relationship, we looked out for each other as a matter of course, without batting an eyelid. The anger definitely played a part, too, but I've already started putting things in motion to get that checked out by a professional. The same applies to the depression, which is as-yet undiagnosed (but suspected by her, again, since she has chronic depression herself).

You can ask for understanding and help, but you're not entitled to it, because feelings are irrational, and people fall in and out of love against their will.
As such, framing this as her inability to want to communicate with you, is a mistake.

I'm not a therapist or a professional, but I'd say you're not ready now to be in a relationship. Living with someone who has depression can be tortuous. Their mood swings can cause anxiety and endlessly bad days as you stand idle not being able to help, and just watch someone you love fall into despair. There might be good reasons, and those can lead to understanding, but that still doesn't lessen the toxicity. It becomes a game of how long you can endure.
And you say that you have been unemployed for more than six months. That's a long time for her to carry you financially.




At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what mental gymnastic you do, to justify or explain things as they have happened. The harsh truth is that your ex just doesn't want the sex chemical from you anymore. We're lead to those we are attracted to, and that is all people can go on.
You said this was your first relationship. Those are very often hard, and like your next couple of relationships, they are most likely notches on the belt. Congratulations. You just reached LvL 2 in Relationship. Now you need to get new gear and new abillities and find a LvL 2 girlfriend who fits for you. It's going to take a while. But you have all the experience points. You leveled up. Everything went as it had to, and life is about getting smarter through experiences, so it had to almost certainly happen this way.

You cannot act better than what level of understanding you have, and since this is your first relationship you acted the best you could.
What you have control of now is how you want to apply the lessons learned. Everyone spend their entire lives finding their own unique demons. We all have them, in various shapes. You have yours. Fighting them and usurping them is a long process, and only you have the key.
When we talk about "improving yourself" it's not just so you keep your mind busy as you feel the heartbreak (and feeling heartbreak is important) but also so you become better at your next relationship. We will always carry our skeleton in our closet with us. No level of improvement truly makes us ready for the next relationship, but I think most of us would say that there is a certain standard we should strive for before we move on.

It takes a lot of time to get over someone you love. So don't skip steps. Be sad, and accept there are days that suck ass. Remember that you'd be a psychopath if you didn't feel sad over someone you really cared about.
But at the same time you can be happy that you're free and got a lot ahead of you. You know a lot more than before your relationship, so you're enriched. You might sit down and chalk up (write down!) some things you want to do better next time and some things you want to be rid of.
Nothing wrong with being single. You're not attached to her in a divorce or with kids, or with a shared estate or any of that type of stuff.
You can sit back, get a kebab and really just try and refocus on how lucky you are. Making plans are exciting. Reinventing yourself is exciting. How are you going to make all of this better? What are you going to do about your job? How are your going to change your plan of attack? are you going to move? back home with your parents? look for a different sort of jobs in the mean time? Whatever it is, you have to solve it, and now you have the time and the incentive. That's what life is all about. It's going exactly as it has to.
It's much better to feel the sting of a pulling out a arrow in your heart, than let it sit for years as your heart grows dark, and both you and your ex waste your lives being unhappy, talking in circles because none of you have the balls/labia to just man up and acknowledge that the love is dead.
But so many people are afraid of being alone and scared of the heartbreak that they'd stay in poisonous relationships as they wither away. Fuck. That.

Now is the time to read Patrick Rothfuss. Now is the time to eat Peanut Butter. Now is the time to make sure you get some sun. Now is the time to find new great music through Spotify Discover Weekly. Now is the time to play Witcher 3s Expansions! Now is the time to join a gym! Now is the time to just find yourself again. It's hard work, but it's also satisfying. It's a new start. Or it can be. If you use this productively. Be sad. Be tremendously sad when you are. Allow yourself to have days that are just fucking terrible because you suddenly remembered something that reminded you of your ex. It's all part of it.
You can do whatever you want. You can a Hulk Fleshlight. You can go Kayaking. You can learn to cook the meanest fucking risotto. Whatever the hell you decide to do, just remember that we always have to grow to feel more happy. When we stagnate (in my experience) we grow really sad. When we are not evolving or improving we feel that the good lives we have are less so, because we are malleable. Then we appreciate things less and forget how things are. Even when they are bad. It's not the bad shit in your life that makes you unhappy. It's how we decide to (often not) deal with them.

