Why?
My cousin told me this when I got broken up with and it helped me get through it but if there is something I failed to miss I am all ears.
I think because it implies that as soon as the potential for a breakup is brought up, that mentality essentially means that you would throw out all your trust in your SO.
As far as a coping mechanism to get through a breakup, though, I don't see an issue with it. The more important thing is probably not to bring any baggage into the next phase of your life, much less the next relationship.
Thanks, but that's not what I've heard from literally every single employer I have spoken to this year has said, when it comes right down to it. It's always "you're not good enough." I got one on-site interview all year, and that was at Amazon, but still. Nobody else has even given me a chance to talk and solve problems in person.
One thing that really irks me is, I found out that a former boss of mine is a VP of Engineering at one of the companies I applied at. I found out when their recruiter told me that he had all sorts of great things to say about me. I
still couldn't get an on-site interview.
Try posting your resume on reddit's cscareerquestions for more guidance.
https://www.reddit.com/r/cscareerquestions/
You have solid experience and you're clearly skillful, but your school's name probably puts you at a disadvantage. More personal projects would definitely help, especially while you're unemployed. I'm jealous that you got to work at EA!
Now is as good a time as any to work on a game. If you're looking for software engineering positions, it might not be a bad idea to work on your own game engine as you would learn a lot about design, resource management, multi-threading, the inner workings of a "game loop", lower level graphics rendering, etc. SFML is a great library to work with.
You could also contribute to some open source projects. And definitely consider working on your algorithmic thinking with sites like topcoder or even just reading the Algorithm Design Manual.
A lot of this could help take your mind off your relationship. I know it definitely sucks, and you remind me a lot of myself (if you don't believe me, check my thread history... yikes). It definitely sucks, but if you take some time out to reflect on yourself and the relationship (this could take over a year if not longer!) you will grow in the long run.
I posted my resume on one of the regular critiquing threads on that subreddit, but didn't get any feedback. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to just keep posting it there until someone responds.
As far as my school's name, I actually took it off of a more recent revision of my resume. So far, outside of having to enter it when asked during an online application, I've only actually had to tell someone where I went to school twice. It's a really sad state. I know multiple people who have the same degree I do, but literally are incapable of a hello world.
I've been trying to focus any side project efforts into a project using UE4. I was actually working on
a sort of 3D remake of Windjammers, but then
this happened. Sort of took the wind out of my sails.
I have used SFML on previous side projects, though. It was amazing, as I recall. I'm just not sure I wanna go back to 2D development, given the rich amount of free, high-quality 3D assets that are out there if I wanna go the 2.5D route. Also, UE4 experience could help me get a job I'm actually interested in down the line.
I checked your post history and had to stop on the vaporwave thread. Maaaaaaaannnnnnn.... I forgot all about that genre. I might have
exactly the right vibe to get me through this now.
Also, going back to that Henri Laborit thing, I found a
pretty cool article.
The main theme of the movie was that achieving the right equilibrium between action and inhibition of action is paramount to mental and physical health. Fleeing is the solution to escape inhibition of action, when other behaviors are not possible.
This should be obvious to me, I guess, but it's basically saying that it's scientifically proven that the best move for me to make is to get the hell away from my ex as soon as possible. I'm gonna watch the movie this guy made about his findings tomorrow, and hopefully it'll help me decide if I'll continue going to the meetup.
Good luck OP, I sympathize with you. You can only move forward. Have no regrets, it didn't work out for a reason.
Most important of all, be kind to yourself. Don't put yourself down for not having a job yet, or thinking that you caused the relationship to fail. It always takes two to make it work. You are not inadequate. You were both simply mismatched. Like I said, be kind to yourself and you will rise again from the ashes!
It's a struggle to shift "
she broke up with
me, so
I'm the problem" to "we both had significant, recurring problems that she was unwilling to put enough effort into to adequately address them in a lasting way, so she took the more painful short term, less painful long term route of breaking up with me, knowing that it was truly the best move for both of us" due to the aforementioned emotional issues I'm still having, plus my inexperience with this sort of thing. That "it always takes two to make it work" bit really hits home for me. If I'm being honest, I kind of always resented the apparent fact that I always seemed to be the only one willing to actually try to make the relationship work when things got rough. She would start leaning towards "maybe we shouldn't be together?" in a "hey, I think I want to break up if you can't talk me out of it now, I guess" way, as opposed to "whoa, I love you, and I want to be with you, but these problems are really getting in the way, so let's work together to solve them," which is the closest I would ever get to actually breaking up.
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through but I've been through the exact same thing.
