Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
This is garbage. She isn't playing naive or oblivious as much as the guy is clearly playing naive and oblivious to how much she doesn't actually want him.
-
Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
Did I do the right thing, taking a break from friendship?
- Thread starter Brofield
- Start date
- Status
andthebeatgoeson
Junior Member
I like this but only because you condensed 5 years into 5 minutes. Can't change the past. And fuck it, love is worth it. Yes, you didn't get the love but sometimes, the alternative is a bullshit way of denying yourself the pain and pleasure of love. You got most of the pain but you know you'll stick it out next time for the girl who is worth it.
Most here would have told you to leave day 2. How would you ever grow. I don't know if you needed 5 years of growth but fuck it.
Most here would have told you to leave day 2. How would you ever grow. I don't know if you needed 5 years of growth but fuck it.
Zoe
Member
She was sending mixed signals. I don't know any girls who would straddle, hop into the lap of, snuggle in bed with, or make direct sexual jokes to a guy who has open feelings towards her.
UltimaPooh
Member
Holy crap.
Break it off like since November dude.
I know it sucks and things are terrible she left an impression on you that you can't shake. It goes away and you'll probably always be DTF with her in the future but the best thing is to stop being friends with her.
You also put her on a pedestal which created more problems... She's human she's capable of having tons of faults and you over looked those because you thought some slim chance would get you in there. You also ignored her statements of not being interested in you. That is your share of the blame.
She craves attention. That's why she's creating all this drama between you two probably because the casual guy wont have any of it so she needs to get her emotional fuck a-thon done with you because you will react and you will be the one to concede or be the one to jump up and take care of her. Why do you think she contacted you to talk about feelings and then let you talk first? Because she really didn't feel that way for you she wanted your support, she wanted you to make her feel good about herself.
And you do all of this because essentially you're a good guy but you need to drop her and drop her fast. You've spent too much time thinking about ways to get her to like you and the truth is you can't do anything, that's something she will decide.
Break it off like since November dude.
I know it sucks and things are terrible she left an impression on you that you can't shake. It goes away and you'll probably always be DTF with her in the future but the best thing is to stop being friends with her.
You also put her on a pedestal which created more problems... She's human she's capable of having tons of faults and you over looked those because you thought some slim chance would get you in there. You also ignored her statements of not being interested in you. That is your share of the blame.
She craves attention. That's why she's creating all this drama between you two probably because the casual guy wont have any of it so she needs to get her emotional fuck a-thon done with you because you will react and you will be the one to concede or be the one to jump up and take care of her. Why do you think she contacted you to talk about feelings and then let you talk first? Because she really didn't feel that way for you she wanted your support, she wanted you to make her feel good about herself.
And you do all of this because essentially you're a good guy but you need to drop her and drop her fast. You've spent too much time thinking about ways to get her to like you and the truth is you can't do anything, that's something she will decide.
Bob Dobalina
Member
hydragonwarrior
Member
Ah the joys of being 22 again.
Not just that, most of GAF has been in this situation before, and no one wants to admit it because they want to suppress the time they feel they've wasted.
The fact that you wrote so much about her means you are making the right choice of giving yourself air between you and her. Your feelings between being a friend and more than that got confused pretty much on the first year, as you always held the secret hope of more.
Glad that you have the ability to date on the side, so focus more on that. Imo once you find you have wiped out, in your own way, any desire or need to "be" with her as a boyfriend, and find there's still a lot of value to her being as a friend, you'll both find each other to be a more valuable *friend*. Best way is to find another girl that you connect with and likes you in return.
You can be friends again, but probably in the future. I say this because you still got memories and hours of your lives spent together and that at least counts as something, as it does for any friendship - guy or girl - you've had and will have.
Not just that, most of GAF has been in this situation before, and no one wants to admit it because they want to suppress the time they feel they've wasted.
The fact that you wrote so much about her means you are making the right choice of giving yourself air between you and her. Your feelings between being a friend and more than that got confused pretty much on the first year, as you always held the secret hope of more.
Glad that you have the ability to date on the side, so focus more on that. Imo once you find you have wiped out, in your own way, any desire or need to "be" with her as a boyfriend, and find there's still a lot of value to her being as a friend, you'll both find each other to be a more valuable *friend*. Best way is to find another girl that you connect with and likes you in return.
You can be friends again, but probably in the future. I say this because you still got memories and hours of your lives spent together and that at least counts as something, as it does for any friendship - guy or girl - you've had and will have.
The projection is strong.
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
Turn this around. He was insensitive to her feelings, too.
