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[stn]

I don't know where you're from but video games and cartoons will put off anyone around here.

It's the best someone like me could hope for and I was glad to have it. It was really nice actually having someone to talk to and share with. I don't think you guys really understand what isolation is like. I've actually been really tempted these last few weeks to text said girl again in the hopes that she'd talk to me some more. I haven't, simply because I know what the answer will be.

First off, you need adult hobbies. Being a gamer is nice but you can't define yourself based on games and cartoons. Society expects you to "grow up" at some point. I've taken up tons of things I didn't have a natural interest in in order to boost my social presence and awareness. These things include: drinking wine, caring about classical music more than I want to, being more politically in-tune, and having an interest in pretty much anything people around me are doing. All the people in my life that I want to appeal to do not give a shit about video games. I've learned to adapt. You must as well. Do you know what this also does for me? Lets me talk about anything when it comes to a date.

As to the other part of your post...stop. Lots of us have been in isolation at some point or another. Its no reason to shit on yourself and allow someone to take advantage of you. Your mindset is your problem. I hope you realize that you're making yourself go in a circle.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

First off, you need adult hobbies. Being a gamer is nice but you can't define yourself based on games and cartoons. Society expects you to "grow up" at some point. I've taken up tons of things I didn't have a natural interest in in order to boost my social presence and awareness. These things include: drinking wine, caring about classical music more than I want to, being more politically in-tune, and having an interest in pretty much anything people around me are doing. All the people in my life that I want to appeal to do not give a shit about video games. I've learned to adapt. You must as well. Do you know what this also does for me? Lets me talk about anything when it comes to a date.

As to the other part of your post...stop. Lots of us have been in isolation at some point or another. Its no reason to shit on yourself and allow someone to take advantage of you. Your mindset is your problem. I hope you realize that you're making yourself go in a circle.

Stn, it's a fruitless fight. These are things echoed for at least a year now and he does nothing to change. You don't even need to change hobbies, you just need diversity. If you only ever talk about one thing then it becomes a drag for anyone. I love hockey, but if that's all I talk about then people get frustrated, this is no different. I love video games and cartoons and I've never had a problem. They're willing to play with me at times or watch cartoons with me, it's when you force stuff or so one dimensional that you do nothing but come home and play video games every night until you fall asleep that problems arise.

 

[Vermillion]

First off, you need adult hobbies. Being a gamer is nice but you can't define yourself based on games and cartoons. Society expects you to "grow up" at some point. I've taken up tons of things I didn't have a natural interest in in order to boost my social presence and awareness. These things include: drinking wine, caring about classical music more than I want to, being more politically in-tune, and having an interest in pretty much anything people around me are doing. All the people in my life that I want to appeal to do not give a shit about video games. I've learned to adapt. You must as well. Do you know what this also does for me? Lets me talk about anything when it comes to a date.

As to the other part of your post...stop. Lots of us have been in isolation at some point or another. Its no reason to shit on yourself and allow someone to take advantage of you. Your mindset is your problem. I hope you realize that you're making yourself go in a circle.

Nah. I know dudes with anime ringtones and posters that have girlfriends. Even if those girlfriends don't care about the stuff themselves. It's not necessarily about changing your hobbies.

Frankly, I find that belief to exacerbate the divide between traditionally nerdy spaces and women.

 

[NeOak]

League of Legends man.

Shit is mainstream.

 

[stn]

Its not about changing hobbies. Its about expanding hobbies.

 

[FaintColt388301]

Nah. I know dudes with anime ringtones and posters that have girlfriends. Even if those girlfriends don't care about the stuff themselves. It's not necessarily about changing your hobbies.

Frankly, I find that belief to exacerbate the divide between traditionally nerdy spaces and women.

Yup, I play games when I get home till I fall asleep all the time and I have a lady who thinks very fondly of me. She'll knows it's what I like to do and she's starting to play with me now too. We had a blast playing Towerfall Acension this past weekend.

But yeah, you gotta have more substance than just that unless you can find the needle in the haystack that is obsessed with the same thing you are. Otherwise you have to be able to talk about other things, listen and learn about things you aren't in to, and be willing to broaden your horizons. Especially when you are meeting somebody new. You have to be appealing.

 

[Kieli]

Its not about changing hobbies. Its about expanding hobbies.

I think this is the better way of putting it. There's nothing wrong with liking animation or video games.

 

[stn]

Of course. It would be quite hypocritical of me to criticize the gaming hobby when I'm a gamer myself, my posting on GAF alone is proof of that. My point is that even though I'm a gamer, I allow myself to absorb other interests--even those I may not be into--for the sake of fitting in and expanding my horizons. Many people in my circle don't game. Many of the women I've interacted with in the past don't game. Hell, I'm pretty sure the average person that doesn't game probably thinks its a childish hobby and/or waste of time.

Fitting in and responding to social demands is a part of life. You have to be stylish when you don't want to be, you have to attend parties when you might want to stay home, you have to drink to fit in with your work colleagues, and sometimes you even have to dumb yourself down deliberately.

Well, you don't have to do some of these things. But I've found that they're necessary when you want to pursue something specific.

