Support NeoGAF

[Nephtis]

I don't know about the worst sex, but it did end up having a very awkward moment.

I went out with this girl, things hit it off pretty well. We go back to her place, and start watching tv while drinking. One thing lead to the next, and there I am getting a blowjob. A fantastic, possibly one of the best blowjobs I've ever had.

Right when I start having my orgasm, her dog (german shepherd) gets right on my face and starts growling. Then my eyes met the dog's. And it growled even louder. When I turned away, since it's all I could do, he stopped growling. But he was totally staring me down. And I could not do a thing about it.

The worst part is, you know, when you're having an orgasm you can't just stop it. She's kinda drunk so she doesn't realize it right away, so she keeps going at it. I had never been so conflicted before.

Right after I ask if she could put her dog away and she does. Then we go and have amazing sex. We went out for about 5 months, and that damned dog was not allowed near me when there was any kind of intimacy going on.

 

[anaslexy]

I went to a girl's apartment and things seemed promising. Then I noticed a tube of vaginal itch cream out of its box and completely lost my drive. Made a lame excuse of having a hair appointment the next day and left.

 

[burgervan]

I was seeing a girl from Japan for a little while and if you've ever seen Japanese porn, then you know the weird crying sounds they usually make. That was a HUGE turn off for me and I eventually stopped seeing her because of it.

 

[stef t97]

Then she wanted me to put it in. I had no condom and she didnt care... I couldn't make myself do it.

Puerto Rican pull out dude... Let yourself down there.

 

[HappyBivouac]

I was seeing a girl from Japan for a little while and if you've ever seen Japanese porn, then you know the weird crying sounds they usually make. That was a HUGE turn off for me and I eventually stopped seeing her because of it.

Never been with a Japanese girl but I'm pretty sure that's just acting...

 

[Moofers]

Got the worst bj ever from a drunk chick once. All teeth apparently, but she really went after it at least. Went down on her and it tasted like metal. Yup. She was really hot too, but wanted the lights off, which of course was disappointing. That's about it for me. Most of mine has always been really great.

 

[hydragonwarrior]

While the keep it part sounds really weird, I really don't get the anti-period sex thing that goes on. I guess if blood makes you squeamish, but its honestly no worse than anal in my mind, and in my experience most women are more sexually active during their periods anyway.

Who knows though you might be right with the bullet part.

The only drawback to having sex with a girl on her period is the mess - otherwise she loves it. Oh, and you can't go down on her unless you want a mouthful of blood and bacteria.

 

[Skinpop]

Never been with a Japanese girl but I'm pretty sure that's just acting...

it's not. i mean it can be, and some exaggerate it, but that's more or less how they sound.

 

[Unicorn]

Got the worst bj ever from a drunk chick once. All teeth apparently, but she really went after it at least. Went down on her and it tasted like metal. Yup. She was really hot too, but wanted the lights off, which of course was disappointing. That's about it for me. Most of mine has always been really great.

So... You went down on her while she was on her period?!

 

[Tetraeon]

 

[Oersted]

Eyes Wide Shut is overselling it.

Never been with a Japanese girl but I'm pretty sure that's just acting...

They are imititating how it tend to sound...? Like all pornactresses?

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

Got the worst bj ever from a drunk chick once. All teeth apparently, but she really went after it at least. Went down on her and it tasted like metal. Yup. She was really hot too, but wanted the lights off, which of course was disappointing. That's about it for me. Most of mine has always been really great.

Like unicorn said, metal-taste is probably from the iron. there is untold amounts of iron in menustration blood. thats why women often need iron supplements!

 

[CaptainJoel]

I had gotten serious with this chick and midway through courting her she took a bad spill at the theatre, so she ended up with some serious back pain right when she decided it was time for us to finally bang. Well, because of this she decided it was totally okay for her to make no effort whatsoever when we were doing it. Let me paint the scene: this chick hadn't bathed in 4 days because of the back pain, so she was crazy ripe and she was 367 pounds so whenever she had me undress her I was greeted by rolls on rolls on rolls that were incredibly moist with the most foul sweat I've ever had the displeasure of smelling.I had been hard before seeing her naked, but the second I see all the rolls I lose my hardon and thanks to my incredibly quick thinking I decide to just use my hand and pretend it's my dick since she can't actually see what I'm doing over her gigantic fat boobs. I kept going until about 15 minutes after she finished and then pull out my hand (I bent down and spat on her to make her think I finished). The entire time I was moaning and groaning to make her think I was enjoying it, but man, worst sex I have ever had in my entire life. Thank God I'll never see her again.