Man... Thanks for this. This is another one of those posts I'm gonna have to come back to and reread when things get bad again.

Also, cool name.

 

[Vigilant Gambit]

(Last post ran too long)

To me it just sounds like you ultimately weren't compatible and that's ok. You seem like you are they type of person willing to really work hard on something that you want so put all that energy into getting yourself set up with a job and a place where you are happy. I believe you said it was your first relationship so while it sucks to be alone just know it probably won't be the only time that happens to you. Good luck and keep your head up.

As a side note I can't even compute the idea of a relationship counselor for a first time relationship but would be interested in hearing more info from people that did that.

I'm definitely that type of person. In fact, after the first breakup, I really started trying to find a new job, any job, specifically because I felt strongly that being out of the house more (especially if I moved out of state) would ease a ton of the pressure that us living together put on the relationship.

Honestly, though, the more I think back, the further back I can start to recognize things that made me go "hm." as red flags ultimately indicating that this was gonna happen sooner or later.

As far as a counselor, there didn't seem to be anything wrong with it. We had a great counselor for the first two sessions, and a lousy one for the third, so we stopped when we really probably shouldn't have. But I think things were already too far gone at that point; I just couldn't see it back then.

From reading your entire post, I think you need to do the both of you a favour and move on.

It is not acceptable to use your unemployment as a crutch to constantly exude a negative vibe or atmosphere. Being visibly upset during a family outing, especially with her family, is completely not a good look at all. You didn't just ruin it for yourself and her, you left a bad impression on her entire family.

If you are feeling depressed, I suggest seeking some sort of therapy and see if you can start going on some meetups for software dev or any hobbies that you have. Take your mind off things, make new friends, hone your skills.

The thing about staying committed is that you should only do that with a special someone. For me, it's family and a very, very special group of close friends. You can't just expect every average joe in the street to stick with you through thick and thin. That's not fair to them, and not realistic either.

She evidently lacks the desire and energy to keep this relationship going. So don't force it. Use it as an opportunity to refresh, work on yourself, be happy, and then get together with someone. You can very well find someone who is prettier, funnier, more exuberant, a better match, or all of these things.

Stay tough, OP, because I'm currently battling some funk as well.

Edit: But I do agree on bringing up random issues from months/weeks ago during an argument. It's aggravating, especially if you (as a pair) have resolved or are going through the steps to resolve it. Unless it's a recurrent pattern, it's irrelevant to the discussion at hand.

I was having a particularly shitty weekend, honestly. The one rejection I mentioned from the job where I personally knew the VP of engineering really fucked me up. It was like, if I can't get that job, which is basically the standard "well that's how you get jobs, is who you know" scenario, then what the fuck job can I get, you know? That plus all the other bullshit I went through that weekend.

The thing is, I didn't even have to go. I felt obligated because I thought it was the right thing to do.

Hey OP! Sorry to hear about everything. I've been in a similar situation when my GF at the time didn't want to "work on it" and left. I was heartbroken and depressed for a while but coming out on the other side felt really good.

It will be hard to concentrate on other things but you have to try. It is a game of practice and patience. Do things you find relaxing, even if they don't seem to be relaxing at the time; do things that need to get done, don't let this negatively impact you more than you need to.

Ditch the board game meet up. Sorry bro, she introduced you to that, it's kinda hers and you probably don't want to be there with her and she probably doesn't want you there, for a while at least.

Finally, try not to worry too much about getting her back. The best and most sincere way of getting her back is letting her go. She will come back if she wants to. Try to focus on what you can do to meet new girls you have things in common with.

Best of luck man.