 

[Femto.]

An update regarding my situation.

Just when I figured that I should move on, she texts me late last night.

She texted me asking about a professor I've had before that she is currently taking, not sure if that was why she really wanted to text me, but there you have it.The texting stopped at some point, it was late so I assume she fell asleep.

Alright, what now? The silence is broken, I'm not looking to make another bad move.

 

[Wolf Akela]

If you're seriously considering changing what you like, what you do and who you are just to please someone else, you're looking at the wrong person imho. Gaming is a completely normal hobby that not everyone likes.

I know a dude who is buff as hell, is absolutely nuts with Pokemon and has a girlfriend with the same interests (working out/Pokemon).

You do have to make adjustments, like better personality, better clothes, interests of different varieties... but whatever the outcome, you end up as a better person. Change isn't always an improvement.

 

[Buckethead]

It depends on what you like, what you want to focus your time on, and who you want to attract. If you're looking for a certain type of woman, she will have benefits and drawbacks. I think it comes down to what you're looking for in a relationship. If you just want a ONS/FWB thing then you don't need soul-melding intimacy or all of the personality checkboxes hit.

If you're looking for a longterm relationship, getting the right catch will take time and patience.

All this being said I'm not taken by the "adult interests" argument. Follow your bliss, do your thing, and go after what you want. If a woman is so turned off by a core piece of who you are, it's not a good match. You'll naturally have to take some hits but that's the opportunity cost of our attention and affection.

 

[Iph]

If you're seriously considering changing what you like, what you do and who you are just to please someone else, you're looking at the wrong person imho. Gaming is a completely normal hobby that not everyone likes.

I know a dude who is buff as hell, is absolutely nuts with Pokemon and has a girlfriend with the same interests (working out/Pokemon).

You do have to make adjustments, like better personality, better clothes, interests of different varieties... but whatever the outcome, you end up as a better person. Change isn't always an improvement.

Changing for someone else isn't good. Changing because you want to for yourself is good and tends to be an improvement/growth.

 

[stn]

Alright, what now? The silence is broken, I'm not looking to make another bad move.

The advice hasn't changed, dude.

----------------
On a general note before I resume another long day of work, I want to clear up some misconceptions that I think some people may have regarding what I said.

I'm not encouraging anyone to fake who they are for the sake of a guy or girl. What I am saying is that it is good to pursue diverse interests AND to get out of your comfort zone. Also, as much as you want to believe in some idealized version of the world, people expect things from you. That's really just how it is.

If all I knew was gaming then I wouldn't be surprised if a girl didn't want to continue talking to me. Its not the gaming that would be off-putting to her, more the fact that I'd have no other interests. Everyone wants someone well-rounded. And let's be frank: gaming is an anti-social hobby most of the time. It involves you not going out, which is the most important thing in meeting new people (please don't tell me having a LAN party with gaming friends is some kind of super-social event. I've been to a million, its not).

Lastly, on the point of just "being you" and not changing. I firmly believe that "being you" is not always correct. It happens to be the way that makes you most content, not the way that is most suited towards a healthy life. Some guy might want to play games 24/7 in his basement, that doesn't mean its right. He will miss out on tons of experiences and will become socially awkward.

What I was telling grap3man earlier is that he should pursue other things besides video games and cartoons in order to enrich his life. I don't know what his other interests are but he seems to be extremely focused on gaming. The problem with gaming is that it does not offer a high pressure social environment in which you can get comfortable and learn how to interact with people.

As an example, say your hobby was salsa dancing instead of gaming. After taking salsa classes for 10 years and dancing with various women there, what do you think a person might be like? Comfortable around women, for one. Skilled in something that impresses people. Unique, because not many men salsa. This gives you all kinds of skills that are transferable in the real world AND dating world. Gaming does not. Its a great hobby but it does not teach you anything valuable. I've been gaming at least 15 years and I don't think I've learned anything useful from it. At the end of the day, every Friday night I spent gaming was time I could have been out.

Any questions, please ask. I'd really like to avoid creating misunderstandings based on what I'm saying.

 

[Horseticuffs]

Hey guys. I'm having a real problem with insecurity the past few days and I'm not entirely certain why. I'm concerned I'm subconsciously trying to self sabotage things between Blue Hair and I.

Things are going really well. We're taking like 4 days off together starting Thursday night. We're taking my kids to an art festival on Saturday. We still text off and on all day and talk on the phone about two or three hours at night. We had crazy morning sex just Monday morning.


All that said, why does my mind keep telling me that she is distancing herself? I keep telling myself that the random kissy emoticons are coming less frequently. That I'm seeing an increase in single-word responses. I don't know if it's legitimate or my subconscious mind working against me.

With that in mind I've not let on at all of my concerns. I'm not sure I can trust my instincts. I think I'm trying to fuck things up for some reason. I'm not sure why I would because things are objectively great. She treats me well. She desires me and I desire her. This is the best relationship I've ever had. I really care about her, and that could well become more than "caring" before too long.



Why am I trying to fuck things up?

 

[Femto.]

The advice hasn't changed, dude.

So regardless, you still believe that I should move on?

Unless you're referring to something else.

