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The Autumn Wind
I really don't know. Maybe because I was working the area above where the blood was coming from? It's not a situation I've ever encountered otherwise.
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Worst sex you've ever had?
- Thread starter MrOogieBoogie
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Do you think you could have taken the father?
Always-honest
Banned
yeah i agree. That's horrible. How the hell did she think you wouldn't mind?
Dude you could of had her mom/her you never know. Long as dad didn't want to get involved because we all know that could be creepy! Mannnnn I wish I could help you time travel back to fix this.
Family fun time baby! As long as her Dad didn't want to get in on the mix, or watch. Fuck that noise. But mom and daughter? I am 100% down for the club man. Sorry been watching sons of anarchy again.
He just thought she was really, really wet.
Wet is wet when there's no light in the middle of the night?
Blood dries quickly. You have sex with a girl on her period and it dries even quicker due to being smeared thin by friction. After a while it becomes imperative you use lube, otherwise it is like rubbing your dick in a tight hole full of dried rubber cement.
Then you try to scrub off the flakes.
Holy shit, realest post ever.
Baron Doggystyle von Woof
Member
Whiskey dick when I have the chance to fuck a super hot girl who had previously friend zoned me. That feeling when you realize how unlikely it is to happen again
Rum -> Whiskey.
Rum never let me down.
Lots of good stories in this thread. I don't have any personal ones to share except one that happened to a longtime friend.
He was married and just had a son who was between 1-2 years old. He also had a video camera and was one of those people who constantly filmed his kid. He even filmed his kid being born at the hospital.
Anyway, he had filmed himself and his wife having sex a few times. One day his parents came over to their house and he wanted to show them something his kid was doing recently. So he plugged the camcorder into the TV, rewound the tape, and hit play. Oops, wrong tape. Yup, his parents saw one of their sex tapes.
Man, I can't imagine ever messing up like that. I would never film my wife & I since the potential for it to get into the wrong hands would be too high.
He was married and just had a son who was between 1-2 years old. He also had a video camera and was one of those people who constantly filmed his kid. He even filmed his kid being born at the hospital.
Anyway, he had filmed himself and his wife having sex a few times. One day his parents came over to their house and he wanted to show them something his kid was doing recently. So he plugged the camcorder into the TV, rewound the tape, and hit play. Oops, wrong tape. Yup, his parents saw one of their sex tapes.
Man, I can't imagine ever messing up like that. I would never film my wife & I since the potential for it to get into the wrong hands would be too high.
BFIB
Member
I'm pretty sure that if I could go back in time, I just would have had her over to my house for "movie time". Problem solved!
Omegasquash
Member
My man. Also, give vodka a shot (no pun intended).
You took the correct course of action my friend, no way that would have ended well for you.
Omegasquash
Member
Signal flares must have been lighting up the sky. Jesus.
I think two of the big myths about sex held by people who haven't had sex is:
a. Period sex is messy but wet (in reality it is uncomfortable and chunky and yes, very messy)
b. Sex in water is good (when in reality you may as well be getting a dry rub from the world champion of arm wrestling)
Truth, hard and cold.
Period sex is fine as along as there is adequate lubrication (artificial or natural).
Baron Doggystyle von Woof
Member
Agreed. Sex in shower also sucks.
Yep, like fucking a Chinese finger trap.
Omegasquash
Member
A word that makes me feel like I need to puke a little. On the water part...oh god 1000x yes. People like to dream of sex in a hottub, when in reality you should have nightmares. Same as a swimming pool. Same as the ocean, same as a pond.
First time having sex with my new girlfriend. After 10 minutes of foreplay, I slip on the condom and slide in. I give her a couple of thrusts and she starts screaming... and hitting me! I slow down and puzzled, I ask her if I'm hurting her. She looks up at me, with crazy eyes and says "DONT' STOP, IT's SO GOOD!"... I did finish what I started but it weirded me out...
We ended up having sex a few more times before breaking up and she always acted that way...
We ended up having sex a few more times before breaking up and she always acted that way...
MY ex said the worst for her was the time I got spunk in her eye at a post break-up fling. Ruined the whole thing for her, I however still had a great time, both dropping it where she normally wouldn't let me(that post breakup desperation is delicious.) and seeing her in tear-filled agony.
