CarpeDeezNutz
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Wut
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There is no "right way" to break up after a long-term relationship, is there?
- Thread starter Sho_Nuff82
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Wut
I guess that's one way to look at it. If anything, she just seems extremely uncomfortable with herself.
AngmarsKing701
Member
Right. But the question is whether they love each other and are willing to communicate to keep it going. It's quite possible that if they talk it out she's going to see the same things OP is seeing. There may be mutual agreement that things are too far gone.
It's tough to pull the plug on 4+ years together without talking about why. It's equally tough to pull the plug, if there's still a chance, without trying to change.
It may be too far gone. But to just say "gtfo" is GAF being GAF.
Tell her how you feel. You've been together this long and she deserves a chance to fight for the relationship if she chooses. She may just be too comfortable. Don't bottle stuff up...communicate or no relationship will work for you. You two could also see a counselor if you have trouble communicating.
Be reserved when you talk to her; try to choose your words carefully. Sometimes you can get emotional in "letting it out" and do more harm than good. Don't tell her that you don't love her or aren't in love with her because she'll never forget those words. Just focus on what would make you happier in the relationship.
Be reserved when you talk to her; try to choose your words carefully. Sometimes you can get emotional in "letting it out" and do more harm than good. Don't tell her that you don't love her or aren't in love with her because she'll never forget those words. Just focus on what would make you happier in the relationship.
I broke off a relationship right before I went on vacation to Alaska. Being in a different locale made the emotional fall-out a lot easier to handle. Felt great once I got back.
FallingEdge
Member
You sound like a person who is trying too hard to impress on the internet.
Northeastmonk
Gold Member
No, doggy style is preferred by A LOT of women. If you're not happy with the sex that's proof it won't last long once the marriage begins.
davepoobond
you can't put a price on sparks
Fuck all those other people, you're not beholden to them to stay in a crappy relationship that has run its course. I know you obviously care about them but how can anyone ask you to get married to a girl you don't love anymore?
Sex is important in a relationship and besides that there are other important aspects that she seems to grind your gears on about so its just not going to get any better. It gets worse.
You have to time it right to leave with like one more month on the lease, financially, I think. You'll have to overlap rent for a little bit and that's the cost of breaking up with someone you live with.
Sex is important in a relationship and besides that there are other important aspects that she seems to grind your gears on about so its just not going to get any better. It gets worse.
You have to time it right to leave with like one more month on the lease, financially, I think. You'll have to overlap rent for a little bit and that's the cost of breaking up with someone you live with.
HappyBivouac
Member
That, and I think he'll find that people are more understanding than he realizes.
Judging from your narrative, it sounds like your mind is made up. If that's the case, there's no point in waiting.
On the other hand, your post indicates that your relationship lacks a fairly substantial amount of communication between you/your SO, which is enough to kill a relationship (if you want). But that doesn't mean that it has to. Knee jerk reaction, sure break up with her. But if you actually care about her, and you imply that she cares about you, then why would you not speak with her about these issues? Yeah, you're gonna have a long, messy, confrontational talk. But guess what, that's gonna happen if you break up with her too. You might as well speak with her about the issues that you've accumulated over time. I guarantee you that she has a list as well...Communicating can easily save this relationship. The things that you've said are by and large minimal - except the sex part. But again, talk with her and tell her that's unacceptable to you. You just need to remember, you will be telling each other uncomfortable things - don't judge and don't take it too personally.
From personal experience, I wasn't so great with communication. It took being on the edge of breaking up before my gf and I had some real honest talks. But since then, everything has been great and when it's not, we talk about it. People can change for certain reasons - being in love with someone is one of them. You need to give each other the opportunity (if you want to).
On the other hand, your post indicates that your relationship lacks a fairly substantial amount of communication between you/your SO, which is enough to kill a relationship (if you want). But that doesn't mean that it has to. Knee jerk reaction, sure break up with her. But if you actually care about her, and you imply that she cares about you, then why would you not speak with her about these issues? Yeah, you're gonna have a long, messy, confrontational talk. But guess what, that's gonna happen if you break up with her too. You might as well speak with her about the issues that you've accumulated over time. I guarantee you that she has a list as well...Communicating can easily save this relationship. The things that you've said are by and large minimal - except the sex part. But again, talk with her and tell her that's unacceptable to you. You just need to remember, you will be telling each other uncomfortable things - don't judge and don't take it too personally.
From personal experience, I wasn't so great with communication. It took being on the edge of breaking up before my gf and I had some real honest talks. But since then, everything has been great and when it's not, we talk about it. People can change for certain reasons - being in love with someone is one of them. You need to give each other the opportunity (if you want to).