 

[turtle553]

Hey guys. I'm having a real problem with insecurity the past few days and I'm not entirely certain why. I'm concerned I'm subconsciously trying to self sabotage things between Blue Hair and I.

Things are going really well. We're taking like 4 days off together starting Thursday night. We're taking my kids to an art festival on Saturday. We still text off and on all day and talk on the phone about two or three hours at night. We had crazy morning sex just Monday morning.


All that said, why does my mind keep telling me that she is distancing herself? I keep telling myself that the random kissy emoticons are coming less frequently. That I'm seeing an increase in single-word responses. I don't know if it's legitimate or my subconscious mind working against me.

With that in mind I've not let on at all of my concerns. I'm not sure I can trust my instincts. I think I'm trying to fuck things up for some reason. I'm not sure why I would because things are objectively great. She treats me well. She desires me and I desire her. This is the best relationship I've ever had. I really care about her, and that could well become more than "caring" before too long.



Why am I trying to fuck things up?

She may not be distancing herself, but it could be a sign that the initial honeymoon phase is coming to an end as you progress into something that is actually sustainable long-term. This isn't a bad thing, it's just what happens.

I can't even imagine talking to someone on the phone for hours every night. Just sounds exhausting to me.

 

[Valus]

Hey guys. I'm having a real problem with insecurity the past few days and I'm not entirely certain why. I'm concerned I'm subconsciously trying to self sabotage things between Blue Hair and I.

Things are going really well. We're taking like 4 days off together starting Thursday night. We're taking my kids to an art festival on Saturday. We still text off and on all day and talk on the phone about two or three hours at night. We had crazy morning sex just Monday morning.


All that said, why does my mind keep telling me that she is distancing herself? I keep telling myself that the random kissy emoticons are coming less frequently. That I'm seeing an increase in single-word responses. I don't know if it's legitimate or my subconscious mind working against me.

With that in mind I've not let on at all of my concerns. I'm not sure I can trust my instincts. I think I'm trying to fuck things up for some reason. I'm not sure why I would because things are objectively great. She treats me well. She desires me and I desire her. This is the best relationship I've ever had. I really care about her, and that could well become more than "caring" before too long.



Why am I trying to fuck things up?

Understand that relationships shift and change. No relationship forever remains in the honeymoon phase. Having her send less emoticons and not have as lengthy replies does not necessarily signify that she is losing interest. It could just be that she is becoming more comfortable with you and feels that perhaps she does not need to give you as much validation as she did before as she has reached a stride in your relationship.

Take a look at your own responses to her. Are they all the same as they were since day one? Perhaps you too are guilty of the same thing, and again, it's not necessarily a bad thing. Do your best to cast off those negative thoughts. It will do nothing but hurt your relationship, as you seem to be aware of. Should things actually be going south, you will know in due time. For now, I would not invest any thoughts or feelings into it.

 

[infinitys_7th]

Now you're just trying to sugarcoat things. You know exactly what you're trying to do by "getting it off your chest." You're willing to potentially ruin a relationship, that's the problem here. As I said before, have some integrity.

This is more of a question of tact based off that situation, but suppose that you developed a friendship with, and interest, in the girl well before learning about her having a boyfriend (up to the point of almost asking her out). And it all starts feeling awkward afterwards, especially because you heavily suspect she knows you are interested in her.

You have no intention of "getting it off your chest" at this point (out of respect for her relationship and because you like her as a friend). However, you still want to get to know her better if only for a better friendship (she and you get along well, share common interests, and talk with each other daily). But the interest just sort of haunts the back of the mind. . .

What is the general consensus on this situation?

 

[marzipan]

I'm 28 and single and have been in numerous horrific less than 18 month relationships with some pretty terrible people. I've been told that I am "objectively hot" and people tell me I'm "incredibly beautiful" so I don't think I look like an ogre. I met someone I thought was the most amazing person in the world, and we sent a week and a half together. He lives across the country and we don't talk anymore because he wasn't over his last girlfriend, whom he dated for many years. He said he never found closure. I will probably never see or speak to him ever again. I refuse to date online because there are some real creepers out there. If I'm still single at 35, I plan to have in vitro children with random sperm. I don't know that being in bad relationships or not being able to find someone has as much to do with insecurity. I'm not insecure about much, it's just difficult to meet and connect with people and a lot of people are taken. I have now turned to video games and forums to combat my solitude. Oh, and cats.

 

[Dippindork]

I'm 28 and single and have been in numerous horrific less than 18 month relationships with some pretty terrible people. I've been told that I am "objectively hot" and people tell me I'm "incredibly beautiful" so I don't think I look like an ogre. I met someone I thought was the most amazing person in the world, and we sent a week and a half together. He lives across the country and we don't talk anymore because he wasn't over his last girlfriend, whom he dated for many years. He said he never found closure. I will probably never see or speak to him ever again. I refuse to date online because there are some real creepers out there. If I'm still single at 35, I plan to have in vitro children with random sperm. I don't know that being in bad relationships or not being able to find someone has as much to do with insecurity. I'm not insecure about much, it's just difficult to meet and connect with people and a lot of people are taken. I have now turned to video games and forums to combat my solitude. Oh, and cats.

you and i are a lot alike. i think i've grown a little too comfortable being single. i don't even try anymore :|

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

So regardless, you still believe that I should move on?

