EDIT: Goddamn this turned out way longer than expected. There's a tl;dr at the end, but I'd say otherwise if you really feel like reading this while listening to sappy 90s songs, go for it. I've had "Save Tonight" on repeat as of late.
I dunno what I'm looking for here, genuine advice, a sympathetic pat on the back, a kick in the sack...it's just really confusing, and honestly downright scary, but I'm at a bit of a loss.
Me: 22 year old male. University graduate. Currently attending college. Not a virgin, had one girlfriend that lasted a month (unrelated). Not as socially retarded as I was before when it comes to women, but still infrequent outbursts.
Backstory: I met this girl, we'll call her Cayla, first year of University. To be honest I was crushing on her hard as soon as we met. Unfortunately for me, that was a one way street. I did my best to bury it in my mind, and even when she got a boyfriend later, I was mostly successful...until she mentioned after a double movie feature one night, "If I wasn't dating [him], I would totally go on a date with you." Which, in my mind, understandably broke the Hoover Dam I built, and for the next couple years I could not stop thinking about her.
Here's where it shifts into high gear:
November (2013): She breaks up with her boyfriend of four years. Understandably, she's upset. I am there for her only as a friend. I visit her to cheer her up. In the back of my mind a faint glimmer of hope, but even then I would never dare impose myself on her.
December: We're both drunk at a Christmas party. At some point she's telling me and other friends about how she met up with a guy, started seeing and sleeping with him casually. A flare of rage suddenly comes to me, but I suppress it quickly enough. "It's her life. She can do what she wants. I am not a part of it." I think to myself. Afterwards I go back to her house and crash on her futon. I sit down, pull her down to sit next to me, and we just do a weird side hug for a bit.
Her: "Brofield, you're one of my best friends. And I know it's not what you want to hear-"
Me: "No, I know Cayla. I have to learn to accept that. And I will. Just give it time."
She gets up and offers to get me a glass of water. In my drunken stupor I get up to follow her, but she's already back in the same room as me. She sets down the glass and we then hug again standing for a good ten minutes.
"It's not as though I don't like you, I'm just scared I might lose you as a friend."
I say we can talk about this later, and obviously she's still getting over her ex, we definitely don't have to do or say anything right now.
Next morning I go home, a few days later she texts me asking if we should talk. I say I want to as well, but only in person. She agrees.
January: Waking up after a New Year's party, she decides to make sure I'm really awake by jumping on top of me and straddling me before falling down and hugging me. She tells me to scooch over and let her snuggle under the sheets with me, and then proceeds to tell me breakfast will be ready shortly. Afterwards, I'm driving her home. We decide 45 minuntes in a car alone is as good as ever to talk. I tell her how I've had a crush on her for five years now and counting, and how despite every other girl I may have liked or talked to, it always came back to her. Cayla says that she can't deny she's felt something for me to, but obviously not as strongly since she was dating someone else. We talked about how to date now would simply be catastrophic, and the implications of "what if" we broke up and effectively separated our friend group (because we are that closeknit; both blessing and curse). At the same time, the idea of after she got over her ex, and we both found ourselves single, we should give it a shot; avoid awkward first dates, just boyfriend and girlfriend from the get go. But we agreed I would not wait for her; that I would not pass up the One for me just because I might have a shot for Cayla. I dropped her off at home, we said we were still cool, all was well.
Later in the month, we join our University for a ski trip up north. I drive just the two of us, and we're talking about this and that. At some point it turns into sex talk. I'm a little awkward about it at first, but it seems to start to flow naturally as well as any other conversation. We get up to the chalet at night, meet up with our friends sharing the room with us. The slopes are closed, so I pull out my laptop to watch YouTube and Netflix. At one point she decides to sit on my lap. We goof around a little, inbetween me tickling her and giving her a light shoulder massage. I don't think much of it at first, but over the next few nights I get a few drinks in me. Knowing I could say something stupid to her, I try and seek out other friends. At first for a good time to distract my mind, but later asking for advice on what to do about Cayla. After the weekend the drive home is a cool silence. We still talked, but not as much as before. Mostly listened to the radio.