This shit isn't cool at all, I wasn't sure but now I am. End it move on, find someone who understands what a relationship is.
Peterthumpa
Member
Like StifflersMum said, there's no right time to end this, she will hate you whenever if you break it on v-day, a day before or a week after it.
I'm more or less in the same situation but for 10 years now. Admittedly, my problems are smaller than yours, but I know the exact feel that you're feeling right now.
Interestingly, it seems that I'm starting to find out the only possible way to get out of this. It may sound harsh but... I'm starting to like another person and this is giving me all the strength that wasn't here before to end this story.
Wrong, I know, but I'm not perfect and I'm trying to seek my happiness. We'll see.
I'm more or less in the same situation but for 10 years now. Admittedly, my problems are smaller than yours, but I know the exact feel that you're feeling right now.
Interestingly, it seems that I'm starting to find out the only possible way to get out of this. It may sound harsh but... I'm starting to like another person and this is giving me all the strength that wasn't here before to end this story.
Wrong, I know, but I'm not perfect and I'm trying to seek my happiness. We'll see.
Arkos
Nose how to spell and rede to
I'm digging this plan. OP, your thoughts?
biggersmaller
Banned
This is actually a brilliant idea. Though I would instead sit at the computer with her, give her context - then you both read what you wrote on GAF together. It will be followed by a heartbreaking discussion, but it will be worth it. Just do it.
With some of the sexual frequency stuff you mentioned, sexual incompatibility is a legit reason to not marry. Yes, frequency will change with really long-term relations (I'm talking decades) - but relationships need to have the foundation that one or the other can candidly expect their needs to be met shame-free. Otherwise, frustration and anger will come through. I learned this with a very long-term relationship before I got married, and am watching another marriage fall apart due to infidelity caused by this issue.
Also, if one of you fear that in all likelihood you won't find anyone as hot again - don't let that effect your decision even if it may be true. I'm not saying appearances don't play into decisions like this, but when it's over in so many other ways such fears shouldn't take control of the internal decisioning process.
golduck342
Member
Sounds like it'll be hard regardless of what you choose. I would try to talk to her and try to say everything you've said in the OP. Like seriously tell her our relationship has issues and start telling her, even if you can't say it all at once, try to tell her over multiple days in a row. Remember, you do have the right to have your demands met in a relationship, don't allow yourself to be a pushover for the sake of keeping her "happy". What she's doing by holding out sex, and shaming you about things is borderline abusive. I would like for you to google "abusive relationship" and see if you fall into any of that. There shouldn't be threats in a relationship, you two should be working together. Some of these issues come up in relationships, the true test is if you can work them out, but it sounds like it would be hard for the both of you guys.
Some things to consider, would you and her be able to find new relationships? Being out of the dating pool for so long might make it really difficult. Would you be alright seeing her with another dude? Would you want to stay friends? You will both suffer from loss, it won't be easy being by yourself for maybe 1 or 2 years, possibly more. Maybe you guys should also consider taking a break from each other for a while and seeing what your feelings are after that.
And you're totally right, a lot of girls love being in a relationship more than they love the actual guy. You are probably being objectified, as a source of happiness, and baby, rather than her caring about you as a person. There is all this talk about sexual objectification of women, but it is a small guise over the ways a man can be objectified.
Some things to consider, would you and her be able to find new relationships? Being out of the dating pool for so long might make it really difficult. Would you be alright seeing her with another dude? Would you want to stay friends? You will both suffer from loss, it won't be easy being by yourself for maybe 1 or 2 years, possibly more. Maybe you guys should also consider taking a break from each other for a while and seeing what your feelings are after that.
And you're totally right, a lot of girls love being in a relationship more than they love the actual guy. You are probably being objectified, as a source of happiness, and baby, rather than her caring about you as a person. There is all this talk about sexual objectification of women, but it is a small guise over the ways a man can be objectified.
EmptySpace
Banned
can't really comment that much since we've only heard your side, which of course presents some bias. hearing from you, she's such a not-so-nice gf, but what if she also says the same terrible things about you?
if you aren't happy then just let it go.
if you aren't happy then just let it go.
RukusProvider
Banned
ShoNuff,
Read your own post as if it was written by someone else.
You listed all the reasons why you can't be with her.
The reasons you did list for going on were about appeasing others.
Relationships don't work like that. In all honesty, you don't even have a relationship. Sorry to be harsh.
Read your own post as if it was written by someone else.
You listed all the reasons why you can't be with her.
The reasons you did list for going on were about appeasing others.
Relationships don't work like that. In all honesty, you don't even have a relationship. Sorry to be harsh.