Kano on the Phone
Member
She probably hoped he was emotionally mature enough to understand that the two of them not dating meant they weren't dating and probably hoped that her "friend" was into her as a person and not as an object of fixation. Sexual jokes and meaningless touching isn't weird at all in a friendship between people of the opposite sex.
It takes some serious mental gymnastics for making a woman the antagonist for just not having feelings for someone. This woman that never so much as agreed to go on a date with him didn't hold him hostage.
Zoe
Member
How could he have known what her feelings were with those physical acts?
I wouldn't call touching of that nature "meaningless".
Devolution
Member
You're right. As a result, they should both stop speaking to each other.
Hanging around and having that tiniest bit of hope that comes with still interacting with her is the single most brutal and unproductive thing you can do to yourself. You gotta cut ties, feel terrible for a while, and then look back and see you did the right thing.
I went through this before, removing her is undoubtedly the best thing you can do for yourself.
I went through this before, removing her is undoubtedly the best thing you can do for yourself.
Zoe
Member
So you would continue to physically flirt with someone who had already confessed his feelings?
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
None of my female friends would ever straddle me in bed. Plenty of blame to go around here I'd say.
I dunno... maybe because of their past together and things she's said?
It's not out of the normal for people to hit on their friends just for the hell of it. If a friend does that, it usually just means they're comfortable with you and believe you know them even when things get weird.
My friends hit on me and vice versa. No big deal unless you make it one.
Kano on the Phone
Member
depths20XX
Member
Why are people trying to place blame on one person or the other? It's pretty obvious both parties were acting shitty in this situation.
Devolution
Member
This.
Flying Toaster
Member
While I would agree with this, the situation is murky because she kept sending out mixed signals. One in which she said she could have dated him instead of her previous boyfriend, and another where she was straddling him and snuggling with him. To many that is overtly physical and usually not within the bounds of normal social behavior.
I had a friend once that was overtly sexually all over me but always stopping it just in time. She was an amazing friend and in the beginning I was freaking gaga over her. The less interest I showed in her the more she tried. It was a sadistic and stupid emotional and physical torture session over mixed signals. I got over her, and when I started dating someone she decided to remove herself from the situation.
After initially rejecting them afterwards and believing they accept the rejection, yes. It's kinda naive, but friendship usually involves trust just like other relationships and lots of people want to believe they're free to be flirty/silly/or even express anger and still be accepted by loved ones because that loved one will still know who they really are no matter what they do.
Except under some circumstances but that's another topic.
Edit: Personally, I wouldn't hit on someone who had feelings for me unless they told me it was okay, after that point, I'm relentless. But some people will still flirt even after the dramatic confession for their own reasons. Some will continue to prevent things from getting awkward between them -- the whole "see everything is fine, we're still friends, nothing's changed".
Flying Toaster
Member
This is a very important thing that has to be pointed out again. Did the OP ever put down boundaries? If so were they clear or muddled?
Kano on the Phone
Member
Maybe she wanted a friends with benefits fuck and he messed it up.
He was powerless. Bound and gagged. He was incapable of getting away from this lousy, manipulative broad from the sound of it.
But she knows how he feels about her.
Flying Toaster
Member
Now I feel retarded. I never even thought of that angle. This could be true possibly, most of these situations hardly happen and when they do if you don't pick up on the signals immediately it really screws up the dynamic of the friendship.
I have known very few situations in which a friends with benefits fuck ever stayed just that. Usually one of the people in said situation develops emotional attachment and goes full retard after the situation that it makes a huge mess.
Kano on the Phone
Member
And didn't do shit about it. And he stayed under the false guise of a friendship he had no intention of ever having. It's not my job to walk on eggshells around someone if they have feelings for me and I don't have them in return, they can leave if it's too hard for them. If they opt to stay, they're choosing a friendship and I'm going to treat them like my other friends and they can still leave whenever they want to. The point everyone seems to be willfully ignoring is that OP didn't want a friendship, he wanted a relationship, so his entire presence in this girl's life was under false pretenses.
OP lied and was selfish. He isn't a victim.
We never did discuss boundaries, which I believe was the issue. She said that she wanted me to stop making unwanted gestures, and I was only half aware of them (more spring to mind as time passes; makes me wish I never even shook hands with her in September of 2009). My choosing to do this stemmed from the idea that we should not have to have a discussion about it, nor should she be the one to keep bringing it up against me because it could only end a lot worse than it does now. I'm the one choosing amputation over her band-aid
I'll clear this one up, too. Did it start that way? Yes, I will admit that. I was fresh out of high school, still wearing fedoras, still believing that girls only every wanted the asshole to date.