February: She hosts a party at her house, it's a good time. Says I should go out on a date with one of her friends. I smile and make up some bullshit excuse. In the morning, I help clean up after, and for some reason I feel an urge inside me to leave, but I stick around until noon, just sitting down and sharing the couch with her as she recovers from her hangover. Sometime during that I decide just placing my hand on her knee, casually rubbing it. She looks up and asks me what I'm doing. I'm not sure either, so I try and play it off as a joke and say I don't know what I'm doing either. I leave not long after, hug goodbye, and overthink every weird thing I've said and done in her presence since November, wondering if I'm overstepping boundaries.
We go see a concert on a weekend near my new college, and it was fun. We stop for dinner on the way out. She's telling me stories of this guy she's casually seeing. How one time she almost killed him by accident, when she was doing yoga in his apartment one morning in only her underwear, and he comes up behind to smack her on the ass, so she turns around and kicks him, not expecting him to fall down the stairs. A pang in my stomach let me wish I was the one who got to smack her on the ass. Not even in a sexual way, just a "We're comfortable with each other" kind of way. After the concert, we were joking though how old we were getting when we were ready to go to bed by 10. Afterwards, I let her sleep in my bed, and I unfolded a couple sleeping bags for myself on the floor. She asked if I had any long shirts for her to wear, and she joked if her not wearing pants would provoke me into a lustful rage. I joked back saying I tend to keep it in my pants, that I'm not the rape-y type. That night was a very fitful sleep. Woke up every couple of hours. Started thinking and overthinking about her. When we both woke up I told her to shift so I could sleep on the bed with her, and we both just lied there, talking about whatever, but still groggy from just waking up. I take her home again, and tell her we'll meet up at a friend's birthday party that same night. I meet her again, and we're talking again, about music this time. I show surprise when she tells me she listens to Springsteen, and then she lists off a whole bunch of bands we have in common. Making me feel like an idiot, and suddenly a little quote popping in my head: "Couples who share music tastes are better able to communicate". I sort of retreat inside myself for the next 30 seconds of car ride. Party is good, but I have to go to another one that same night in the city. She asks if she can join me, I say sure. The car ride is unusally quiet, and just before we pass her house she says she's actually feeling pretty tired, so I take her home quick before heading on to the bar.
March (2014): She messages me on facebook, saying that she "wants to talk about stuff, like feelings and things. So next time you're in the city let me know". I start panicking, flipping between "maybe she finally realized feelings for me and we'll be happy forever" to "she hates me entirely and I'm going to die alone and depressed in a ditch and no one will mourn my death not then not now not ever" (this also came at a time when I learned I failed two courses in school, hence the drama). I started seeing a counselor at school, and I came to realize that this 'crush' I've had on her for five years is obviously something more, but if it's unrequited it's only toxic to my mindset. I firmly resolve that this obviously can't work out, that I need to eliminate these feelings for her entirely. I figure that I have to take a break from our friendship. I ask her one night if we really can talk soon, it's important to me. She says we'll meet up this weekend.
