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[SRG01]

Cook nailed it earlier. If you can't be honest with your intentions, then you reap what you sow.

There's nothing wrong with liking someone, but that does not excuse duplicity and bad behavior.

 

[Brofield]

Okay, there's a lot here. A few things...

sage advice

Hindsight is always 20/20. To be fair, though

-I don't think she's your friend at all. For one, all of the interactions you mentioned involved you attempting to do something sexually or relationship-y, but failing because of your own uncertainty.

Those were the ones I mentioned as simply having the most relevancy to all this...whatever it is.

I don't learn easy, lord knows I try, but yeah. I'm trying new things, doing my damnedest to meet new people, but hell if I can't find someone who actually removes her from my mind completely.

___

Another thing I want to address is friendzone: If I like a girl, and she says she only wants to be friends, I tend to think of that as "hey, we can still be friends, that's not so bad". This girl has been the only exception to fuck with my head this much. Every other time this has happened (which is far more than I care to admit), has had next to no problems.

I've also been told I'm probably more in love with the idea of Cayla, rather than actually really, really liking Cayla. Initial senses say no, but I'm starting to give that idea legitimate thought.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

You waited WAAAAAY too long to go for it, mate. Fuck being her friend with a faint glimmer of home it naturally blossoms into something more.

If she's worth it, tell her she's worth it. If you care, tell her and go for it. She sounds like she's worth the risk. You were going to lose the friendship regardless. Shit, the way I see it the ONLY way you would keep the friendship is if you both were more than friends.

"It's not as though I don't like you, I'm just scared I might lose you as a friend."

This was your shot. After she said that you should have seized the opportunity and convinced her to take the risk. Because that's what love is. To love is to be completely open and that's a HUGE risk. Of getting hurt, of getting rejected, betrayed...etc. But that's the risk we take. Because love is worth it.

In the end man you need to cut that "good buddy like a big brother" shit out when you got feelings for a girl. Go straight for it. If you get rejected you get rejected. It's going to happen. But being that nice guy is a recipe for disaster.

I've also been told I'm probably more in love with the idea of Cayla, rather than actually really, really liking Cayla. Initial senses say no, but I'm starting to give that idea legitimate thought.

It happens when we put a person on a magical pedestal and act as if they're this perfect creature that shits rainbows. In reality they have the same fears, anxieties, flaws and hangups as the rest of us.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

If the idea of Cayla includes frequent blow-by-blow updates of what other guys she's sleeping with, I'm not so sure that's a great idea after all.

 

[Halcyon]

Single men can't be friends with single women unless they are quite unattractive. If a guy says that he is lying. One of the people wants to fuck the other.

 

[bjb]

I'm not a big believer of the friendzone in the first place, but if there is a friendzone then the OP intentionally stuck himself there while the girl happily watched.

Friendzone absolutely exists. Unfortunately, a lot of Beta Males on GAF find themselves being stuck in it for various (unnecessary) reasons and lengths of time.

Also OP, please delete her number and off your Facebook. You can't hope to move on constantly creeping her page.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Single men can't be friends with single women unless they are quite unattractive. If a guy says that he is lying. One of the people wants to fuck the other.

That's not true. I've done it often, even with unattractive girls. But single men and single women who talk about possibly dating and/or entering into a sexual relationship at some unspecified point in the future can't have a healthy friendship, or probably any real friendship at all.

edit: ... I meant "attractive girls."

 

[anotherVegan]

Just move on man.

After we end the embrace she smiles and says "I hope you know I'm so angry with you right now I want to kick you in the nuts."

She wanted to kick you in the nuts.

Kick you in the nuts.

Kick. Nuts.

Let that sink in.

 

[Pai Pai Master]

Another thing I want to address is friendzone: If I like a girl, and she says she only wants to be friends, I tend to think of that as "hey, we can still be friends, that's not so bad". This girl has been the only exception to fuck with my head this much. Every other time this has happened (which is far more than I care to admit), has had next to no problems.

This is where I think the "friendzone" is kinda bullshit. If a girl knows you want her and she doesn't want you, and she says "we can still be friends," how is that at all beneficial to you?

I get it, she could be an amazing person who makes everyone's lives better, but are you actually friends with this person, or are you settling for friendship because you can't get her to sleep with you, and just getting close to her is the next best thing?