 

[Moofers]

I had gotten serious with this chick and midway through courting her she took a bad spill at the theatre, so she ended up with some serious back pain right when she decided it was time for us to finally bang. Well, because of this she decided it was totally okay for her to make no effort whatsoever when we were doing it. Let me paint the scene: this chick hadn't bathed in 4 days because of the back pain, so she was crazy ripe and she was 367 pounds so whenever she had me undress her I was greeted by rolls on rolls on rolls that were incredibly moist with the most foul sweat I've ever had the displeasure of smelling.I had been hard before seeing her naked, but the second I see all the rolls I lose my hardon and thanks to my incredibly quick thinking I decide to just use my hand and pretend it's my dick since she can't actually see what I'm doing over her gigantic fat boobs. I kept going until about 15 minutes after she finished and then pull out my hand (I bent down and spat on her to make her think I finished). The entire time I was moaning and groaning to make her think I was enjoying it, but man, worst sex I have ever had in my entire life. Thank God I'll never see her again.

Lol wtf? Can't be the real number I'm guessing.

 

[CaptainJoel]

Lol wtf? Can't be the real number I'm guessing.

Yes. It was. She was a blob. Back in the day when I had low enough self esteem to not mind stuff like that.

 

[Otakumegane]

....I'm scared of sex now. This stuff is especially chilling if you're a clean freak as I am with an exceptionally good sense of smell (compensated by the fact that I have bad hearing)

 

[Necromanti]

....I'm scared of sex now. This stuff is especially chilling if you're a clean freak as I am with an exceptionally good sense of smell (compensated by the fact that I have bad hearing)

To be fair, once you're okay with the millions of commensal bacteria living on your skin, you should be able to handle, say, the lactobacilli present in a healthy vagina. We are more bacteria cells than human cells (in terms of sheer number), after all. It's mostly when things are off when you should worry, but your keener sense of smell might actually be handy in such situations to be able to handle it preemptively.

 

[HP_Wuvcraft]

At one point while she's limply tugging at my penis, I straight up tell her, "You know, I'd love it if you'd go down on me right now."

She reacts by putting her fingers to her lips and whispering, "Shhh..."

You have me LOLing so hard right now.

This entire thread does not disappoint.

 

[Moofers]

Yes. It was. She was a blob. Back in the day when I had low enough self esteem to not mind stuff like that.

In that case the rolls, sweat, and smell should not have been a surprise. People who are that overweight really struggle with that. You had unrealistic expectations going in.

Also, that's morbidly obese unless she's 6'6 tall. I'm not buying it.

 

[megamerican]

I had gotten serious with this chick and midway through courting her she took a bad spill at the theatre, so she ended up with some serious back pain right when she decided it was time for us to finally bang. Well, because of this she decided it was totally okay for her to make no effort whatsoever when we were doing it. Let me paint the scene: this chick hadn't bathed in 4 days because of the back pain, so she was crazy ripe and she was 367 pounds so whenever she had me undress her I was greeted by rolls on rolls on rolls that were incredibly moist with the most foul sweat I've ever had the displeasure of smelling.I had been hard before seeing her naked, but the second I see all the rolls I lose my hardon and thanks to my incredibly quick thinking I decide to just use my hand and pretend it's my dick since she can't actually see what I'm doing over her gigantic fat boobs. I kept going until about 15 minutes after she finished and then pull out my hand (I bent down and spat on her to make her think I finished). The entire time I was moaning and groaning to make her think I was enjoying it, but man, worst sex I have ever had in my entire life. Thank God I'll never see her again.

Holy shit. This is some Cronenberg levels of body horror going on. Can I just ask this, it sounds like the second you saw her naked you knew it was over, so why did you go through with the charade?

 

[Meesh]

This thread may be about the worst sex ever, but it's still the best sex thread I've ever read!!! Epic nails, bails, and fails...I only wish I had a story to share but sadly my travels have nothing to compare to the likes of the proud warriors who've graciously left their mark here. Subscribing for future inspiration and amusement.