We meet up at a diner for brunch last Sunday. She can't stay long, but that's okay. We make small talk for half an hour, all about Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, all that fun stuff. Then she finally asks "what's on your mind?" I tell her that over the past couple of months, I've realized my feelings for her have only grown stronger. I can't keep my promise anymore that I won't wait for her, and that's not fair to her or me, so I say I need to take a hiatus of friendship to sort myself out. She looks at her food, and just says "Oh...". Responds to a few texts with the guy she's casually seeing. Asks if I'm okay with getting that off my chest, I say no, of course not. I ask her in turn what she wanted to talk to me about. She says the point is moot now, but that my gestures and things I've said were making her uncomfortable, like I was trying to force something to happen, and that she wanted me to stop. I just looked back to my own food. She then starts laughing to herself, and I ask her what's funny. She says, "Oh, it's just that we'll never be friends again. We're never going to talk or see each other again. It's happened before." I say that's not going to be the case, but she doesn't believe me. At one point I see her shake a little out of the corner of my eye; out of rage or about to cry, I have no idea. I pay the bill as we leave, saying I don't want her half of the money. She doesn't argue. We go to the subway, and as we're about to take two different directions, we stand there. I'm trying to think of something to say to end the awkward silence, but nothing comes to mind. She turns to me and says "Fuck it, come here." We have one last hug. After we end the embrace she smiles and says "I hope you know I'm so angry with you right now I want to kick you in the nuts." I give a sad smile and tell her no more so than I. We go our separate ways.
I talk to one of my best friends about what happened; apparently she texted him after saying I would need a friend. I give him the lowdown, and he suggests I send a single text detailing that this will not be the end of our friendship. I do so, telling her that this is so that we don't have to keep revisiting this issue every damn time, so we can both get on with our lives (in much better words than that; i know this post is getting incredibly verbose).
Now: Posting on GAF, going to bed each night since with at least a Guinness and a half in my system, craving cigars. Getting catfished on Tinder, not giving a fuck, still getting laid. Occasionally creeping her facebook and instagram. She hasn't deleted me off either, and I don't intend to do the same. That would only make her feel like we really weren't going to be friends again.
QUESTION OF THE HOUR
Did I do the right thing, GAF? Obviously I like her, I still do, God knows this crush is more than that at this point (but I won't ever admit it verbally or written or otherwise), but do you think this will work, cutting off all communication with her? She's truly amazing, I owe her so much, and I don't want to lose her as a friend either. And I understand why she's upset, and she's free to be angry with me, but I'm the one stressing if this is the right decision. I don't know if it'll be a few months, or even years. It's just...fuck, man...
tl;dr I liked a girl so much I have to stop being friends with her so I can stop liking her. What do you think? (outside of me being a little bitch)
I dunno what I'm looking for here, genuine advice, a sympathetic pat on the back, a kick in the sack...it's just really confusing, and honestly downright scary, but I'm at a bit of a loss.
Me: 22 year old male. University graduate. Currently attending college. Not a virgin, had one girlfriend that lasted a month (unrelated). Not as socially retarded as I was before when it comes to women, but still infrequent outbursts.
Backstory: I met this girl, we'll call her Cayla, first year of University. To be honest I was crushing on her hard as soon as we met. Unfortunately for me, that was a one way street. I did my best to bury it in my mind, and even when she got a boyfriend later, I was mostly successful...until she mentioned after a double movie feature one night, "If I wasn't dating [him], I would totally go on a date with you." Which, in my mind, understandably broke the Hoover Dam I built, and for the next couple years I could not stop thinking about her.
Here's where it shifts into high gear:
November (2013): She breaks up with her boyfriend of four years. Understandably, she's upset. I am there for her only as a friend. I visit her to cheer her up. In the back of my mind a faint glimmer of hope, but even then I would never dare impose myself on her.
December: We're both drunk at a Christmas party. At some point she's telling me and other friends about how she met up with a guy, started seeing and sleeping with him casually. A flare of rage suddenly comes to me, but I suppress it quickly enough. "It's her life. She can do what she wants. I am not a part of it." I think to myself. Afterwards I go back to her house and crash on her futon. I sit down, pull her down to sit next to me, and we just do a weird side hug for a bit.
Her: "Brofield, you're one of my best friends. And I know it's not what you want to hear-"
Me: "No, I know Cayla. I have to learn to accept that. And I will. Just give it time."
She gets up and offers to get me a glass of water. In my drunken stupor I get up to follow her, but she's already back in the same room as me. She sets down the glass and we then hug again standing for a good ten minutes.