Count Dookkake
Member
Girl threw up while fully restrained. That was awkward.
You would think dried blood in your stubble would feel even more obvious than just blood. Period sex isn't a disaster, but I don't think i'd ever really be comfortable going down while she's menstruating.
People fart, grow up. Not a big deal unless the smell is horrid or it's a constant thing with her.
MDSLKTR
Member
Rawket Lawnchair
Member
Comedy and heroic knight movie material right here.
Omegasquash
Member
The appropriate response would have been handcuffs.
Deified Data
Banned
First time. Couldn't put on a condom without killing my boner. It was pre-lubed and generally a disgusting thing to touch. I've only ever had sex with one woman, who've I've been with for the past 6 years and who's vagina thankfully doesn't smell like a garbage disposal. Some of these stories...damn.
BFIB
Member
Buddha Beam
Banned
The girl I dated through almost all of college, I now realize, was pretty terrible at sex. I feel bad saying that, since she was an otherwise nice person and I don't really have any ill will towards her.
...but she was one of those people who got almost no pleasure from sex at all. Even with a variety toys and stuff. It was basically just her laying there while I did my business.
It wasn't until I'd dated a few women who actually enjoyed sex that I realized how good it could be.
...Apparently I have been trying to compensate for those lost years by getting into dirty stuff like swinging and 3somes and such. haha.
...but she was one of those people who got almost no pleasure from sex at all. Even with a variety toys and stuff. It was basically just her laying there while I did my business.
It wasn't until I'd dated a few women who actually enjoyed sex that I realized how good it could be.
...Apparently I have been trying to compensate for those lost years by getting into dirty stuff like swinging and 3somes and such. haha.
Dr_Boris_Goltz
Banned
The worst sex I had consisted of the first few times I actually had sex.
Didn't realize how badly Prozac destroyed the way my penis works. I would lose erections, and I could not for the life of me orgasm.
I'm on Cialis now, and I'm not embarrassed by that at all. My penis works on binary code.
Sex is so god damn incredible now.
Didn't realize how badly Prozac destroyed the way my penis works. I would lose erections, and I could not for the life of me orgasm.
I'm on Cialis now, and I'm not embarrassed by that at all. My penis works on binary code.
Sex is so god damn incredible now.
Deified Data
Banned
Wonder how many of you guys were also your ladies' worst sexual experience.
Buddha Beam
Banned
How exactly does Cialis work, anyways? Does it just make it so you don't lose your erection? Or is it more like, "I just think it and I'm hard!"? I know what viagra does, but Cialis has always been kind of like... unclear in their marketing.
Dr_Boris_Goltz
Banned
Basically if you have the drive it works. Your penis is either on or off; and it's only when you want it to be. It turns you into a robot, in other words.
Viagra is more for people who don't have the drive originally.
Link
The Autumn Wind
Count Dookkake
Member
Always do the check.
-Get handsy down there.
-Bring hand back up.
-Kiss her with your hand holding the back of her head.
-Discretely sniff.
-Judge.
Tried to have sex on a giant, puffy leather couch on a hot summer day. It was our first time together, so I was already a bit sweaty and anxious and she was sinking into this couch. I couldn't move around nor move her around very good and we were just STICKING to this fucking couch getting sweatier and sweatier. I don't know why I didn't just go to the floor, but I became obsessed with having sex right there.
Needless to say, after about 5 minutes of flailing around and being wildly uncomfortable we threw in the towel. It was cool, we ended up still having a 7 month relationship after that.
Needless to say, after about 5 minutes of flailing around and being wildly uncomfortable we threw in the towel. It was cool, we ended up still having a 7 month relationship after that.
Baron Doggystyle von Woof
Member
My method! I always wonder if girls know what I'm doing.
Buddha Beam
Banned
Ahh, interesting. thanks. One more thing I've always wondered though, so I hope you don't mind my asking... does it make you diamond cutting rock hard the entire time, or does it kind of bounce between that and just, like, regular old hard?
BFIB
Member
Fixed.
Wonderful thread! I didn't realize so many gaffers had had sex. So much sex that even the opportunity for bad sex can be had. I'm pretty impressed.
The story I'm about to tell you would be considered an opportunity for great sex by some, but not I.