 

[thenexus6]

Holy shit. This is some Cronenberg levels of body horror going on. Can I just ask this, it sounds like the second you saw her naked you knew it was over, so why did you go through with the charade?

And now was you hard before seeing her? You must of seen her before..

 

[HappyBivouac]

it's not. i mean it can be, and some exaggerate it, but that's more or less how they sound.

You really think japanese women have this innate tendency to make submissive, painful, even "crying" sounds when having sex? Like it's genetically encoded in them?

I don't buy it. They're culturally conditioned for it. It's an act.

 

[Randam]

I had gotten serious with this chick and midway through courting her she took a bad spill at the theatre, so she ended up with some serious back pain right when she decided it was time for us to finally bang. Well, because of this she decided it was totally okay for her to make no effort whatsoever when we were doing it. Let me paint the scene: this chick hadn't bathed in 4 days because of the back pain, so she was crazy ripe and she was 367 pounds so whenever she had me undress her I was greeted by rolls on rolls on rolls that were incredibly moist with the most foul sweat I've ever had the displeasure of smelling.I had been hard before seeing her naked, but the second I see all the rolls I lose my hardon and thanks to my incredibly quick thinking I decide to just use my hand and pretend it's my dick since she can't actually see what I'm doing over her gigantic fat boobs. I kept going until about 15 minutes after she finished and then pull out my hand (I bent down and spat on her to make her think I finished). The entire time I was moaning and groaning to make her think I was enjoying it, but man, worst sex I have ever had in my entire life. Thank God I'll never see her again.

and that is where I stopped reading.

 

[burgervan]

You really think japanese women have this innate tendency to make submissive, painful, even "crying" sounds when having sex? Like it's genetically encoded in them?

I don't buy it. They're culturally conditioned for it. It's an act.

This girl wasn't the type to put on a show. I don't think she had even seen porn. She had no idea what she was doing sexually and couldn't even give a decent hand job so I'm inclined to believe the crying sounds were legit.

Either way, it's terrible and I don't know how some guys get off to it. The entire time I was wondering if this sex had somehow become rape without me realizing it.

 

[Marky Mark]

it was a summer just like this. 100 degrees during the day, 90 degrees during the night. i was in college.

1 - 2 AM: i'm back home with a girl I've known for a few weeks.. we're both nice and sauced. we finally make it up to my room and start getting to business. gratuitous kissing of the body and what not leads to sex. condom on and it's fun drunk sex! suddenly, and i kid you not, a MOTH with an 8-inch wing span flies in through my open bedroom window. judging by the way it was flying, it must have been as drunk as us. unfortunately, my fear of moths trumps any kind of common sense. I screamed like a schoolgirl and jumped off the bed. She was petrified, like a burglar had entered the room. Once she saw the moth though, she too entered Freak Mode. We are both naked and screaming like children.

The whole ordeal ended with me eventually killing the moth with a sandal + pillow + my hands. I flushed the behemoth down the toilet and that was it. We both went to sleep.

I thought I was alone. ;|

 

[gimmmick]

Hello dear Neogaf reader,

If you are just joining us... a quick recap in a gif... bon appetit...

This sums up this whole thread.

 

[Maffis]

I like how all the stories are basically the "other" one's fault and never your own. Lemme guess, everybody on Neogaf are sex gods and could never be the one that fucks up, right?

 

[sleeping_dragon]

me and my girl started watching inception and she started trying to have sex with me half way through.

i dumped her the next day because she was distracting me and i need my full attention to appreciate the ~sophistication~ of a christopher nolan film.

You only dump her? I bitch slap her if I were you. That movie needs some deep concentration.

 

[soepje]

I like how all the stories are basically the "other" one's fault and never your own. Lemme guess, everybody on Neogaf are sex gods and could never be the one that fucks up, right?

Naturally :>

Spoiler

I´m not sharing anything

 

[Sword Familiar]

it's not. i mean it can be, and some exaggerate it, but that's more or less how they sound.

This is bs. I've had several japanese girlfriends and none of them sounded like that.

 

[Lashley]

I like how all the stories are basically the "other" one's fault and never your own. Lemme guess, everybody on Neogaf are sex gods and could never be the one that fucks up, right?