Do you have a reason to continue having this person in your life or is the friendship established by you having unrequited feelings for her?

It's not a dickish thing to say "No, I'm looking for more than a friendship and I don't think we should keep seeing each other if we want two different things." Not every girl is that way sure, but it definitely sounds like she was deliberately putting herself in a position where she gets what she wants, and you will keep hanging on to that hope as long as every few weeks she puts her butt in your lap and talks about assholes she is casually seeing.

If there IS a friend zone it's not like the claw game where you have no control over your situation. She is opening the door to it and you are, for reasons likely having more to do with your dick than your brain, are agreeing to walk right through it.

She wasn't being your friend; she was manipulating you and your feelings to get her own satisfaction from it, and you pretty much let her do it. So you definitely did the right thing - just try to act faster next time, be honest about what you want from the relationship, and don't let a girl walk over you just because you want to sex her.

 

[Necromanti]

You evidently are unable to maintain a friendship with her without being able to let go of the feelings you had, so it is unsustainable. Everything you said or did was colored or biased in some way to indicate that. It's not healthy for either of you. Break it off, and leave it that way. You are unable to be her friend at this point in time without waiting for that one moment where she becomes available to you.

 

[Halcyon]

That's not true. I've done it often, even with unattractive girls. But single men and single women who talk about possibly dating and/or entering into a sexual relationship at some unspecified point in the future can't have a healthy friendship, or probably any real friendship at all.

For some reason this made me laugh

 

[Devolution]

Be creepy and entitled brehs, watch it blow up in your face.

 

[Kyzer]

As genuine and earnest as you've been, by the simple fact that you know she doesn't feel quite the same way and she now knows you've been on her for years, she would have to be a very very conscious person to ever even view as someone on her level. I'm sure she has feelings but you're not who she wants. Those are just my two random cents. As for everything else, you seem very in tune with yourself. Keep doing you and don't succumb to your desires, and you'll have no reason to doubt yourself. You seem like you know what you're doing.

 

[HP_Wuvcraft]

When you are friends with a girl only because you want to get in her pants, you earn your misery.

Basically, this. It's a foolish and stupid thing to do.

You never, ever end a friendship because you cannot bring yourself to control your feelings. It's the evolved form of the "I can't be friends with girls" bullshit.

I'm currently in one of the best friendships of my life with a girl that I'm head over heels with, but she has a boyfriend. It's the hardest thing in life to do, but ultimately, I'm not going to "fight for her" because I'm not the best guy for her, and she loves this other dude. But I'm not going to ruin my relationship with her just because I have the feels for her.

We meet up at a diner for brunch last Sunday. She can't stay long, but that's okay. We make small talk for half an hour, all about Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, all that fun stuff. Then she finally asks "what's on your mind?" I tell her that over the past couple of months, I've realized my feelings for her have only grown stronger. I can't keep my promise anymore that I won't wait for her, and that's not fair to her or me, so I say I need to take a hiatus of friendship to sort myself out. She looks at her food, and just says "Oh...". Responds to a few texts with the guy she's casually seeing. Asks if I'm okay with getting that off my chest, I say no, of course not. I ask her in turn what she wanted to talk to me about. She says the point is moot now, but that my gestures and things I've said were making her uncomfortable, like I was trying to force something to happen, and that she wanted me to stop. I just looked back to my own food. She then starts laughing to herself, and I ask her what's funny. She says, "Oh, it's just that we'll never be friends again. We're never going to talk or see each other again. It's happened before." I say that's not going to be the case, but she doesn't believe me. At one point I see her shake a little out of the corner of my eye; out of rage or about to cry, I have no idea. I pay the bill as we leave, saying I don't want her half of the money. She doesn't argue. We go to the subway, and as we're about to take two different directions, we stand there. I'm trying to think of something to say to end the awkward silence, but nothing comes to mind. She turns to me and says "Fuck it, come here." We have one last hug. After we end the embrace she smiles and says "I hope you know I'm so angry with you right now I want to kick you in the nuts." I give a sad smile and tell her no more so than I. We go our separate ways.

Nope. This is not what you do, sir.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

I'm not saying all of THIS applies to you, OP. But I believe this part is relevant.

 

[Mattilaus]

I have been in the same situation dude.