Unless you're referring to something else.

What exactly has changed? She messaged you because she wanted something from you.

 

[Do Better]

I'm 28 and single and have been in numerous horrific less than 18 month relationships with some pretty terrible people. I've been told that I am "objectively hot" and people tell me I'm "incredibly beautiful" so I don't think I look like an ogre. I met someone I thought was the most amazing person in the world, and we sent a week and a half together. He lives across the country and we don't talk anymore because he wasn't over his last girlfriend, whom he dated for many years. He said he never found closure. I will probably never see or speak to him ever again. I refuse to date online because there are some real creepers out there. If I'm still single at 35, I plan to have in vitro children with random sperm. I don't know that being in bad relationships or not being able to find someone has as much to do with insecurity. I'm not insecure about much, it's just difficult to meet and connect with people and a lot of people are taken. I have now turned to video games and forums to combat my solitude. Oh, and cats.

You aren't going to meet many higher quality potential dates if all you plan on doing is staying at home with your games and cats, especially if you are averse to online dating.

 

[stn]

So regardless, you still believe that I should move on?

Unless you're referring to something else.

Yes, you should move on. Unless you absolutely don't mind just having her as a friend. But keep in mind that she knows you like her and may unconsciously exploit that in the future. For example: talking to you about other guys she's interested in. Would you be able to handle that with a smile on your face? Ask yourself that.

 

[Valus]

This is more of a question of tact based off that situation, but suppose that you developed a friendship with, and interest, in the girl well before learning about her having a boyfriend (up to the point of almost asking her out). And it all starts feeling awkward afterwards, especially because you heavily suspect she knows you are interested in her.

You have no intention of "getting it off your chest" at this point (out of respect for her relationship and because you like her as a friend). However, you still want to get to know her better if only for a better friendship (she and you get along well, share common interests, and talk with each other daily). But the interest just sort of haunts the back of the mind. . .

What is the general consensus on this situation?

I get what you're saying, and that's tough. You develop feelings for someone without realizing they aren't available and now you're stuck with them and are unsure of what to do with them.

1) If the taken party is aware of the feelings their friend is developing, I believe they have a duty to cut the stem before it blossoms to save any hurt their friend may suffer.

2) As for what to do with these feelings...they should be gotten rid of. If you truely desire their friendship then you would do what it takes to make it a real one. Most single guys in my experience are only friends with a woman because they are attracted to them. They also trick themselves into thinking they are just being friends but in reality are acting like vultures, waiting for their chance. So again, ideally the party should be mature enough to move on as friends.

 

[NeOak]

I'm 28 and single and have been in numerous horrific less than 18 month relationships with some pretty terrible people. I've been told that I am "objectively hot" and people tell me I'm "incredibly beautiful" so I don't think I look like an ogre. I met someone I thought was the most amazing person in the world, and we sent a week and a half together. He lives across the country and we don't talk anymore because he wasn't over his last girlfriend, whom he dated for many years. He said he never found closure. I will probably never see or speak to him ever again. I refuse to date online because there are some real creepers out there. If I'm still single at 35, I plan to have in vitro children with random sperm. I don't know that being in bad relationships or not being able to find someone has as much to do with insecurity. I'm not insecure about much, it's just difficult to meet and connect with people and a lot of people are taken. I have now turned to video games and forums to combat my solitude. Oh, and cats.

I can relate. I'm trying to focus on re-starting my professional life first, and dating unfortunately would be a bit of a hassle at the moment. I've stopped chasing girls for a while to focus on me first.

As for games, feel free to PM any of us here if you want a co-op partner.

 

[Go_Ly_Dow]

messed up how i went about a girl i liked and now its simply fizzled out

24 forever single and its the 3rd good shot i've had in the last 3 years where i've put myself out there, got to a good place and then failed at the last hurdle

it's left me incredibly sad tonight and feel down

 

[Femto.]

What exactly has changed? She messaged you because she wanted something from you.

My issue was the silence, she broke it with a mundane reason, asking if I had a hard time in a professor's class like she is currently experiencing due to an exam she took earlier this week. I could be delusional, but I somewhat see it as an excuse to get back in touch with me. Why would you bother to text someone a month later after they confesses their feelings to you, you didn't feel mutual about it, and you cut off contact immediately afterwards? It's not like what she had sought from me last night was anything dire, my input would practically mean nothing in the matter. It's school, the outcome is an individual responsibility anyway.

If I was on the other end I, I'd leave it alone.

Yes, you should move on. Unless you absolutely don't mind just having her as a friend. But keep in mind that she knows you like her and may unconsciously exploit that in the future. For example: talking to you about other guys she's interested in. Would you be able to handle that with a smile on your face? Ask yourself that.

I've been in that situation before, and it sucked. But it still turned out in my favor in the end. I can't say the result will be the same here, but it wouldn't be first time I've tackled something like this.