Hardly the guys fault if the womens pussy stinks

 

[Patrick Bateman]

I went to a girl's apartment and things seemed promising. Then I noticed a tube of vaginal itch cream out of its box and completely lost my drive. Made a lame excuse of having a hair appointment the next day and left.

I'm dying!

Hardly the guys fault if the womens pussy stinks

Well after I'm done, they smell like burned rubber.

 

[Bleepey]

Yes. It was. She was a blob. Back in the day when I had low enough self esteem to not mind stuff like that.

Everyone's fucked a fat girl or two. But 367 lbs? Are you kidding me?

 

[CarpeDeezNutz]

If she was 367 lbs then you knew what you were getting yourself into.

 

[Skinpop]

This is bs. I've had several japanese girlfriends and none of them sounded like that.

Everyone sounds different and most girls won't exaggerate like in porn videos but it's the same type of sound.

You really think japanese women have this innate tendency to make submissive, painful, even "crying" sounds when having sex? Like it's genetically encoded in them?

I don't buy it. They're culturally conditioned for it. It's an act.

sure it's cultural but that doesn't make it an act. It's still the sound that naturally comes out of them.

 

[twilitesparklemotion]

I like how all the stories are basically the "other" one's fault and never your own. Lemme guess, everybody on Neogaf are sex gods and could never be the one that fucks up, right?

Here, you can have two stories.

I. My first one-night stand. I hadn't had sex in a while, this girl was older than me, and I was excited. I finger her a bit, eat her out a bit, and then get on top of her and come basically immediately.

Her: "I want to be on top now."
Me: "Uh....."

Then we just cuddled and talk about relationships. We're still friends.

[Some time passes. doogles becomes a NeoGAF Sex God.]

II. My most recent one-night stand. Fun fact, when a girl talks about being really awkward about sex...she's going to be really awkward about sex.

Okay, I thought of more.

III. Girlfriend whose mouth was too small for my penis. /sad self-five?

IV. Spent three weeks with the most wonderful woman in the world. I'm waiting until I get an STD test before we do anything. In the meantime, any time we try to fool around, we get interrupted.

One day, we go get tested together and decide "fuck it." As soon as I put it in, she goes "ow ow ow get it out."

We broke up that day unrelatedly. When we got back together months later, that was the first thing we took care of, but this isn't the Best Sex thread.

V. Girlfriend at a party is kind of drunk. After hitting either my face or penis with her knee, someone knocks on the door. I'm doing stuff to her, so she moans the name of the guy at the door.

V.b. Same girlfriend and I started whispering explicitly to each other when she and her sister were staying over and thought her sister was asleep. Then, when we kissed goodnight, the sister giggled. Whoops.

VI. Roommate in the dorms played League all semester and never left. This counts as bad sex, right?

 

[tkscz]

Quick note, I'm still friends with the girl I'm about to write about. She isn't normally bad at sex. She apologized for the entire thing.

We were having a get together at a friends house, there were 5 of us there and there were drinks. My friend got drunk and started rubbing on me. Normally I wouldn't care, but this was a friend's house we were at, not my place, nor her's. Plus, it's a small apartment and we were all in the same room. I ask her to stop but she says no. I move her hand but she keeps putting it back. One of my friends (female), says to man up and let her, but I still tell her to cut it out. They drink more and she gets worse from there. She starts forcibly taking off my pants, regardless of telling her to stop. I grab her hands but she still manages to get my pants off and trying to blow me at 40% mast. I asked her to stop as our friends were in the room, but she doesn't. It was a terrible sloppy blow job and I didn't like it, not to mention how uncomfortable I was. Oddly enough, the other two females there were encouraging us to go have sex, while the only other guy there was zoned out. I asked them to stop that and help me get her off, but before I knew it, I was being pulled into the bathroom. I managed to stop her here, regardless of the constant grinding, but throughout that night, she still kept trying to get my pants off.

Next morning I get a text saying "Sorry for raping you last night".

Lol wtf? Can't be the real number I'm guessing.

Everyone's fucked a fat girl or two. But 367 lbs? Are you kidding me?

440lbs and 510lbs. Girl in the above story was 360 lbs. As you can see in my avy, I'm not kidding. Nor do I have low self-esteem. Hell, the 440 is the best of them all.

 

[CarpeDeezNutz]

Quick note, I'm still friends with the girl I'm about to write about. She isn't normally bad at sex. She apologized for the entire thing.