I was friends with a girl I had a crush on for about three years but regardless of it seeming to me like there was a chance to get together and live happily ever after, there just wasn't. I brought up multiple times how I liked her but she wanted to remain friends.....

...until she got engaged and I started dating someone else. She then tried to make a move on me. She seems like the same type of girl. The girl in my scenario just liked the idea that she had multiple options, when it seemed like she was losing those options (me) it was too late for her to keep them.

I would say it sounds like your girl is the same. She didn't necessarily want to date you, but liked the idea of keeping you around as a back up she never intended on using.

 

[Nephtis]

Friendzone absolutely exists. Unfortunately, a lot of Beta Males on GAF find themselves being stuck in it for various (unnecessary) reasons and lengths of time.

Also OP, please delete her number and off your Facebook. You can't hope to move on constantly creeping her page.

I'd say delete her from phone, but not facebook. Just don't talk to her.

If OP is serious about wanting to sort his shit out, he shouldn't burn the bridges. She was a giant tease though, and if he decides he wants to go back to her as a friend, he needs to lay some boundaries for both of their sake.

However, if after taking some time to reflect on things he doesn't feel he will get over her then by all means, burn all bridges. It will be the only option left.

 

[Zoe]

I wouldn't say this was a case of being friendzoned. She was clearly egging you on emotionally and physically--either to get you to act or as a power trip. You're better off not dealing with her.

 

[HP_Wuvcraft]

Be creepy and entitled brehs, watch it blow up in your face.

This also works.

 

[tringworldso]

She says the point is moot now, but that my gestures and things I've said were making her uncomfortable, like I was trying to force something to happen, and that she wanted me to stop. I just looked back to my own food. She then starts laughing to herself, and I ask her what's funny. She says, "Oh, it's just that we'll never be friends again. We're never going to talk or see each other again. It's happened before."

First she says that your actions are making her uncomfortable and then says you two will never be friends and at the same time as if to boast says that it's happened before. Whatever the case, cease being her friend. It's not helping either of you.

She turns to me and says "Fuck it, come here." We have one last hug. After we end the embrace she smiles and says "I hope you know I'm so angry with you right now I want to kick you in the nuts." I give a sad smile and tell her no more so than I. We go our separate ways.

Lol...okay this got to me. Most weirdest parting words ever.

he suggests I send a single text detailing that this will not be the end of our friendship. I do so, telling her that this is so that we don't have to keep revisiting this issue every damn time, so we can both get on with our lives

Did she ever reply to that text? Although it doesn't really matter now.

She hasn't deleted me off either, and I don't intend to do the same. That would only make her feel like we really weren't going to be friends again.

Don't unfriend her right now. However, unfollow her. Add her to the "hide from these users" chat list. So essentially you've unfriended her without unfriending her. This way when you actually do unfriend her after X amount of months you won't have a rubberband effect of adding her back.

In a nutshell:
She's a poor fit for you. You're a person who wears his heart on his sleeve whereas she is the complete opposite. Find out who you are before you begin your search for that special someone. Good luck man.

 

[bjb]

I'd say delete her from phone, but not facebook. Just don't talk to her.

If OP is serious about wanting to sort his shit out, he shouldn't burn the bridges. She was a giant tease though, and if he decides he wants to go back to her as a friend, he needs to lay some boundaries for both of their sake.

However, if after taking some time to reflect on things he doesn't feel he will get over her then by all means, burn all bridges. It will be the only option left.

The dude had to go to counseling after being friendzoned and you're advocating not deleting her entirely from his life...

 

[Mammoth Jones]

Find out who you are before you begin your search for that special someone.

This is really the best advice in the entire thread. All bullshit aside.

 

[Nephtis]

The dude had to go to counseling after being friendzoned and you're advocating not deleting her entirely from his life...

Wait, he did? I must've missed that part. If she's affected him that much then I take back what I said -- delete her from facebook. Then he should go make his own life, as apart from her as he can.

 

[TheSpoiler]

Damn, he almost had her at some points. That's what makes this situation a tad bit strange and humorous, no offense to you OP - I've been there.

 

[GillianSeed79]

Look, you are still young. On the one hand if you are only friends with somebody because you think there is a chance they will fall in love with you, that's not really healthy or being honest with the other person or mature tbqh. When you get older, you'll understand the importance of having friends. I'd say you could still try to be friends with her, but just be that and be happy with it if you really value her friendship.