Like I said above, if I was her, why bother if all she wants from me is friendship? Yes, it is fair for her to want that, but why pursue it when you know the other party's real intentions? We have kept in touch since high school, but there was never intimacy(friendship or romantic), our communication was always fluff. Until we started talking more at the beginning of the semester. I should have been an easy let go if I didn't mean much to her.

Excuse me if I sound arrogant, but I'm persistent when it comes to girls I want. Especially when they have a good head on their shoulders. I was actually going to let go but she just pops back up with an out of a blue question for class? She's not bad at school, she shouldn't need help from me. Which is why I'm lingering on thought if that was an excuse or not to contact me.

 

[stn]

Like I said above, if I was her, why bother if all she wants from me is friendship? Yes, it is fair for her to want that, but why pursue it when you know the other party's real intentions? We have kept in touch since high school, but there was never intimacy(friendship or romantic), our communication was always fluff. Until we started talking more at the beginning of the semester. I should have been an easy let go if I didn't mean much to her.

Excuse me if I sound arrogant, but I'm persistent when it comes to girls I want. Especially when they have a good head on their shoulders. I was actually going to let go but she just pops back up with an out of a blue question for class? She's not bad at school, she shouldn't need help from me. Which is why I'm lingering on thought if that was an excuse or not to contact me.

Why would she bother? Maybe she felt guilty being the one to stop communicating after rejecting you? Maybe she got used to you since you've known her since high school? Maybe she's bored? Also be aware that there are some manipulative girls that might enjoy the attention of knowing you like them. She may subconsciously want to be around you because of that. Lots of people like attention and don't care if they have to use people for it. This applies to both genders.

Here's the important part of this all, however. It is fruitless to analyze the "why?" behind actions. You should always look at the outcome of everything and place yourself in either the "she likes me" category or the "she doesn't like me" category. The outcome here is that she rejected you. Why? Who cares. All that matters is she did. Why did she contact you now? Who cares. All that matters is she rejected you previously.

As to your last part. Its good to be persistent, that doesn't sound arrogant at all. But its also good to be conscious of what's going on while being persistent. There's no point in being persistent when you're getting obvious "not interested" signals. Why hit the gas if there's no green light? Was it an excuse to contact you? Of course. Why? Who gives a fuck.

 

[beat]

You aren't going to meet many higher quality potential dates if all you plan on doing is staying at home with your games and cats, especially if you are averse to online dating.

Yeah, 100% this. How many people do you meet offline? Probably very few if you're like most of us with a stable job situation and a small fixed set of friends you know already. And how many online? Probably not a lot more, esp if your online time is gaming. And I don't know for sure, but I kinda doubt that online-not-online-dating guys are much less creepy on average than guys you'd meet from online dating.

(also, marzipan, how did you meet the terrible people you had horrific short relationships with? ... maybe look for new people in different places than where you got those ones.)

 

[Femto.]

Why would she bother? Maybe she felt guilty being the one to stop communicating after rejecting you? Maybe she got used to you since you've known her since high school? Maybe she's bored? Also be aware that there are some manipulative girls that might enjoy the attention of knowing you like them. She may subconsciously want to be around you because of that. Lots of people like attention and don't care if they have to use people for it. This applies to both genders.

Here's the important part of this all, however. It is fruitless to analyze the "why?" behind actions. You should always look at the outcome of everything and place yourself in either the "she likes me" category or the "she doesn't like me" category. The outcome here is that she rejected you. Why? Who cares. All that matters is she did. Why did she contact you now? Who cares. All that matters is she rejected you previously.

As to your last part. Its good to be persistent, that doesn't sound arrogant at all. But its also good to be conscious of what's going on while being persistent. There's no point in being persistent when you're getting obvious "not interested" signals. Why hit the gas if there's no green light? Was it an excuse to contact you? Of course. Why? Who gives a fuck.

"Maybe she got used to you since you've known her since high school? " I want to address this, yes we had contact post HS, prior to this fall it was meaningless chatter and it was never consistent. The time frame between communication was always large, 6+ months at times. Any relationship (even friends) shouldn't be that chopped up.

As for the bolded, I'm heavily aware of that and have dealt with this too. If it comes to light that this is her true intention, I won't hesitate to drop her. Like I said, I'm done with that crap.

You have a fair point with the rationale you set forth regarding with trying to understand the reasoning behind her actions. However, as you said, the past is irrelevant. Yes, it is fact that she rejected me. It doesn't phase me though because for whatever reason, she contacted me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to be saying that even though she did contact me, who cares why she did, I should still move on. She obviously showed no interest in me, hence the silence.

But is it fair to assume that still? It's been a month, she obviously thought of me to even need to initiate contact, otherwise I still wouldn't be posting in this thread. Now this is where my persistence is starting to kick in. I want to get a grip on what's going on so I can decide whether I can drop this or see if anything has changed. I don't like being someone's puppet.

 

[waypoetic]

Follow his example then, learn from him. And every encounter really.

Also remember it's a numbers game and there's millions of women. There's easily a bunch looking for a guy just like you - and me while we're at it, we just gotta find them.

Something that stuck working in sales was when someone pointed out baseball players get paid a lot of money to just hit the ball 30% of the time.