We were having a get together at a friends house, there were 5 of us there and there were drinks. My friend got drunk and started rubbing on me. Normally I wouldn't care, but this was a friend's house we were at, not my place, nor her's. Plus, it's a small apartment and we were all in the same room. I ask her to stop but she says no. I move her hand but she keeps putting it back. One of my friends (female), says to man up and let her, but I still tell her to cut it out. They drink more and she gets worse from there. She starts forcibly taking off my pants, regardless of telling her to stop. I grab her hands but she still manages to get my pants off and trying to blow me at 40% mast. I asked her to stop as our friends were in the room, but she doesn't. It was a terrible sloppy blow job and I didn't like it, not to mention how uncomfortable I was. Oddly enough, the other two females there were encouraging us to go have sex, while the only other guy there was zoned out. I asked them to stop that and help me get her off, but before I knew it, I was being pulled into the bathroom. I managed to stop her here, regardless of the constant grinding, but throughout that night, she still kept trying to get my pants off.

Next morning I get a text saying "Sorry for raping you last night".




440lbs and 510lbs. Girl in the above story was 360 lbs. As you can see in my avy, I'm not kidding. Nor do I have low self-esteem. Hell, the 440 is the best of them all.

Big girls are your thing? How big are you if you don't mind me asking?

I can't get into big girls, tried it once but the excess flesh/fat is a turnoff for me.

Yeah that girl should have knocked it off.

 

[tkscz]

Big girls are your thing? How big are you if you don't mind me asking?

I can't get into big girls, tried it once but the excess flesh/fat is a turnoff for me.

Yeah that girl should have knocked it off.

5'6", 160lbs, Athletic build. You'd think that'd be fine for hooking up with the women I date, but I've been to a BBW party, a lot of those guys are 6' body builders, or something close to that. Never understood the "only fat men like fat women" thing.

Yeah she should've stopped, and my friends should not have been encouraging her to continue.

 

[TheExodu5]

The night I lost my virginity.

I met a girl on OKCupid and things were great. I thought it could really be something even after only a few dates. She invites me to stay at her apartment and things were going well. We decide to go to bed and she takes me upstairs by the hand and we get in bed. She turns the TV on and turns it to an epsiode of the American Office. Then she asks if I want to have sex and I'm like yeah of course I want to have sex. So it was pretty dark in the room even with the TV on but there was enough light from the TV that I could mostly see what I was doing. The sex was pretty alright. I couldn't cum after fucking her for like 20 minutes and we just decide to stop. I go to pull the condom off while it was still really dark and throw it in the trash. She freaks out and yells, "NO DON'T THROW IT AWAY WE SHOULD KEEP IT." To which I replied, "what the fuck? no that's fucking disgusting." I went into her bathroom thinking I should probably just flush it or something so she doesn't keep it. I was really weirded out so I didn't know what to do. When I turn the lights on in the bathroom I'm fucking horrified at what I see. My fingers and my whole dick area is covered in blood. She was on her period and she didn't even tell me. When I confront her about it she goes, "oh yeah I probably should have mentioned that I'm really sorry." Ended up sleeping over there after things cooled down and hung out with her for most of the next day but things were so awkward. I was planning on staying a second night but while she was in the shower I grabbed my shit and yelled an excuse for leaving and made my escape. Ended up cutting it off a few days later. I feel like I dodged one hell of a bullet.

She should have told you, but there's nothing wrong with period sex. Just take a shower afterwards.

 

[The Incredible Muffin]

This one instantly came to mind.


long time ago was at a party and brought home a one night stand. Everything went as usual untill we did el classico: Doggy style,,, I dont know what is wrong with this girl, she either realy had to take a shit, or does not know how to wipe. But as soon as we got in position the room got filled with the smell of,,, shit.


Needless to say, I was distracted and disgusted.

 

[POWERSPHERE]

The night I lost my virginity.