You don't sound happy. And no, theres no right way. Theres just breaking up, and trying to let eachother heal SEPARATELY, no visiting for lunches or some shit. Just go your separate ways, you'll both be happier in the end. Shes with someone who isn't on the same page as her, and you're unhappy. Sucks, but, it is what it is.
Avoid the trap of breakup/re-up too if you can, only makes it harder. There is stuff about the both of you that you'll miss, but there are better qualities in other people that you're both missing, one of those key qualities is an equal view of the relationship.
Avoid the trap of breakup/re-up too if you can, only makes it harder. There is stuff about the both of you that you'll miss, but there are better qualities in other people that you're both missing, one of those key qualities is an equal view of the relationship.
CrudeDiatribe
Member
Have been there. Used to screw like rabbits when we lived apart and saw each other once a week. Once we moved in together that quickly faded, and it caused problems. We now make an effort to find time to have sex and it's no longer a problem.
There's no point in being in a relationship if you aren't happy. Maybe yours is fixable, maybe it isn't. You need to sit her down and say why you aren't happy without blaming her or it will just turn into an argument.
Do not get married until you're in a relationship that makes you happy.
If/once you decide breaking up is the only outcome, do it sooner rather than later or you'll just be miserable.
Amory
Member
Had to end a 3.5 year relationship a couple years ago. Hardest thing I've ever had to do and it takes a long time to get over, but it's the right thing.
You're not going to wake up one day and say "wow I was so wrong, I totally want to spend the rest of my life with this girl", you're just wasting both her and your own time.
I'd say end it as soon as possible and don't keep it going just because of a stupid fake holiday like valentines day
You're not going to wake up one day and say "wow I was so wrong, I totally want to spend the rest of my life with this girl", you're just wasting both her and your own time.
I'd say end it as soon as possible and don't keep it going just because of a stupid fake holiday like valentines day
Count Dookkake
Member
No doggy?
No Halloween?
No deal.
No Halloween?
No deal.
CarpeDeezNutz
Member
Arkos
Nose how to spell and rede to
I have not heard this term before and it doesn't sound too fun. Is it missionary?
CarpeDeezNutz
Member
You turn a girl around like you are about to go doggystyle but she lays flat on her stomach, try it especially if your girl has a bubble booty it's awesome.
British dudes call it the jockey which I think is more fitting haha.
Arkos
Nose how to spell and rede to
Oh okay. In that case, I actually agree with you lol.
davepoobond
you can't put a price on sparks
That's more appropriately called the "backswing"
Ugh, I feel you on that. My gf doesn't even eat fish so our together meals are almost always pasta or quinoa.
She's not a vegetarian for health or moral reasons so it annoys me every god damn time I think about it
johnny_park
Member
There is a right way, like a band aid, quick and get it over with.
CarpeDeezNutz
Member
Lactose_Intolerant
Member
Listen to the person with the most experience, your grandma. Your mom just secretly wants kids. Old people don't give a fuck anymore.
| Praxis |
Banned
I have been with my wife for twelve years, married for nearly one. I luckily haven't experienced anything like you describe, and quite honestly wouldn't put up with it either. You owe it to her, as well as yourself to end it as soon as possible though. She has a finite time to start a family after all.
Good luck, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, but it must be done.
Good luck, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, but it must be done.
HappyBivouac
Member
Yeah, let her know it's obvious the two of you don't see things the same, nor do you want the same things in life. You're doing both of you a favor by breaking it off, so you can both get on with life and get to what's important to you. She likely won't accept that as an answer (or maybe she will, who knows?), but in time she'll understand.
It's over man. Sorry.
But seriously, just read your own post. What conclusion do you come to after reading all your grievances about the relationship?
Just be honest and do it as soon as possible.
This isn't how relationships work. You fight for a relationship every day you're in it... by giving your all to make the other person happy to the best of your ability. If the current state of OP's relationship is the best his gf is capable of giving, then she needs to be single because she's a terrible gf and, by extension, not a very good human being.
This is the internet, not a hugbox. Helpful and knowledgeable are what I was going for. Positivity is not indicated because OP is not blameless or helpless. He created this situation with his inaction as much as his girlfriend created it with her weapons of guilt and sex-withholding. The first time she said, "Welp you're sleeping on the couch tonight, you schlub," he should have laughed in her face and walked out on her. That was probably 5 or 6 years ago. In the interim, he's being a huge coward and that is not laudable.
There are relationship threads where counseling and further efforts may be indicated. This is not one of them. They want drastically different things out of life--she wants to be a married sex-withholding control freak. OP wants to be in a healthy relationship. Their interests are not aligned, so the relationship cannot continue.
