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There is no "right way" to break up after a long-term relationship, is there?
- Thread starter Sho_Nuff82
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Foxtastical
Member
Narcissistic personality disorder.
No matter what day, either the day was already going badly, and you made it worse, or it was going well until you ruined it.
CrudeDiatribe
Member
Keep busy. Time will heal things for both of you.
If there was no plan for being together again, and you tried to come up with one, then you did the right thing.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
What about my posts makes you think I suffer from narcissism?
Your situation sounds like mine. On the other hand, I'm yelled at and blamed every day for everything going on in her life that she's unhappy with. It's well past the point where I don't even listen or care what she has to say when she raises her voice. Like True Detective last night, I just get up silently and walk out of the restaurant.
At least you're not married
. Be happy for that.
At least you're not married
like I am
The Albatross
Member
I sympathize greatly with OP. In a similar situation with some things better, some worse. Mostly the worse is that my GF is completely unstable and I don't trust her to act rationally if we broke up. Not that she'd hurt me or our possessions/my possessions, but that she'd hurt herself. It's an incredible burden, and one that I've shared with no one. I haven't shared it with anybody because I feel like sharing it will compel me to have to act, and I don't know if I can go through with it.
entremet
Member
Is she mentally unstable? Has she gotten professional help?
The Albatross
Member
She has professional help and has been on medication for as long as I've known her (anxiety, but the anxiety medication -- for anybody who knows somebody who suffers from anxiety or who has it themselves -- has it's own set of effects, not always making things better... She had an increased dose for ~3 months that basically made her manic depressive / bi-polar 2. Since decreasing, it's been... better I suppose). But, even with that, she doesn't respect her disease or the way it effects others around her... She's missed her last ... 3+ appointments with her psychologist, to the point that it's damaged their relationship and the secretaries there are obviously displeased with her. A few times she's had to have an appointment to re-up her Rx, and she's missed it, and gone haywire (mostly an effect of not having medication), and they've given in and given it to her... as long as she comes to the next one... which again, she misses, 3 months later. She does have a very busy schedule and she uses it as an excuse to never go, which means she then owes them missed appointment fees, which is another excuse ("ie, well now I owe Dr. X $180 and I can't afford that right now because of X,Y,Z!"). She'll end up getting mad at me when I bring these things up, or if she's missed her medication for X days, I used to bring it up.
If you're interested in a worrying look into our relationship, it's not that dissimilar from the Mother:Son relationship in Silver Linings Playbook between the mom and Bradley Cooper, when he's off of his meds. I had to stop watching the movie during the "Wedding Tapes" scene (the one where he accidentally hits his mother in the face) because the conversation patterns and the rate at which everything escalate out of control is basically exactly what happens when her anxiety takes over. mind you, it never ever gets physical between us and that scene is really over the top in the movie, but the conversation patterns and the rate of escalations and the befuddling reaction from the mom (me) are basically identical to real life. That whole movie was difficult for me to watch. Replace "wedding tapes" with "this thing that is complete unimportant," and my GF will be frantic needing to find it, losing control, and in the moments where I don't know that she's having an .. episode .. I may say something like "why do you need this thing right now..?" and it'll turn into a "I need it because it's this thing don't you understand that I need it.. why don't you want me to have it.. what do you have against this thing.. why aren't you helping me.. why are you doing this to me, why do you always do this to me, why are you such a blah blah, why do you think you're better than me, [slamming doors, etc]" slow breakdown into legitimate chaos. 30 minutes later, whether the thing is found or not, it's tears and apologizing and facebook posts about how much she loves me and how she can't believe I put up with her zaneyness, golly gee!
We live together (I own my home, she moved in this summer). I'm very close with her mother. If we were to break up ... I'd have to ... like call her mother and tell her to pick her up or something. I don't even know what I'd do, to be honest. Worst of all, I saw this coming a few months after we started dating... but I think I purposely neglected to own up to it and realize that this is probably not going to be a healthy relationship for one of us (in truth, for both of us). Now I'm ~3 years in and ... well, the pressure is on to move to the next stage. I see 2014 as the year that we either get engaged or the year we break up. I see breaking up as the thing that is best for me, and the thing that is in the long term probably best for her, but I constantly weigh my relative long term unhappiness (one that I can deal with, IMO) versus her "short term" (and by short I'd imagine it would be a year+ of serious fallout) extreme unhappiness, and fragility.
Everything everybody says in here ... Today is better day than yesterday to break up, worse than tomorrow... I recognize these things as all being true. I just don't know if I could go through with it. Honestly, I don't share any of this with anybody because I feel like if I share it, i have to act. I'm good at acting on things in almost every other way in my life... my job, my house, my clients, etc. But, in this way, I don't know what I can do and how I can do it or if I ever could.