I met her through a free online dating site called Spark. She was well spoken, aggressive, and challenged my innate shyness. So after a few days talking online and then over the phone, we decided to meet at a cocktail lounge downtown.
I'd seen her picture online, and she looked attractive enough - long dark curly hair, thin, nice smile, but in person she was dazzling... and had all the social graces of a Jersey trucker, which made sense, her being from Jersey and all.
She was rude, obnoxious, and flicked her cigarette butts everywhere. Eventually the conversation got around to what we did in real life. That's when she told me that she was a Wiccan high priestess. I felt myself sinking into an unassailable darkness and clung desperately to the hope that we might have sex.
So, after a few drinks we went back to her place, and quickly proceeded to the frisky phase. She was thin as a rail, and had what I would describe as the best looking fake breasts I had ever seen. The other side of that unpolished coin was the stark absence of any sort of discernible ass. More barren of hill than the great salt flats, a waste of nothingness. This was disappointing in the extreme.
In the bedroom her affections were appreciably experienced with no hesitation. My cock did soar til my eyes watered for need of release. Then, she did something terrible. She wanted to fuck to Poison ballads. MFW
Whatever, let's get this over with, let's fuck to Poison ballads. I try so very hard GAF, I do. But the combination of horrible music, her personality and no assnesss makes my manhood seek shelter inside my abdomin. Exasperated, she jams a buttplug into the hole she shits from, because as I mentioned there is no ass. She tells me I can fuck her in the ass, like that was some sort of privilege she reserved for special people. This had the opposite effect, and now I was completely uninterested. I apologized, took my leave and never spoke to the Wiccan high priestess again.
Not bad for the worst sex I've ever had, I guess.
tldr; Wiccan High Priestess with no ass wants to fuck to Poison ballads.
The story I'm about to tell you would be considered an opportunity for great sex by some, but not I.
I met her through a free online dating site called Spark. She was well spoken, aggressive, and challenged my innate shyness. So after a few days talking online and then over the phone, we decided to meet at a cocktail lounge downtown.
I'd seen her picture online, and she looked attractive enough - long dark curly hair, thin, nice smile, but in person she was dazzling... and had all the social graces of a Jersey trucker, which made sense, her being from Jersey and all.
She was rude, obnoxious, and flicked her cigarette butts everywhere. Eventually the conversation got around to what we did in real life. That's when she told me that she was a Wiccan high priestess. I felt myself sinking into an unassailable darkness and clung desperately to the hope that we might have sex.
So, after a few drinks we went back to her place, and quickly proceeded to the frisky phase. She was thin as a rail, and had what I would describe as the best looking fake breasts I had ever seen. The other side of that unpolished coin was the stark absence of any sort of discernible ass. More barren of hill than the great salt flats, a waste of nothingness. This was disappointing in the extreme.
In the bedroom her affections were appreciably experienced with no hesitation. My cock did soar til my eyes watered for need of release. Then, she did something terrible. She wanted to fuck to Poison ballads. MFW
Whatever, let's get this over with, let's fuck to Poison ballads. I try so very hard GAF, I do. But the combination of horrible music, her personality and no assnesss makes my manhood seek shelter inside my abdomin. Exasperated, she jams a buttplug into the hole she shits from, because as I mentioned there is no ass. She tells me I can fuck her in the ass, like that was some sort of privilege she reserved for special people. This had the opposite effect, and now I was completely uninterested. I apologized, took my leave and never spoke to the Wiccan high priestess again.
Not bad for the worst sex I've ever had, I guess.
tldr; Wiccan High Priestess with no ass wants to fuck to Poison ballads.
4$ Vic.
For me, it was just terrible head. She went down on me for like 45 minutes, nothing. She just wasn't very good at it, which is endearing in it's own right.
You know, on that note, it's funny. I listen to podcasts like the Comedy Button or Rebel FM where they often talk about their sex lives, and when I hear about someone's wife or girlfriend going down on them for 25 minutes, It blows my mind (hurhur). Yes it feels good, but man, to sustain a gradually increasing sensation of physical climax over the course of 25 minutes...makes me wonder what that's like.
Of course, I'm the kind of guy who thinks the lady should arrive 3 or 4 times before the man, so maybe I'm just a hardworkin' fool.
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