Part of why she wanted me to continue living with her post-breakup instead of moving in with my mother out of town is so I wouldn't have to deal with uprooting my life and friends in addition to the unemployment. And there is definitely some truth to that; a 90-minute drive is a bit shit when money is tight and time to spend on the job search is precious. Honestly, what I'm thinking is skipping the meetup in favor of hanging out with the usual suspects at their houses instead. At least then, I'd know I wouldn't bump into my ex. That's probably the right move.

Honestly, it sounds like you guys have been trying to keep this thing afloat way past the point of expiration. Some relationships are meant to last, others are meant to teach you what you really want & really need from a partner. She wants out & it sounds like she's wanted out for awhile, even during counseling sessions. She wouldn't continually being throwing things that you two had worked past back in your face if she wasn't searching for excuses to bail. To be honest OP, I don't think you having a job would've prevented any of her feelings. It might've helped you feel more stable, but thats not why she's leaving.

There are a lot of lessons for you to learn from this. Understand one thing - none of the mental effort you can put forth to winning her back is being put to good use. Instead, use that mental hang up on processing the lessons the last 3 years imparted on you. You say you're not a pet person yet lived with her for years with a cat despite the fact its not what you wanted. Obviously, some concession should be made in all relationships, but it sounds like larger issues regarding family & kids were also on the table along with pets.

I'd like to think you'll sit here & listen to our collective advice, but I also know exactly what yo're going through. If this is your first real heartbreak & you're over the age of 21, then its going to feel even worse. There are a lot of lessons we learn with dealing with heartbreak when we're in our adolescent years that are considerably more painful to learn after we're adults. This means that the pain of getting over her might be considerably more painful than what it would normally be. Know this - all your feelings of doubt, anguish & depression will pass. Time heals all wounds. No, the pining you feel will not last forever. And while you may ultimately try & convince yourself that just getting back together will make that feeling go away, know that it ultimately won't fix anything, and eventually you'll be right back where you started. It's best to just learn how to deal with this pain. Many of us forget how awful the feeling of that first heartbreak is.

Honestly, going by the rest of your story, it sounds like there are plenty of things you have in your life to potentially distract you from your romantic life. Try & focus on getting a job, preferably in the place you want to be in your life. You say you want to move to Seattle - go for it. Pack up your shit and go. You don't have a place to stay right now anyway. Pull some strings, borrow some money & move. And when you get there, take on any job you can find. You're a software engineer? Great - while you wait for a call back, work on your resume & apply to any retail or service job you can find. Get some income coming in, take up your time with things that you can do instead of just thinking about her.

I had not truly considered this possibility. A one way ticket to Seattle, if I use Skiplagged, is like $200 and under. Airbnb, with their monthly discount, would be like a grand for a month in a room. Is a month long enough to get a job, any job, while I look for a real job? I have a little bit of money coming in from a personal loan. Might could borrow money from a friend. A little more money coming in from this clinical trial I'll be participating in soon. Hm... This could actually work. It's a LOT easier to get a job when you don't have to convince a company to fly you out for an interview, or to pay for relocation. And Seattle is one of the true tech hotspots of the country, so it'd be a much, much better search than in Orlando. I need to sleep on this.

Thanks a lot, man. I'd heard the "well then just move to Seattle" advice before, but dismissed it out of hand for being too risky to actually pull off without risking ending up homeless or some shit. I've realized recently that I get way too narrow-minded when it comes to figuring shit out. Living at home will not be fun, at all. Having a shitty job out west would still mean living out west, and at least I'd have the freedom of not living at home. I can keep my things in storage at my mother's house for free.

The more I think about this idea, the more I like it. It solves a bunch of problems at once.

Holy shit...

 

[diab0lus.ex.machina]

First things first, relationships aren't really about "logistics" or "issues" or "not being able to pay for relationship counceling", they're about feelings and emotions and ATTRACTION to each other FIRST. The rest of the stuff that seems important only seems that way because we humans love trying to justify and rationalize things to ourselves. If the relationship ended, it was because one or more of you just weren't really feeling it for the other anymore for one reason or another. It happens sometimes, and it's okay. The important thing is that you LEARN and GROW from this situation and ultimately MOVE ON.