"It's not as though I don't like you, I'm just scared I might lose you as a friend."
I say we can talk about this later, and obviously she's still getting over her ex, we definitely don't have to do or say anything right now.
Next morning I go home, a few days later she texts me asking if we should talk. I say I want to as well, but only in person. She agrees.
January: Waking up after a New Year's party, she decides to make sure I'm really awake by jumping on top of me and straddling me before falling down and hugging me. She tells me to scooch over and let her snuggle under the sheets with me, and then proceeds to tell me breakfast will be ready shortly. Afterwards, I'm driving her home. We decide 45 minuntes in a car alone is as good as ever to talk. I tell her how I've had a crush on her for five years now and counting, and how despite every other girl I may have liked or talked to, it always came back to her. Cayla says that she can't deny she's felt something for me to, but obviously not as strongly since she was dating someone else. We talked about how to date now would simply be catastrophic, and the implications of "what if" we broke up and effectively separated our friend group (because we are that closeknit; both blessing and curse). At the same time, the idea of after she got over her ex, and we both found ourselves single, we should give it a shot; avoid awkward first dates, just boyfriend and girlfriend from the get go. But we agreed I would not wait for her; that I would not pass up the One for me just because I might have a shot for Cayla. I dropped her off at home, we said we were still cool, all was well.
Later in the month, we join our University for a ski trip up north. I drive just the two of us, and we're talking about this and that. At some point it turns into sex talk. I'm a little awkward about it at first, but it seems to start to flow naturally as well as any other conversation. We get up to the chalet at night, meet up with our friends sharing the room with us. The slopes are closed, so I pull out my laptop to watch YouTube and Netflix. At one point she decides to sit on my lap. We goof around a little, inbetween me tickling her and giving her a light shoulder massage. I don't think much of it at first, but over the next few nights I get a few drinks in me. Knowing I could say something stupid to her, I try and seek out other friends. At first for a good time to distract my mind, but later asking for advice on what to do about Cayla. After the weekend the drive home is a cool silence. We still talked, but not as much as before. Mostly listened to the radio.
February: She hosts a party at her house, it's a good time. Says I should go out on a date with one of her friends. I smile and make up some bullshit excuse. In the morning, I help clean up after, and for some reason I feel an urge inside me to leave, but I stick around until noon, just sitting down and sharing the couch with her as she recovers from her hangover. Sometime during that I decide just placing my hand on her knee, casually rubbing it. She looks up and asks me what I'm doing. I'm not sure either, so I try and play it off as a joke and say I don't know what I'm doing either. I leave not long after, hug goodbye, and overthink every weird thing I've said and done in her presence since November, wondering if I'm overstepping boundaries.
We go see a concert on a weekend near my new college, and it was fun. We stop for dinner on the way out. She's telling me stories of this guy she's casually seeing. How one time she almost killed him by accident, when she was doing yoga in his apartment one morning in only her underwear, and he comes up behind to smack her on the ass, so she turns around and kicks him, not expecting him to fall down the stairs. A pang in my stomach let me wish I was the one who got to smack her on the ass. Not even in a sexual way, just a "We're comfortable with each other" kind of way. After the concert, we were joking though how old we were getting when we were ready to go to bed by 10. Afterwards, I let her sleep in my bed, and I unfolded a couple sleeping bags for myself on the floor. She asked if I had any long shirts for her to wear, and she joked if her not wearing pants would provoke me into a lustful rage. I joked back saying I tend to keep it in my pants, that I'm not the rape-y type. That night was a very fitful sleep. Woke up every couple of hours. Started thinking and overthinking about her. When we both woke up I told her to shift so I could sleep on the bed with her, and we both just lied there, talking about whatever, but still groggy from just waking up. I take her home again, and tell her we'll meet up at a friend's birthday party that same night. I meet her again, and we're talking again, about music this time. I show surprise when she tells me she listens to Springsteen, and then she lists off a whole bunch of bands we have in common. Making me feel like an idiot, and suddenly a little quote popping in my head: "Couples who share music tastes are better able to communicate". I sort of retreat inside myself for the next 30 seconds of car ride. Party is good, but I have to go to another one that same night in the city. She asks if she can join me, I say sure. The car ride is unusally quiet, and just before we pass her house she says she's actually feeling pretty tired, so I take her home quick before heading on to the bar.