I met a girl on OKCupid and things were great. I thought it could really be something even after only a few dates. She invites me to stay at her apartment and things were going well. We decide to go to bed and she takes me upstairs by the hand and we get in bed. She turns the TV on and turns it to an epsiode of the American Office. Then she asks if I want to have sex and I'm like yeah of course I want to have sex. So it was pretty dark in the room even with the TV on but there was enough light from the TV that I could mostly see what I was doing. The sex was pretty alright. I couldn't cum after fucking her for like 20 minutes and we just decide to stop. I go to pull the condom off while it was still really dark and throw it in the trash. She freaks out and yells, "NO DON'T THROW IT AWAY WE SHOULD KEEP IT." To which I replied, "what the fuck? no that's fucking disgusting." I went into her bathroom thinking I should probably just flush it or something so she doesn't keep it. I was really weirded out so I didn't know what to do. When I turn the lights on in the bathroom I'm fucking horrified at what I see. My fingers and my whole dick area is covered in blood. She was on her period and she didn't even tell me. When I confront her about it she goes, "oh yeah I probably should have mentioned that I'm really sorry." Ended up sleeping over there after things cooled down and hung out with her for most of the next day but things were so awkward. I was planning on staying a second night but while she was in the shower I grabbed my shit and yelled an excuse for leaving and made my escape. Ended up cutting it off a few days later. I feel like I dodged one hell of a bullet.

cool fantasy bro.

man, so many of these stories read as bullshit Penthouse forum submissions.

 

[The Incredible Muffin]

cool fantasy bro.

man, so many of these stories read as bullshit Penthouse forum submissions.

? This seems that unrealistic to you?

Besides the girl want to keep the condom, which is a little weird,, its a fairly normal story?

 

[mooooose]

In between my last and current long-term relationships, I saw a girl briefly during the holidays. She was cute, but that was it. Had no job so I had to pay for all the meals we shared, no car so I had to cart her and her skeezy friends around, and she wasn't the brightest person. She'd respond to all my flirtations in the most literal way possible. Needless to say, it was a chore to be around her

Still, I hadn't gotten laid in three months so I was quite thirsty. The day finally arrived, and I took her back to my house on a weekday afternoon and quickly got us down to business. Nice body, a little skinnier than what I was used to, but she tasted great and was enthusiastic about my oral skills, which was great considering my ex transformed into a self-loathing prude halfway through our relationship and only allowed me lights-off missionary once a couple weeks.

I slip a condom on, which took some time to get used to given that I hadn't worn one the last six years, and I'm in. She displayed excellent power bottom skills, rode me like a champ, and here I was thinking, how could a girl so deficient everywhere in life be this good at sex? After a half hour of some pretty worthwhile fucking, I laid her back down and told her I wanted to finish. We started down the homestretch, and I heard a door open downstairs beneath us. My brother had just gotten home from school. The girl grabbed my shoulders and asked me who it was, and I told her and said it was alright; I had done this thing a lot with no one noticing, since I have a well-supported bed and stable floors.

She IMMEDIATELY clams up and says she's not comfortable continuing. I try to reason with her to continue, since at that point I could feel an orgasm on the horizon, but she was steadfast. I even asked for a blowjob to finish me off and she refused. We played NSMBW till she wanted to go home, and I was more than happy to cart her ass off one last time. Last time I heard anything from her was a couple days afterward asking me if I could take her and her ugly friend to Goodwill, to which I said I had shit to do or something to that effect.

So it wasn't the WORST sex, but the fact that she allowed my unknowing brother to cockblock me from busting a nut made me pretty grumpy.

You sound like an asshole

 

[The Incredible Muffin]

You sound like an asshole

That guy IS an asshole

 

[twilitesparklemotion]

That guy IS an asshole

Yeah, you don't "reason with" people who don't want to have sex with you.

 

[Joey Fox]

Yesterday I had sex with a mostly asexual girl after a couple months of buildup. Immediately upon penetration she gets a horrified look on her face. After a couple minutes, we had to stop as it was just too painful for her. As she had warned me, she'd bled like a virgin from the experience. Something is definitely wrong with her medically.

I'm slightly ashamed to say I was turned on by the sex that was so bad/painful for her that I asked her to finish me off.

 

[mooooose]

idk how you can complain about a girl having no job as a justification for her letting you get your nut off because she felt uncomfortable. if shes such a bag of shit, was it really necessary for you to put in effort to have sex with her? im not one to white knight but you just sound like a huge fucking asshole and it has me mad. yeah she sounds like an underachiever but i can only imagine what your relationship with her and that subsequent post says about you

 

[Yoshichan]

She used her nails. To the point where blood poured out and I had marks on my stomach and back for 3 months forward.