What I will say is that for a relationship to last, both people have to be willing to weather the hard times. Life has its ups and downs, and if you're not a person who can stick through the hard times then that relationship was going to fall apart eventually anyway. It was just a matter of time. Be glad it ended before things got too serious.
It was probably entirely the unemployment. This can happen to anybody. It could have been her but it happened to be you. Unfortunately our society has a lot of double standards for men and women. Some are unfair to women. Others are unfair to men. One of the double standards that's unfair to men is that unemployment is very often a relationship killer. Most men seem to be willing to stick by a female partner that has lost their job but you'll find fewer women who'll do the same. That's on them though.
Just be glad you didn't find this out when you really needed her like with a disability where you depended on her for support. Just take this as a sign she's sorted herself out as someone who wasn't worth committing to long term. It's foolish to stand by someone who won't stand by you.
Forget about her. Focus on what's best for you and find someone that's worth fighting for and not someone who's just going to bug out when things get hard.
Thanks for doubling down on the "working together" bit. It really helps drive that home. That's one of the key things here.
I don't think it was necessarily entirely the unemployment. Knowing what I know now? The first time things got "potential breakup" bad was late November, and I definitely was making good money back then. I don't recall what her job situation was like, though. Actually, I think she had a stressful student job and heavy course load. Even then, the only reason we didn't break up back then, I think, is because we eventually came up with counseling as a potential way to resolve our issues. And that's
only because I pushed really hard to continue the conversation until we figured out a way to deal with what was bothering her. The issues I had with her weren't even really the subject at that point.
Knowing what I know now? I would have said, "hey, if things are bad enough that you're considering a breakup, and I'd have to try to convince you to stick around, then maybe we aren't right for each other after all, because I am, or was - kinda not sure right this second - definitely willing to do what it takes to preserve what we have. If we aren't on the same page on this, then it should end." And then I wouldn't have signed a lease on a new, slightly more expensive apartment 2 months into my unemployment.
You seem to very qualified! Hopefully you will find something soon. My advice is to currently focus on yourself. Your ex is obviously not willing to put the effort to fix your relationship. It's time to give up on that, and that's the hardest part sadly.
Yesterday marked the 1 year anniversary of me breaking up with my BF. A day after my birthday, and it was very painful. Looking back, I have done a lot to improve on myself. I am currently in shape and doing very well in school. The pain is still there, but it's no longer an issue. Don't blame yourself for what happened and I promise you that you will find someone who is better!
Actually, I might be getting a phone interview for a position that seems to match my kind of experience almost exactly (expert in a couple things, a little bit of knowledge in a lot of other things) in Seattle soon. I'm tentatively excited about it, since I don't wanna get my hopes up before the statistically-inevitable rejection email.
Thanks for the uplifting words. It helps to get perspective from a breakup-er rather than just other breakup-ees. One thing I wonder, though, is if/when I'll be comfortable being friends with her. It seems that conventional wisdom says to cut off all ties, but given that we aren't exactly enemies at this point, I dunno. From experience, I know that one kind of relationship with someone going badly doesn't necessarily preclude a great relationship of another kind with that same person. As an individual who hates having roommates, I moved in with my best friend, and didn't really enjoy it, pretty much for all the reasons I thought I wouldn't. There was definitely some resentment during that time. The thing is, though, we remained great friends afterward. Granted, there was nothing at all like a breakup involved, but still. What I've heard from you guys and elsewhere seems at odds with the concept of "being friends with an ex."
Any relationship is essentially dealing with their partners bullshit. The love you have for the other person simply has to outweigh the skeletons in the closet, to make people still want to be in the relationship.
It sounds to me like, between her paying all the bills, your depression and your anger issues, that it became too much for your ex, and she gave up on you. She might have lost respect for you as well.
You... I like you. This is a conclusion I came to myself very early on in the relationship. "Wow! I can put up with all her bullshit! This is great!"
The one... wrinkle I didn't mention, is that we had a sort of arrangement. There were periods during our relationship when we lived together and she either had no job or had an extremely low-paying job. During those times, I was paying for the lion's share of the bills. When she had no job, she was able to contribute using money from her considerable student loan disbursements. Anyway, the plan was, between the money she was making at her current job, and the money I had in savings, we had a runway from the start of January to some time in August or September before I'd run out of money and our combined bills would exceed our combined ability to pay them. My ex was actually willing to let this arrangement continue. She broke up with me, and after a few minutes, said that she was willing to continue living with me in the same apartment for as long as it took until I got a job and was able to move out. My buddy and my mother both were ultimately able to convince me not to agree to that arrangement, and to GTFO of that living situation as soon as I could, for my own sanity.