Count Dookkake
Member
This thread is a great reminder to the youngsters to assert what you want, and don't want, early in a relationship. Also, to listen to your new partner, when he/she asserts the same to you.
Never settle.
Never settle.
Rawket Lawnchair
Member
Best to end it ASAP. You said things have gotten worse for the past year, imagine what life will be like in another year if you don't end the relationship in the meantime.
Achtung panzer!
Arkos
Nose how to spell and rede to
Dude, tough stuff. I've felt those feels.
I lived at my long-term girlfriend's best friend's house with her and her husband. It was a huge learning experience for me. Moving in together with someone can be interesting in that you really will learn a lot about the person. From what you described, sounds like you two really need to sit down and hash things out. I'd figure out a good way to handle it, because you'll only feel more and more frustrated as time goes on. You two need to talk about these things.
You guys got a number of various conflicts and for me, getting out of my long term relationship and getting back 'out there' was really great for me. I've been going to music festivals and shows downtown and am having the time of my life now that I don't have something to worry about when I go out.
I'd talk these things through with her ASAP. She might be able to change, and if you want that maybe things can work out. As far as the lease goes, depending on how you do things you or her could move out and have a friend or something move in instead if they won't.
I lived at my long-term girlfriend's best friend's house with her and her husband. It was a huge learning experience for me. Moving in together with someone can be interesting in that you really will learn a lot about the person. From what you described, sounds like you two really need to sit down and hash things out. I'd figure out a good way to handle it, because you'll only feel more and more frustrated as time goes on. You two need to talk about these things.
You guys got a number of various conflicts and for me, getting out of my long term relationship and getting back 'out there' was really great for me. I've been going to music festivals and shows downtown and am having the time of my life now that I don't have something to worry about when I go out.
I'd talk these things through with her ASAP. She might be able to change, and if you want that maybe things can work out. As far as the lease goes, depending on how you do things you or her could move out and have a friend or something move in instead if they won't.
HappyBivouac
Member
Just so you know, .Q., I'm with you. Some of the best advice I've ever received from friends came in the form of "look, dude, you're being stupid..." Helping people wake up to the harsh realities they've gotten themselves into can be the best thing you can do for a person.''
Yeah uh I don't think the OP wants watered-down opinions. Anyway, word of advice: telling people to leave a thread isn't really seen as positive or constructive around here.
Yeah uh I don't think the OP wants watered-down opinions. Anyway, word of advice: telling people to leave a thread isn't really seen as positive or constructive around here.
MrToughPants
Brian Burke punched my mom
This part sounds like my last relationship although we had sex it was completely one sided.
Bail out.
I did the wrong thing and cheated before breaking up, don't be like me.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
We both entered the relationship coming from very different places. She had been a bit of a party girl in college, in her early to mid 20s she was in a string of bad (sometimes abusive) relationships, and after meeting nothing but zeroes in online dating, had more or less resigned herself to being single. I was a nobody in college, got into my first serious relationship right out of school, had a few flings when I started grad school, and had I got out of my last long-term relationship about 3 years before we got together (early 2007). I spent the intertwining years just kind of enjoying my 20s, with only two 3 & 6 month relationships with any emotional investment (both girls broke up with me, but only the 6 month one had any bad blood, and only for a little while). I think a week before my first date with my current gf, I'd hooked up with a 21 year old at a local sorority.
I've actually turned down a number of opportunities for "extracurricular" activities. Both my gf and I are pretty decent looking, so I bet she's had to do the same. I've probably had more, since I have a pretty active social life - I was a bouncer, I was a grad student who worked part time at the gym at my school, I got involved in social planning for postdocs at my current job, and now I do networking events once a month because I'm desperately looking for a new job. So no, the fear about finding someone else isn't holding me back. The fear of her dating other people or bumping into each other constantly doesn't feel all that big either - the only reason she would have for coming into the city if we broke up would be to visit her sister or go to a Red Sox game. None of our circles of friends overlap, except the mutual friend who knows us both, and they aren't that close (I visited her down in ATL back in November while I was in town for a meeting; before she invited me to her wedding, she asked if we were still together).
We probably wouldn't be friends. Acquaintances at best.
This is a venting post so it clearly skews towards the negative, and it's only my perspective. I still think she's a good person, and I'm obviously not perfect. I'm just happy enough with who I am that I don't think I should have to change that much about me to make someone happy.
| Praxis |
Banned
Pretty wild assumption based off a few paragraphs. People are all different you know? It hasn't worked out this time, no, but if she met the right person with similar tastes and social needs then there shouldn't be a problem. Same with the op.
The less outgoing person in a relationship is always labeled "the boring bastard/bitch". I guess it's because it requires less of an understanding. We all have different opinions of what is "fun".
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