Thing is man, that, i'm an introverted dude and i'm not into grabbing a girl from the bar and going home with her to do whatever. I'd be totally cool if me and some other friend met some girls at the bar and we all started talking. Maybe we'd exchange numbers, maybe we'd meet again at that same bar the next weekend and maybe; me and that girl i got that serious connection with would fly solo next time and grab a coffee.

My friend on the other hand... He wants someone he can go home with and "what happens after that, i dunno, but i'm game".

But back to me: i don't know what to talk about. Sure, i should probably ask my friend what his "openers" are, but even with that i'm too chicken to actually go talk to someone. I'm not atrocious to look at, but, i'm not in the "what's hot/trending" section right now, if you know what i mean...

 

[Horseticuffs]

She may not be distancing herself, but it could be a sign that the initial honeymoon phase is coming to an end as you progress into something that is actually sustainable long-term. This isn't a bad thing, it's just what happens.

I can't even imagine talking to someone on the phone for hours every night. Just sounds exhausting to me.

Understand that relationships shift and change. No relationship forever remains in the honeymoon phase. Having her send less emoticons and not have as lengthy replies does not necessarily signify that she is losing interest. It could just be that she is becoming more comfortable with you and feels that perhaps she does not need to give you as much validation as she did before as she has reached a stride in your relationship.

Take a look at your own responses to her. Are they all the same as they were since day one? Perhaps you too are guilty of the same thing, and again, it's not necessarily a bad thing. Do your best to cast off those negative thoughts. It will do nothing but hurt your relationship, as you seem to be aware of. Should things actually be going south, you will know in due time. For now, I would not invest any thoughts or feelings into it.

I sincerely hope you two are right. She's a real peach, and I'd love for us to stay together. I guess all the crazy women from my past have left some emotional scarring. I don't want to fuck up something great with my demons.

Even if that is the case, though, it's kind of sad that such a sweet and heartwarming time in a relationship can only be temporary. Yeah, I know it's all a biochemical stew kicking shit into overdrive and that there's no way those heady days can ever last. It's just sort of sad that they can't. I guess hopefully, as you say, it will lead to a more dependable and sustainable form of relationship.

I hope so, as that is the best-case scenario. Still seems sort of bittersweet to me, though.

I must be on constant guard against my insecurities.

 

[stn]

1. You have a fair point with the rationale you set forth regarding with trying to understand the reasoning behind her actions. However, as you said, the past is irrelevant. Yes, it is fact that she rejected me. It doesn't phase me though because for whatever reason, she contacted me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to be saying that even though she did contact me, who cares why she did, I should still move on. She obviously showed no interest in me, hence the silence.

2. But is it fair to assume that still? It's been a month, she obviously thought of me to even need to initiate contact, otherwise I still wouldn't be posting in this thread. Now this is where my persistence is starting to kick in. I want to get a grip on what's going on so I can decide whether I can drop this or see if anything has changed. I don't like being someone's puppet.

I numbered your parts so I could split them up easier. So...

1. Yes, exactly. You should move on and meet other girls immediately. You can hang out with this girl if you want to keep her as a friend, but DO NOT allow her to interfere with any chances you might have of meeting someone else. The worst part about keeping someone around is that people tend to keep a faint hope there might still be a chance. Then they ignore other real opportunities because of it. If you absolutely know that she won't affect you in this way, continue to talk to her. This is something you need to ask yourself. But yes, move on right now.

2. Yes, its fair to assume that still. Has she asked you out? All I see is her attempting to return your relationship to status quo, which was basically just a regular friendship without romance and sex involved.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

"Maybe she got used to you since you've known her since high school? " I want to address this, yes we had contact post HS, prior to this fall it was meaningless chatter and it was never consistent. The time frame between communication was always large, 6+ months at times. Any relationship (even friends) shouldn't be that chopped up.

As for the bolded, I'm heavily aware of that and have dealt with this too. If it comes to light that this is her true intention, I won't hesitate to drop her. Like I said, I'm done with that crap.

You have a fair point with the rationale you set forth regarding with trying to understand the reasoning behind her actions. However, as you said, the past is irrelevant. Yes, it is fact that she rejected me. It doesn't phase me though because for whatever reason, she contacted me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to be saying that even though she did contact me, who cares why she did, I should still move on. She obviously showed no interest in me, hence the silence.

But is it fair to assume that still? It's been a month, she obviously thought of me to even need to initiate contact, otherwise I still wouldn't be posting in this thread. Now this is where my persistence is starting to kick in. I want to get a grip on what's going on so I can decide whether I can drop this or see if anything has changed. I don't like being someone's puppet.

Dude, none of the shit you said matters at all. Do you not realize the mental gymnastics you are performing? If she wanted you so bad then why did she ignore you for a whole month? I've never had women who were interested in me ignore me for long periods of time.

It also doesn't mean she some manipulative bitch either. You know what's most probable? She's known you for a while so he she rejected you, gave you time to get over it and wants to go back to the normal friendship you had before. It's also clear as day that you're not capable of doing that so the only thing to do is to distanc yourself and end it until you are 110% over her.