That's not to say that my being a leech didn't contribute to her stress, just that she seemed just fine with supporting me, simply because she's that kind of person. Throughout the relationship, we looked out for each other as a matter of course, without batting an eyelid. The anger definitely played a part, too, but I've already started putting things in motion to get that checked out by a professional. The same applies to the depression, which is as-yet undiagnosed (but suspected by her, again, since she has chronic depression herself).
You can ask for understanding and help, but you're not entitled to it, because feelings are irrational, and people fall in and out of love against their will.
As such, framing this as her inability to want to communicate with you, is a mistake.
I'm not a therapist or a professional, but I'd say you're not ready now to be in a relationship. Living with someone who has depression can be tortuous. Their mood swings can cause anxiety and endlessly bad days as you stand idle not being able to help, and just watch someone you love fall into despair. There might be good reasons, and those can lead to understanding, but that still doesn't lessen the toxicity. It becomes a game of how long you can endure.
And you say that you have been unemployed for more than six months. That's a long time for her to carry you financially.
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what mental gymnastic you do, to justify or explain things as they have happened. The harsh truth is that your ex just doesn't want the sex chemical from you anymore. We're lead to those we are attracted to, and that is all people can go on.
You said this was your first relationship. Those are very often hard, and like your next couple of relationships, they are most likely notches on the belt. Congratulations. You just reached LvL 2 in Relationship. Now you need to get new gear and new abillities and find a LvL 2 girlfriend who fits for you. It's going to take a while. But you have all the experience points. You leveled up. Everything went as it had to, and life is about getting smarter through experiences, so it had to almost certainly happen this way.
You cannot act better than what level of understanding you have, and since this is your first relationship you acted the best you could.
What you have control of now is how you want to apply the lessons learned. Everyone spend their entire lives finding their own unique demons. We all have them, in various shapes. You have yours. Fighting them and usurping them is a long process, and only you have the key.
When we talk about "improving yourself" it's not just so you keep your mind busy as you feel the heartbreak (and feeling heartbreak is important) but also so you become better at your next relationship. We will always carry our skeleton in our closet with us. No level of improvement truly makes us ready for the next relationship, but I think most of us would say that there is a certain standard we should strive for before we move on.
It takes a lot of time to get over someone you love. So don't skip steps. Be sad, and accept there are days that suck ass. Remember that you'd be a psychopath if you didn't feel sad over someone you really cared about.
But at the same time you can be happy that you're free and got a lot ahead of you. You know a lot more than before your relationship, so you're enriched. You might sit down and chalk up (write down!) some things you want to do better next time and some things you want to be rid of.
Nothing wrong with being single. You're not attached to her in a divorce or with kids, or with a shared estate or any of that type of stuff.
You can sit back, get a kebab and really just try and refocus on how lucky you are. Making plans are exciting. Reinventing yourself is exciting. How are you going to make all of this better? What are you going to do about your job? How are your going to change your plan of attack? are you going to move? back home with your parents? look for a different sort of jobs in the mean time? Whatever it is, you have to solve it, and now you have the time and the incentive. That's what life is all about. It's going exactly as it has to.
It's much better to feel the sting of a pulling out a arrow in your heart, than let it sit for years as your heart grows dark, and both you and your ex waste your lives being unhappy, talking in circles because none of you have the balls/labia to just man up and acknowledge that the love is dead.
But so many people are afraid of being alone and scared of the heartbreak that they'd stay in poisonous relationships as they wither away. Fuck. That.
Now is the time to read Patrick Rothfuss. Now is the time to eat Peanut Butter. Now is the time to make sure you get some sun. Now is the time to find new great music through Spotify Discover Weekly. Now is the time to play Witcher 3s Expansions! Now is the time to join a gym! Now is the time to just find yourself again. It's hard work, but it's also satisfying. It's a new start. Or it can be. If you use this productively. Be sad. Be tremendously sad when you are. Allow yourself to have days that are just fucking terrible because you suddenly remembered something that reminded you of your ex. It's all part of it.
You can do whatever you want. You can a Hulk Fleshlight. You can go Kayaking. You can learn to cook the meanest fucking risotto. Whatever the hell you decide to do, just remember that we always have to grow to feel more happy. When we stagnate (in my experience) we grow really sad. When we are not evolving or improving we feel that the good lives we have are less so, because we are malleable. Then we appreciate things less and forget how things are. Even when they are bad. It's not the bad shit in your life that makes you unhappy. It's how we decide to (often not) deal with them.
Man... Thanks for this. This is another one of those posts I'm gonna have to come back to and reread when things get bad again.
Also, cool name.