But thanks to a post-secondary education and an actual discussion on the subject of feminism beyond 4chan, I grew up. There was a time, brief it may have been, where I did consider this a purely platonic friendship. But I guess that illusion was bound to shatter eventually when she said those words to me. I can say with near certainty that was the tipping point, that she would go out with me if she wasn't dating that other guy.
At which point, my proper response was "Well, I would never choose to come between you two." Hell, when they were first on the rocks I was the one giving her relationship advice when she was crying in my car because I was really wanting her relationship to work out.
Unless of course this is all a lie and my subconscious was deliberately sabotaging me?
Regardless, I do honestly feel better about cutting this off. If it must be permanent, I accept that, but for now I'll live under the assumption that one day we can come back to this, start a fresh friendship that starts and remains platonic. If that must not be for a few years, then I understand. I am the only one who can make that call, and I know I have to do it with utmost objectivity.
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
I'm legit friends with seriously hot people I've dated before. It takes at least a half year off from any contact at all before you just stop caring about that side of the connection. Then it's great. I guess the only catch is you have to be doing way better at life than you were before so you can look down on them a bit instead of putting them on a pedestal, if that makes sense.
Most of us make this mistake and learn from it. You're doing well.
saltinekracka
Member
The sooner you realize you can never be friends, the better off you'll be.
Kadayi
Banned
^ So much this.
In life it's important to recognise the limitations of our being. If some one isn't attracted to you early on, then it's extremely unlikely that they are going to radically rethink their world view down the road.
There are 7 billion people on the planet, a good 50% of whom are female, and more than likely a fair few whom if you put the time and effort into looking for are undoubtedly a good fit for you (and vise versa).
Zen_Arcade
Banned
He's both. And not straddling people and not getting into tickle fights is not "Walking on eggshells." It's possible for two people to act shitty to each other at the same time with different reasonings. That seems like what happened here.
Kano on the Phone
Member
But you were never actually in that headspace. You weren't ok with never dating her, you were ok with waiting to date her. Those are very different places.
Except it isn't. He stayed in the friendship and got treated like a friend. Maybe your opposite gender friends are boring, but mine say and do some fucked up, intimate things to me and likewise. Why? Because we aren't sitting there wringing our hands and writing up lists of "can't do's" because one of us might suddenly fall in love. The understanding within platonic friends is that it's platonic, and if you're in a place where you can't control yourself around someone who's attractive, don't be friends with them. There's an inimacy in friendship that you have to be able to handle as an adult.
Dude Abides
Banned
At least it's finally over. You wanted different things, simple as that. Neither of you really has a right to be angry at the other. You're not likely to be friends though. Just cut her out of your life.
Barrage
Member
Dude...she tried to hook you up with her friend. She told you about numerous guys she was fucking. She texted other dudes in front of you. She had the "Let's just be friends" speech with you multiple times.
You ignored all this, and focused on ticklefights.
She gave you the answer, you didn't wanna see it. Let it go. you're getting 60% of what you want out of this friendship.
You ignored all this, and focused on ticklefights.
She gave you the answer, you didn't wanna see it. Let it go. you're getting 60% of what you want out of this friendship.
Booya_base
Member
Just wanted to reply to tell you there are success stories in these cases after all as a somewhat similar thing happened to me but for eighteen months (even I think 5 years is pretty crazy) but one day out of the blue, the girl just said "lets go for it" and we had the most mindblowing relationship I've ever been in. As you said, the ability to just go straight to 100 without all the dating and getting to know each other was phenomenal, best time of my life.
Sadly, since it was so full on all the time, eventually we burned out and broke up. Can't imagine another relationship like it, but remember even if it goes exactly as you'd hoped and you 'get the girl' reality sets in and people can change so in your case you could easily spend less time in the relationship than you have spent chasing it and in my case it's been very difficult to remain friends, it may turn out to be impossible.
Sadly, since it was so full on all the time, eventually we burned out and broke up. Can't imagine another relationship like it, but remember even if it goes exactly as you'd hoped and you 'get the girl' reality sets in and people can change so in your case you could easily spend less time in the relationship than you have spent chasing it and in my case it's been very difficult to remain friends, it may turn out to be impossible.
Cow Mengde
Banned
Yeah, I completely forgot about this. If you accepted, you would have easily avoided all of this crap. Plus, you'd have a girlfriend (maybe) now.
Mammoth Jones
Member
Real talk. She probably seeing if dude would make a move. And when he didn't she was like "forget this" and emotionally moved on.
Look out, we got some internet nice guys over here lol
- Status
Similar threads
- Locked
- Locked