Way too often people just get mad or resentful at the other person, refuse to own up to their part of a situation, blame the other person for everything, never really deal with the situation, and never really get over stuff as a result. Like, how many people out there do you see still not over a past relationship (sometimes YEARS in the past), either because they're angry/resentful at the person, or because they're still pining away for them? Don't be that guy.

Like it or not, you could've been better or done things differently. What are those things? It's important to actually DEAL WITH this stuff and to deal with your emotions, and to do that you have to get your introspection on and be brutally honest with yourself while doing so. Once you have a good handle on things, then you can truly move on. I personally think that ultimately comes down to truly being okay with the fact that the relationship is over.

Once you're at that point, I suggest moving on by improving yourself in some way. Go start working out and getting some exercise (i'd say do this even if you don't "want to"). If there's some hobby you always wanted to get into or some new skill or whatever you've always wanted to learn (*ahem*like the skill of 'getting a job'*cough*), now's the time. Importantly, you should also move on socially by either trying to meet new friends, or by dating new girls. If you don't know how, then that sounds to me like an interesting challenge that fits quite nicely under the 'improving yourself in some way' category.

For now though, just let yourself basically mourn. It's okay (and frankly, a GOOD thing) to let yourself feel like shit for a little bit. (I believe the general "rule" is 1 week of feeling like shit for every year you were together). You were together for 3 years, and you had some great times and some not great times. You need to let yourself feel the weight of all that in order to truly process it. Believe me, you'll find yourself feeling pretty damn amazing soon enough if you actually put some quality work into making yourself a better person...

 

[andythinkpad]

She gave you a fair chance.

Move on.

 

[jb1234]

The only thing I can mention is that Seattle is an expensive city and getting worse. The average rent has literally doubled in the time I've lived here (from $900 a month to $1800). Don't move out here without a job lined up and make sure that it covers the cost of living here.

 

[Kieli]

Thanks, but that's not what I've heard from literally every single employer I have spoken to this year has said, when it comes right down to it. It's always "you're not good enough." I got one on-site interview all year, and that was at Amazon, but still. Nobody else has even given me a chance to talk and solve problems in person.

You have a great set of experiences, OP, and I'm surprised that you haven't already been gobbled up by tech companies. Could it be perhaps due to your location? Are you getting screened out during the pre-interview process? Or are you struggling to break past the technical, in-person interview?

 

[nintendork666]

Bro, I'm a year out from a getting dumped after a seven year relationship. She left me for another dude and it cut my soul in half. She was my world, OP.

A year later, after focusing on myself, I've become a much stronger person. I've finally pursued my true interests, moved into my own apartment, make short internet videos again, started doing standup comedy, and even co-host a podcast with my friends.

I'm not exactly a ladykiller, but that's moreso due to0 my self-esteem than anything else. Believe in yourself, OP, put forth the effort, and good things will come your way.

 

[Eppy Thatcher]

Meng you need to be get yourself to a place where you can support yourself without sacrificing anything and enjoy life before you do anything else.

Imma assume you're young (early 20s?) and you said this was you first relationship so treat it exactly as it is. You're first learning experience. You take away what works in partner, what doesn't, what you enjoy about living with someone else, what you don't, how you best work through arguments and other such fuckery and you take that education into your next relationship. That way - very soon after dating someone for a little bit - you'll be able to look at that person and know if they have the qualities you want.

It's probably gonna take a few people.
Maybe some roomates.
Maybe some new friends.
Probably at least a more than a few rolls through dem sheets..

and you'll be equipped to be in a mature relationship. And hopefully - god willing - have a mother fucking stable job by this time. Cause fuck dude... get a job. Any job.

 

[WedgeX]

My relationship with my ex, with whom I was together with for four years, took a nosedive once I became unemployed. And after only a month. Yet we limped on for about a year and a half afterwards. Similarly considered counseling, etc. Eventually got a job, in her hometown in the middle of nowhere during the tail end of Michigan's recession, an hour away from where I lived. Soon as I took the job she broke things off.