March (2014): She messages me on facebook, saying that she "wants to talk about stuff, like feelings and things. So next time you're in the city let me know". I start panicking, flipping between "maybe she finally realized feelings for me and we'll be happy forever" to "she hates me entirely and I'm going to die alone and depressed in a ditch and no one will mourn my death not then not now not ever" (this also came at a time when I learned I failed two courses in school, hence the drama). I started seeing a counselor at school, and I came to realize that this 'crush' I've had on her for five years is obviously something more, but if it's unrequited it's only toxic to my mindset. I firmly resolve that this obviously can't work out, that I need to eliminate these feelings for her entirely. I figure that I have to take a break from our friendship. I ask her one night if we really can talk soon, it's important to me. She says we'll meet up this weekend.
We meet up at a diner for brunch last Sunday. She can't stay long, but that's okay. We make small talk for half an hour, all about Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, all that fun stuff. Then she finally asks "what's on your mind?" I tell her that over the past couple of months, I've realized my feelings for her have only grown stronger. I can't keep my promise anymore that I won't wait for her, and that's not fair to her or me, so I say I need to take a hiatus of friendship to sort myself out. She looks at her food, and just says "Oh...". Responds to a few texts with the guy she's casually seeing. Asks if I'm okay with getting that off my chest, I say no, of course not. I ask her in turn what she wanted to talk to me about. She says the point is moot now, but that my gestures and things I've said were making her uncomfortable, like I was trying to force something to happen, and that she wanted me to stop. I just looked back to my own food. She then starts laughing to herself, and I ask her what's funny. She says, "Oh, it's just that we'll never be friends again. We're never going to talk or see each other again. It's happened before." I say that's not going to be the case, but she doesn't believe me. At one point I see her shake a little out of the corner of my eye; out of rage or about to cry, I have no idea. I pay the bill as we leave, saying I don't want her half of the money. She doesn't argue. We go to the subway, and as we're about to take two different directions, we stand there. I'm trying to think of something to say to end the awkward silence, but nothing comes to mind. She turns to me and says "Fuck it, come here." We have one last hug. After we end the embrace she smiles and says "I hope you know I'm so angry with you right now I want to kick you in the nuts." I give a sad smile and tell her no more so than I. We go our separate ways.
I talk to one of my best friends about what happened; apparently she texted him after saying I would need a friend. I give him the lowdown, and he suggests I send a single text detailing that this will not be the end of our friendship. I do so, telling her that this is so that we don't have to keep revisiting this issue every damn time, so we can both get on with our lives (in much better words than that; i know this post is getting incredibly verbose).
Now: Posting on GAF, going to bed each night since with at least a Guinness and a half in my system, craving cigars. Getting catfished on Tinder, not giving a fuck, still getting laid. Occasionally creeping her facebook and instagram. She hasn't deleted me off either, and I don't intend to do the same. That would only make her feel like we really weren't going to be friends again.
QUESTION OF THE HOUR
Did I do the right thing, GAF? Obviously I like her, I still do, God knows this crush is more than that at this point (but I won't ever admit it verbally or written or otherwise), but do you think this will work, cutting off all communication with her? She's truly amazing, I owe her so much, and I don't want to lose her as a friend either. And I understand why she's upset, and she's free to be angry with me, but I'm the one stressing if this is the right decision. I don't know if it'll be a few months, or even years. It's just...fuck, man...
tl;dr I liked a girl so much I have to stop being friends with her so I can stop liking her. What do you think? (outside of me being a little bitch)