On the other hand, if it's so painful for you to be friends then just move on. Life is way too short to hold out hope for something that probably won't happen. You seem like a good person. There are probably plenty of other women out there. Besides, it's never a good idea to put a person on a pedestal.

 

[Comfort Jones]

Damn, he almost had her at some points. That's what makes this situation a tad bit strange and humorous, no offense to you OP - I've been there.

Nah.

She just let him think he almost had her lmfao.

 

[Ghost_Protocol]

Nah.

She just let him think he almost had her lmfao.

Sitting on his lap and straddling him in bed when she knows he's in love with her was Ice cold....

 

[Comfort Jones]

Sitting on his lap and straddling him in bed when she knows he's in love with her was Ice cold....

Yeah it's what happens when you put yourself in that kind of a situation. There was no almost, just torture that got worse.

 

[Lazyslob]

I mean, you really are doing this to yourself. You should recognize the kind of person she is and that it will never work out, especially with someone who plays games like that. The best thing would to just leave her be, but somehow I doubt that. And do people really say shit like "if i wasn't with this person i'd totally be with you?" The fuck? Who says that?

 

[Brofield]

Wait, he did? I must've missed that part. If she's affected him that much then I take back what I said -- delete her from facebook. Then he should go make his own life, as apart from her as he can.

The counseling was from other things going on. While her actions haven't really helped much, why I went to counseling was completely different. I brought it up because I have been talking about it, hoping that I'm not crazy enough to think that being friendzoned by one girl has me feeling depressed, apathetic and suffering from anxiety.

Lol...okay this got to me. Most weirdest parting words ever.

You're telling me. Still not sure if it was preferable to the awkward silence as the finality of goodbye.

Did she ever reply to that text? Although it doesn't really matter now.

No, she did not respond. That honestly was another fear of mine, if she did respond.

Don't unfriend her right now. However, unfollow her. Add her to the "hide from these users" chat list. So essentially you've unfriended her without unfriending her. This way when you actually do unfriend her after X amount of months you won't have a rubberband effect of adding her back.

In a nutshell:
She's a poor fit for you. You're a person who wears his heart on his sleeve whereas she is the complete opposite. Find out who you are before you begin your search for that special someone. Good luck man.

She's been unfollowed on facebook after figuring it out how to do it, but to be honest I really haven't used fb or insta lately. Just twitter to vent on occasion.

I figure if I keep telling myself she's the worst thing for me, eventually I have to believe it. Thanks, man. Just gotta find a hobby outside of gaming.

I'm currently in one of the best friendships of my life with a girl that I'm head over heels with, but she has a boyfriend. It's the hardest thing in life to do, but ultimately, I'm not going to "fight for her" because I'm not the best guy for her, and she loves this other dude. But I'm not going to ruin my relationship with her just because I have the feels for her.

That was me after she moved in with said boyfriend in my third year of university. I honestly thought he was a really chill guy, and if she wasn't going to date me, she may as well date someone who is as laidback as me. Made me feel okay about it, in some really strange messed up way.

But honestly, even if you chose not to intervene and they break up, I want to know your story on how you get over her when you know she's single.

 

[Brinbe]

That sounds awful. Glad you finally realized things weren't right and you moved on. You'll be much better off.

 

[Count Dookkake]

Sitting on his lap and straddling him in bed when she knows he's in love with her was Ice cold....

And taking it was bitch soft.

 

[Pai Pai Master]

Sitting on his lap and straddling him in bed when she knows he's in love with her was Ice cold....

Pretty common tactic for those kinda girls who know what they're doing. They totally know how good that butt feels on that underutilized dick and its just below that point of seeming innocent enough to not be blatantly giving you blue balls. If they already have control over you it's a damn easy power trip for her.

Now, when a girl gets in your lap while you're at your computer and totally hijacks it and starts browsing porn while rubbing her butt on you, that's just pure evil. Glad I actively avoid people like that now.

 

[hwalker84]

We talked about how to date now would simply be catastrophic, and the implications of "what if" we broke up and effectively separated our friend group (because we are that closeknit; both blessing and curse).

Why would it have been catastrophic?