I've been in your position Sho Nuff. It's not easy, but if you feel it's what you have to do then don't hesitate. There won't be a right time to break it to her. She will cry and you may cry too. You may fight, you'll probably fight a little in between the crying. Be prepared to move out ASAP, even if you still have to foot half the bill. It's good to get some separation.
In my case I was lucky to be taken off the lease and she could afford the apartment on her own. I just moved in with my parents for a little while, hopefully it's easy for you.
In my case I was lucky to be taken off the lease and she could afford the apartment on her own. I just moved in with my parents for a little while, hopefully it's easy for you.
CarpeDeezNutz
Member
There is like no good time to break up with someone around this time huh? A woman's/man's fb post will either be;
"Broke up with me the day before Valentine's day"
Or
"Broke up with me on Valentine's day"
Or
"Broke up with me after Valentine's day"
Gonna be brutal either way.
"Broke up with me the day before Valentine's day"
Or
"Broke up with me on Valentine's day"
Or
"Broke up with me after Valentine's day"
Gonna be brutal either way.
HappyBivouac
Member
None of that matters in the long run though. People will move on, so whatever.
You could argue you wanted to try one last attempt at making it work for V day, but since it didn't work then, when would it work? So....
Sho_Nuff82
Member
Well I've made up my mind. Now waiting for her to get home. If you guys don't hear from me the rest of the night, I'll probably be single. Or dead.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Noooo, you have to keep us updated on an hourly basis.
The best medicine for a broken heart is sharing with a gaming community.
But yeah, good luck.
Hard stuff. Wouldn't want to be going through that.
To be honest, it sounds like a lot of the problems are rooted in you not really wanting to be in a commited relationship and her reacting really poorly to that.
Sounds like she has been pushing you towards marriage early, you've been resentful of that but have gone along to a point and she is now pushing back hard on that through manipulative means.
I think you probably need to figure out where you are. 4 years is a lot to give up on, so I'm not going to say to throw it out the window.
Have you two tried counseling? It sounds like you need to honestly talk, because it sounds like you've both been not open with each other for a while. Instead of cutting entirely out of the blue like this, you could try counseling which A) Might help you figure stuff out or at the worst B) Make it a bit more obvious to her, her family, etc that it might be coming.
To be honest, it sounds like a lot of the problems are rooted in you not really wanting to be in a commited relationship and her reacting really poorly to that.
Sounds like she has been pushing you towards marriage early, you've been resentful of that but have gone along to a point and she is now pushing back hard on that through manipulative means.
I think you probably need to figure out where you are. 4 years is a lot to give up on, so I'm not going to say to throw it out the window.
Have you two tried counseling? It sounds like you need to honestly talk, because it sounds like you've both been not open with each other for a while. Instead of cutting entirely out of the blue like this, you could try counseling which A) Might help you figure stuff out or at the worst B) Make it a bit more obvious to her, her family, etc that it might be coming.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
Well, it's over. She came home right around 6, and I broke it to her almost immediately. She's pretty broken up about it, no anger, she did want to try and make it work. But I told her it was too late for that.
She's going to stay with her parents in Natick. She's too upset to drive, so they are both coming to pick her up, one to grab her car. She's going to move her stuff out on Saturday, and we'll figure the lease out after that. I'm thinking I should make myself scarce before her parents arrive. They like me a lot and vice versa, and I really don't want to have to deal with this conversation while it's still raw.
Downstairs in our foyer, have to call my parents now and break the bad news.
I feel terrible, but at the same time I feel like a huge weight has lifted off my chest.
She's going to stay with her parents in Natick. She's too upset to drive, so they are both coming to pick her up, one to grab her car. She's going to move her stuff out on Saturday, and we'll figure the lease out after that. I'm thinking I should make myself scarce before her parents arrive. They like me a lot and vice versa, and I really don't want to have to deal with this conversation while it's still raw.
Downstairs in our foyer, have to call my parents now and break the bad news.
I feel terrible, but at the same time I feel like a huge weight has lifted off my chest.
John Kowalski
Banned
Dang. Good to hear that it didn't go worse.
Good luck for the future OP.
Good luck for the future OP.
You did the right thing OP. At the end of the day, your own happiness and well being should be your top priority. Be glad that the conversation went as well as it did. You avoided the chaos and anger that comes with it.
Focus on yourself for now. You're free again. Gotta take advantage of that window while you can. So, adopt a cat, eat plates of tasty bacon, and play hours of video games.
Focus on yourself for now. You're free again. Gotta take advantage of that window while you can. So, adopt a cat, eat plates of tasty bacon, and play hours of video games.
My man!
I think in the long-run, you'll look back on this as a decision that made you appreciate what you want out of life and you'll me immensely happier because of it. Props to your for having the courage to go through with it instead of delaying what would have probably been an inevitability.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
Well, on a scale of 1 to disaster, I think her getting so upset she almost threw up was at least an 8.