Again, what changed now that she contacted you over some stupid question? Absolutely nothing.

 

[Femto.]

Yes, its fair to assume that still. Has she asked you out? All I see is her attempting to return your relationship to status quo, which was basically just a regular friendship without romance and sex involved.

You know what's most probable? She's known you for a while so he she rejected you, gave you time to get over it and wants to go back to the normal friendship you had before.

That's what I was looking for, I needed affirmation so I wouldn't fool myself into believing anything else. With that said, this isn't new to me. I'm not putting myself in this position again. Not worth it, at least from my end.

 

[Kung Fu Jedi]

I don't post much in here these days, but still check in from time to time to see how things are going. Wanted to break the silence to weigh in on a few things.

In regards to the discussion earlier about expanding interests, not playing video games, etc. I think it isn't about what your interests are per se. I agree with those that have said you shouldn't change your interests, or who you are, just to get a significant other. That isn't being true to yourself. But, one thing that you do have to learn as part of socialization, is how to read your audience. You can love video games, or what ever other topic, but if your audience isn't into it, they are going to be turned off. On the other hand, if they are that interest, it is a great stepping stone. The key is to be able to understand what people are interested in, and being able to converse on topics that fit with who you are talking to. Don't hide your interests, but don't drone on about them to someone who doesn't share that interest either. In my case, I happen to have a number of interest that are passions of mine (mountaineering, travel, exploration, and yes video games), but I realize that most people don't care about those topics. But, I'm able to talk about what's happening in current events, sports, movies, pop culture, and a number of other topics, so it keeps the conversation flowing. Look for the common ground, be diverse, and open, while still talking about your own interests, as long as you know when to not cross the line.

@Horsticuffs: You say you don't want to screw this up with your girl, so then DON'T SCREW IT UP. You're on the path to doing just that if you over analyze this stuff, and start looking for problems. You also say that it is sad that the honeymoon period has to end, but why does it have to? Sure, things change as you get more comfortable with one another, but that doesn't mean it has to go away completely. Up your game. Make sure you're still treating her the way you use to as well. Go the extra mile to keep things as romantic as possible. My fiancé and I are still in our honeymoon phase more than a year after we started dating, and 8 months of living together. We go out of our way to stay close, say we love each other, do special things together, and communicate throughout the day. Those things can keep you connected. That said, I think everything is probably fine, and you're just reading too much into this.

 

[Horseticuffs]

@Horsticuffs: You say you don't want to screw this up with your girl, so then DON'T SCREW IT UP. You're on the path to doing just that if you over analyze this stuff, and start looking for problems. You also say that it is sad that the honeymoon period has to end, but why does it have to? Sure, things change as you get more comfortable with one another, but that doesn't mean it has to go away completely. Up your game. Make sure you're still treating her the way you use to as well. Go the extra mile to keep things as romantic as possible. My fiancé and I are still in our honeymoon phase more than a year after we started dating, and 8 months of living together. We go out of our way to stay close, say we love each other, do special things together, and communicate throughout the day. Those things can keep you connected. That said, I think everything is probably fine, and you're just reading too much into this.

Thanks. I was talking about it with my brother last night while playing Diablo 3 and his advice was exactly this.

I know I have a propensity to over-analyze things and so I'm just going to relax and let things take care of themselves as much as possible. I can't ruin this with stupid shit.

It pays to know your own flaws, so hopefully you can fight back when they rear their ugly head.

 

[Pat]

Thanks. I was talking about it with my brother last night while playing Diablo 3 and his advice was exactly this.

I know I have a propensity to over-analyze things and so I'm just going to relax and let things take care of themselves as much as possible. I can't ruin this with stupid shit.

It pays to know your own flaws, so hopefully you can fight back when they rear their ugly head.

I clearly remember that you acted the same way with other girls before you met Blue Hair. You haven't changed at all, emotionally.

Keep it cool, everything is fine. Stop over-analyzing it. But really do because it might cost you this girl too. You forget to feel love because you're busy watching it.

 

[Iph]

I can relate. I'm trying to focus on re-starting my professional life first, and dating unfortunately would be a bit of a hassle at the moment. I've stopped chasing girls for a while to focus on me first.

As for games, feel free to PM any of us here if you want a co-op partner.

I'm in the same boat as you, NeOak. Career and self-focused before dating! I'm up for some gaming too!

 

[Horseticuffs]

I clearly remember that you acted the same way with other girls before you met Blue Hair. You haven't changed at all, emotionally.

Keep it cool, everything is fine. Stop over-analyzing it. But really do because it might cost you this girl too. You forget to feel love because you're busy watching it.

This is all very true. I need to graduate from just knowing my weakness to mastering it.

Thanks for the wisdom, GAF.

 

[zeemumu]

I recreated my tinder account a few weeks ago. I browse through it casually but i don't put too much faith in it. Any ground rules that i should be aware of.

 

[Granadier]

I recreated my tinder account a few weeks ago. I browse through it casually but i don't put too much faith in it. Any ground rules that i should be aware of.

Swipe right for everything.

Spoiler

kidding

 

[hipgnosis]

I recreated my tinder account a few weeks ago. I browse through it casually but i don't put too much faith in it. Any ground rules that i should be aware of.