You did the right thing but it sounds like you kept falling for every play in the book. "It's not the right time", "What about our friends?", "If we date and it doesn't work I don't want to lose you as a friend". It's blah blah movie bullshit.

Stay FAR AWAY if she has any shred of feelings she'll come back if not deuces!!

 

[spindashing]

Trust me, the further away from her, the better you will feel. Stay away from her in social media spots, too.

You'll find a better woman.

 

[Ghost_Protocol]

And taking it was bitch soft.

He did do a lot of this to himself......but let's not pretend that we're not all guilty of letting someone we're crazy about take advantage of us in some way at some point in our lives.

Also, he's only 21. At least it happened now instead of at 30

 

[B.O.O.M]

Holy shit

Dude move away and never look back. It will be painful for a while...but it'll be fine

Honestly both of you are fault here for different reasons. But it matters not now, look out for your own well being. Don't do the 'promise i will be friends with you forever xoxo' bs...this relationship whatever nature it has taken hasn't been healthy for you one bit and there's too many good things in the world to just keep jumping back into that toxic situation.

Best of luck

edit: OH and as few mentioned above...cut her off and stay away from her not only in person but also in the social media. You're young..start fresh.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

Wow, your capacity for self-delusion is greater than mine. And that's saying something. Five years. Five years? Good God, man. I was cringing so hard reading that write-up, I destroyed my facial muscles. Plus, you come off as kinda creepy, and she comes off as kinda... not that great a person?

But five years...

Seriously? You're not exaggerating? It was actually five years?

I thought I was weird and creepy. Wow.

When you are friends with a girl only because you want to get in her pants, you earn your misery.

Count strikes again. Ice cold.

 

[Deified Data]

Did the right thing. You were keeping her around to get in her pants and she was keeping you around so she could have someone to pine after her between boyfriends. The friendship wasn't a healthy one.

 

[Count Dookkake]

He did do a lot of this to himself......but let's not pretend that we're not all guilty of letting someone we're crazy about take advantage of us in some way at some point in our lives.

Also, he's only 21. At least it happened now instead of at 30

You may speak for yourself.

 

[SuperAndroid17]

God damn dude....

Foodzoned and Friendzoned to the max. She even told you she was "afraid to lose" you.

I wish you a speed recovery man, nobody should ever go through this. I recommend talking to other girls and leave this in the past. I hope you learned your lesson.

 

[Azerare]

You're emotionally invested too deeply in her for you two to EVER have a platonic relationship. You're in the right for wanting to distance yourself as that's the only true way to move on. Though that's a concept not all people understand/agree with.

 

[Meesh]

Ho-ly at OPs longest post in GAF history.

I'll keep mine short.

As a good buddy of mine used to say, "everyone needs a good break up", or in your case a break? Nothing wrong with that, puts shit in perspective.

 

[Foxtastical]

Narcissism?

 

[bjb]

He did do a lot of this to himself......but let's not pretend that we're not all guilty of letting someone we're crazy about take advantage of us in some way at some point in our lives.

Also, he's only 21. At least it happened now instead of at 30

Uhm, no...not everyone leaves creepy notes on girls car windows either.

 

[Duane Cunningham]

Nah.

She just let him think he almost had her lmfao.

And the biggest mistake:

He made it clear to her that she ALWAYS had him. It was never even a doubt in anyone's mind.

OP you should've gone out with her friend and/or dated other girls the whole time, and not always been available. Date another girl, and one of two things happen: Cayla gets jealous and eventually you and the other girl break up anyway OR things actually work out between you and the other girl... and then, who cares what Cayla thinks.

Instead, you were always on call for her from the beginning. Who's attracted to that? Your supply was so high there was never any demand for it.

 

[Count Dookkake]

Uhm, no...not everyone leaves creepy notes on girls car windows either.

Quality callback.

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=85442972&postcount=9594

 

[dbztrk]

I've been in this situation before. If I could do it all over again differently I would. It's so not worth being all melodramatic about this shit. Chances are this person is nowhere near all this angst that you are putting yourself through.

Go out there and date. Date lots of women until you find the one that you connect with and is worth all this emotion that you are going through.

 

[Infinite]

There's no such thing as a friendzone it's either the girl likes you that way or she don't.

 

[Ghost_Protocol]

Uhm, no...not everyone leaves creepy notes on girls car windows either.

Look out, we got some internet badasses over here lol