There were many, many more things but man. If a partner is not willing to be a good partner during times of unemployment, which bring with it tons of self-esteem and depression problems, then they need to go. I eventually met a girl who asked me to move across the country to her so I quit my job and did so. But couldn't find a full-time job for about a month and a half. Temped, luckily. But she saw me through that period. And now we've been married for going on two years.

It may feel like shit right now, but it gets better.

 

[Vigilant Gambit]

You have a great set of experiences, OP, and I'm surprised that you haven't already been gobbled up by tech companies. Could it be perhaps due to your location? Are you getting screened out during the pre-interview process? Or are you struggling to break past the technical, in-person interview?

At the end of the day, I can't really say I know. I just haven't been getting any on-site interviews. The most promising thing I have going right now in terms of a potential Seattle job is one where I'd be a sort of "rotating contractor" for Microsoft game projects, where they'd switch me from job to job instead of leaving me unemployed for several months in between contracts. I'd also get insurance and PTO. But I have to fly myself to the on-site if I get it, and also pay my own way to Seattle, which pretty much means a very spartan life to start, and then moving my shit out west once I can afford to. It kinda sucks, but if I can manage to land that job, it'd be the fastest way to the life that I've always wanted.

My relationship with my ex, with whom I was together with for four years, took a nosedive once I became unemployed. And after only a month. Yet we limped on for about a year and a half afterwards. Similarly considered counseling, etc. Eventually got a job, in her hometown in the middle of nowhere during the tail end of Michigan's recession, an hour away from where I lived. Soon as I took the job she broke things off.

There were many, many more things but man. If a partner is not willing to be a good partner during times of unemployment, which bring with it tons of self-esteem and depression problems, then they need to go. I eventually met a girl who asked me to move across the country to her so I quit my job and did so. But couldn't find a full-time job for about a month and a half. Temped, luckily. But she saw me through that period. And now we've been married for going on two years.

It may feel like shit right now, but it gets better.

Stories like this give me hope.

At this point, I understand that no matter how bad I feel about things, that the sadness from this won't last. I understand the particulars of my situation too well.

Yesterday, I had an individual counseling session at the local college. I'm not sure why I was surprised, but what the counselor had to say differed from literally everything I had heard from everything I had read online and everything I was told by people I spoke to in person.

Essentially, she said that there is no "right" way to deal with a breakup, that nothing is off the table, and that only I can truly know what's best. For some people, that might mean cutting the ex out of your life. For others, that could mean making sure the ex is a part of your life, so the transition out of the relationship isn't quite so jarring. I'm kind of reminded of the TED talk of the guy who said that it's much, much worse to rip off a bandage than to slowly peel it back, in terms of the amount of discomfort/pain felt across the whole thing.

The whole thing is a process of trial and error. Try something, see how it makes me feel. If good, okay. If bad, probably best to avoid that for the time being. I'm already at a point where, for me, getting back together is completely off the table, which is one of the most important aspects about it. Getting back to a state of equilibrium is simply a matter of time, and how I go about it is up to me.

That being said, I really did give some consideration to that idea to just move to Seattle and get a job. I decided against it. Living with my mother in a shitty town will very likely be as miserable as it was before I moved out, but at least my burn rate will be as small as it could possibly get, giving me the maximum amount of time to find a job somewhere before I run out of money. Also, I have a phone interview today for a local position that I'm pretty sure I'm overqualified for, and would pay less than my last job (but more than the one before), so I'm pretty hopeful that I'll be able to get it. If I do, then I'll be in a pretty good place again.

 

[Auctopus]

My girlfriend broke up with me years ago, thought she was the best girlfriend I could possibly have.

Got a way better girlfriend 6 months later.

 

[MajorMane]

My previous relationship was over four years long. We had gotten together in high school and went through college together. It was both of our's longest relationship at that point. It also probably lasted about 2 years too long (and that's generous.)