Ask the girls number as soon as possible, the quicker you get them out of Tinder for conversations the better. Also arrange dates as soon as possible if the conversation flows well.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

So what does it mean when a girl tells you you're always chill? I'm assuming this is a good thing?

 

[zeemumu]

So what does it mean when a girl tells you you're always chill? I'm assuming this is a good thing?

I think it would depend on the context, but in a default setting, yeah that's probably a good thing.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

I think it would depend on the context, but in a default setting, yeah that's probably a good thing.

Dunno, she's just told me that I've been really chill lately.

 

[BakedYams]

After going through an emotional roller coaster a couple of years ago with an ex, I think I'm finally ready to try dating again. Only issue is, I graduated from college already and don't have any means to naturally come in contact with women (like work, classes, etc.) so I could approach them. Obviously I see strangers all the time but I'm too averse to it. There is is cute chick at the gym I go to and I've been meaning to strike up a conversation with but since I've been out of it for so long, I just feel awkward trying to put up a persona and ooze confidence without really wanting to, I just wanna have a normal conversation. However, I'm weird, like really weird. The type of jokes I make are situational and they can be funny, but conversation wise, I just don't know how to do it. Here's what I was going to say, and it honestly sounds like a horrible comedy movie:

She was cleaning a few of the equipments laid out and she (by the way kinda looks like Katy Perry, real talk) was cleaning something I was about to use. She told me to wait a second and I said alright, this was the opportunity to naturally talk to her since words started coming out of our mouths. Next thing you know the first thing I remember I used to do was compliment people and make a slight joke about requiring there services and that I pay handsomely. It ran like this in my head, "Hey, your pretty good at cleaning, mind coming over my place and clean it up for me?" Then I just wanted to smack myself in the face for even thinking up something like that, I just stayed shut and didn't want to look like an misogynistic idiot. I'm certainly not a misogynist but I can be an idiot an times. The whole reason I'm interested in her is cause obviously she's cute and we've shared a gesture and eye contact every now and then, maybe I'm just gassing myself up but I need something to hold onto!

Only strong quality I know I have is that I'm a really good listener. I'm a funny guy but I don't know how to get that edge, be a charmer, or make a conversation awkward... Any help?

 

[IblisGinjo]

After going through an emotional roller coaster a couple of years ago with an ex, I think I'm finally ready to try dating again. Only issue is, I graduated from college already and don't have any means to naturally come in contact with women (like work, classes, etc.) so I could approach them. Obviously I see strangers all the time but I'm too averse to it. There is is cute chick at the gym I go to and I've been meaning to strike up a conversation with but since I've been out of it for so long, I just feel awkward trying to put up a persona and ooze confidence without really wanting to, I just wanna have a normal conversation. However, I'm weird, like really weird. The type of jokes I make are situational and they can be funny, but conversation wise, I just don't know how to do it. Here's what I was going to say, and it honestly sounds like a horrible comedy movie:

She was cleaning a few of the equipments laid out and she (by the way kinda looks like Katy Perry, real talk) was cleaning something I was about to use. She told me to wait a second and I said alright, this was the opportunity to naturally talk to her since words started coming out of our mouths. Next thing you know the first thing I remember I used to do was compliment people and make a slight joke about requiring there services and that I pay handsomely. It ran like this in my head, "Hey, your pretty good at cleaning, mind coming over my place and clean it up for me?" Then I just wanted to smack myself in the face for even thinking up something like that, I just stayed shut and didn't want to look like an misogynistic idiot. I'm certainly not a misogynist but I can be an idiot an times. The whole reason I'm interested in her is cause obviously she's cute and we've shared a gesture and eye contact every now and then, maybe I'm just gassing myself up but I need something to hold onto!

Only strong quality I know I have is that I'm a really good listener. I'm a funny guy but I don't know how to get that edge, be a charmer, or make a conversation awkward... Any help?

How about, "Hey it's really cool that you take the time to clean the equipment, most people don't." Then maybe asking when did she start going here and telling her the reason why you started to workout or that you've always worked out, etc. Sense the vibe then end with "Well, I'll talk to you later." If she does talk to you again great. If she doesn't, oh well. Just have a regular conversation and don't expect anything from it. Don't force funny just let that happen too.

 

[Kopite]

This might help anyone who's met someone who seems really into them that night but then don't seem interested afterwards.

Let me ask again: Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you?

Want to date that woman you met last weekend but she keeps ignoring your texts and calls? Not sure what to say or do, especially since she seemed so happy to go out with you when you initially met her? Well, my friend, this is obviously not a “Fuck Yes.” Therefore, it is a “No.” Delete her number and move on.

http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

 

[BakedYams]

How about, "Hey it's really cool that you take the time to clean the equipment, most people don't." Then maybe asking when did she start going here and telling her the reason why you started to workout or that you've always worked out, etc. Sense the vibe then end with "Well, I'll talk to you later." If she does talk to you again great. If she doesn't, oh well. Just have a regular conversation and don't expect anything from it. Don't force funny just let that happen too.

This is great, thanks! I'll keep the bold especially in mind.