There was no profanity exchanged, nothing thrown, no hateful, spiteful comments. Just regret, and confusion on her part. She knew we hadn't been in a good place for a while, and she felt that she had not been trying hard enough to fix it. I just think trying to salvage after this talk would have thrown off the balance of power. No one wants a sycophant. I didn't lay a guilt trip on her, I didn't go through "the list" like I did in the OP, I simply said that I didn't feel that we were on the same page emotionally, physically, or where we wanted to be in our lives.
Thank you everyone for the honest opinions (for or against), I really weighed a lot of them over the past 48 hours. Sometimes a slap to the face from a total stranger is what you need to break you out of a funk.
megamerican
Member
To me that kind of reaction says she was in shock and did not feel the same way about the relationship as you did. I find it kind of surprising that you just straight up ended it, especially after four years and considering there was not a catastrophic turn of events that prompted this.
The withholding sex thing is a legitimate issue, but a lot of your other points seem like they would happen in just about any relationship.
BigEvilTurtle
Banned
Her reaction of shock is... Interesting, to say the least. You'd figure she'd be less shocked if the problems were so obvious. Regardless, good for you OP.
HappyBivouac
Member
They don't even seem to want the same things in life. I wouldn't stick around wasting her time and mine.
Damn, that must have been tough, OP, props to you for going through with it. No use second-guessing yourself about it now, in the long run you'll probably realize it was for the best (for both of you), even though you've already pretty lucidly explained what's driven you to this decision.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
She wasn't shocked. She was like "I know..." when I sat her down and said we had to talk. She was with me all the way up until I said "because of this, we should break up".
megamerican
Member
I agree and I've ended things for much the same reason, but never that long term though. And really I've never had a relationship where the girl didn't want more commitment and I didn't want more freedom. I just sort of figure that dynamic is par for the course for most couples.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
Yeah, she always kind of assumed that I was "stuck with her" (her words, not mine) no matter what our ups and downs were. Her admitting that she hasn't tried her hardest to make things better sealed my decision more than it made me waver.
AngmarsKing701
Member
Very courageous. And you're right: if she was recognizing not working hard on the relationship after just 4+ years, how much worse would it have gotten down the road?
You did a good job. Shit's tough and it will suck for a little because really no one wants to hurt the people we care about. The weight is lifted and the hard part is over, just get through the awkward few days that are to come.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
You did good, and by the sound of things it was a relatively smooth process.
sliceypete
Member
good for you brother, im in a similar situation but imma pussy out and wait till after V-day to break up with my girl. if you ever wanna grab a beer in Boston hit me up, first rounds on me.
OP you're a better man than I am, I don't think I could have given her the news so calmly. Just reading the stuff you went through made me angry at the situation she put you through.
Duracelllll
Member
Imo, you did the right thing. Well done and best of luck to you.
ndawgdrake
Member
Congratulations, Sho. You took a HUGE step in the right direction for yourself. My advice is to keep it amicable and stay in touch. 4 years with someone is a big deal. Don't wanna completely demolish any bridges.
The Albatross
Member
Good work op, you did the rght thing. Stronger man than me
HurricaneJesus
Member
So you told her it is too late to fix things? That seems like a different position to take considering the OP. If you love her, and if she agreed to work with you to fix things, then i think you should have given her the chance. I guess you made your choice, and don't see things ever changing, but if she was willing to try I think you should have.
Just say "Baby, I know things have been hard but I love you and I just want to get in that a little more, ya know? I have needs too and we need to work together baby so lets go back to when we first met and re-live all those great moments when we loved each other and things were great".
Ya, I know I am a bit of a romantic, but it is sad to hear that there was no way to fix things between you two. All you wanted was affection, trust, and respect.
Anyway, I know this is hard for you right now and will probably only get worse for a little while. Hang in there and don't be afraid to love.
Just say "Baby, I know things have been hard but I love you and I just want to get in that a little more, ya know? I have needs too and we need to work together baby so lets go back to when we first met and re-live all those great moments when we loved each other and things were great".
Ya, I know I am a bit of a romantic, but it is sad to hear that there was no way to fix things between you two. All you wanted was affection, trust, and respect.
Anyway, I know this is hard for you right now and will probably only get worse for a little while. Hang in there and don't be afraid to love.
thebigtony
Member
You did the right thing. Now go out and enjoy the city. Or go on a vacation. It's kinda dreary up here now.
And whatever you do, don't get sucked back in.
And whatever you do, don't get sucked back in.
I'd advise against this. Friendships with exes are almost never a good thing.
The Maverick
Member
Man, I have mad respect for OP. Breaking up a relationship that deep must be very difficult.
1. When I read long distance relationship, kind of alarmed me.
2. Read she was using sex as a weapon, red alert.
3. Incompatibility with friends and common interests sealed it.
I think you'll be better off in the long run for your decision.
1. When I read long distance relationship, kind of alarmed me.
2. Read she was using sex as a weapon, red alert.
3. Incompatibility with friends and common interests sealed it.
I think you'll be better off in the long run for your decision.
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