Long story short, we really just grew apart from who we were in high school. We fought and bickered all the damn time. I always pride myself on trying to stay calm and rational during a fight/argument. Doesn't really help if both people are just yelling at each other... well, I got to the point where I really didn't care any more. I fought, I bickered. I pushed her buttons just like she would do mine. I stopped really caring in it and elsewhere in life. Grades suffered a bit in college, stopped seeing my friends. I was irritable all the time and really hated the person I was becoming.

But for whatever reason, I still thought we could make it work. I mean, 3 or 4 years is a long time and really an eternity at that point in my life. I'd try to make changes and do better, but nothing really caused any long-term change. We might have a few days of a "good" relationship, but soon we'd be fighting again.

I was the one that eventually broke it off. (

Spoiler

Two days before her birthday. Whoops.)

It wasn't after some big fight or anything like that. I just couldn't go on in this relationship any longer. And even though I was at that point in the relationship, it was a tough decision. When anyone who's been a significant part of your life for that long is now not part of your life, well, it's going to feel weird for awhile.

Spoiler

(She actually made this part easier for me given her actions after the breakup, but that's a story for another day...)

Okay, so right now OP's probably thinking, "Yeah, that's a story alright, but how does it help me?"

Here's how. After the breakup, I took the time to work on myself. I rediscovered the things that I loved that I had given up along the way. I worked on myself to become a better person and to start giving a shit about life. Along the way I was lucky enough to meet a person who would become a good friend and later girlfriend. By working on myself and not really worrying about this broken relationship, life really turned out great.

So, that's what I would suggest, OP. Work on yourself. Find things that make you happy. Surround yourself with friends who actually want you to be happy. Time passes and one day you'll realize that this was the right choice (even if she was the one that broke up.) It might be a week from now. It might a few months, but you'll get there. (Fun fact: I do believe that the average time it takes someone to get over a relationship is something like 3 months. That's really not a long time.)

In terms of job search, it sounds like you've been in a rut. Rather than just keep digging, I'd suggest what others have already suggested. There are sites out there (subreddits) that will help you with your resume and job search. They're basically pros at that, so I'd say take that help. It's probably something that's easily fixed.

Above all else, remember that you'll get through this part of your life. No matter how you deal with the fallout of the breakup, you will get past it. You'll reevaluate what it is you want in life and you'll go after it. You've got this.

 

[Weckum]

It takes time. Me and my gf broke up couple of weeks ago and it was rough, but I've been working out daily and that helps. Also, Euro 2016 and new season of Orange is the New Black are helping.

For me, the hardest part is not having someone to talk to (semi)daily. You know, just shooting the shit via text and talking about random things. The feelings I can get over and I knew from the start that this wasn't the girl I was gonna spend the rest of my life with, but the not talking to her for now is what's fucking with me.

It's especially hard because I'm living in a different country and my friends and family aren't here to do stuff with. I have friends here, but it's not the same.

Install Tinder if you crave some attention by the way.

 

[Draconestra]

Don't start thinking about what went wrong and how you could have done things differently. It's poison to your mind. Just accept what happened, lash out if you need to, cry, be angry, you know? Just let it all out. When you feel like you got most of it out, now start to find new distractions, new things to work on that'll benefit you.

It's been two months since my ex and I broke up. Tried to stay as friends, shit didn't work out at all. Specially for her because her new friends decided to spent some time with me. From that point onward, it was a living nightmare. Lots of manipulation, sabotaging, it was just toxic. So I had to cut that shit out for good.

Hit the gym, hung out with friends and made some short term goals. Now, that most of that is out of the way, I'm wondering what else to do. Key thing here is to keep busy and stay busy. I'm sorta trying to find someone new via dating apps, but it's not really working out for me at the moment.

Honestly, I still think I have some baggage but reading this book called Emotional First Aid has helped tremendously. It really has. Made me realize a few things about myself that I need to work on mentally too, and I'm starting to feel a lot better and more confident already.